Anyway, in this particular book, because the world is new, when someone throws a big piece of metal that was broken off a lamp-post back in England, it grows into a lamp-post. And then later, the two kids plant a piece of toffee and it grows into a Toffee Tree overnight.

 

When I was a kid I thought this was the coolest thing ever, and I used to imagine what kind of trees I would grow if I could do that.

 

The first thing I would do is grow a marshmallow tree, I think because of the toffee tree, it just seems like the next logical thing. And then I would cross-pollinate the marshmallow trees with the toffee trees just to see what would happen. That would be kind of cool and it would probably freak out all the bees in Narnia. The book never says what the fruit of the toffee tree was like, and I wonder if it was more like natural fruit that was good for you or was it all sugary and bad for you? All it said was that it had papery leaves (I guess from the paper that the toffee was wrapped in) and covered with little brown fruits that looked like dates. And that's kind of cool to think about but it doesn't explain why the lamp-post bar grew into an actual lamp-post and not a tree with lamps on it.

 

And that makes me wonder if you could grow a car or maybe even a whole building if you planted, say, a brick? That would be weird.

 

The next thing I'm thinking I would plant paper clips. Because in the book, the kids just planted what they happened to have on them, and usually I have random office supplies in my pockets. A pen tree doesn't sound cool, but for some reason a paper clip tree does.

 

Since I'm talking about it, it makes me wonder how I could even get to Narnia, since I'm not a little kid and I'm not British, and if I could only plant what I happened to have on me. I might grow a spare change tree, which would be awesome but it probably wouldn't grow into money that you could spend; it would be fruit that tasted like money, which would be stupid. And anyway I'd be in Narnia and the money wouldn't be any good.

 

I could plant my cell phone but it wouldn't grow into a very cool tree, cell phones wouldn't work in Narnia, and when I got back to my own world I wouldn't have a cell phone. I wouldn't want to plant my shoe, because then I would have to walk around Narnia with no shoes, but it would be kind of cool to plant my socks.

 

If I could plan my trip to Narnia and bring a backpack, that would be ideal, because I could bring graham crackers and different kinds of cereal.

 

For some reason now I'm starting to think that if I could ever really get to Narnia, Aslan would spend a lot of time giving me this look like "What in the hell is the matter with you?" I got a lot of those looks growing up. I don't know why.

 

I could never understand what Michael Stipe was saying when he was singing this song Sitting Still. When I do a search for REM lyrics, every site I go to gives different lyrics and none of them make any sense or mean anything, but on Google the first site that comes up is this one, which lists these lyrics:

 

 

I always thought that he was saying "Sit and try for the big kill" but what do I know? Here's another site's version:

 

 

Maybe you have to drink a lot of cough syrup before you really get these lyrics.

 

I can eat two eggs cooked sunny side up with a piece of toast. I mean, I can eat it with the toast, i.e., I use the toast to eat the eggs. It's amazing, I didn't even realize I was doing it til this morning, partly because I don't eat eggs like that anymore when I have my egg white omelettes, but mostly because it's been so long since I've eaten breakfast with anyone. This is like a really dumb superpower that I didn't even know I had.

 

Anyway, it's Christmas morning and

I didn't get to finish this Christmas morning, obviously. You'll always be wondering what I had to say.