I'm Gonna Live Forever

People love celebrities. No matter how obscure or out-of-date a celebrity is, there is someone out there who thinks they are the greatest actor, the most talented singer, whatever. And then they make a home page fan web site about him or her.

Somebody good-looking I can understand, or someone who sings really good. Or someone who really was popular at one time, or used to be well-known even if it was just in certain circles. But what I mean is like someone who calls themselves a Danny Bonaduce Fan. I mean, some people like Danny Bonaduce, and some people don't, but I don't know personally anyone who would call themselves a Danny Bonaduce "Fan".

It's like you're saying you're a big fan of the guy who played the Bunch of Grapes on the Fruit of The Loom commercials. Or your favorite group is Tommy TuTone. Or the best TV show ever was "That's My Mama".

I don't know, they say fame is fleeting, and maybe it is. I used to really like this show called "The Flash", based on the comic books about the guy who ran real fast (I like superheroes, so sue me). Anyway, there was this one episode where the villian was the Mirror Master, and he was played by David Cassidy. I thought he was so cool, and he did such a good job on that one show. I knew who he was, of course, from "The Partridge Family", but I never thought he was much of an actor. None of the Brady Bunch could act...well, except the dad, and Alice, sort of. Then I saw a TV movie about David Cassidy and it was all like what a huge star he was, at least with teenage girls. I think now he's like 85 years old, but I still think he's cool. My point to all this, though, is that even though I still think he's cool, I wouldn't say I'm a David Cassidy "fan". At least like I would say I'm a Buddy Holly fan or a Teri Hatcher fan. And as for fame, it may be that David Cassidy's career isn't exactly at its peak, and it may even be that women who were chewing bubble gum to the tune of "Come On Get Happy" in 1971 would still pay to see him in concert, but I doubt that many of those women still have David Cassidy posters on their bedroom walls.

And still, David Cassidy is famous. Danny Bonaduce is famous. The guy who played the bunch of grapes in the Fruit of the Loom ads is...well, maybe sometimes fame is fleeting.

I don't know why I'm thinking about all this. I don't know why I seem to have this Partridge Family fixation, either. I just think it's interesting that whatever you do to gain your celebrity status or how long it's been since you've been a celebrity, there will always be some weirdo who thinks that you're the best-looking or the greatest or the whateverest. And most likely they'll have a website.

When I was in high school my girlfriend's favorite actor was C. Thomas Howell. Maybe in hindsight she has reconsidered, or at least I hope she's got a new favorite actor. I once knew a guy whose favorite band was America. Not his favorite 70's band. His favorite band. Of all time. And this was 1991. Did I mention his favorite band was America?

Golly, just as I'm writing this a movie comes on TV: "The Outsiders". What an all-star cast. C. Thomas Howell, Ralph Macchio, Diane Lane, Matt Dillon, Patrick Swayze, Leif Garrett. They were all famous in the 80s. For like 10 minutes.

I don't think less of anyone who isn't famous. I do feel bad for them, if that's how they define themselves. It works at different levels, anyway; it's not like there are two class of people, the famous and the not-famous. For every Elizabeth Taylor, there's a dozen Tom Cruises, and for every Tom Cruise there's a hundred Fran Dreschers, and for every Fran Drescher there's a thousand Fruit of the Loom guys....and for every Fruit of the Loom guy, there's a hundred million ordinary guys like me.

Fame must really suck, if you ask me. I mean, you can't go anywhere without folks recognizing you, and always having something to say, good or bad. I mean, naturally, I like it when people like me, just as long as they like me from a distance and don't talk to me. At all. And then, once you are famous, all you ever want to be is more famous. Whatever song you record or movie you make always has to be as good as or better than the last one you did, because if it's not YOU SUCK. And if it is, then you're just more paranoid that your NEXT movie or song will flop and THEN you suck. And if strangers recognize you and talk to you in public, it's a pain in the ass, but if they don't that means you're not famous and YOU SUCK.

Maybe the worse thing about being like a famous movie star would be having to deal with other famous movie stars, and all of them would be just as insecure and psychotic as you. I mean, you see, say, Sarah Michelle Gellar on TV and you think it would be cool to hang out with her or date her or whatever. OK, maybe it would. But you know how annoying it is when like your wife or girlfriend asks you if a dress or something makes her look fat, and if you say yes she freaks out on you and if you say no she doesn't believe you? Or like your boyfriend or husband will have a bad day at work and come home and take it out on you by yelling or just generally being an ass? Well, multiply that by like a bajillion percent. Plus the fact that your girlfriend or boyfriend or whatever will be working looooong hours on these movie sets for weeks on end, and their job will be kissing people who are a million times better looking than you.

It's like there's this "fame" meter, and on one end is Paul McCartney, Elizabeth Taylor, and Madonna, and on the other end is Carrot-Top and Blair from "The Facts of Life". Everyone else is in-between. I mean like Tom Hanks is way up there, but not as up as he was when he was winning all those Oscars. It's a sliding scale. You can't worry about staying married to or only associating with people who are on the same level as you. People try, but they can't. Thats because it's always up and down. That's why they get divorced all the time. One's stock goes up, and the other's goes down, and then one day one of them has a crappy day or asks "Do these pants make me look fat?" and then it's over. Sometimes they wise up, like when Elizabeth Taylor married that janitor guy....and sometimes the ones they marry wise up, like when the janitor guy divorced Elizabeth Taylor. But what else was she going to do? It was him or Michael Jackson.

Maybe it's not as bad as all that. Maybe they're not all insecure, neurotic psychopaths. I sure wouldn't want to find out, though.

A final thought: Isn't it ironic that none of the kids from "Fame" went on to do anything else?

What Makes People Attractive

Normally I don't write about good-looking women. At least not in the sense that I write about who I think is good-looking and why I think that. I guess I have this fear of putting stuff in writing, like someone can pin me down. Like if I said that Farrah Fawcett was good-looking, it would be out there, somewhere, in writing, that I think Farrah Fawcett is pretty. And if it's in writing, it's forever, and some archaeologist is going to uncover this in 1000 years and go "A-ha! Yes, this is the guy who thought Farrah Fawcett was good-looking!" And for all I know, those will be the only words of mine that will survive and so in centuries to come all anyone will know about me is that I thought Farrah Fawcett was pretty. And worse will be if the only evidence of Farrah Fawcett that survives is 1) the fact that I thought she was pretty, and 2) that interview she did with David Letterman a few years ago where she was all hopped on whatever she was on.

It could happen.

I'm at a weird age, anyway, where I can just barely think Britney Spears is pretty without people reminding me how old I am. Or I can like Lauren Graham on "Gilmore Girls" but not the one who plays her daughter on that show, even though in real life she's 20 years old. Which isn't creepy at all, since she's on TV and all I'm saying is that she's pretty, but might be a little creepy if someone like me knew her in real life (and wasn't married) and asked her out and by some sign of the apocalypse she said yes.

For women it's different. A 35-year-old woman can say that she thinks Simon from "7th Heaven" is hot, and no one thinks anything about it. Well, except that she has a Big Eyebrow Fetish. At the same time, that same woman can say she likes Steven Tyler, and that wouldn't be strange at all. I mean, the age thing wouldn't, but Steven Tyler would still look like a scarecrow.

I think the cut-off age for guys to think women are good-looking is 21. I don't mean the "legal" cut-off age, but the "don't creep me out you pervert" cut-off age. And that's only assuming that she doesn't play a 16-year-old on TV; then it's 27.

Generally, though, once women get over 30 in Hollywood, their careers are winding down, and once they hit 40, that's it. There are some exceptions, like Sela Ward and Rene Russo. But that's not how it should be. There are plenty of 40+ women who still look good.

I don't know how I got on this subject, when all I wanted to say is that I think I'm starting to like eyebrows. Like when a woman on TV lifts one eyebrow and gets this mischeivous grin on her face, that's pretty. I'm noticing eyes more. Maybe it's my age. Maybe it's a flu bug. Maybe there's a pill I can take.