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I loved the Iron Man movie. Not so much that I can watch it over and over like Batman Begins, but still.
Once on Seinfeld, Jerry and George had an arguement about whether or not Iron Man wore underwear underneath
his armor. I've wondered that myself, but having watched the movie I now have a more crucial question about Iron Man: How
does he keep from burning up when he's flying through the desert at supersonic speeds inside a steel-alloy shell?
The Incredible Hulk was another decent movie, and I especially like how all these movies are starting to cross over with each other, eventually
culminating in a gigantic movie with all of the Avengers.
Except Thor. I mean, Thor will be there but I've just never cared for Thor. Maybe it's the way he talks, like saying
"forsooth" all the time. What the hell is that? Why can't he just talk normal? I mean, the dude is like 9000 years old, and
he can learn to speak English but no matter how long he spends among humans on earth, he can only learn to speak medieval
English.
Captain America was frozen in an iceberg for 50 years, and he doesn't go around saying "Saaaay, what's the big idea??"
and talk in all that other strange 40's slang.
The worst is Ant-Man. So much about Ant-Man doesn't make sense.
The first thing is the name. Why would you have a lame-ass superhero name like Ant-Man? Spider-Man has a bug name,
but at least some people are afraid of spiders. No one is afraid of ants, unless they have a weird phobia about them. And
while a spider phobia might engender some sympathy from the general population, it seems like an ant phobia would only cause
people to laugh at you. Maybe because people generally just step on ants.
| A picture of Ant-Man coming out of the Hulk's nose |
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Shrinking doesn't seem like much of a super-power in any event, but especially when you're fighting alongside the Hulk,
Captain America, Thor and Iron Man. It's hard to imagine a set of circumstances where those four guys need Ant-Man to help
them battle an enemy, or where any of the other Avengers think "I wish Ant-Man was here." Unless one of them had an itch in
a really hard to reach spot maybe?
They're the most powerful super-heroes in the universe! And Ant-Man is with them too!
Ant-Man's secret identity is Henry Pym, and when he started his super hero career, he was Giant Man. Giant Man was
like 30 feet tall and has far as I know he didn't have any other super-powers, but really all I know for sure is that he didn't
have the super-power of thinking up cool super-hero names. Really, the name "Giant Man" is only slightly better than "Great
Big Man" or "Big Ass Dude".
I don't know the story of how he went from being Giant Man to being Ant-Man, although it's not hard to imagine why a
guy with no super-powers wouldn't want to be the tallest one in a group of group of guys who every super-villian in the universe
wanted to shoot with atomic death rays.
One could argue, of course, that any team would benefit from counting among its members a scientist smart enough to defy
every law of biology and physics to increase or decrease his density and mass without suffering any ill-effects. Although
one could also argue that anyone smart enough to do that, and yet not devote himself to curing cancer or AIDS, is just a giant
douchebag.
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