I was reading this comic book that started off with Superman, Wonder Woman, and Batman on the moon. I mean, they
were just kind of hanging out there. The secret Justice League hideout had been destroyed or something and they were just
standing around, talking.
Superheroes do that a lot these days. And they don't talk so much about fighting crime, either: They talk about philosophy
and personal accountability and world events. They do like one page of crimefighting to seven pages of talking about it and
philosophizing about what an awesome responsibility it is.
(Note that when I say "world events" I don't mean Iran's nuclear program or Bush's current approval rating: I mean
Lex Luthor's killer satellite program and the inevitable war with the undersea kingdom of Atlantis.)
Anyway, they talk and they talk, on the moon, like that's the most natural place for them to have a conversation. And
while they're standing there talking, all I can keep thinking is, "Where does everyone else think that Bruce Wayne is right
now?" I mean, he's got to be a pretty high-profile celebrity, with paparazzi following him around everywhere, and yet
he spends these huge amounts of time everyday dressed like a bat and beating the crap out of people, or talking to superheroes
on the moon, or consulting a supercomputer in a cave underneath his house. If I was Bruce Wayne, I would have six robots who
looked just like me, and send them out to get photographed two or three times a week, sunbathing nude with Paris Hilton.
And then I got to thinking about the whole secret identity thing, and if there was a real universe where there are superheroes
like that, what would it be like? Like, here, when you meet someone who talks to themself and claims to be from Mars, you
can be 100% certain that he's crazy. But in Comic Books, you could never tell who was crazy and who was from Mars and just
talking to their invisible robot friend from the future. Or if someone appears to you and tells you that he's your great-great
grandson from the year 9876, you can be pretty sure he's full of crap. But there, you wouldn't. In fact, based on the comic
books I read, it would be a pretty sure thing that he was actually from the future.
And I wonder if people would get all paranoid about it, and see some weird guy and wonder if he has a secret identity.
"He's so weird, I bet he's a superhero!"
"You think he's Superman?"
"I don't know if he's Superman, but he's somebody!"
You would have people from other planets, and Atlantis and invisible places like Wonder Woman's island, even people from
other times. You would have people from alternate futures and parallel dimensions, and unfrozen cavemen and talking monkeys
and wizards.
Think of all the different religions. Would Fundamentalist Christians try to convert them all? I mean, Wonder Woman definitely
doesn't believe in Jesus. Or Thor. Or maybe Wonder Woman and Thor would try to convert people to their religions. Maybe there
would be temples to Odin and Zeus, or even temples to actual people who were superheroes. That would make people crazy.
Or what would he UN look like, with Ambassadors from Atlantis and Gorilla City and Amazon Island? How would you even
monitor places you could never get to, or that were invisible?
And what about therapists for people with super-powers? What about insurance rates?
Am I the only one freaking out here?
