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I don't know why it is that a woman can be so totally into you one day and then completely freeze you out the next. Literally,
I mean, it happens that way. I guess thing could be going on that I don't know about that could turn someone around like that,
things that have nothing to do with me: It could be that the only women I meet are insane, bitter divorced harpies who have
so many issues left over from their abusive marriages that they can barely function, who don't know what they want and even
when they think they do, it doesn't matter because the very next day they will have completely changed their minds. But whatever
the reason, it happens. And it happens all the time.
In some ways I think I was better off before I kind of put myself out there, before I started listening to my oh-so-happily
married friends who told me it was time I started dating again....because at least then, I could live happily with the illusion
that it would be easy for a divorced, 40-year-old, overweight single dad to get out there and find a suitable mate. As opposed
to now, having faced rejection and disappointment and seen how bleak and desperate it really is.
And maybe, having faced a long, drawn-out divorce and custody battle, having lawyers and psychologists and counselors
crawl up my ass with microscopes, and then waiting four years to have 35-year-old waitresses and insane high school drop-outs
tell me that there's just no chemistry between us...having faced all that, maybe it's blind optimism, or naivete, maybe it's
insanity or plain stupidity, to say that I still believe in love, that it can still work. I don't believe it's all moonlight
and romance; I mean, I know it's hard work and sacrifice, it means giving and compromise, sometimes it means trying less to
find the person who's right for you than being the person who's right for someone else. It's a lot of work and
it totally sucks and there are times when it mystifys me that anyone makes it work, or that anyone even wants it for themselves.
What a downer.
A Ray of Hope
There was a time when I would have internalized all this, and thought that maybe I was doing something wrong to make
all these women ignore and reject me, and maybe tried to do things differently to attract more women. Or maybe blamed them,
and just concluded that all women are crazy and shallow and don't know what they want, and become one of those bitter misogynists
who hangs out at Hooters and talks about all the women he's been with. But when you're used to getting attention and encouragement
and being with someone, and then all of a sudden it stops, and she starts telling you she's "busy" or keeps talking about
some fireman she just met and how confused she is, well, it might sting. For about three seconds. Because, if you're smart,
you begin to realize how impossible it would have been to build a life with a person whose attention span is that stunted,
how impossible it would have been to keep her happy, and how the best description you ever had for the relationship was "better
than nothing". Because that's not even true and I know, having had Nothing as well as having had bad, dysfunctional self-destructive
co-dependent relationships with bitter, emasculating shrews who don't give a damn about anyone but themselves, that Nothing
is way, way better every time.
So I'm not bitter. I'm not even angry. And I don't blame myself or think that there's something wrong with me. And I
don't hate women or think that thry're all bitches for not instantly recognizing what an awesome guy I am (even though one
would think they would occassionally). I think it's just hard to meet people and it's hard to make things work and whatever.
It's just the way it is.
I do think this internet dating thing is a complete and total rip-off though, for a variety of reasons, but mostly it's
my own fault for forgetting even for a second that the only people I would ever meet online are people who need to find dates
online. People, admittedly, like myself. And I don't need that whole set of arguments bouncing back and forth in my head.
I signed up for six months but here it is after two months and the thing has completely stopped sending me any matches at
all. For the last three weeks all it says is "Our system can't find any suitable matches for you at this time," and I just
have to say that, if there is no one within a 300 mile radius from the ages of 25 to 45 who a nationally-known internet dating
site finds compatible with me, then either I'm a total doofus loser or the thing is a rip-off. I choose to believe it's a
rip-off.
My friend Tara asked me if the experience helped me at all. I told her, yes, it helped me to completely give up all hope
of ever finding anyone.
I guess I've just decided that my life is not too bad right now. And like the original Buddha, I've decided to resolve
the entire moral dillemma by just saying "Screw it, whatever."
(From The Mailbag, December 4, 2006)
Happy to notice you wrote something new, although you and I have talked all about this total post so I really can't
say anything more besides, once again repeating myself and saying you don't really know if you'll be alone the rest of your
life or not and I know right now you're saying to yourself, "Whatever, it doesn't matter," when obviously it actually does
matter.
I can't really disagree with you about anything in this, since it's all about what you're feeling and I can't really
disagree or argue about you meeting "insane, bitter divorced harpies who have so many issues left over from their abusive
marriages that they can barely function, who don't know what they want and even when they think they do, it doesn't matter
because the very next day they will have completely changed their minds. But whatever the reason, it happens."
Although I did find it interesting that you posted a picture of Lisa. Despite you not being able to find
anyone that you'd consider marrying or who would give you a chance to actually propose to, at least you have women like Lisa
who are willing to dole out their pictures for you to enjoy.
Beth
Well, it's true that I don't know I'll be alone for the rest of my life, but technically I don't know
that I won't be alive for the rest of the day, or that I won't be killed by terrorists. And the point is not that I believe
I'll die alone, in the gutter, 30 pounds overweight and buried in a pauper's grave....I'm just done worrying about it.
And for the record, I don't think that all women are insane, bitter divorced harpies, or even that all women online are. With
the exception of My Really Horrible Date, even all the women I've met online have been really sweet and I've liked them all, though I wonder if they would
say the same for me. Unless they are truly all insane, bitter divorced harpies.
And, yeah, getting pictures from really awesome women would be really encouraging if more of them (unlike Lisa)
were older than 16.
I'm not sure what else to say about it. All I'm doing is not makjing any special effort to meet someone. I'm
not not making any effort not to not meet someone. Or whatever.
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