Stupid Songs

Gilbert O'Sullivan

Claire

Claire
The moment I met you, I swear.
I felt as if something, somewhere,
Had happened to me, which I couldn't see.
And then, the moment I met you, again.
I knew in my heart that we were friends.
It had to be so, it couldn't be no.

But try as hard as I might do, I don't know why.
You get to me in a way I can't describe.
Words mean so little when you look up and smile.
I don't care what people say, to me you're more than a child.
Oh Claire. Claire ...
Claire
If ever a moment so rare
Was captured for all to compare.
That moment is you in all that you do.
But why in spite of our age difference do I cry.
Each time I leave you I feel I could die.
Nothing means more to me than hearing you say,
"I'm going to marry you. Will you marry me? Uncle Ray!"
Oh Claire Claire ...
Claire
I've told you before "Don't you dare!"
"Get back into bed."
"Can't you see that it's late."
"No you can't have a drink."
"Oh allright then, but wait just a minute."
While I, in an effort to babysit, catch up on my breath,
What there is left of it.
You can be murder at this hour of the day.
But in the morning the sun will see my lifetime away.
Oh Claire Claire ...
Oh Claire

This is actually much less a stupid song than it is just a really really creepy song that kind of makes you feel like taking a long shower with a hard-wire brush....

And, um, ewwwww.......

(From The Mailbag June 19, 2004)

I looked at your website because I could have sworn that song "Claire" (Gilbert O'Sullivan) stopped being played (in '71 or whenever) because it was about a pedophile and I was curious about it. Your website is the only one that says it's pretty creepy, everything else says how sweet and innocent it is, etc., but I really remember this being a big rumor in my junior high. I read on some "fan website" of Gilbert O'Sullivan who wrote that song that he wrote it about his manager's young daughter who he just really liked and it was supposedly very sweet and innocent but I totally remember radio stations abruptly stopped playing it - it was one of those things they played CONSTANTLY before that - and people saying that it was promoting pedophilia. (I didn't know at the time - I couldn't figure out most of the words.)

Yes, the song Claire is really really creepy. When you hear it, it's catchy and you don't think about it too much, but when you listen over it a few times, you start to go, "huh?" He's her babysitter and he's in love with her!! You can try to spin that, but you will not be successful. The creepiest part is at the very end, during the fade-out (the part that most radio deejays probably just talk over) you hear a little girl probably 8 or 9 years old giggling. Ewwww.

(From The Mailbag October 3, 2004)

I heard Gilbert O’Sullivan singing that Claire song on TOTP2 and thought it sounded great. So got a copy and then listened to the words. I was surprised and like everyone in this rotten cynical world thought immediately of paedophilic connotations. I have looked up the song and its about his niece, Claire and the line in it about “Uncle Ray” is with reference to the singer’s real name. I think that his sister or brother would probably have stepped in by now had old Uncle Gilbert been anything more than a doting uncle.

But it makes me think how pathetic things can get that a perfectly innocent song is torn to shreds 30 years later because the world is so much more aware of (though statistically is not any more affected by) paedophilia.

Dude, clearly, this guy is having some inappropriate feelings about his neice. "More than a child"? Come on, man. If this song is not about a pedophile, it so much sounds like one that this guy is the stupidest ass on earth for not realizing that everyone would think it was.

Bobbie Gentry

Ode To Billy Joe

It was the third of June, another sleepy, dusty Delta day
I was out choppin' cotton and my brother was balin' hay
And at dinner time we stopped and walked back to the house to eat
And Mama hollered out the back door "y'all remember to wipe your feet"
And then she said "I got some news this mornin' from Choctaw Ridge"
"Today Billy Joe MacAllister jumped off the Tallahatchie Bridge"

'n' Papa said to Mama as he passed around the blackeyed peas
"Well Billy Joe never had a lick of sense, pass the biscuits, please"
"There's five more acres in the lower forty I've got to plow"
'n' Mama said it was shame about Billy Joe, anyhow
Seems like nothin' ever comes to no good up on Choctaw Ridge
And now Billy Joe MacAllister's jumped off the Tallahatchie Bridge

'n' Brother said he recollected when he and Tom and Billie Joe
Put a frog down my back at the Carroll County picture show
And wasn't I talkin' to him after church last Sunday night?
"I'll have another piece-a apple pie, you know it don't seem right"
"I saw him at the sawmill yesterday on Choctaw Ridge"
"And now ya tell me Billie Joe's jumped off the Tallahatchie Bridge"

'n' Mama said to me "Child, what's happened to your appetite?"
"I've been cookin' all morning and you haven't touched a single bite"
"That nice young preacher, Brother Taylor, dropped by today"
"Said he'd be pleased to have dinner on Sunday, oh, by the way"
"He said he saw a girl that looked a lot like you up on Choctaw Ridge"
"And she and Billy Joe was throwing somethin' off the Tallahatchie Bridge"

A year has come 'n' gone since we heard the news 'bout Billy Joe
'n' Brother married Becky Thompson, they bought a store in Tupelo
There was a virus going 'round, Papa caught it and he died last Spring
And now Mama doesn't seem to wanna do much of anything
And me, I spend a lot of time pickin' flowers up on Choctaw Ridge
And drop them into the muddy water off the Tallahatchie Bridge

Well, I was never really sure what to make of this song, especially after the movie came out with Robby Benson, which didn't seem to have anything at all to do with the song except that the guy's name was Billy Joe and he jumped off a bridge.

Even accepting that we have no idea why Billy Joe jumped off the bridge, I guess its all kind of sad in the way that everyone just kind of accepts the fact that he's dead and doesn't even seem to really much care. I also have to assume that the woman singing the song was friends with him or something and never told her parents because he was from Choctaw Ridge and apparently those folks up there are all red-necked buck-toothed stump dumb crackers, unlike the fine upstanding cotton farmers in the other parts of Mississippi.

But then they infer that the singer girl was up there on the bridge with Billy Joe before he died. What were they doing up there? Is it significant that they were throwing something off the bridge? Was it a body, or do I just watch too much TV? I just don't get it. I mean maybe the song would make total sense without that one part about throwing something off the bridge, or maybe it's just all about how senseless suicide is or something. Or maybe its just stupid.

Another thought is that maybe what the preacher saw was the two of them go up to the bridge, and what he thought they "dropped" was really her actually pushing him off. Did she get away with murder?

And does anyone else find it odd that mama knows that the preacher dude saw someone who looks exactly like her daughter go up to the bridge with a guy who wound up dead 24 hours later, and yet doesn't think to ask if it was actually her?

And finally, it occurs to me that what they were dropping off the bridge was actually an advanced neuro-toxin that mimics the effects of a "virus goin' round", and that they were conducting discreet biological warfare. And maybe the neuro-toxin is just one part of a binary agent that's activated by the pollen of certain flowers. So, 1) they dumped the first biological agent off the bridge, which started the "virus", and 2) to activate it, the singer girl has to occasionally go drop certain types of flowers in the river. And maybe this is just the beginning!

If anyone has any thoughts on this, please email me. And fans of the movie, please don't send me any theories about Billy Joe secretly being gay.

(From the Mailbag, July 18, 2005)

Regarding Billy Joe and the Tallahatchie Bridge, I always figured that the narrator and Billy Joe threw their baby off the bridge. Whether it had been miscarried or died soon after birth, that would be enough to get Billy Joe to jump off the bridge - even more so if the baby was alive and for some reason they decided they had to throw it off the bridge so no one would find out. Maybe it was the narrator's idea and not Billy Joe's, and he felt too guilty and sad to live with it.

But anyway, that would explain the flowers, and the special perspective of the narrator (who sounds like she's hiding something or was closer to Billy Joe than anyone thinks, since she seems to emphasize the bland reactions of all of her family members).

Your take on the lyrics was so spot-on that, now that I look at them, I wonder how did I miss it? I joke about being the smartest man in the world, and then a letter like yours comes along and shatters all my vain illusions. Of course, I can still be the smartest man in my parents' basement.

Gordon Lightfoot

The Wreck of The Edmund Fitzgerald

The legend lives on from the Chippewa on down
Of the big lake they call Gitche Gumee
The lake, it is said, never gives up her dead
When the skies of November turn gloomy.

With a load of iron ore - 26,000 tons more
Than the Edmund Fitzgerald weighed empty
That good ship and true was a bone to be chewed
When the gales of November came early

The ship was the pride of the American side
Coming back from some mill in Wisconson
As the big freighters go it was bigger than most
With a crew and the Captain well seasoned.

Concluding some terms with a couple of steel firms
When they left fully loaded for Cleveland
And later that night when the ships bell rang
Could it be the North Wind they'd been feeling.

The wind in the wires made a tattletale sound
And a wave broke over the railing
And every man knew, as the Captain did, too,
T'was the witch of November come stealing.

The dawn came late and the breakfast had to wait
When the gales of November came slashing
When afternoon came it was freezing rain
In the face of a hurricane West Wind

When supper time came the old cook came on deck
Saying fellows it's too rough to feed ya
At 7PM a main hatchway caved in
He said fellas it's been good to know ya.

The Captain wired in he had water coming in
And the good ship and crew was in peril
And later that night when his lights went out of sight
Came the wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald.

Does anyone know where the love of God goes
When the words turn the minutes to hours
The searchers all say they'd have made Whitefish Bay
If they'd fifteen more miles behind her.

They might have split up or they might have capsized
They may have broke deep and took water
And all that remains is the faces and the names
Of the wives and the sons and the daughters.

Lake Huron rolls, Superior sings
In the ruins of her ice water mansion
Old Michigan steams like a young man's dreams,
The islands and bays are for sportsmen.

And farther below Lake Ontario
Takes in what Lake Erie can send her
And the iron boats go as the mariners all know
With the gales of November remembered.

In a musty old hall in Detroit they prayed
In the Maritime Sailors' Cathedral
The church bell chimed, 'til it rang 29 times
For each man on the Edmund Fitzgerald.

The legend lives on from the Chippewa on down
Of the big lake they call Gitche Gumee
Superior, they say, never gives up her dead
When the gales of November come early.

Well I don't know that I would really say that this song is stupid, per se. Because it is very well-written. But when you hear it, it sounds like something a ghost would sing in the middle of the night to someone about to jump off a bridge. And the question becomes, why o why o why did Gordon Lightfoot feel the need to write this song? It seems unlikely that he personally knew anyone who died on the Edmund Fitzgerald, because then he would have written something a bit more upbeat (at least, one would think that, who knows about hippies?). Could this song be more depressing? I count 14 stanzas, and everyone dies in the eighth one. The other six are about what a hellish torment it must have been, and their families are left to wallow in freakish misery, forever.

Green Day

Good Riddance

Another turning point

A fork stuck in the road

Well when most people talk about a fork in the road, they mean that the road itself forks (i.e., splits, is shaped like a fork). It's not an actual, physical fork that's stuck in the road. In one case it could be a metaphor for a major change taking place in your life; in the other, I don't know what it might represent except for severe tire damage.

Glen Campbell

Gentle On My Mind

It's knowin' that your door is always open
And your path is free to walk
That makes me tend to leave my sleepin' bag
Rolled up and stashed behind your couch
And it's knowin' I'm not shackled
By forgotten words and bonds
And the ink stains that have dried upon some line
That keeps you in the back roads
By the rivers of my memory
That keeps you ever gentle on my mind

It's not clingin' to the rocks and ivy
Planted on their columns now that bind me
Or something that somebody said because
They thought we fit together walkin'
It's just knowing that the world
Will not be cursing or forgiving
When I walk along some railroad track and find
That you're movin' on the back roads
By the rivers of my memory
And for hours you're just gentle on my mind

Though the wheat fields and the clothes lines
And the junkyards and the highways come between us

And some other woman's cryin' to her mother
'cause she turned and I was gone
I still might run in silence
Tears of joy might stain my face
And the summer sun might burn me till I'm blind
But not to where I cannot see
You walkin' on the back roads
By the rivers flowin' gentle on my mind

I dip my cup of soup back from a gurglin' cracklin' cauldron
In some train yard
My beard a rustlin' coal pile
And a dirty hat pulled low across my face
Through cupped hands 'round a tin can
I pretend to hold you to my breast and find
That you're waitin' from the back roads
By the rivers of my memory
Ever smilin', ever gentle on my mind

Maybe you're familiar with this song. Maybe not. But read these lyrics, paying special attention to the passages in bold red, and let me know if you don't think this song is about a hobo in love who thinks there's lots of women in love with him.

Creed

One Last Breath

Usually when someone says they're six feet from the edge, you think that they have to walk six feet to get to the edge of a cliff or a building or something. Which is ok, but it doesn't necessarilly imply that the cliff itself is only six feet tall.

The other possibility of course is that he's already jumped off the cliff, and he's six feet down from the edge, which may or may not be a long way down. I mean if he's still got 50 or 100 feet to fall, then its not really that far down. If you're at the bottom, it could be a long way down if you broke your neck and you're already dead.

But I would think that if the guy is thinking about suicide or something like that, he would be smarter than to jump off a six foot cliff, or building or something. It just seems so stupid.

(From The Mailbag:)

kittycatt32003: and Creeds song, he doesn't mean the jump is 6 feet, he means after the jump they'll have to bury them. And hes saying it wouldn't be so bad being dead..in a metaphoric way.

I agree, if by "metaphoric" you mean "stupid"

The Hooters

All You Zombies

Only Noah saw it coming

Forty days and forty nights

Took his sons and daughters with him

Yeah, they were the Israelites...

Well, Noah had three sons, but nowhere does the Bible mention daughters. Maybe their wives were like his daughters, I don't know. The thing is, Jacob was called Israel, and his children were the Israelites. And he was several hundred years removed from Noah. I mean, the daughters thing I can accept, but there's no way you could consider Noah an Israelite.

Goo Goo Dolls

Black Balloon

Ok, well, it's not that this song is stupid, it's just that I am, because I totally don't know the words and yet I sing it really loud every time it comes on. And it sounds so dorky, anyway....I tried to write down the words as I sang them, and share them with you here. And in case you're wondering, yes, I actually do sing the word "something":

Baby's black balloon something fly
Something something la la hole in the sky
Something Something about tomorrow
'Cause you were the same as me
But on your knees

A thousand other boys la la la la
Something something on the run
Something about the world something something
And scatter like ice from the spoon
That was your word

Fallin' down the one ton boulder
Angels fall without you there
Sigh go on as you, great shoulders
Or are you someone there

You know the lies that always toe shoe
And the something la la la
La la something something something
That swallowed the light from the sun
Inside your moon

Fallin' down the one ton boulder
Angels fall without you there
Sigh go on as you, great shoulders
Or are you someone there

And there's no time left for losers
o so, laaaaa

Fallin' down the one ton boulder
Angels fall without you there
Sigh go on as you, great shoulders

All because I'm
Fallin' down the one ton boulder
And angels fall without you there
And I'll something something something
All because I'm
All because I'm
And all because
You be gay to me

Alanisette Morris

Something In My Pocket

This is another one that I don't know the words to, but I sing it even when it's not playing and always making up different words to it, like:

I'm mean but I'm married,

I'm sweet but I'm sugar-free

I'm fat but I'm hungry

It's a lot more fun to sing than it is to read.

(Note: I've also just been reminded that the singer's name is Alanis Morrisette, and not Alanisette Morris)

Paula Cole

I Don't Wanna Wait

She had two babies

One was six months one was three

In the fall of '44

This is stupid on so many levels, but let's take them one at a time:

Well its stupid first of all because its the theme for that Dawson's Creek show which I've never watched more than 3.02 seconds of so I can't really say I hate it, but I do know that it totally sucks,
I know this isn't really stupid but it sounds stupid, and that is when she says one was 6 months, one was 3...it sounds like one was 6 months and one was 3 months, which of course is impossible unless they're twins and it was an extraordinarily long labor, or one's adopted,
Well, I saw the video before and Paula Cole is really great looking but the song says its 1944 and she's dressed up like a flapper from the 20's, ok, not that big a deal, except what if it was the 70's and she was dressed in a poodle skirt like the 50's? Huh? How would you like it then? I mean, 20 years in fashion can be a long time.

Tom Jones

It's Not Unusual

But if I ever find that you've changed at any time

It's not unusual to find out I'm in love with you, whoa, whoa...

So she has to change before he falls in love with her?

The Cars

Just What I Needed

It doesn't matter where you been

As long as it was deep

Deep? Is he dating a scuba instructor? A plumber?

Vicki Lawrence

The Night The Lights Went Out In Georgia

That's the night that the lights went out in georgia
That's the night that they hung an innocent man
Don't trust your soul to no backwoods southern lawyer
'Cos the judge in the town's got bloodstains on his hands

Well, I've heard that in the early days when they first started using the electric chair, every time they electrocuted someone the lights around the prison would dim because it sucked so much power from the lines. But it doesn't make sense that this would happen when they hang someone.

This song was recorded in 1973, and again a few years ago by Reba McIntire. Now it says the judge has bloodstains on his hands, but for some reason I could have sworn that I've heard it sung that the sherrif has bloodstains on his hands. You may think it's strange that I could mix up two words like "judge" and "sherrif" in a song, when one of those words has one syllable and the other one has two. But if you do think that, then you ain't from around these parts, because in the South, words like "Sherrif" and "Europe" only have one syllable. In fact, we even spell Europe Y-U-R-P. We make up for these lost syllables with words like "now" and "camp", which have two.

Well, the Georgia patrol was making their rounds
So he fired a shot just to flag em down
A big bellied sheriff got his gun n said why'd you do it

I've said before that I hate the stereotype of the stupid ol' Southern boy, but I have to question the wisdom of anyone who comes on a murder scene and, to attract the attention of the police, shoots off a gun. I mean, it's sad that this fellow got killed, but it's kind of a relief that his genes won't be passed on to a new generation.

The Beatles

If I'd been out til quarter to three

would you lock the door?
Will you still need me, will you still feed me,

when I'm sixty-four?

So why exactly is a 64 year old man staying out until three in the morning?

Dwight Yoakam

(from the mailbag March 20)

It's so cold and dark here all alone

A country song that makes me scratch my head. It's your standard "my woman done left me" tune...I can't help but think: This guy can't even find the thermostat or the light switch by himself? No wonder she bailed.

Unknown Country Artist

I should be sleeping

Instead of Dreaming of you....

How sweet! But don't most people dream while they're already asleep? Idiot.

Billy Gilman

Yesterday while walking home
I saw some kid on Newbury Road
He took a pistol from his bag
And tossed it in the river below.

It's like this kid had this gun and changed his mind about using it and dropped it in the river. Really nice. Except how does the kid watching all this know that the guy with the gun didn't already use it and was just disposing of evidence? Did he take a good look so that he could describe the kid to a sketch artist? It's the first thing I thought of.

Tim McGraw

Cowboy In Me
(Craig Wiseman/Jeffrey Steele/Al Anderson)

I don't know why I act the way I do
Like I ain't got a single thing to lose
Sometimes I'm my own worst enemy
I guess that's just the cowboy in me

Why is this the cowboy in him? Ok, when I think cowboy, I think roping and riding the bucking broncos, right? Why is he his own worst enemy and what does that have to do with being a cowboy? I mean, is this song addressing some kind of cowboy image, and if so, what is it?

I got a life that most would love to have
But sometimes I still wake up fightin' mad
At where this road I'm heading down might lead
I guess that's just the cowboy in me

So a cowboy is by definition, dis-satisfied, angry, disillusioned, self-destructive and bitter? Since when? I thought cowboys were self-determined, independent, really easygoing, with a simple folksy way of looking at things. Where is all this coming from?

The urge to run, the restlessness
The heart of stone I sometimes get
The things I've done for foolish pride
The me that's never satisfied
The face that's in the mirror when I don't like what I see
I guess that's just the cowboy in me

Now, restlessness I get. Cowboys move around a lot, they ramble from town to town. Heart of stone, yeah, they're all macho and afraid to talk about their feelings. But what is this about never being satisfied? And about not liking what you see in the mirror? Self-loathing? How is that a cowboy?

Girl I know there's times you must have thought
There ain't a line you've drawn I haven't crossed
But you set your mind to see this love on through
I guess that's just the cowboy in you

OK, so now a "cowboy" is someone who stands by her man when he breaks all the rules that she lays down for him? Isn't that the EXACT OPPOSITE of someone who is disillusioned and rambles around?

We ride and never worry about the fall
I guess that's just the cowboy in us all

OK, again, isn't someone who "never worries" the opposite of someone who's 1) his worst enemy, 2) fightin' mad, 3) got the urge to run, and 4) never satisfied? Maybe not. But it sure does seem a far cry from all he's talked about so far. And it just seems he's taking all these different qualities and just saying "Yeah *spit* that's just the COWBOY in me! Heh heh!"

It's like when a politician gets caught doing something wrong, they always make these speeches that start off by saying "I'm not a perfect man, I've made my mistakes, but I did not [insert crime or indiscretion here]." Doesn't that "not a perfect man" cover everything? I mean, he can just say WHATEVER HE WANTS after that, and if you call him on it, he can say "As I said, I'm not a perfect man." Well, we don't want a PERFECT man, just one who keeps his word and doesn't have affairs with college girls or kill people or lie or cheat or steal.

So, did you cheat on your wife? Yep! It's just the cowboy in me! Did you kill that man? Yep! *spit* I'm just an ol' cowboy! Is your wife a good woman? Yep! It's the cowboy in her!

I mean, "cowboy" covers everything. It excuses bad behavior and it compliments people and you just can't go wrong with this.

Backstreet Boys

Let me show you the shape of my heart...

What does that mean? What different shapes do hearts come in? What would it mean if your heart was in the shape of, say, a tractor? Or is his heart like one of those ink-blot tests?

I've thought about this one a lot and it still in no way makes sense to me. I've even argued about it with people and it always seems to go the same way.

You're being too literal. It doesn't mean that your actual, physical heart will be in a different shape.

So then what DOES it mean?

It's a metaphor.

A metaphor for what?

It's like when you say "My heart is true" or "What's in my heart".

I understand what's IN my heart. But I don't understand why my heart would be in the shape of something other than a heart, or why someone else would want to see it.

Now you're being difficult.

I mean, can you just use the word "heart," say whatever you want, and then when someone asks you what it means, just say it's a metaphor? It would seem so.

TLC

Don't go chasing waterfalls

Stick to the rivers and lakes that you're used to

How would you chase a waterfall? They're stationary. I mean you could chase a rainbow, because they will always be on the horizon, but a waterfall?

Diamond Rio

Last night I had a crazy dream
A wish was granted just for me
It could be for anything
I didn't ask for money
Or a mansion in Malibu
I simply wished for one more day with you

One more day
One more time
One more sunset maybe I'd be satisfied
But then again
I know what it would do
Leave me wishin' still for one more day with you

I am certain it's meant to be romantic, but to me it just sounds stupid. This is the trouble with the morons who write country music, ok? The guy can wish for ANYTHING HE WANTS. Why not just more than one night? Why not absolute power over every living being in the entire universe, limitless wealth, and revenge against his enemies?

ABBA

You are the dancing queen

Feel the beat

on the tamborine....

That's so stupid. There isn't even a tamborine in that song.

Take That!

Whatever I said
Whatever I did
I didn't mean it
I just want you back for good

Well my question for this guy is: If he doesn't know what it was he said, how does he know he didn't mean it? Is he just one of those weenies who let people walk all over him and to keep a woman he'll cave in to anything like he has no beliefs or opinions of his own? Or is it just that he doesn't ever mean anything he says?

Ok...so don't ask me why my wife knew this, but the Unknown Pop Artist from the Stupid Song section is "Take That!"....

Hope you're not as disturbed by this revelation as I am!

-Chris

P.S.: Please credit Allison with this discovery (I wouldn't want to lay claim to such knowledge)

Thanks Chris! And Allison!

Rod Stewart

...And never will I roam
'Cause I know my place is home
Where the ocean meets the sky I'll be sailing

So, is he staying home or is he sailing away?

Kool & The Gang

I often pray before I lay down
By your side
If you receive your calling
Before I awake
Could I make it through the night?

Putting aside how insanely morbid it is to sing about someone dying in bed while you're asleep with them, just think about the logistics of it. She dies, we don't know how, and he sleeps through it. So why wouldn't he make it through the night? However she died, he already slept through it. Unless she died in a fire or something, in which case obviously he would die too, and the answer would of course be no, you wouldn't make it through the night. But if I wake up next to someone who's dead I am probably going to be calling 911 and doing CPR and all that, and just leave all the freaking out til later.

Unknown Country Artist

You had me at hello...

There's a line from the movie Jerry Maguire where Tom Cruise is giving this big speech and Rene Zellwegger stops him by saying "You had me at hello." Well then some country songwriter actually wrote a song called "You Had Me At Hello," which was a stupid line even in the movie. I reckon I should be grateful that it wasn't followed up by the smash hit "Show Me The Money".

Lee Ann Rimes

Gonna buy a one-way ticket

On a westbound train

See how far I can go....

Well, first of all, don't you have to know how far you're going before you buy your ticket?

Second of all, can't you just figure out where you are, how much money you have, how much the tickets cost, and then figure out how far you can go? Why do you have to actually buy the ticket?

And finally, if money is no object like I assume it isn't for Lee Ann Rimes, isn't it obvious to her that wherever she is, a train can only go so far west before it comes to the ocean? Can't she just look at a map?

Unknown Country Artist

I've always heard it told
Love's worth its weight in gold
It can't be bought or sold

This sounds like something a third grader slapped together. What rhymes with "told"? "bold"? "hold"?

First of all, ok, Basic Economics 101 here: When the value of one thing can be compared to something else, it's said to have an economic value. It doesn't even have to be in dollars or yen or pounds; a cow might be worth six chickens or a house worth ten cows. So if something is worth a certain amount of something else then it can be "bought" or "sold". Ergo, if something is worth its weight in gold, then I can give you x amount of gold in exchange for whatever it is. So love is either worth its weight in gold, or it can't be bought or sold, but it can't be both.

Now you're thinking, But wait!!! "Love" is not a physical thing that can be weighed, right? So it can't be bought or sold after all!

Sort of. But that's not what the song says. Let's do a little word problem: This guy says "love" is worth its own weight in gold (and gold per ounce as of Friday was at about $268 USD, you can check it out at www.bordergold.com). Now since love weighs NOTHING, then what does this song say love is worth?
This is all simple math! Even Jethro Bodine could have ciphered that one. I hate when people say dumb things like that.

America

I been through the desert on a horse with no name...

Why did the horse not have a name? If he rode it all the way through the desert, didn't he have time to think of one?

From The Mailbag (March 20)

I've always liked "A Horse With No Name" and that I can understand why the horse would remain nameless, as it would be so much less poetic to ride through the desert on "A Horse Named Bert." Also, it's my understanding that after a while the desert can kind of zap your brain and cause you to do things like stare aimlessly at nothing for hours on end; this would not be conducive to coming up with a name for the horse. The part of the song that confuses me is where he says, "There were plants and birds and rocks and things/There was sand and hills and rings." Rings? What rings? Crop circles? Is he on Saturn? What?

Billy Vera & The Beaters

Did you think I would hurt you

Or raise me hand to you?

Is he really saying that he would hit her? What's that about? It's just so sick, I have to wonder if that's what he is really singing about.