Completely Random Thoughts

In the winter in Alaska, daylight lasts for 20 hours and even at night it never really gets dark. It must suck to be a rooster there. (Update: A guy from Alaska told me this is wrong; its in the summer that the days last 20 hours, and in the winter the nights last 20 hours....but it would still suck to be a rooster there)

At the Burger King they were mopping the floor, and the entire place smelled like floor cleaner and hamburgers. I thought that if there was an alien that ate meat but drank ammonia instead of water, then they would probably love it.

My favorite color is glow in the dark
The funniest man's name is Schmuel. I don't even know how to pronounce it. The funniest Country's name is Yemen. It would be really funny if your name was Schmuel and you were from Yemen.

Those Alien things in the Sigourney Weaver movie that have two mouths are probably really good at bobbing for apples.
When I worked at a Taco Bell we cooked pinto beans in this big pressure cooker and then scooped them out and called them refried beans. Where's the frying part?

Don't Talk To Rangers

When I was a kid I got a coloring book called Don't Talk To Strangers all about kid safety and stuff. And they made a big deal out of explaining to me what a stranger was. But I always used to think a stranger was like one of the guys who worked in a park or something.

If someone is really tall and has a deep voice it might be funny to call him Lurch.

In the new Justice League cartoon, they live in a satellite called the Watchtower. Every time they say it I keep wondering if they're all Jehovah's Witnesses. Or maybe big Jimi Hendrix fans. Or maybe both. Maybe Jimi Hendrix was a Jehovah's Witness too. I don't know it's just getting to be too much to think about.

Doesn't everyone in Australia live near the beach? Where do they go on vacation?

If Santa's wife lived at the South Pole, would they be considered bipolar?

Once I swallowed a bug by accident and thought that meant I had an eating disorder so to make sure I didn't I ate a whole plate of spaghetti with really hot red peppers and got sick and threw up.

If you want to impress someone, tell them that in Germany you are a huge recording star.

A good book title would be Women Who Love Too Much (And Where You Can Go To Meet Them)

I became a vegetarian to get in touch with my inner broccoli

I've given myself permission to embrace my own joy.

If a boat full of mimes and lawyers was sinking, I bet the Coast Guard would have a hard time deciding who to save first.

My monkey will do anything for a treat.

I owe it to myself to be the best me I can be.

I don't know what lupus is, but for some reason I always think it has something to do with being a werewolf.

What function does Superman's cape serve? It doesn't look cool and it doesn't help him fly.

If people were made of cardboard we'd puff up when it rains

When the golf ball was invented, did the guy purposely set out to make it the size of hail?

If I was an entymologist I would drive a VW bug. That would be like totally ironic and stuff.

I want to make a bumper sticker for immigrants to answer the ones that all those ignorant rednecks put on their cars:

I was watching the Ken Burns miniseries about the Civil War. He said that when the war first started, General Sherman said that it would be a long, bloody conflict, and everyone literally thought he was crazy. Then they showed this picture of him. And I thought, maybe if he walked around looking like that, I'm sure lots of folks might have thought he was crazy. Did they not have combs or razors back then?
Before cell phones, how did ordinary people make themselves feel important? I swear sometimes I watch people driving around and I imagine what they're talking about..."Yeah, it's me...I'm taking a left turn now...I like Ashley Judd and I'm allergic to shellfish..."
I was driving past an herb shop near me and I wondered if they sold dillweed, and if they did, did they have teenagers working for them who giggled uncontrollably every time someone asked for it.
I hate when someone quotes a statistic like "If you placed all the straws Americans used each year end-to-end, they would go around the world 4 times. First of all, no one has any conception of how far that is, and secondly, no one cares.
I don't know about all this Feng Shui to keep evil spirits out of your house. I guess I do believe in evil spirits, I just don't believe that any of them are interior decorators.
Starburst is having a contest where you have to figure out the mystery flavor, but I've got it figured out. It's dirt.
I hate when people say they need time to "think things through". I say, if you don't go with your gut instinct, you're wrong.
I am being taught the ancient art of karaoke by a karaoke master, and when I can snatch the microphone from his hand I will be on the path of peace.
It's good to think outside the box. Unless you're training your cat.
If you could go back in time you could get rich selling antiques, because they would be everywhere.
Gotham City seems like an awfully dark place, like its always night time there. It seems like the perfect place to find someone like Batman; you know, he's all dark and mysterious. But what about Bruce Wayne? He's supposed to be this fun-loving playboy, why live in a ghetto like Gotham City?
And Superman is supposed to have all these super-senses, super-hearing, super-vision, etc. It seems to me this would be more annoying than anything else, like being hung-over all the time. Why isn't he constantly telling people to Shut Up, Keep It Down?!

If you make someone's middle name "Wayne" they sound like a serial killer. It doesn't matter what their other names are but it helps if the first name has one syllable and the last name has two.
I've never met or heard of a nice guy who had a tattoo on his neck. It must really hurt, I mean, bad enough to affect your disposition for the rest of your life.. Other places are ok, but the neck seems to push them over the edge.
I don't think that I will ever watch or like a movie that has a title with two words, the first of which is a present tense verb, the second of which is a proper noun. This includes "Saving Private Ryan" even though technically that has 3 words. Usually the title is alliterative, like "Chasing Amy". It's trendy and stupid and everyone thinks it sounds artsy and profound.
- Other good names for movies:
  Cloning Mona
  Hurting Bertha
  Hitting Ricky
  Waking Jacob

Radio Stations always say they play a "mix" or "the best mix". One station here in town says they play "the best mix of soft rock" and another says they play "the best country mix". What is it with this obsession of mixing? People don't want stuff mixed. When they want country, they turn to a country station to hear country music. And, note to radio producers: Playing one type of music continuously with no variation is not a mix. Playing thrash metal and bluegrass is a mix.
I don't trust fat lifeguards. I know I am not exactly svelte, but my job is not pulling someone out of the water and potentially having to breathe life back into them. I barely trust a fat person to keep breathing for themself, let alone for me or someone I love.

Why do we have a census every ten years? Isn't this just a little too much like when the teacher did roll call when you were in 3rd grade and everyone had to go "here"?
Sometimes I am thankful that people can't hear what I'm thinking.
The greatest thing about breasts is that half the population has them, so that no one has to go without. You see someone on TV with breasts and you think they're so great that only rich people could possibly have them, but thankfully this is not true. In fact, poor people can have better breasts than rich people. That's how it's set up.
People who work with animals are funny. And by "funny" I mean "stupid". They raise and breed and train them; they tell us how intelligent they are and should be given the same rights as humans; they even try to get whales to talk to them and teach gorillas sign language. And then, every time you turn around, they're releasing them back in the wild
Why does everyone on Star Trek ignore the doctor when he or she tells them to take it easy, get some rest, slow down, relax? Everyone does this. Even Vulcans. Is it logical to ignore what a doctor tells you to do? What are we learning? That sickness is weakness and no one needs to rest, ever. Unless they're ordered to.

There are Christian Children's Videos called Veggie Tales, with characters like Bob The Tomato and Larry the Cucumber. I think a good villain for them would be Raisin Hell.

I came home one morning and asked my two year old did he sleep well. He said yes. I don't know why I asked, though, or what other response I should have expected. To him sleep is just something you do, and not even have to think about.

You see all these movies like Goodfellas and The Godfather with all these ruthless mobsters and they're all Italian. But when was the last time Italy won a war? Or even the last great Italian general?

You can't trust lizards. The Gorn in Star Trek. Godzilla. The Race in those Worldwar books by Harry Turtledove. The Sleestaks on Land of The Lost. Jurassic Park. They always try to eat us or conquer us or kill us. Always.

There are farmers who raise goats, or pigs, or horses. There are wild goats who live in the mountains, wild pigs in the jungle, and even wild horses. But what about cows? And chickens? You never see wild cows or chickens. How would they live? What natural defenses do they have? Would wild chickens live in trees? Would wild cows have great big horns?
There's a new Jurassic Park movie coming out! I can't wait! This one has big, mean dinosaurs. And they eat people. But this one is different than the other two. This one has Tea Leoni.
What's the difference between herbs and spices?
The hero on The Sopranos just tried to kill his mother. To be fair, she tried to kill him first. Its weird and ambiguous and I keep rooting for the good criminals to kill the bad criminals. Its a good show, though, for people who like to hear other people say the "F" word. A lot. I don't get the product placements on this show, either. Do people sit at home and think "I want to buy the same cereal that the murderer eats!!"
If there was a self-help group for agoraphobic control-freaks, how would they decide where to meet and who would lead the group?
Trivia Question: In which movie does James Bond appear as a clown? Answer: Any of the ones with Roger Moore.
At some point in his life, someone told Joe Cocker it would be a good idea to pursue a singing career. What a cruel, cruel joke. Not on him, because he's had a career, but on the rest of America.
Why do they call them three musketeers who fought with swords and lived WAY before anyone invented a musket?
If you're engaged and your fiance asks you to go on a talk show, don't do it. Unless you're a midget, because midgets get married on talk shows all the time. Otherwise, you'll find out that she's cheating on you, or she's a guy, or something else you really don't want to know. In fact, if she asks you to go on a talk show, just go on and break up with her.
Do people who wear camouflage as a fashion statement think we can't see them? because I totally can.
If the plural of Octopus is Octopi, and the plural of Platypus is Platypi, then what's the plural of Schoolbus?
If things that are fattening make you fat, then what does shortening do?
If I had a Danish restaurant, I would call it The Great Dane.
In a world surrounded by satellites and 1000 channels of instant global communication, it seems really stupid that we have to keep seeing and hearing the same commercials and songs on the radio every 10 minutes.
People who like turtle soup should be grateful that the turtle comes with a built-in bowl. It's like God gave us one of those instant meals where you can just stir in hot water.
I heard a kid say he got in trouble for spitting out his liver. It sounds painful enough to have been its own punishment.
You can sing the words of "I'm A Little Teapot" to the Theme from Jeopardy, and you can sing the words of that "Spoonful of Sugar" song from Mary Poppins to t he tune of the evil Empire/Darth Vader theme from The Empire Strikes Back.
What if you went to a wedding and there was this beautiful ceremony and the groom was making this big speech about "giving her his name" and she was all making speeches about how she would wear the name with pride and wouldn't ever bring shame to his family....and you found out later the guy's last name was Hooker?
Everyone thought I had Tourette's Syndrome, but the doctors said I just like to blurt out obscenities at random
I wanted to start a support group for agoraphobics, but we couldn't decide whose house to meet at
It would be funny if there was a tour book of China called "You Come China, Happy Long Time"