70's Action Hero

When I was little I used to have these elaborate adventures. My adventures usually involved a race of tiny people who no one else ever saw, or a race of people who were actually invisible and only talked to me, or a room full of technicians who gave me instructions through a secret transmitter implanted in my head. The thing was that whoever was giving me instructions or helping me out was someone that no one else could ever see or hear. That way, I could just be a regular kid and no one would know that I was secretly Adventure Boy, a bionic alien super-spy.

My adventures were always pretty involved. I always had one underlying theme, or primary focus, like trying to save my "real Dad" from enemy spies, or trying to find my best friend, or trying to locate a magic amulet that was the key to saving my home planet. I usually got sidetracked on these missions by having to save a princess or falling off a cliff. For some reason this was a frequent problem for me, falling off of cliffs...or, more accurately, nearly falling, and pulling myself up by my fingertips. Once I saved the Princess or whatever, I always dusted myself off and returned to my primary mission. Because I was very goal-oriented.

My invisible friends usually just gave me advice. They would cry out, "Watch it! That's a trap!", or "Don't touch that! It's poison!" This would never fail to confound my enemies. The invisible people were invaluable. But they weren't as much help as the tiny people, who would string up ropes to trip people or throw things at the bad guys. Sometimes when a particular adventure was over, I would put them in a Coke can and throw it in a lake or a creek, so that they could try to find their own way home (to Littletinyville or wherever they were from), and I would stand there and wave to them until they floated away...or, well, sometimes they sank. But that was ok, too, because that only meant that fish came and saved them or that the can was really a submarine.

The guys in the control room who transmitted messages to me, now, they were a different story. They were always telling me what to do, or that my bionic parts weren't made to take this kind of strain, or that my alien body couldn't be exposed to earth germs for too long. I was always arguing with these guys, because they always wanted me to be too careful, but that's not the kind of guy I am. I have to get things done.

There were two guys in the control room, Mac and Bub. Strangely, most of the guys I encountered on my missions were named Mac and Bub.

I could drive a car really, really fast. Faster than anyone else. Not so fast that it didn't take me an hour to catch a bad guy racing through the woods or around my neighborhood, but still fast enough that they never got away.

I was bulletproof and could turn invisible. I had an impressive array of armaments and defensive devices, including ray guns and ropes that I could shoot out to climb up walls and cliffs. Most of the devices I invented myself, but the special powers that I had were almost all the result of lab accidents. There were explosions and smoke and lots of coughing, and sometimes I was unconcious for a while, but that was ok because when I woke up I could read minds or lift huge boulders. The lab accidents seemed to happen on a weekly basis, but I was fortunate that OSHA never paid a visit to my research complex.

To use any of my powers or to get any of my devices to work, I had to announce my intentions. Usually it was something along the lines of "O no! I've fallen off a cliff! I need to use my super grappling hook to climb back up!" or "By using my super-speed, I'm able to run faster than you can see!"

I was stronger than everyone, too, and they knew it. Because I told them. I would laugh and say "Ha ha! You're no match for me!" And most of the time, I had to take on more than one guy at a time. They never stopped trying, though.

I always had a girlfriend, too, who was usually in jeopardy and relying on me to rescue her, and always sufficiently in awe of me that she would swoon at the sight of me. I had to brush that off, though, because I didn't have time for love. So I would kiss her and she would leave on a train. I'm not sure why she always left on a train, but there you go.

Of course, my battle against evil was a secret. I couldn't tell anyone, especially my family. They wouldn't have understood. They weren't my real family, anyway: My real family was from Jupiter, or, well, someplace like that, I was never really sure.

As I got older, Mac and Bub stopped contacting me so much, but even now sometimes I hear from them, especially when I'm extremely bored or under a lot of pressure. Like in a job interview. I'm too old to go out on missions, but I sometimes gather data with my computer brain. Just doing my part to keep the world safe for freedom and democracy.

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Frequently Used Plot Device On Law & Order

I love Law & Order. It's like the greatest show on, except for Star Trek.

I love the cop parts, where they track down suspects from absolutely no clues. I mean, they find one hair or a spot of lipstick . The bartenders always remember everyone who ever came into their bar. The witnesses always talk smart alecky to the cops. But they always get the suspect.

The lawyers are the best part of the show, though. I liked Ben Stone, but Jack McCoy rules. Not only does he almost always manage to get a conviction, the thing is he can do it even when you try to bend the law to your own advantage, or get immunity, or whatever. Say you kill someone, but he can't prove it, or you confessed but he can't use it as evidence, or someone else has already been convicted of the same crime. That's ok. He'll get you for conspiracy, or perjury, or somehow he'll twist it around so that you're really guilty of embezzlement or rape. If Jack knows you're guilty, you're going away.

There is a conversation that takes place along these lines, in one form or another, in every single episode. When Jack is deciding what to do, he and his assistant will consult with Adam (or, now, Nora) and it goes like this: