Funny Things I've Said

In High School the biology teacher was holding up a frog that we were going to dissect, and he said "You may notice it has a blue tint to it, but that's because...." and I interrupted him and said "Because it's not easy being green" and got sent to the principal's office
My wife and I were going to a class about breastfeeding and the nurse who was teaching it was talking about how its ok to breastfeed on either side, but that some women in Africa only breastfed on one side because they were always rowing their canoes on the other side....and I leaned over to my wife and said "That must be the tribe of women who row around in circles all the time."
At church service, the sanctuary was getting full and I was standing at the back when some usher guys came out and started setting out chairs in rows, and every time they set a row down it filled up with people. Then one of the guys motioned for me to sit down and I whispered, "I'm waiting to see where the very back row is gonna be" and he kind of laughed once really loud, "HA!" and everyone turned around and looked at me.
My friends Andy, Danny and I have this thing where we only even have to look at each other a certain way and we'll crack up, especially during times when we know we're supposed to be serious. Like when we were at our friend Kevin's wedding and Andy and I thought it would be a good idea to sit next to each other. Kevin was marrying a Korean girl and the preacher would talk for a while, then a Korean preacher would speak next, all in Korean. Well, while the Korean guy was talking (for what seemed like a LONG TIME), I leaned over to Andy and said "Man, I can't understand a word that guy is saying!" and Andy and me started laughing so hard that the pew was shaking and everyone turned around and looked at us.
A guy at my church was trying to grow a beard and it was all thin and wispy looking, and he was rubbing his chin and saying "It makes me look like a thinker, doesn't it?" and I said "Yeah, it looks like you're thinking about growing a beard."
My friend Tara broke up with her boyfriend, and I asked her why. She said that there was just no chemistry between them. I asked her, "What about geometry? Was there geometry between you?"
When I worked maintaining a database for a pharmaceutical research group, I heard these techies talking about breast cancer research, and for some reason they thought it would be a good idea to ask my opinion. I told them, "I don't know anything about cancer, but I've been studying breasts for years."
One of the science-grokking doofwads didn't get that I was joking, and asked me what kind of research I'd been involved with on breasts. I told him "A lot of hands-on work, actually." He still didn't get it.
For several years in a row, on Labor Day weekend, there was a convention downtown of angry black lesbians, and you can guess how much they loved me, a middle-aged Southern white guy. Anyway, they stayed up all night screaming and drinking and partying, complaining and cussing at me, and basically raising hell. My boss came in Saturday morning and asked me how my night went, and I told her "It was like something out of the Old Testament....right before the plagues came."
We had about half the hotel filled with rowdy Australians for about a week, and one of them was joking with me and commented that I had probably never seen so many Australians all together before, and I agreed with him, and mentioned that the hotel had spent a week preparing for them all...and that it was like a small beach town getting ready for a hurricane.
A guy I know lived with a family member whose behavior at home was growing increasingly bizarre, but since they always acted normal in public, no one seemed to believe him when he talked about it. I told him that he was like the guy on Mr. Ed trying to convince people that his horse can talk.
Once a guy was talking to me all about Jesus and he kept saying how he was "on fire for the Lord" and how I needed to be "on fire for God" and he said it so much that I kind of got tired of hearing it, I mean, that particular expression...and so he asked me did I know what he was talking about, having an enthusiasm for God or whatever, being "on fire" and I said "I think so....isn't that why the Bible says when we stand before God, He'll say Well done, thou good and faithful servant...?" This doofwad didn't get it, until I pointed out the relationship between being on fire and being well done.
There was a group of women at my work who were always cooking and bringing in food to each other, and I was teasing them all one day and I said "Ya'll must have some kind of food club or something. What do you call it...Waiting To Inhale?"
One day a really good looking co-worker of mine came in and was looking very uncomfortable. I asked what was wrong and she said she had a pain in her left breast. I said "Would you like to pray about it? I could lay hands on you."
I went with my church to a "Judgement House" (this one was outdoors on a trail) one Halloween, where they re-enact the Book of Revelation about the apocalypse, and one of the young girls was moving slow through the line, and I told her to hurry up or she would be left behind.
When they got the the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, they actually had four guys riding horses, and I said to the girl next to me, "I wonder what happens when they get to the Seven Seals....do they use real seals?"
I was in a support group and we were going around the circle telling everyone our story, and just about everyone was saying that they've "been through hell," it was almost like a mantra, so when it came to my turn I said "I can't really say I've been through hell, but I did drive through Dallas once."
I come from a large family and inevitably people get around to asking the stupid question "Why did your parents have so many kids?" So I just started telling folks that they had six or seven before they even realized what was causing it.
A friend was telling me about a woman who worked for Waffle House for 28 years and then got hit by a car. I said "Was she scattered, smothered, and covered?".
A girl I know was very obsessive and stalker-like, and another friend of mine suggested that I read a book called "Women Who Love Too Much". I said, "Does it tell you where these women hang out?"
A guy was telling me about how he wanted to go to Japan and have "one of those women in the robes who walk all over your back". I told him, "You don't have to go to Japan. I had one walking all over me for 13 years."
Just after my divorce was final I was in a Bible study and the leader was talking about how Jesus cast demons out of people, and he looked at me and said "What kinds of demons does Jesus have to cast out of your life?" and I said "Well....He's already cast her out of my life."
This is just generally something that I've said at different times, in situations where people are discussing alcohol, and is it ok to drink it or not, like in my Sunday School class some of them were like, yeah, and some were like, no it's bad...and as soon as the conversation starts getting heated, I'll chime in and go, "I'm drunk right now." It's very inappropriate.
A friend, trying to imply that I was paranoid, said "You know, they have medication now for paranoia" and I said "Yeah, but that's how they get to you."
At a meeting to discuss the companies' 401K, the financial dude said we could make "Catch Up" contributions to start off, and I asked if they could be offset by Mustard contributions.
A friend of mine is selling Juice Plus...they're tablets that have all these vitamins and stuff in them, and I commented that it was a lot like what they took on The Jetsons. She laughed and said that, seriously, the benefits were verified by a lot of scientific studies. I said "And by a lot of cartoons."
I'm the only guy in my department, and the youngest one too. I was talking to a 24-year-old woman who was just hired in another department, and she said that when she was being interviewed, they asked her if it would be a problem working with people who were older than she was. I said "They didn't ask me that when I interviewed, and I'm getting a sunburn from all the hot flashes in my department."
Years ago I was telling a friend that I was probably drinking too much, and she suggested that I take up jogging. I told her I tried that, but the ice cubes bounced out of my scotch glass
I was talking to Dierdre about watching Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan with my kids. She said "I don't watch geek movies. But don't take that the wrong way." So I said "Of course not, how could I take that the wrong way? That would be like you taking it the wrong way if I said you were a bitch."
A woman at work said that her husband was Turkish, but wasn't a practicing Muslim; I said "That's like me, I'm Irish, but I don't drink."
A guy at work made a whole ton of fudge and was passing it out at the office, and he mentioned that he had spent the weekend packing boxes of it to send to his neice's boyfriend in Iraq...and I said "So you spent the weekend packing fudge for the troops?"
A woman I know had ordered lobster bisque at a restaurant, and said later that she had really liked "that Bris Soup"...I said "I'd hate to think what they make that from."
My friend Maryanne told me that, to meet women, I should just do what I love to do - Like, if I like to run, I should just run, and meet someone else who loves to run. I said "Yeah, I met someone at the liquor store the other day"