There's a show on now called "Chicken Soup For The Soul". If you've never heard of this show, it's just because it comes at 6:30 in the morning on Saturdays, when everyone on earth is asleep except me and about a billion people in China, and I'm pretty sure they don't get it there.

I've never seen this show before but I do know there's a series of books like this, "Chicken Soup For The Soul," "Chicken Soup For The Teenage Soul," and on and on. And now there's a Chicken Soup For The Soul website. Every so often someone makes a book that catches on right away and everyone jumps on board. I remember "I'm OK, You're OK" and "Everything I Need To Know I Learned In Kindergarten" and now of course there's this one.

I don't know what "Chicken Soup For The Soul" is supposed to mean. The stories are supposed to be inspirational, I suppose, like a series of Hallmark commercials, only not as well done. But chicken soup itself is hardly inspirational; it's just something you take when you're sick. Hence my confusion.

I know it's not supposed to be actual chicken soup, at least, I did think that. And then I found out that this show is sponsored by Campbell's Soup. Is that just a bizarre coincidence? Or were the Campbell's people behind this whole thing all along? If this is supposed to be actual soup, what is it made from? Holy water and chickens specially bred in the Holy Land?

People are crying on this show now, and relating to one another. In a minute they're going to hug. They're not eating soup, though, so I guess that part is supposed to be symbolic or something. I still don't get it. How does soup come in to this?

On a Hallmark commercial, there wouldn't be any hugging or crying. Someone would say "THANK YOU" or "I BELIEVE IN YOU" and then there would be a "moment" and it would be over. No would tell you how to feel or learn or grow. Hallmark commercials are great.

It's always chicken soup, it's never Tomato Soup or Lobster Bisque. Not even Chunky Chicken Soup With Vegetables For The Soul. But they do give it some variation, like I said before, when they come out with "Chicken Soup For The Grandparents' Soul," and "Chicken Soup For The Department Manager's Soul," and like that. They never seem to have ones that you think folks could really use, though. I mean, assuming that someone's sould actually needs a metaphysical chicken soup, it's good that there are different varieties for all of society's denizens, but it's unfortunate that there is none for the ones who really need it, like

Chicken Soup For The Hockey Dad's Soul
Chicken Soup For The Serial Rapist's Soul
Chicken Soup For The Frustrated Loner's Soul
Chicken Soup For The Extremist Muslim's Soul

The only folks who seem to read these books are the ones who collect beanie babies and watch "7th Heaven," and they're the ones who need them the least. They don't need anymore of that gooey inspirational stuff; they get enough from their day-at-a-glance desk calanders and their inspirational computer wallpaper and the posters hanging on their bedroom walls right next to their dried flowers and incense.

It's a shame you can't make people watch this show, like folks with road rage and stuff. I suppose judges could mandate it, but it would just wind up like the guys on Mystery Science Theater 3000. No one would learn or grow, much less hug or share their true inner feelings.

It's ironic that last week I wrote about stuntmen and thrill-seekers, because in a way this topic is the exact opposite of that one. One is all about excitement and thrills, while the other is all about peace and tranquility. And more irony is that these books supposedly bring you closer to God, while the stuntman thing brings you closer to death. It would be funny if someone was into both of these things, and read about inspirational stuff and then drove a four-wheeler off the Grand Canyon.

I wish there was a show like those Hallmark commercials. Unlike this show, or "7th Heaven," or even "Touched By An Angel" (which is at least occasionally good), I don't feel like I'm being manipulated when I'm watching a Hallmark commercial, which is another irony because it's the one being the most upfront about trying to sell me something. All these shows hope that they invoke certain emotions in you and hope that you're gullible (or stupid) enough to want to buy what they're selling so that you can continue to feel that way. I do buy Hallmark cards.

It's very hard to get me to watch a TV show, unless 1) There are things blowing up, 2) Someone on the show has super-powers, 3) One of the main characters is in some way involved in law enforcement, or 4) They live in outer space. Shows about learning and growing and feeling are tough sells, for me anyway. I might like this show, then, if it was called "Chicken Soup For The Space-Traveling Superhero Cop's Soul". And they got to blow things up. I wouldn't even mind the hugging and crying.

From The Mailbag (January 30)

I have seen Chicken soup for the soul. It's on the womens channel on the dich and I have watched it once for about 2.2 seconds. I saw the "wonderful" acting and turned the channel as fast as my little finger would take me away from the crappy acting. Just thought I would let you know so that you didn't feel so alone.

Thank you. Most of the time I feel like a blind orphan wandering in the darkness of my soul, but no more.