Or maybe not.

 

Anyway, to show the judge that I was serious and that I really wanted to take care of the kids, I signed up for a parenting class that was given by the county where I live. It was a good class, even though I felt a bit out of place, as I was the only one there voluntarily: Everyone else was there by court order, because their kids were out of control or because there had been problems in the home or whatever. Also, I was the only one there with all my original teeth.

 

The course was about setting boudaries for children and teaching them to make their own choices, which made a lot of sense to me even though it's a far cry from the typical parenting method of "Just do what I say or you'll get The Belt!" Most of the folks in the class subscribed to the latter method, and seemed to think that if they told their kids what to do, and the kids just did it and stopped asking questions and being rebellious, then everything would be ok.

 

And they continued to believe this even as their kids were trying to burn the house down and robbing grocery stores.

 

Most folks think that there are two ways of doing things, that there are two choices to make: A right way and a wrong way, a good and a bad. There's not even any reason for it being right or wrong, it just is and that's the way it's always been and you're not even allowed to ask why.

 

One very popular school of thought is that kids aren't old enough to know right from wrong and have to have all their decisions made for them. There's some truth there, because kids don't know jack-squat, and left to their own devices, they'd believe in ghosts and magic, that The Flintstones was real and that you can die from eating too many Pop Rocks.

 

Except that I think right and wrong are intuitive. I think even kids know that there is a right and a wrong, a good and a bad. They need to be taught how to do right and how to make right decisions, but I believe that everyone can at least recognize that there is such a thing as right and wrong.

 

But here's the thing.

 

When you always tell a kid what to do, even when it's always the right thing, you make sure that he's always right but you don't teach him how to be right, or what happens when he makes a mistake. He has no choices, he makes no decisions.

 

The stereotype of the Catholic schoolgirl is all pure and virginal, til she reaches a certain age and then she gets all slutty. This is exactly what I'm talking about: She always had those decisions made for her, and never taught how to decide for herself. And suddenly here she is faced with an actual choice, able to make her own decision with no guidance and no instruction, and guess what she does? And why not? Other than some vague notion of eternal hellfire, she doesn't have any reason not to screw around.

 

So what's the answer? Just let the kid make all of his or her own decisions? About everything?

 

Well, no. Because obviously, kids are all insane. They want candy all the time. They think people can really fly. They have no sense that they can ever actually be injured or die. Just setting them loose is crazy, and irresponsible and in most places illagal.

 

So you find a middle ground. You set boundaries and give them goals, and then you let them make their own choices to reach those goals within the boundaries you set.. It's not complicated. I tell my kid he has to get his homework done. he can do it in his bedroom, he can do it at the table, he can do it when he gets home or right before bedtime, so he has lots of choices. He can't choose not to do it, or to do it when he gets up in the morning before school. If the homework regularly isn't getting done, his choices start to get limited.. He has goals, he knows what his boundaries are, he lives with consequences and he learns how to make his own decisions.

 

Because this is exactly what real life is like.