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You can't just say the word "sex" anymore. You can't just talk about sex. Because it means so many different things to
so many different people, it's like when you say the word "salad". There's tuna salad and fruit salad and Cobb salad, and
they're all salads but they're all so totally different from each other that you would never look at them all together and
guess that they're all the same thing.
A long time ago folks didn't talk about sex so much, and so when you said the word "sex" everyone was kind of on the
same page. Sex was a man and a woman, of a certain age and in a certain position, doing a certain thing. There wasn't any
mystery or confusion about it.
But at the same time, it was kind of taboo. I mean, you just didn't talk about it, and you had to wait for it, til all
the lights were out and the kids were asleep. It was a secret. The most totally totally awesomest secret in the whole universe.
Kids had to wait til puberty to figure it out, and adults kept it quiet. But at least everyone knew what it was.
Now, things are totally different. Everyone talks about sex all the time, we teach kids all about it starting at like
Kindergarten, and everybody has their own ideas about how to do it and where and with whom and in what position. It's gotten
so totally commonplace that you would think folks would stop caring about it altogether. Kind of like, if you had all the
chocolate you could ever want and you saw it all the time, and folks went around talking about it everywhere you went and
people gave it away on street corners, you wouldn't really want chocolate so much anymore.
But no.
In some ways, sex is a lot like chocolate, or any food, really. But not in this way. Because if you had all the food
you could eat you wouldn't really want it most the time. But if you had all the sex you could ever want, it seems like, you
just want it more and more and more. And not only that, but you just get bored of the same old, man-and-woman, married in
a missionary position sex. Like a chocolate sundae, you would want to put whipped cream on it or something.
Which brings me to my first topic.
Fornication
Sexual intercourse between partners who are not married to each other
Well just for the sake of reference, let's take a very traditional model here and say that sex is
- A man and a woman,
- Married to each other,
- Missionary position,
- Never ever talking about it outside their own bedroom,
And let's say that this is like the very plain, basic picture of what sex is. It's a new car with none of the options,
it's the default setting.
And let's just say that, if this was all the sex that you ever had in your whole life, it would be ok, but at some point
along the way you would get bored with something. At some point you would want to add a little variety. And if you look at
that list, probably the easiest thing to change would be the marriage thing.
Getting married is a pain in the ass. You have to find someone who wants to marry you and then you have to get to know
them, you have to plan a wedding and then actually go through with it. And along the way you have to not kill each other,
or yourself. And then you have to live together and stay married and raise kids and make decisions and go to work every day
and, again, not kill yourself or your spouse.
This takes years, and most folks aren't willing to wait that long. Especially since actually having sex doesn't take
nearly that long. It doesn't take a whole lot of planning (though it does take some, say, a trip to the drugstore on the other
side of town where no one knows you). And, remember, most importantly, you're going to want to have sex. A million
times more than you're going to want to get married. It's not like a trip to the dentist; it's more like a trip to Disney
Land (without all the waiting in line, hopefully).
So a lot of people don't wait, even though traditionally you are supposed to, as a matter of simple morality. And let
me just say, as for my own personal belief, that many people have this picture in their heads that morality is like, say,
you set a kid down in front of a banana split and then tell him he can't eat it. It's just cruel and arbitrary and stupid.
But I disagree: I think it's more like setting a kid down in front of a cup of hot chocolate and telling him to wait til it
cools off. It's good and you'll like it, but you just have to wait til the right time, or you'll burn your tongue and may
not taste anything again for a long time.
So that's what fornication is, and even though lots and lots of people do it, no one calls it that anymore. People "live
together" or they're "sexually active". No one says they're fornicating. School clinics don't run tests on high school kids
and then say "So, are you fornicating?" (at least they don't in public schools). Folks don't go to their pastors for marriage
counseling and get asked "So, did ya'll fonicate before you were married?"
And for most folks it's not a question of right or wrong; they just honestly don't think they can wait, and don't see
any need to. Or they think they'll turn blue, or parts of them will start falling off if they wait that long. For all I know,
that may actually be true.
(Note: The author of this site is not a doctor, and not qualified to offer medical opinions.
If parts of you are falling off and/or turning blue, please, consult your physician)
Adultery
Voluntary sexual intercourse between a married person and a partner
other than the lawful spouse
At first glance, adultery might seem very similar to fornication. In fact, it might not even seem as bad as fornication,
because in the case of adultery, at least one of the people having sex is married. Just not to the other person.
And while some people might think it's ok to sleep together before they get married, hardly anyone seems to think it's
ok to sleep with someone who's married to someone else. In fact, when people get involved in extra-marital affairs, they always go to great lengths to justify themselves and tell you why it's not wrong. And, personally, I think the
fact that someone feels the need to tell me why something isn't wrong is a pretty good indicator that they already
know that it is. Or at least they know that everyone else thinks that is, which in this case is probably true. That it is,
I mean.
There are a million reasons why someone would choose to do this, but mostly I think because it's exciting. It's something
you're not supposed to do, and I think there's a little bit of punk rocker in all of us. You know, the punk-ass kid in leather
who sees a sign to keep off the grass and just has to jump the fence out of spite.
Pornography
Sexually explicit pictures, writing, or other material whose primary
purpose is to cause sexual arousal
If sex is like food, and in some ways it is, then pornography is like going to McDonald's.
- It's cheap
- It's easily available wherever you go
- It ruins your appetite for things that are better, and better for you,
- It's much better when you think about it beforehand than it ever is while you're consuming it, and
- There are toys that sometimes come with it
Now I know that lots of folks look at porn, and lots of guys will tell you that it's natural and everyone does it
and it's no big deal. And guys will like show you something and go "Now, you can't tell me that you're not turned on by that!"
And even though I don't judge people for doing whatever they want, I will say that for me, personally, just because something
is natural and everyone does it and it turns me on, still doesn't make it good. I mean, I just can't get past the fact that
whole industry is built on these young, young girls who are alcoholics and drug addicts and most of them were abused and abandoned,
and I just think every time I see one of them, you know, that's someone's daughter, or sister, or friend, just someone loves
her and hates what she's doing.
Is that corny? Does it make me a wussy? I don't know. But it's true.
Fetishes
Things, such as material objects or a nonsexual body parts,
that arouse sexual desire and may become necessary for gratification
To me, I think, this is the ultimate example of what I was talking about before. Fetishes are for people who have just
had too much sex and are completely bored with every kind that there is, so they just have to make up stuff to turn them on.
It's like a rich kid who gets bored with his toys. Or a guy who has all the chocolate sundaes he could ever want and so he
has to start thinking of other things to do with them besides eating them.
Like, some people like feet, which I totally don't get. What's attractive about feet? Where does that come from? Is there
no single other body part that gets them excited? I mean, I can think of three off the top of my head (four, depending on
how you count). And seriously, I even like a pretty face, but feet? That's just too weird.
Some people like to play dress up. Like, they wouldn't be excited anymore having sex with their spouse, but they would
if they were getting examined by a nurse or had an overdue book at the library.
And some people even like pain, which is so totally the opposite of everything that I like and want for myself. To me,
it would be like if someone liked to eat rocks. Or sat up at night worrying that they had too much money.
Every time I talk to someone who has a fetish, or hear someone talking about their own fetish, they always always always
say the same exact thing: "You'd be surprised how many oher people are into it." There is a guy on the radio show
that I listen to in the morning who calls up and tells them that he dresses as an adult baby, and it always seems to come
down to him telling the radio guys how common it is. I guess it makes them feel better, that if someone else is into it then
it must not be so retarded and gross. But every time I hear someone make that argument, "You'd be surprised how many oher
people are into it," I always think, I'm even surprised that there's one person who is into it.
Prostitution
Offering sexual intercourse for pay
A long long time ago, when the only kind of sex anyone had was just the plain old vanilla version and folks were starting
to get bored by it, I'm thinking that at some point there was a woman who realized that all men wanted to do it all the time,
and that they'd probably even pay money for it, even though at the time money was probably just twigs and shiny rocks. Not
long after that, I'm guessing, some jerk started thinking that, if he could get five or six poor women to do what he told
them, then he could be the one to make a lot of twigs and shiny rocks.
I guess if I am logical and look at this in a certain objective light, I can see the attraction of this. Guys like sex,
and they hate having to play games and get all attached and give so much of themselves just to have it. And there are lots
of women who just like, or have a desperate need for, money, and they probably figure that they're going to have to wind up
giving the guy what he wants at some point anyway. And all of that may sound cynical and unfair, but it's also true.
The problem, as I see it, is that sex just becomes a business transaction. It becomes all about what I want and what's
convenient for me. And in the end, I may just get the sex that I want, but I will have become the kind of guy who just has
sex and walks away and doesn't care at all about what I did or who I did it with. It affects me, and the kind of person I
am. I think I would wind up losing more than I gain, and I just don't think it's worth it.
Conclusion
This all may seem really negative, as it seems like all I talked about here were things I don't like and why I don't
like them, which may lead some of you to conclude that I don't like sex. Believe me, nothing could be further from the truth.
And so, for anyone who is wondering, let me just state without question that I think sex is the most awesomest thing
in the entire universe. I just want it to be right, and with the right person in the right way.
(From The Mailbag March 18, 2006)
You write about all this sex stuff
like you are Mr perfect and have never done anything wrong and you act like sex is dirty and filthy. I think sex is the best
thing ever was and God gave it to us so why shouldn’t we have some fun huh. Plus when you write about fetushes I bet
you have a few of your own!!!!
- Josh
Thank you for your email, Josh. I'm sorry that you were offended by
my page about sex, but, well, really I'm not sorry at all and I think you're a douche bag.
Dude, I just
wrote about what sex is, and what I personally think about it. If this makes you feel that I'm judging you, then I suggest
some therapy because those are your issues.
Like that
time you caught your mom and dad in the hot tub. You know you did.
As for my
own fetishes, two things:
-
It's called spell check, dude. Look into it. And
-
I don't know that I personally have any tendency that might technically
be classified as a fetish, like my cheerleader fixation. Except maybe my cheerleader fixation. And I've kind of always wanted
to do it with a Klingon chick. I know they're not real. Shut up.
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