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There used to be this old comic book called Doom Patrol. I don't remember anything about when it came out or who was
all in it. All I remember is a robot man whose name I think was actually Robot Man, and a guy named Negative Man. Negative
Man was all black like a shadow, with a glowing outline around him so that he looked like a total eclipse, only shaped like
a guy. He was supposed to been made out of negative energy. I don't remember if he could go back and forth between energy
and a normal guy, and to tell the truth I'm not even sure what "negative energy" is, although it sounds a little like he was
made up of people's depression and complaints like how all those hippy people talk about negativity. And he sounds less like
a superhero and more like a whiny baby.
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| Negative Man |
I'm sure I'm not the first one to make this observation. I wonder if Superman ever feels this way, or does he go around
around feeling super all the time?
"Good morning, Jimmy!"
"Good morning, Clark! How's it going?"
"Super!"
"Good morning, Perry!"
"Good morning, Clark! How are you?"
"Super!"
Eventually someone would have to make the connection and say to themselves "Hmmm...Clark is always
super...Wait a minute! Clark is always super! I wonder...."
Or maybe some days he just doesn't feel super. Maybe he likes to bitch sometimes too. Maybe it's a good thing he got
married.
"Good morning, honey. Rough night?"
"Huh? O yeah, some dumb ass got stuck in the ice in the North Pole again. And the Prankster tried
to rob the museum, again, using the same damn stupid giant jack-in-the-box that he's been using the past forty years! And
then he was all...."
"What?"
"O, you know..."
"Gum that tastes like black pepper?"
"No! I'm not stupid, geez!"
"Super sneezing powder?"
"No, the museum is still standing."
"Kryptonite joy buzzer?"
"Yes! Dammit, I hate that son of a bitch!"
"What's really the matter, Clark? The Prankster doesn't usually get to you like this."
"I don't know, I just don't feel Super today..."
"O my God! You're not losing your powers, are you? Can you still fly? Are you bullet-proof? What color are my panties?"
"Calm down, I still have all my powers, I just feel...."
"O, good. Well, quit complaining. You're starting to sound like that whiny bitch on the Doom Patrol. And clean out
the gutters before you leave for work."
You never really see Superman complain about stuff, or Batman or any of those guys. Although Spider-Man does, like, all
the time. I wonder why Spider-Man doesn't get a therapist. I mean, he's always all "I can't bear all this responsibility
that comes with this power, I need to quit and....o no, wait, once I let a guy go and he killed my Uncle and I swore I would
never....o no, wait, that doesn't mean I have to take on every psycho mobster clown in Manhattan, does it...o no, wait..."
Spider-Man does have a lot more to bitch about, though. He's just a regular working joe, trying to make a living, not
an ace reporter billionaire private eye. On the one hand, I guess it makes him more human. On the other hand, I don't really
give a crap. I mean, hearing Spider-Man talk about his problems, to me, is like listening to Donald Trump complain that he
can't find a wallet big enough to hold all his fifties.
Now the Hulk had problems. Or all those people on Gilligan's Island. Or Worf, man, he was always being kicked out of
something or dishonored or disrobed. Or Darren on Bewitched, I mean, geez, could someone put another spell
on that guy? But then again, a lot of his problems were his own doing, because he was awfully high-strung and hard to get
along with. I always wondered what Samantha saw in him. But Samantha had a big domineering lesbian for a mom, so maybe she
had issues of her own. But still that doesn't change the fact that Darren was a big pain in the ass. It might be fun to have
Darren, Dr. McCoy from Star Trek, and Sgt. Carter from Gomer Pyle all put together in a room and just watch
them give each other heart attacks.
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