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Bit I: I Wish I Had A Stalker
I wish I had a stalker. I mean, not a violent, bunny-boiling stalker who threatens to kill me, but a nice stalker who
brings me things and picks up my dry-cleaning and leaves me little notes in my jacket pockets.
I saw an episode of Law & Order: Criminal Intent where this really hot blonde was stalking this heavy businessman
guy, and then Goren got her to stalk him and then she was arrested in the end. But it didn't seem so bad the way she stalked
them, it was kind of sweet in a way, how she left notes for them and watched out for them and stuff like that. Nothing violent
or weird. Well, except the part where she killed people.
I'm not condoning that she killed someone, or making excuses for her. I am totally, 100% against killing people. No matter
how hot you are.
People talk about stalkers like they're so scary, which I guess they can kind of be, because you never know what someone
will do. But it always seems so wussy to me to actually be scared of someone like that, especially now when you have people
always being so afraid of "cyber-stalkers" which to me seem about as scary as having "cyber-affairs" are emotionally satisfying.
But then people talk about identity theft being such a growing problem, and I thought it would be funny if someone
was being cyber-stalked and then someone stole their identity, and then that person started getting stalked because the stalker
thought that he was stalking someone else.
It's kind of the same way how I was thinking about how all these cults like Jim Jones or that sneaker cult in California or David Koresh, all want to kill themselves, which I never understood. But then you have Muslims who want to suicide-bomb
all the Christians, and it occurred to me that they kind of have similar goals, and why can't we send a Muslim suicide bomber
into a Christian suicide cult, and kind of bring the faiths together? Isn't it kind of like going up different sides of the
same mountain?
Bit II: Fake Psychic Readings
I used to get bored and go into chatrooms and give fake psychic readings. I know it sounds bad but I never told anyone
anything that a real psychic wouldn't have said. I mean, if there are real psychics, which I don't believe, I never said anything
that I didn't imagine they would say. I got pretty good at it, even to the point where I could actually tell folks that I
wasn't a psychic and still give them a reading and still have them believe it.
It would go something like this:
Does anyone want a reading?
Are you a psychic?
I don't like to use the word "psychic" exactly. I get impressions. [Note that I don't say how I get the impressions
or what the impressions are of]
Can you see the future?
That depends. We all make our own futures, you know. What do you want to know?
I want to know if I will ever get married.
Isn't that kind of up to you?
Well, sure, but will I ever meet someone?
(pause) Yes, you will definitely meet someone. And soon.
When will we get married?
That's up to you. The future isn't written anywhere, you know. Everything you do today affects everything that happens
tomorrow.
This would go on and on, and they would want to know everything. How will I recognize my future spouse? What does he
or she do for a living? Where will we honeymoon? How many kids?
Folks in psychic chatrooms don't want to have to make any decisions for themselves.
Everyone wants to know the future, and I think its just so that they don't have to put any effort into anything. They
think that if they know, in the future, that they'll be married and have these great genius kids and fabulous careers, then
it won't matter if they screw around and smoke pot all day, because they know where they're going to wind up. It's like they
have to know that there's this future out there for them, and it's written in stone, and all they have to do to get it is
just live; they don't even have to work for it.
Which is why I never believe anyone who says they can see the future. Because, technically, the future doesn't even exist.
We make the future, we make our own choices and decide for ourselves what kind of lives we lead. Or not. But whatever.
I guess there's always going to be crap that we can't control, like earthquakes and wars and stuff. And it would be nice
if we could see that stuff coming, but even so we can still decide how we react to things.
Bit III: Job Interviews
(I was actually ranting about my job search at this point, I think back in December, when you go
on what you think is a great interview and then wonder if it really went great and then start resenting the son of a bitch
who interviewed you just because he has that much power over you. But then I fell asleep)
I always get nervous for job interviews. I worry about how I look and how I smell and what I'm going to say and how I'm
going to say it. It seems like the whole rest of your life could hinge on one small detail, one sideays look or turn of phrase.
You could say one little thing that reminds the interviewer of the time his little brother stabbed him in the head with a
fork, and then no matter what your qualifications were or how well the rest of the interview went, you're just out of luck.
There's really no other time in your life, that I can think of, where so much can hang on one single thing. And what
sucks the most is that so many little things can be so important and you not even know it. I mean, who knows what they consider
important or what they're looking for or what kind of weird fetish or phobia they have? They always ask questions like, "Where
do you see yourself in five years?" What's the right answer to that? Five years is a long time, and if you'd asked me five
years ago where I saw myself, it sure as hell wouldn't be eating instant rice in my parents' basement and having to go on
these lame-ass interviews where I have to predict where I'll be in another five years.
No, you say, it means, where would you like to be in five years, if you could? What would you like to accomplish?
If I could? I would be absolute ruler over every living being in the entire universe, have unlimited wealth, and all
of my enemies would die like pigs in hell.
But somehow I don't think that would fly. And anyway, how could you even apply for that job?
I'm just tired of interviews, and applying for jobs, and I'm tired of people having this much power over other people's
destinies, and I hate that society gives them that much power.
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