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There's an old adage that says "Write what you know". Or anyway I don't know how old it really is, but it's what John
Boy used to say on The Waltons. And he seemed to know what he was talking about, being a writer himself, though it's not like
I look to him as a role model or anything. I suppose it makes a certain amount of sense, and it's much easier than having
to just make stuff up all the time. On the other hand, if everyone just wrote about crap they already knew, there would be
no fiction at all. Certainly there would be no Star Trek or superheroes.
When I'm trying to think of crap to write about, sometimes it comes back to me, "write what you know," which is sometimes
difficult, because there's a whole lot of stuff that I don't know anything about, though that's never seemed to stop me from
forming (and expressing, in detail) opinions about them.
There are things that I don't know anything about that it really seems I should know. I had a therapist who once asked
me to talk about what it means to be a man, or how I personally defined myself as a man, and I told her that I think the things
that make me a good man are, simply, the same things that make me a good person. What I mean is, I don't think there are any
virtues that are exclusively masculine, and I don't think men have to be in charge of everything. I don't think men have to
all be financial wizards and mechanics and generals and pro wrestlers, or that being any of those things make you a better
man. I used to think like that, and I think I tried really hard to act like I knew about all the stuff that I thought
I was supposed to know about, but I wound up just looking stupid.
I don't know why, but it took me a long time to realize that there were things I just didn't know anything
about, or had no talent for, wasn't good at or interested in, or basically just thought were stupid. And here are just a few
of them:
Finances
I don't know anything about high finance or investments or portfolios. At times when I am most honest with myself, I
would have to admit that I don't even know what these words mean. I was at a social gathering of some sort (I don't remember
details because, naturally, it was several years ago and, naturally, I was drunk) and all these guys were standing around
talking about investments and portfolios and I, feeling left out, interjected, "Now, when you guys talk about your portfolios,
are you refering to actual briefcases that you carry around?"
I know a lot about philosophy and religion, I'm a really good cook and I'm good with kids, but I don't know anything
about money, how to make a lot of it, or what to do with it when you get it. When people ask me for money and I have it, I
usually give it to them, even if I don't know them well enough to believe that they really need it for what they say. I don't
know how wise that is, as far as personal finances go, because whores and homeless junkies usually don't offer a big return
on your investment. I don't think. But whatever.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not an idiot. I keep all my bills paid, food on the table, all that crap. I have excellent credit
and not a lot of debt. But I'm never going to be rich. I don't even think I would like being rich. I mean, of course, it would
be awesome to live in a treehouse with a satellite dish and a helicopter landing pad, and take vacations in my gigantic submarine,
but that's not what I mean.
I guess I would just worry that if I had a lot of money, it would just make me want to have more money, and make me want
to hang on that much more tightly to what I had, and when you can have anything, I think, then you start to want everything.
You never hear about someone winning the lottery and then giving it all away, although I'm sure it happens. It's much
more interesting to hear about an unemployed auto-worker who bought a castle in Narnia and hired his ex-supervisor to spit-shine
his Rolls Royce made of gold.
I've given it a lot of thought and I think if I ever win the lottery, I'll give most of it away. It's not that I don't
want to have stuff and be important; it's just that I don't want the stuff that I have to be the thing that makes me important.
So everyone reading this, you should probably start kissing my ass now, before I win the lottery and then you'll have
to stand in line with all the other poor people.
| This is Green Lantern Being Important |
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Superman is important, because he can fly and bullets bounce off him. Green Lantern is important, because he watches
over this entire sector of the galaxy. But Superman is just the way he is, just because. Green Lantern needs the ring. People
who have lots of money, whatever they choose to do with it and however they let it affect them, are like Green Lantern. They're
important because of something they have, not for who they choose to be.
I'm pretty happy with my life like it is, and the things that I lack aren't things I could buy with money anyway.
Sports
I don't know anything about sports other than just what I can observe by watching it for three seconds at a time on TV,
like what shape a football is, or that hockey is played on the ice, or that no matter how they present it, soccer will always
be slightly gay.
I don't know about innings or outs or downs, I don't know what the infield fly rule is, I don't know the difference between
punting and kicking off, and I only ever watch the Super Bowl for the commercials. I thought it was kind of cool when the
Braves went to the World Series in '91, but other than that I don't think I've ever had any emotions about a sporting event.
And I don't understand people who do.
Jerry Seinfeld said that when you root for a team, you're really rooting for their clothes. You can love specific players
as long as they're playing for you, but if they ever get traded then you hate them.
There's some truth to that, but I think that when you root for a certain team, what you're really doing is rooting for
the owners and the managers. They're the ones who put the teams together and spend the money to make it all happen, and they're
the ones who get rich when the teams win. And it's ironic that most of the working class regular joes who watch sports and
root for the teams, hate the owners and managers.
I guess when it's all said and done, if I ever liked a team and that team was successful, how does it change anything?
How is the world or my life any different if my team wins or loses? How does a team from my home town make any kind of statement
about me personally, when all the players are free agents who come from all over the country anyway?
I just don't get it. And don't care.
Home Improvement
I don't know how to build things, or fix things, or make things. I can't build a house or repair a car. I can't even
paint things.
There was a time in my life when I thought that I should know about this stuff at least. I probably thought that guys
were just supposed to know about it even if they couldn't actually take a car apart and put it back together again like Goober
did in that one episode of The Andy Griffith Show, or build a house for their family like the guy on The Waltons
did.
But I can't. And maybe it's just my age, but I can't even pretend anymore that it's even interesting to me, because it
so totally isn't. Houses should just be there and cars should just run, and people should be able to spend as little time
and money and expend as little thought to them as they can.
It's not that I think I'm above that kind of manual labor. In fact I would probably do better if I had an actual skill
or talent, other than just being sarcastic and telling everyone how they should live their lives. But I don't. And I've accepted
that about myself, and moved on.
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