New is the new Old

If it was possible to kill someone with kindness, I would always feel safe around you.

I have another great title for a conutry song: "You're The Salt On The Slug Of My Heart" - Is someone writing these down?

If you're an assistant to an attorney, you're a Legal Secretary; so, if you're assistant to a mob boss, does that make you an Illegal Secretary?

Man should not live by bread alone, but by peanut butter and jelly also shall he live

My 13 year old son said he wants to be like me. I told him he really dreams big.

I’m a mystery wrapped in an enigma and covered with AWESOME!!!

If we really did learn from our mistakes, we would all be college professors

If General Schwarzkopf worked the front door of a Salt Lake City Hotel, he would be Stormin' Norman the Mormon Doorman

I had to have "The Talk" with my 13 year old last night and, though unprepared, managed to get through it without once using any cartoon sound effects

It would be funny if there was a deleted scene where Kristen Stewart gets a ticket for not picking up after her werewolf

I wonder if werewolves have a fear of rolled-up newspapers

If I learn to take small plastic airplanes and tell you when they were made, then I can tell everyone that I date models.

If someone will help you work out, but doesn't really get to know you, would you call them an Impersonal Trainer?

I think I would rather be remembered as a decent person than a Great American

I want to open a Kosher Mexican Irish Pub and call it Schmuel O'Tacos

I used to be my own best friend. But I got in a fight because I owe myself money, and now I'm not talking to myself.

If my name was John and I owned a dairy farm, I would sell Italian cheese under the brand name Farmer John's Parmesan

It sure would be nice in the mornings to have someone to support me. I don't mean emotionally; I mean to physically hold me up so I don't fall down.

I haven't seen any of those Twilight movies, but if some teenage girl asked for my advice about who to choose between a vampire and a werewolf, I think the first thing I would ask would be "Are those your only two choices?"

If I was a cop, I would want a bulletproof hat

If Andy Griffith had played Yoda, he would have named his son Opie Wan

If Sarah Palin was really Going Rogue, she could absorb Obama's powers and become President

For people who don't like needles, I would administer anesthesia by spreading it on toast, and then market it as Coma Toast

If Bill Gates was ever involved in a political scandal, they would probably call it Gates Gate

I wonder if Superman's dog chases airplanes

My friend Dan says marriage is like prison, but I disagree. People escape from prison.

Always show respect. Chicks really like that.

Guns don't kill people. People kill people. They just use guns to kill them.

Guns don't kill people. Bullets kill people.

Always think positive. Unless you work in one of those free clinics.

I  thought I'd found my calling but today I found out that, technically, sarcasm isn't a calling

I think Roy Acuff could have made a lot more money by marketing men's dress accessories and calling them Roy Acuff Links

Love your neighbor, but be discreet about it

If NASA ever sends rednecks into space, I bet they'll just report back that any alien lifeforms they encounter "taste just like chicken"

If God didn't intend us to eat turtles, why would He put each one in its own bowl?

When I die and I stand before God, if He doesn't ask about how nice I was or how I lived, but instead asks how many times I did the Hokey-Pokey, I'm going to be really pissed

They say we only use 10% of our brains, but for most people I deal with, this figure seems way too high

Why don't more Catholics name their kids NEAL? And why don't more Baptists name their kids DUNCAN?

I bet when Iron Man comes home at night, his armor is covered with dead bugs

I think it would be spooky if Arnold Shwarzenegger died and on his tombstone it said "I'll Be Back"

If in the future they invent a James Bond kind of flying jet pack, I hope they don't make us wear tuxedoes when we fly around with them

I hate it when people make a big deal out of me!! Please people, I put my pants on one leg at a time, just like Ghandi or the Pope.

I wonder, if I get one of those radios that I have to crank by hand, could I be charged with battery?

NASA scientists are saying that almost half the moon is covered with ice. At least, that's what the optimistic ones are saying.

I want to start a landscaping service and call it Lawn Order, and drive around in an Xterra and call it my Lawn Order: SUV, and even sponsor an annual camping trip for paroled juvenile offenders, and call it Lawn Order: Criminals In Tents

My marriage was kind of like the Temple of Doom: There was a brief ceremonial ritual where my heart was removed and I was slowly lowered into hell, the kids were mistreated and the food sucked.

I think it would be really ironic if the government started systematically persecuting optimists

I think the moon landing was faked. Not only that, everything that happened in the 60's was faked

You can make anything sound dirty: If you say something, just nudge the person next to you and say "If ya know what I mean..." If someone else says something, interrupt them and say "Is that what you kids are calling it these days?" Hours of fun.

If you think someone's a vampire, should you just say "You're undead to me"....?

When are we going to put aside our differences of race, religion, and politics, and just make fun of ugly people?

For I was hungry and you gave me to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me to drink, I was naked and you called the cops

If I was a dentist, I would have a sign in my office that says "Your Dentistry Is Yours To Control"

A woman once told me that if women ruled the world, there would never be war. I disagree. I think not only would there be war, but they would go on forever, and we'd never know what we were fighting about, because they'd always be saying things like "Oh, I think you know why we're bombing you!!"

If I ever win the lottery and get rich, I promise I won't forget all the poor people who used to be my friends

I’m so awesome, Superman is MY secret identity

I don’t worry that I have an evil twin out there somewhere, but sometimes I worry that I'm someone else's evil twin

God doesn't require our past of us, He requires our present. God doesn't promise us the future, He promises us His Grace. The Now is the only time that touches eternity: Don't look back with guilt or regret, or look forward with anxiety or fear.

I think a really cruel joke would be to name a kid "Bark" and then tell him that he's ruler of the dogs because they're always calling his name

I’m thinking Tarzan probably named himself, because left on their own, apes probably all name their kids "Ooo" and "Aaahh"

If we all learned to laugh at ourselves, everyone would wonder what was so funny

I think a really bad natural disaster would be a swarm of locusts inside a tornado that was made of fire and smelled like garbage. I bet no one would go chasing it.

If you buy the best Cadillac that there is, would they say that it's the Cadillac of Cadillacs?

You know how you used to dream of getting revenge on that one kid in school who was always too cool for you? I'm still too cool for you.

If it keeps raining, I'm afraid we'll start growing gills and evolve into a hgher form of life

Attitude affects the kind of person you choose to be, but to believe that positive thinking affects the universe or the laws of probability is, to me, the height of arrogance and narcissism. Choosing to be happy won't help you win the lottery or keep you from getting hit by a bus; it just means you should choose happiness no matter what happens. (See Ecclesiastes 9:11)

I once accidentally listed my occupation as "Defendant"

I wish I had a nickel for everytime someone told me they wished they had a nickel for something

Klingons beat Pirates OR Ninjas

Someone told me that their blood-sugar was low, and I said that "Blood-Sugar" sounds like something Klingons would put on breakfast cereal

Under Where?

When someone is annoying, and they have friends who are normal but for some reason don't recognize how annoying that person is, that's annoying

I think optimists are more gullible than regular people

I’m not saying that where I live is country, but the number one video game out there is Banjo Hero

I haven't bought a house yet, because I'm still waiting on the federally-funded "Buy One get One Free" program

Every year, I make a special journey to thank all the vets for our freedom, and every year they escort me out of the animal hospital for harrassing them.

My life is kind of like the show Baywatch, except there's no beach and I don't know CPR.

If God was something we could measure and observe, or a Person we could see and talk to, the He could never be more than that, and we would never have to choose Him and faith would mean nothing more than sight or sound; as it is, God is the Unseen and the Miraculous and the Unmeasurable, He is more than we can comprehend, and we can only understand Him as he reveals Himself to us.

My life is kind of like the show Friends except it's just me

If there was no pain or suffering in the world, then no one would ever try to make anything better than it is

I wonder if Superman ever gets bugs in his eyes when he flies really fast? They wouldn't hurt him, but you'd think they would at least annoy him.

If everything I touched turned to gold, I would probably starve to death, but at least I wouldn't get mauled by wild animals

I’m initiating a Zero Tolerance Policy on Moron Jerkwads

Whatever doesn't kill you makes you bitter

My thirteen year old was really upset today because he claims there is nothing in the house to eat, and even if we went shopping there is no room in the refrigerator to put anything

I had a nightmare last night. Gloria Estefan was in it, and the rhythm was really going to get me.

If you're in the Senate you're a Senator, if you take polls you're a pollster, so if you're in a political caucus, does that make you a Caucasian?

When Steve Perry sang the song "Oh Sherri" to his wife, does that mean her name was Sherri Perry?

If I go to the movies alone, am I dating myself?

If I perform an operation on my action figures, is that considered plastic surgery?

Whenever I listen to Bob Dylan, I wonder if the record is playing at the right speed

I wish I had a helper monkey

If Steve Austin had had a Living Will, there would never have been a Six Million Dollar Man

The last time I stayed at a hotel, I got free turndown service. I asked out the woman at the desk, and she turned me down.

I’m not feeling awesome today

See no evil, hear no evil, eat no evil

When you think about it, making a wish on the bones of dead animals that you just ate is pretty barbaric and kind of gross. So next time you make a wish on a wishbone, just don't think about it.

I’m getting tired of people telling me insulting stuff and then saying "No offense" like that makes it ok? They should just be honest and say "Offense".

I believe it's always a good idea to go back to school. Unless you're just going to hang out in the parking lot like you did in high school.

There are traffic jams at the Four-Way Stops in Barrow County all the time, because there are no signs telling the drivers when to Go

Have you ever noticed that everything they do to train astronauts - bouncing them up and down, spinning them in circles - is just like toys that babies play with? And then we send them into space in a confined space, where all their food is mushed up? That's why I think babies would make good astronauts

I  will never understand why do human beings deliberately do things to hurt one another, and take pleasure in the pain of others - don't they realize that the pain you cause others only diminishes yourself?? I believe, like MLK, that when one of us suffers, we all suffer.

People think Jon and Kate are a train wreck? I disagree. A train wreck doesn't keep going on and on forever.

Dear Mick Jagger, Time is really not on your side anymore, sorry. Love, everyone who can see

For my next trick I'll need a volunteer from the audience

If Jedis can lift things with their minds, why can't they fly?

Chicks always tell me I'm insensitive

Studies have shown that people who make in excess of $250K per year are generally much less happy and fulfilled with their lives than those who make less. It's crap, of course, but we have to cling to it.

If I was one of those powerful conspiracy people trying to take over the world, I would make a fictional TV show detailing exactly what I was trying to do; that way, when anyone tried to sound the alarm, no one would believe them because they'd just think it was a crazy person who thought the TV show was real.

My boss just asked me if I had any change, and I said "Change must come from within"

I just listened to a thing about preventing identity theft, and I'll tell ya'll right now, whoever wants my identity can have it

If an alien came to earth and assumed human form and asked me what do we earth people do for fun, I would take him to the dentist and get him a root canal, just to make sure that he never though about taking over the earth.

I used to wonder how did folks up in Canada keep warm in the winter, but now I wonder how do all those women keep from melting right through the ice...

I have never had to deal with being in denial.

This is my favorite part - Everybody sing along

In the movies, people who don't like each other are secretly in love. In real life, women who watch movies like this think that it's true.

Please note: It's not.

If there was a country whose chief export was raw liver, that would be their gross national product

Will someone PLEASE doctor Jackson Browne's eyes already?!

If you don't have something nice to say, piss off

If I owned a hang-gliding business in the Czech republic, I would call it Czech Kiting

Do veterenarians do PET scans?

I asked the doctor if he could give me something to keep my hair in. He gave me a paper bag.

I wonder if Geddy Lee had been from Montana or Wyoming, would he have written a song called "The Spirit of Rodeo"....?

If I was writing a self-help book for marine biologists, I would call it The Porpoise Driven Life

I prescribed a dose of reality for your Optimism. Take one shot a day for two weeks.

In the criminal justice system, the people are represented by two separate but EQUALLY AWESOME GROUPS!!

I’m thinking that if Yoda had been a dentist instead of a Jedi Master, he probably would have kept saying "Luke, trust your fillings!"

I just heard about a book called "Women Who Love Too Much" and wants to know where I can meet these women

Someone once asked C.S. Lewis about the children's books he was writing, and he said "It's Narnia Business"

It'll be a real World Series when we play against the aliens

This morning, I hope I'm not as old as I feel

Aren't all teachers STUDENT teachers? Duh!

Why in the name of everything that is holy on God's green earth do you ALWAYS accuse me of being dramatic??

Of all the holidays, I think Halloween best prepares our children to live in today's world. Going up to the homes of strangers begging for food.

Of all the superheroes, I think Thor would be the most annoying one to hang out with

Why are they called Three Musketeers, when they didn't use muskets?

I think a wristwatch that unfolded into a robot would freak me out more than a car that unfolded into a robot

The best part of having a car that unfolds into a robot would be chicks like Megan Fox wanting to hang out with me

I think that rodeo clowns and those weather guys who stand out in the middle of hurricanes should not be prescribed anti-anxiety medication, or it would get them killed

A beautiful woman just told me I was special. I hope she didn't mean it like in the Special Olympics way, but I have my doubts

Citizens Against Censorsh

I think that Nadya Suleman and her kids should dress like dalmations for Haloween

Maybe I can make some money on the side if I put a rope around Quinn's bedroom, call it a habitat, and charge admission? Please stay back from the rope, and don't feed him...

Sometimes I think I might be indecisive

Sometimes I have a hard time reconciling my own belief system with the commonly-held notion that all the people who like to party and have fun are going to hell, while all the annoying people telling me to look on the bright side will be waiting for me in heaven

If Congress tried to draft a bill saying "Have a nice day," it would be ten pages long

There is nothing more annoying than a positive attitude

I’m afraid that if chicken wing restaurants get any more popular, then the demand for wings will outpace demand for the rest of the chicken, then scientists will try to genetically engineer a multi-winged chicken, and then they'll screw up and the planet will be dominated by Godzilla-sized monster chickens

I once had a Christian guy tell me that "demonic activity" accounted for everyone who ever graduated Clown College, and was the reason that parrots could talk

The gorillas keep their habitat cleaner than my kids keep their rooms

I'm not at the end of my rope but I can see it from here

Lucy was complaining that she didn't have any friends. Trying to look at the bright side, I said "Well at least you don't have to wonder."

"Lynn Wood O'Quinn: Do you remember that day, when I was your Friend of the Day? That was a great day.
I do remember that day, Lynn. The sun was shining and the birds were singing in the trees, as I recall. Colors seemed brighter somehow and even the flavor of my chewing gum lasted a bit longer. It was all so perfect I thought it might be a dream, but then I noticed that other people could see you too, and I knew it was all too real. I think I will always remember that day with fondness."

Especially that chewing gum thing.

Which is better, religion or pudding? Lots of people have fought and died for religion, but pudding has never hurt anyone.

Does the Great Pumpkin have arms and legs? Because a pumpkin with arms and legs is creepy. Although not quite as creepy as an intelligent, telekinetic pumpkin that floats through the air. Someone explain this to me.

If I owned an auto parts store, I would call it Top Parts

Don't force your religious beliefs on me by telling me to have a nice day.

For many years I had this constant buzzing in my ears, accompanied by a chronic, debilitating pain, but then I divorced her

A Man is known by the company he works for

They say a penny saved is a penny earned, but shouldn't it be the other way around?

What good is cake if you can't eat it?

There is definitely an inverse mathematical relationship between how hot a woman is, to how long I'm willing to listen to her talk about her cat

Maybe it's just me, but I don't think adults should use the word "Yummy". Something about that I find disturbing, and I don't know why.

My friend Dan told me that his dad had three hip replacement surgeries in the last four years, and the doctors still don't know what the problem is. I suggested that part of the problem is, he's only supposed to have two hips.

Who I am is my problem. What you think of me is yours.

Newspaper circulation continues to decline. Pretty soon, there won't be any "paper" in the newspaper - which is convenient, because for a while now, there hasn't been any "news" either.

If you love something, set it free. If you hate something, call an exterminator.

Don't hold on to things, learn to let go. Unless you're a trapeze artist, or work in a maternity ward.

I deal with problems the same way I deal cards: I pass them out to everyone sitting around me

Don't bring a knife to a gun fight. In fact, if you know there's going to be a gun fight, just don't show up at all.

They say there's no fool like an old fool, but I think all fools are pretty much the same

What does Iron Man do when he has to scratch himself?

I'm surrounded by narcissists!! Why does everything always happen to me?!

Video killed the radio star, and still Obama does nothing about it

nar•cis•sism - A psychological condition characterized by self-preoccupation, lack of empathy, and unconscious deficits in self-esteem.

Repeating funny things that other people say doesn't make you funny, just like knowing E=MC squared doesn't make you a theoretical physicist, and memorizing Bible verses doesn't make you a spiritual person

Sometimes at church I make rude noises and fly paper airplanes; I know it's a distraction, but Jesus tells us to be like little children

I still don't understand why, right after we teach children the alphabet and how to count, we teach them the sounds that animals make. What good is that doing them?

If someone was launching an expedition to find Bigfoot on a beach in Mexico, I would go

I don't believe in burning books, but if someone gave me a book that gave instructions on how to organize a book-burning, I would be really conflicted

Women always tell me I'm too needy, so I don't understand why those Salvation Army people get mad when I take money from their buckets

In space, no one can hear you say "This movie sucks"

It's kind of funny to go into a dollar store and keep asking how much everything is just to get a reaction from the people working there; it's kind of sad when your ten-year-old does the same thing and he's totally serious

I just watched a movie about the life of Christ and it occurred to me that, if I didn't already know how it ended, the resurrection would be either be a really cool plot twist, or one of those times when you go "Oh, sure!"

I've always thought that if the religion you belong to meets a place called a "compound", then you're probably in a cult.

They say that psychos start off small by pulling the wings off of flies, so that they can't fly anymore. But I think the real psychos pull their legs off, so that they can't land.

Considering where they're always landing, when you see close-up pictures of flies, why are they always cleaning themselves?

If someone tried to rob a 911 center, who would they call for help?

Pick your battles. And if someone is charging right at you with a knife, pick that one.

When you don't like stuff just because everyone else likes it, you're not really thinking for yourself

The way to win the war in Afghanistan is to train gorillas to attack the enemy with blowtorches while rollerskating, because one they see rollerskating gorillas with blowtorches, they enemy will believe we have God on our side for sure

To make competetive weightlifting more exciting, I think they should grease the floors

I'm not afraid of heights, I'm afraid of falling. And technically, the fall doesn't scare me. Landing does.

Monica thinks my neighborhood isn't tough becuase I live in the country and all my neighbors are cows, but those cows can get pretty rowdy. That's why we tip them over.

Words that are almost always funny: Cheese, monkey, skank, sandwich, underpants

When people asked me why I married her, I would tell them that back then she was really something. Now, she's something else.

I like how, when Christians fight, saying "I'll pray for you" has almost become an insult, like saying "You're an idiot", and usually followed by "Oh, you're not praying for ME!! If anyone is praying for anyone, I'm praying for YOU!!" So, everyone keep praying.

 I'm one of the good ones

My friend Marsha, because she is so awesome, had a drink named after her at Six Feet Under!! The closest I ever came was, at a dive in Shockoe Bottom in Richmond, had my name put on a bathroom stall...

What do you call more than one Bigfoot? Bigfoots? Bigfeet?

You go, girl! And keep on going!

Starting to wish there was another word I could call myself instead of "Christian"

At my church, we don't gossip, we "share prayer concerns"

I think it would be really cruel if one of the cast members of Fame died, to play that song at their funeral about how they were going to live forever

My friends are always there for me. Way over there.

My girlfriend broke up with me. She said there was no chemistry between us. There was lots of geometry and social studies, but no chemistry.

Jesus is the answer! Unless you're in math class, then the answer is usually a number.

I Can't wait to see the movie Amelia Earheart. No one better spoil the ending for me, either.

When did the word "uncompromising" get to be a compliment? Doesn't that just mean you think you know everything?

When Peter Paul and Mary were leaving on a jet plane, why is it that they didn't know when they'd be back again? Isn't that something you usually know?

Some guy at Continental figured out that if he divorced his wife he could tap into his 401K before he retired. So he got $900,000+ AND he got divorced. I wonder what his third wish was?

I think Marie was a whole lot country, and Donny was hardly any rock and roll at all

My evangelical Christian friends told me that Wicca was the work of the Devil, so just to be safe I burned all my patio furniture

Watching Disney movies, I learned to always be myself. Unless I magically switch bodies with someone, then try to be the other person until I can figure the whole thing out and switch back

They say there's someone for everyone, but even on Thanksgiving, I bet cannibals have to share

If I owned one of those huge aquariums, instead of walkways, I would put a roller coaster underneath it. Not because I think people would like it, but because I think all those people screaming would keep the fish entertained.

If I owned a Thai Restaurant in Haight-Ashbury, I would call it Thai Dai

If I owned a hot dog stand in New York City, I would set it outside the Metropolitan Museum of Art, because everyone says that artists are always starving

Why aren't the people who make Doritos and Oreos lobbying to legalize marijuana? Because their sales would skyrocket

If they ever legalize marijuana, the first thing pot growers need to do is reform the image of the street-level drug dealer, because even though people hate those guys, they're basically the entire customer service department for marijuana

EVeryone else was jumping into the water off the docks, so I felt like I should too. Pier pressure.

A grief counselor sees a guy with his fly down and says "I see you need some closure."

I wonder what's the opposite of closure

I’m twice as far as halfway there

If you have Multiple Personalities, does that mean you could say you're a "People Person"?

MOM upside down is WOW

What a day! As if I don't have enough to do just being awesome!

Mike Tyson and Evander Holyfield shook hands on The Oprah Winfrey Show Friday, Holyfield calling Tyson "A great fighter" and Tyson calling Holyfield "delicious"

Fact: 29 people died in the wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald. Fact: 29 million have contemplated suicide after listening to that song about it.

This just in: Jon Gosselin seen inflating 8 giant balloons in his yard

I'm awake now, and responding to verbal cues

I sometimes wonder if there's intelligent life in outer space, because it's obvious that there's very little here

I know that Foster's Lager is Australian for beer, but what's Australian for Hung-Over?

Jack & Jill, Humpty Dumpty, the old man who was snoring: Children's rhymes all seem to start with massive head trauma

I wonder if Glenda the Good Witch would melt if you threw water on her? Because it seems like water wouldn't hurt, but she might melt if you were really sarcastic to her.

When she found out I was eating venison, this chick asked me why am I eating Bambi. I told her it's not Bambi - It's Bambi's mom.

I love how people giving instructions think we're idiots - like when they're telling you warning signs to watch for a tornado and they say "funnel shaped clouds"....so one of the warning signs is when I can actually SEE the tornado? THAT'S when I'll know that there might POSSIBLY be a tornado nearby?

My favorite part of Dukes of Hazzard was how they weren't allowed to carry guns because they were on parole, so they shot arrows and occasionally strapped DYNAMITE to the arrows.

The doctor told me to take up jogging, but the ice kept bouncing out of my glass

Telling a drug addict to "just say no" is like telling a bipolar to "just chill out"

Fight world hunger. Have a snack.

The opposite of deja vu: The feeling that you're doing something that you will be doing again soon

Just watched a documentary about Deja Vu, and couldn't shake the feeling that I'd seen it before

This year I am going to dress up like Batman. Not for Halloween, but for the whole year.

The best things in life are marked down

If I owned an oversized manatee, I would name him O, so that when he died we would all say "O, the huge manatee!"

If people who just eat plants are called vegetarians, shouldn't cannibals be called humanitarians?

There's a new show called V, about a group who promises to solve all our problems but then tries to take over the world and destroy us all. They're aliens - Not Democrats

They used to tell me "You made your bed, now sleep in it!" But aren't you supposed to make the bed AFTER you sleep in it?

It's not easy being awesome, but somehow I manage

Sweet drreams are made of cheese

When people in the hospital talk about "pulling the plug", I don't think there's an actual plug to pull. If there is, I hope no one ever trips over it, or accidentally unplugs it when they're vacuuming

I don't know why there's so much ignorance and apathy in the world, and frankly I don't care

Why would you even have cake, if you couldn't eat it too?

I used to dream about being Charlie on a tour of the Chocolate Factory. These days, even wishing to be Grandpa Joe would be a stretch

I thought the point of the whole story "A Christmas Carol" was that Scrooge didn't want to be remembered as a total anti-Christmas jerkwad, and yet today when you say the name "Scrooge" that's exactly what everyone thinks.

If there was a ship full of mimes, insurance claims adjusters, and computer helpline operators, and it was sinking, I bet the Coast Guard would have a really hard time figuring out who to save first

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen ~Hebrews 11:1

How come on Star Wars, no one has an English accent until they get old?

Real men don't need health care

That song "Roxanne" by the Police is my favorite song about a man in love with a whore, although Kenny Rogers's "Ruby" is a close second

I think that song "More Than A Woman" by the Bee Gees would be a good theme song for Weight Watchers

Turn Your Eyes Upon Cheez Its

Maybe someday a Bigfoot will come out of the woods who WANTS to have his picture taken

If Bigfoot is real, I wonder if he believes in us

Every time I hear the song "Don't stop" I always think the same thing, "Stop!"

Befriending the friendless, loving the unloveable, defeating the feetless

Women! You can't live with 'em...pass the beernuts ~~Norm Peterson

I’m not saying anything until my lawyer gets here

What a friend we have in Cheez Its

I think the cast of "Fame" is really annoying, and hopes they don't live forever

I’m immune to kryptonite

If you were performing the song "If You Leave Me Now" by Chicago, no one would notice if you were yawning while you sang

When the Anti-Christ comes, will he swim in dirt and turn beer into water?

I want to say yes, but no

Instead of casual Friday where we wear jeans to work, we should have a day where we all come dressed like superheroes

Instead of prison, I think repeat violent offenders should be sent to the dentist

If there's ever a nuclear winter, I bet the snowmen come to life like zombies

Things I have actually heard people say: "I'm afraid your misunderstanding is wrong."

Nice ways to put things, number 19: "I really have my heart set on your shutting the hell up."

If I voted for someone and they turned out to be the Anti-Christ, I would be pissed.

I used to be afraid of heights, but now I'm afraid of the left and the right

Believe in God, because God believes in you

If my name was William Thomas Foster, everything I own would be monogrammed

If Obama was so great, he would be riding around in a van solving crimes

Slim Jims says its America's number one meat snack. As disgusting as Slim Jims are and as much as I want to refute that, I can't think of any other meat snacks.

I like that part of the Thriller video where Michael Jackson says "I'm not like other guys" and then the chick is like "Not like other guys? Really? You?"

In Russia, the Communists revolted AGAINST the czars

My therapist says I should own my own feelings. Of course, how else could I auction them off on ebay?

I'm not afraid of dying because, you know, you only live once. Plus, there's reincarnation

Hioshima and Nagasaki make a Olympic bid. Whoo hoo!! They're the bomb!!

I think it's stupid when people list warning signs for Depression and include things like "Feeling sad all the time" and "Talks about being sad all the time" and "Looks like they're sad all the time"

When people were cavemen, who took care of the cows and chickens?

My friend Dan had to go to the hospital because there was this gigantic, disgusting lump on his neck. The doctor did some tests and determined that it was just his head.

If someone was going to speak to a group of male underwear manufacturers, it would be funny if they asked him to keep it brief

My girlfriend was temporarily blinded and then broke up with me. She called and said she couldn't see me anymore.

I think there should be a group of transgendered superheroes called The Ex-Men

Most of the parties I go to have a theme from the Bible. Right before the plagues came.

If I was dating someone who was secretly a vampire, and she turned me into a vampire, I would be pissed, and probably wouldn't go out with her again. Probably.

I guess the one good thing about vampires in high school, when your parents are out of town, they can't crash your party unless you invite them in one by one

If I knew someone who got attacked by a vampire, the last place I would take them would be the emergency room

Why do kids shows always tell kids to use their imaginations? Kids don't need help with that. We need a kids show to take a tour of a mental hospital and say "This is what happens when you use your imagination TOO much!"

How come handicapped people don't get in trouble for parking in regular spaces?

I tried to watch "The Vampire Diaries" and kept thinking they were going to explain why a 1000 year old vampire goes to high school. But they never did.

They say love is blind. I say, love is blind, deaf, and dumb.....and bipolar, and dissociative, and retarded.

Have you ever noticed in the Bible how many times God chose a Shepherd, like David or Moses or Abraham, to lead His people? And the first American in space was Alan Shepherd? COINCIDENCE...OR SOMETHING MORE??

Have you ever noticed that the only people who say they like snow are people who live where it never snows?

I wanted to go to one of those Judgement Houses, but they went without me. This is what it's like to be Left Behind...

When cows have to give milk really bad, do they cross their legs?

The Roman Catholics canonize a Saint from Hawaii? What? After just eight months in office?

If there was a way to change coffee into gold, most mornings I would just drink the coffee

What they don't tell you: 4 out of 5 dentists surveyed recommend sugarless gum to their patients who chew gum - The other one recommends that they stop chewing gum

If Obama gets a Nobel, then Kathy gets Mother of The Year

I think if King Kong was taken to Los Angeles instead of New York, they would have taught him sign language and interpretive dance. Instead he wound up, like most visitors to New York, shot dead in the street.

If anyone is traveling to Copenhagen this weekend, can you pick me up a Nobel Prize? I hear they're giving them out for free now.

I think its funny that there really is a place called Yemen. That sounds like a cartoon place.

Does no one think it's weird that the side effect of anti-depressants is that they increase thoughts of suicide? Isn't that like a diet pill causing weight gain. or a pain killer causing headaches?

I've been unfriended

In an effort to show how he's "just like everyone else" Zac Efron thinks his movies are boring

I just had an idea for a movie about a serial killer who targets people over 100. He doesn't use any weapons though, he just goes home and waits.

My son told me he couldn't sleep because he was having nightmares. I said, How can you have nightmares if you're not asleep?

I think old vampires walk around with those pointy straws so they can "drink you like a juice box, bee-yotch!"

Next year's nominees for the Nobel Peace Prize: Eminem, Andy Samberg, and Barney Rubble

What would you call someone who was afraid of homogenized milk?

Since swans are so much bigger than ducks, why didn't that Ugly Duckling story end with some ducks getting the crap kicked out of them?

Apparently, I don't speak Canadian

For two monsters who hate each other, Count Chocula and Frankenberry sure do spend a lot of time together

I wonder if da Vinci was laying on his back painting the Sistine Chapel and cussing because it was such a crappy, thankless job that, in 100 years wouldn't even matter

I joined an 11 Step Group to help with my Denial. We skip that first step.

I'm sorry, I've been talking about myself so much that I feel like I haven't been giving you a chance to talk about me.

If Obama has any integrity or class, he'll turn down his Nobel Prize for Peace as undeserved, the same way I did when I won the Nobel Prize for AWESOME!!!

The woman at the McDonald's was flirting with me really bad this morning. It was so obvious the way she was trying so hard not to look at me or make eye contact or even acknowledge that I was there, she might as well have thrown herself at me.

If a theoretical physicist landed on a planet of monkey people who hunt fire-breathing blood worms for food, the monkey people would probably kill him because they didn't understand what he was talking about, and he wasn't any help to them. In a way, that's kind of what happened to Jesus.

If we don't bomb the moon, then the terrorists win

I explained Relativity, the basics of quantum mechanics, and String Theory to a 10 year old tonight.

When Anthony Carter was first drafted to the Denver Nuggets, I like to think that he ran home and yelled "Mom! Mom! I'm a Nugget! I'm a Nugget!" and then she said proudly, "I always knew that deep down there was a Nugget in you just waiting to come out!"

When I start to feel old, I like to think that if I was running for President, all of my critics would be saying how young and inexperienced I am. That makes me feel better.

R.I.P. Joey Ramone. If Punk was a Religion, you would have been the first Pope...

Which is better, Religion or Star Trek? There have been lots of wars fought over Religion, but no one's ever fought a war over Star Trek.

If a tree fell in the forest and there was no one there to hear it, how would we even know?

They say that you can drown in half an inch of water, but it seems like you would have to really try hard

If peaceful aliens came to earth to enlighten us and enrich our lives with their technology, but they were all gross and drippy like raw liver, I wouldn't shake their hands because that's disgusting. I wouldn't care if they took all their stuff and went home.

How come you never hear about mimes getting nominated for the Supreme Court, or being elected to the Senate?

If all of a sudden every recording of U2 disappeared and no one told me, it would be years before I noticed

I'm so tired of people taking Christianity out of Christmas!! This year, I'm going to tell my kids that Jesus came down the chimney, and that his sleigh is pulled by the 12 Apostles

The word "insane" is a legal term, and not a clinical term

I’m trying to be more sensitive to the needs of others

My son is so obsessed with his Game Boy that sometimes it seems like he's one minor head injury away from being a Batman villian

Does Count Chocula go around sucking the blood of all the other chocolate cereal characters, like Sonny the Cocoa Puffs bird?

Did you know that the word "Islam" means Universal, and the word "Catholic" means Universal? They just seem like different universes.

It's Quitting Time In My Heart

There is an ad on my screen saying "Meet Single Moms In Your Area" and I swear they are showing a picture of Jamie Lynn Spears, which first of all, WAY too young and too skanky for me, and second of all, I'm pretty sure she doesn't want to meet me, and third of all....Jamie Lynn Spears, Facebook? Really?

And all God's people say, "Do what?"

How would you NOT live one day at a time?

I didn't know what propositional calculus was so I looked it up on Wikipedia and read all about it. I still don't know what it is.

If I knew Bruce Wayne in real life, I think that I would probably think he was a jerk, and if I knew Batman in real life I would also think he was a jerk, but for completely different reasons. But if I knew the whole story, I would be like, oh yeah, I get it now. This is why I try not to judge people. Because for all I know, they could be crimefighters in secret.

I thought I was going to die but it turns out I only have the fever for the flavor of a Pringles

In my heart, it's Friday

I talked to an old friend last night about feelings and stuff. Turns out there are still some left in me. Kind of like that last little bit of ketchup that you can never quite get out of the foil pack.

Wouldn't it be weird if the doctors took x-rays and found a tumor that was going to kill you, but it was in the shape of a happy face?

Do people who like U2 consider themselves Pro-Bono?

On TV when the police say "Don't panic, just act naturally" I always think, what if that person is naturally panicky? Won't people think it's weird if they're calm?

I have this theory that when the nuclear war comes and civilization collapses, and there's no communications or electricity, the Amish will take over, because they already know how to live without those things.

My favorite part of that movie Star Trek was when Spock came up to Kirk and he was like "Dude" and then Kirk was all, "Dude!" and then they looked and each other and went "Duuuude..."

I can name a dozen musicians who have died in plane crashes but I can't name a single famous psychic who's died in a plane crash.

I want to write words to the Law & Order theme song but so far all I got is "This is Law and Order, da DUM, this is Law and Order..."

You can do what you want, the opportunities are...

I have had this song stuck in my head all day: "Change, changing places, root yourself to the ground, capitalize on this good fortune, one word can bring you 'round..."

The Trix Rabbit, Barney Rubble, the kids always after Lucky Charms...people are always trying to steal cereal on TV. When is Obama going to start redistributing the cereal, so that all cartoon characters are equal?

If Marie was just a LITTLE bit country, and Donny was a LITTLE bit rock and roll, what was the rest of them?

I have a great love of nature, despite everything that nature's done to me

It's too bad there are no policemen to enforce the laws of nature

I wonder if Anna Paquin gets turned on when she watches Count Chocula commercials

Today's grammar lesson, listen up: A LOT is two words, and ALL RIGHT is two words. Let's keep it straight.

I think most people would benefit from some form of therapy, but crazy people especially

If Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and Herbie the Love Bug got married, I bet they would make a lot of noise in the garage at night

In the sweet old country where I come from nobody ever works and nothing ever gets done, hang fire

If there was a support group for people on the run from the law, it could be called Pseudonymous Anonymous

The Low Self-Esteem Support Group meetings have been moved to the basement. Please park in the back.

I thought that Jodie Foster in "Silence of The Lambs" did the worst Southern accent in the history of American cinema, but today I heard Robert DeNiro in "Cape Fear"

QUESTION: What's the number one reason that alcoholics give for drinking too much? ANSWER: I really wouldn't know because I'm not an alcoholic

If there was a support group for people who don't like their names because they were named after other people, it could be called Eponymous Anonymous

Everyone tells me to think positive and always be kind, but then they say that opposites attract, so shouldn't I be dating a pessimistic b***ch??

If Willie Mayes had a farm and every spring did a corn maze for kids, he could call is May's Mayes Maize Maze

I want to start a support group for people in the Witness Protection Program and call it Anonymous Anonymous

There's a new medication for OCD. You have to take four pills a day at exactly every six hours followed 13 seconds later by precisely 8.4 ounces of water

My friend Beth says she's learning to crochet but was having trouble making straight lines. What's so hard about hitting a wooden ball with a mallet in a straight line?

Beer....Because, technically, drinking is the first step

Teaching the youth today for the first time. To quote Real Genius: I think the young people enjoy it when I "get down" verbally.

Does this surprise anyone? The Chicago Sun-Times blames Bush for them not getting the Olympics

If the show Smallville was about Lex Luthor instead of Clark Kent, the theme song would be "Somebody Shave Me"

If you can do anything you set your mind and heart and soul to, let's see you shoot lasers out of your eyes

If I ever get elected President, I would definitely make English the official language of the United States. But as a compromise, I would make it broken English, with an accent, and I would include words like "Taco" and "French Fries".

....and the number one least-sought-after job in the U.S....? Interning for David Letterman!!

I say, instead of having her testify against her abductor in court, we should give Elizabeth Smart a broomstick, a lighter, a pair of pinking shears and a gallon of gas, then leave her in a room with him for 15 minutes. Then see if he's fit to stand trial.

You know what happens when you assume? You're an idiot!

Michael Jackson was healthy up until he actually died. After that, he was dead.

What if you took medication so that you wouldn't be paranoid anymore, and it turned out that everyone really was out to get you?

After years of careful planning, after decades of trial-and-error, after centuries of making mistakes and correcting them and then developing ways to avoid them in the future, we've come up with the box. Please try not to think outside of it, or you'll just be repeating the same mistakes we made. Thank you!

If Uncle Jesse from Full House got in a fight with Chachi, I think Chachi would win. But if Uncle Jesse from Full House got in a fight with

Uncle Jesse from Dukes of Hazzard, I think the Full House Uncle Jesse would win.

I think the Riddler has the worst super-power, because having a compulsion to tell Batman what you're going to do before you do it hardly even seems like a super-power. I bet all the other super-villians wouldn't even tell him what their plans were until much later.

If I was President, I would have the Pentagon make me a suit of flying armor with lasers and rockets and stuff, and then I would be a superhero AND be the President, and I could do whatever I wanted

SOmething just occurred to me: When you buy a house, you go to a closing, but when you have a baby, you go to an opening

I know I'm different, but from now on I'm going to try to be the same.

My brother told me I was going to be a great uncle. I told him I wa already a great uncle.

Is there really such thing as a chocolate moose?

I thought I had one more day left on the black shirt, but I had to get out the iron this morning

I know a quick way to get a million dollars. Just go up to every billionaire you know, and say "Hey, where's that million dollars you owe me?" Granted, most billionaires are too smart to fall for it, but remember, it only has to work ONCE!!

If my last name was Attaway, I would always feel encouraged every time the teacher took roll in class, they would be like "Attaway, Mark!" and I would say "Thanks, teacher!"

Let a smile be your umbrella! Unless it's actually raining, then let an umbrella be your umbrella.

I tell my kids, the next time someone picks on you at school, don't fight them. Just write a strongly-worded letter, and initiate economic sanctions.

I have just been nominated for the Nobel Prize For AWESOME

I wonder what the Lord had for his Last Lunch

I’m the type of person who thinks it's annoying and pretentious when people start sentences with the words "I'm the type of person who..."

I’m disappointed that I can't spend my life riding around in a van solving crimes, and that there isn't a special bureau of the

Justice Department that investigates people who dress up like monsters to scare people away from amusement parks

I was taking bets on a guy in a leather jacket water-skiing over a shark, but I got arrested for heading up a Fonzie Scheme

Some theologiccal minds tried convincing me that the Devil was just a symbol representing mankind's sinful nature, but I know the Devil is real. I was married to her for 13 years.

I asked a fortune teller, "When I get older, will I wear boxers or briefs?" She said, "Depends"

Yahoo has a headline that says "Sarah Palin Finishes Memoir Early". By "early" they must mean "before she's actually accomplished anything worth writing about"

If people start saying that Michael Jackson isn't really dead, the same way they've been saying for years that Elvis isn't really dead, then at some point I bet Lisa Marie is going to start asking herself "Is it me?"

It amazes me that, at some point in his life, someone must have said to Joe Cocker, "Yeah, that sounds great, sing that again."

When David Gates was growing up, did he go around saying things like "Baby, I'm A-Tired, Baby, I'm A-Hungry"....?

Last night I ate at Hardee's for the first time since 1982. I think they must have been saving that hamburger for me.

Quinn told me this morning "I can't wear these socks, they're hole-y"....So I said "Then go, and wear them in peace, my son"

If I told you what happened at the ex's therapy session last night, you would think I was making it up

Merry Yom Kippur!!

In a million years, I think we'll dream in binary code and download all our dreams onto the internet

You know that stuff that you spray into the cracks of your house that gets real hard and seals up the cracks? I wonder if you could just make a whole house out of that?

All of the seats in my kids' school are cut in half, so that they can only sit down on their right sides. The teachers' said it was part of the Presidents' initiative, "No Child's LEFT BEHIND"

I saw some kids waiting outside this morning because they missed the bus. So much for "No Child Left Behind"

I just think if you guys are REALLY against dog fighting, then maybe we should be teaching dogs to get along better. I'm just sayin', if a bunch of dogs go at it, I'm not getting involved.

I like to quote the Buddha, every now and zen

You obviously have a wonderful economy with words. I look forward to your next syllable with great eagerness.

I would be more excited about Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom getting married if I knew who either of them were

To all my friends from St. Pius Class of 1984: Congratulations on your 25th reunion! As honored as I am to have been invited, however, I never actually went to St. Pius, and won't need to be reminded of any future reunions.

I don’t need a shot. Real men aren't afraid of the flu.

Dear God, Thank you for Megan Fox. Good job! Love, Mark

Obama kind of reminds me of a homeless guy - They both keep telling me how much they want change.

How many people die every year from just the regular flu?

I think it would be funny if, every time that President of Iran guy went anywhere in the U.S., people played "IRAN So Far Away"

I know my ex-wife seems bitter and crazy, but underneath all that, I believe she is really kind and gentle. And then underneath THAT, she's bitter and crazy.

For people who hurt kids, I almost wish there was a way to execute them, and then bring them back, and then execute them again

Stupidest thing said to me this week: "I wish I wasn't an alcoholic, so I could just stay drunk all the time."

Victoria's Secret is having a model search!! I'm going to see if they need anyone to help oil them down!

Someone asked me "If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?" and I said "I would be that one that fell down in the forest when there was no one there to hear it."

There are plenty of fish in the kitchen

Is it just me or is it like ONE THOUSAND degrees in here??

I know liberals hate Ann Coulter, but even most of my conservative friends can't stand her either. So at least she's bringing people together.

Dear McKenzie Phillips, Please get off my TV and never talk again, Love, America

I once dated a Calculus professor who wanted me to rate our relationship on a scale of 1 to 100. I told her it was an imaginary number.

I have been playing Farmville too long. Tonight I drove past my neighbor's garden and saw a bush with yellow flowers on it, and wated to click on it to HARVEST

My President has a first name, it's B-A-R-A-K, My President has a second name it's O-B-A-M-A, Oh I love to hear him every day, So if you ask me why, I'll say, Barak Obama has a way with Propo-G-A-N-D-A

They're making a movie about Barbie now? If only there were some actress in Hollywood who looked like Barbie!

I don’t ever want to hear anymore childhood stories from Mackenzie Phillips

If I could have any super-power, it would be to always win at Rock-Paper-Scissors

I love my new phone!!! Now I just have to make some new friends so I'll have someone to talk to on it! If only I wasn't so bitter and anti-social!

One of the Jonas Brothers is getting married. I bet Chuck E. Cheese is gearing up for one HECKUVA bachelor party!

I just thought of the perfect name for my biography, when someone gets around to writing it: "Contact High"

I got a new cell phone. It was free. My life is now complete.

A recently divorced friend was telling me about the one "Epic Love" of her life. I wonder if that's anything like my "Epic Inability To Form Emotional Attachments"

One of the Jonas Brothers is getting married. For fans who want to contgratulate them, the bride is registered at Toys 'R' Us

Last night I dreamed that psychic powers weren't real

it was great i really liked the bonus features

What did the invisible woman say to the invisible man when she was breaking up with him? "I'm sorry, but we can't see each other anymore"

When I was in high school, my girlfriend said she couldn't see me anymore. That was the day I turned invisible.

What would MacGuyver do?

If I was homeschooling my kids, we'd spend at least half a semester on Led Zeppelin and NOTHING ELSE!!

Santa Claus wears red, redistributes the wealth, and controls the means of production. Commie!

Everytime I hear someone on the news talk about McChrystal, I think it's a fast food commercial

For the first time in almost 25 years, I just heard someone used the word "janking"

Why did the Beatles cross the road?

As bad as it was here, I just heard that the storms were pretty bad in Alabama. They did something like $200 million in improvement

I want to wake up, in the city that oversleeps! And find I'm king of the hill, top of the heap!

You know what would suck? If you were in a burning building with no way out and a helicopter came to lift you away to safety, but the helicopter was being flown by a rabid, hungry bear. I would probably take my chances with the bear, but it would definitely suck.

There's a new poll that says Americans are more rude and less civilized. If you ask me that's a freakin' load of crap!!

You know that old Irish saying about the road rising to meet you? I think that's because it's Irish, and the guy was drunk, and kept falling on his face

Six Flags Under Water

If any of you want to steal my identity, you can have it

What if you got amnesia and then you died, how could your life flash before your eyes?

Don't be afraid, I won't hurt you. Unless you're stung by rejection.

Atlanta is the City That Oversleeps

It amazes me how easily some people lie. And of course, I don't mean me, because I never do that.

I’m feeling a little under the water today

When is Obama going to do something about this rain??

I don’t think I would like being my own boss, because if I didn't like the job I was doing, I would have to fire me, and who wants to have THAT conversation?

I think it's funny when meeting someone named Duncan to say, "Pleased to meet you, I really like your doughnuts"

I think if Oz went to war with Narnia, Narnia would win hands-down

The doctor says if I don't change my lifestyle, I will be dead by the time I'm 104

I was supposed to go to another leadership conference, but I got lost

Everyday is a new challenge to see how awesome I can be

Until they start putting live news feed in men's room stalls, I don't think internet news will ever completely replace newspaper

Rude is the new polite

I’m glad I don't have Jessie's Girl

I wonder what, if anything, Iron Man wears underneath his armor? And how does he keep from baking in an iron suit in the middle of the desert?

Is it just me, or shouldn't a band called "Barenaked Ladies" have at least one naked lady in it?

Is it just coincidence that the British, who drive on the other side of the road than we do, also have their steering wheels on the other side of the car than us?

If Dr. Seuss had ever opened a restaurant, he would have to find a really good Seuss Chef

I wonder if Ice-Man in the X-Men ever gets brain freeze? If he does, I bet he gets it really bad.

That part where he says "We've had it with your discipline" I thought he was saying "We've had it with your Death Star Plans"

Miley Cyrus Tour Bus Crashes, Driver Dead. Miley Cyrus is ok, but police report that Hannah Montana is nowhere to be found

Went to an ice-skating rink yesterday, took my son, my neice and her friend Sarah, got to visit with Danny and Ann, went to church today, got some things at Wal-Mart that we need at the house (detergent and stuff to clean the bathrooms with, a new windshield wiper and a cell phone charger) and now tonight me and the boys are having dinner with Chris and Shannon from church. Is this how normal people post on Facebook?

For a sequel to her book "Going Rogue", I think Sarah Palin's next book should be "Going Wolverine" or "Going Magneto"

I would rather see a movie about Klingons than vampires

Love can exert the same stress on your body as deep fear. You see the same physiological responses — pupil dilation, sweaty palms, and increased heart rate.This status contains special characters. It won't display properly in the collage.

Where do you turn for help when your addiction to advice columns is ruining your life?

I think its ironic that the people who try to control their spouses and children are too often the ones who can't control themselves

If Tarzan joined the Beatles, then the song "I Me Mine" would be called "Tarzan Tarzan Tarzan's"

In Candyland, I bet they have a whole series of instructional books called "For Gummies"..."Construction For Gummies", "Religion For Gummies"...

If you seek God, God will reveal Himself to you, and if you seek Truth, the Truth will be made known. If you want to be right, or if you seek to change other people's minds about anything, then you'll only find conflict and discord.

Is there an instructional book for people who make mannequins called Dummies For Dummies?

I am thankful for the voices in my head. They told me to say that.

The only reason I dance to my own drummer is that no one else can hear him

This morning I made a vow not to belittle anyone or place blame, and then some jerk ruined it for me

They say that every time God closes a door, He opens a window. But that's not a legal defense if you're charged with burglary.

I'm the kind of guy who will just cut through the BS every time and just tell it to you straight. I mean, if that's ok with you.

Going to the beach

Yesterday, someone told me I was too serious

I think everyone could benefit from some form of therapy, but especially crazy people

I’m thankful for bad examples

If someone throws driveway sealant at the police, could they be charged with asphalting an officer?

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Cuba called Cubes?

Happy Eid al-Adha to my Muslim friends

I know there are probably lots of ways to skin a cat, but why would anyone want to?

Why don't vampires bite people on the upper arm or chest where the major arteries are?

They say that arguing is the easiest thing in the world, but I disagree

Saved $168.79 on clothes today

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Brazil called Bras?

Let's all remember that Thanksgiving was established after hundreds had been lost to disease and bitter cold; that the Pilgrims gave thanks not for lives of ease and luxury, but for the opportunities to work and work hard; and that we enjoy liberties unheard of in their day. Thank God in all your circumstances!!

Everything's nice in Niceville

Blood is thicker than water. But not thicker than gravy.

The Bible says that we should be like little children, but still, stop picking your nose

They say it's what's inside that's important, but still, get that thing on your face checked out

Isn't being thankful for Thanksgiving redundant?

The first decade of the new millenium is almost over and I still don't know what to call it

I trust the Democrats to stay out of our bedrooms and I trust the Republicans to stay out of our bank accounts, but I don't trust either of them to do both

I’m liking the wind and the beach and wondering why I shouldn't just move down here - mentioned it to Jorge and he said "I might want to move here, if it was summertime and not Thanksgiving." Still trying to figure that one out.

Going out to eat at TGI O'Chili's

I actually went and saw "New Moon" last night. I thought the Werewolves were cool with their shirtless cliff-diving and eating huge muffins, and can't believe Bella chose the sniffy, preening anal-retentive Vampires - But then, I also wonder what any of them saw in her, all moody and mopey and hallucinating and panicky. I was waiting for someone to tell her "Get over it!"

I want to live on the beach. Not in a house on the beach, but on the actual beach, in a lean-to with a laptop and a sleeping bag.

Blood is thicker than water. But you remember that slime stuff we used to play with when we were kids? It's not thicker than that. And it's not thicker than motor oil. Or pudding.

In Niceville, there is a beauty parlor on the bay that shares a building with a bait shop. How convenient.

If Count Chocula starred in a daytime drama, would we call it a Breakfast Serial?

If there was an accounting firm that kept records for candy bar companies, would they have a Heath Ledger?

Remember that time I put Baby in the corner?

In the months and years that I have studied and practiced, I've come to the conclusion that all of the Buddha's teachings can be summed up in one phrase: "Just chill out."

Regarding things unseen, you have to choose to believe, or not believe. But there will be times when Not Believing takes as more faith.

Why do we have to have labels on everything? I'm against labeling things. Except canned goods.

I think a good alias for a woman who is secretly a serial killer would be Miss Ann Thrope

I wouldn't say that I'm Anti-Social, although some days it seems like society is Anti-Mark

You can't put a price tag on the love of a good woman. That's mostly been my problem.

Enough with the sick kids already

When the Revolution comes, I hope I'm not in the bathroom

When you die and go to Heaven and they hand you a menu, it may be that whatever you order they'll just keep serving you forever. So be careful, and ask if there's a buffett. That way, you don't wind up eating the meatloaf forever.

At Clown College, I bet they teach whole courses about how to deal with the fact that most people will hate you

If my name was Joshua, I wouldn't want people calling me Josh. I think it would be much cooler being called "Ua"

When I die I want to buried at sea, inside a giant rubber octopus. Because when someone hauls that sucker up and cuts it open and finds me inside, it'll be like my one last joke

I'm not afraid of dogs, but I am afraid of their mouths. Because a mean dog will bite you, and a nice dog will slobber on you.

Money can't buy love, even on Craigslist

Children are a gift from God, but don't make the mistake of thinking you can exchange them for store credit

If my life was a TV show I would change the channel

Politics aside, there's really only one way to save the American auto industry, and it's not with gimmicks or economic sleight-of-hand. It's by putting Americans back to work developing solid, American cars that unfold into giant robots and fight each other.

If I had just one wish during this magical holiday season of giving, it would be for absolute power over every living being in the entire universe

If my last name was Orr, I would marry a girl named Anne Button, and she would be Anne Button-Orr, and then at the wedding reception our first dance would be that Conjunction Junction song that goes "I've got Anne Button-Orr, and she'll get you pretty far!"

You know that song "Love Can Build A Bridge"? I wonder if that's not just a nice way of saying "Get Over It"

What's the plural of Doofus? Doofii?

If we ever get to the point where we can control the weather, it's just going to be one more thing to fight over

I don’t like that Santa only has lists for "Naughty" and "Nice" - My idea is for a Naughtiness Index that rates children based on obedience and overall performance year-round, so that they have some motivation to better themselves, with ratings going from "Badass Hellraiser" to "Total Butt-Kissing Wussy"

What do you call Carrie before she puts her jeans on? Carrie Pre-Jeans

YOu know you've married someone too young for you when your wedding album is a pop-up book

I know a great way to figure out what to be when you grow up. First, grow up.

I just saw an ad for overnightmatch.com and I thought it said overWEIGHTmatch.com

WHy is it that we always say "Money doesn't buy happiness" but then when a rich person complains, we say "What are you complaining about? You're rich."

The real test to see how popular any healthcare reform measures are is, how do hypochondriacs feel about it?

It takes a village to raise an idiot

Every so often I take a good long look at myself, and that's when I realize that I have to change. My pants.

I understand that non-Christians don't celebrate Christmas, and that Christians don't like the generic "Happy Holidays" so let's compromise: Happy Christdays

Thursdays are worse than Mondays, because by the time its Thursday I am SO ready for Friday

The worst lies are the ones we tell ourselves. The next worse are the ones we tell the police.

I want to be an X-ray technician, because everyone tells me that it's what's on the inside that counts

If there was a group like the Girl Scouts in Oz to train young witches, I bet they never raised money with a car wash

They say that a clown will do anything for a laugh, but I have yet to see one set himself on fire

We can't all be awesome, but if you try to just Not Be A Total Ass, that would be a good start

I think I would be really pissed if my wife had to give birth in a barn surrounded by animals, and some kid came by playing a DRUM of all things.

Where exactly is the top of the morning, and how do I get there?

Whoever said that lightning doesn't strike the same place twice doesn't know much about lightning

I want to start an Insurance Group for all my friends who are uninsured, and call it Friends With Benefits

Apparently, passengers are having a hard time accepting that their ferry overturned in Egypt yesterday, as dozens are still in De Nile

If I was a Communist I would make a movie called Red Christmas, and show it every year on TV until everyone believed in Communism, and then I would ban Christmas forever

I wonder if anyone ever ended a toast to Prince Charles and Princess Diana by saying "Drink Up, Chuck And Di!"

I was just watching a show about wedding day practical jokes, and it reminded me of the really cruel joke that my ex played on me the day we got married. She said "I do".

If you go to church to light a candle for a single parent, it seems like it should be a special candle that you could light at both ends

Some scientists believe that monkeys can be trained to live and work on the level of an average teenager. Many parents of teenagers think this is probably not much of a stretch.

I wonder if Santa ever complains about the loud Christmas parties that Superman throws for the Justice League at his Fortress of Solitude every year

I’m ranked well in the normal range for people like me

All men are called, but few are left voicemails

I’m tired of extremists on the left AND the right! Anyone with any radical opinions should be rounded up and put in camps! Down with radicals! Viva Moderacion!

Rule of the Day For Monday: Never be Redundant, Never Repeat Yourself, and Never, Never, NEVER Say The Same Things Over and Over and Over

If a horse gets sick, do doctors say they're in stable condition?

If Michelle Pfeifer or Halle Berry get sick, would the doctors automatically order a CAT scan?

From Karen: "Update on Jeremy.CT scan showed no signs of brain waves or improvement.His little brain has begun to swell. In addition of prayers for Jeremy, please pray for Seth and Emily.Mike had spoken with Seth(12 yrs) a couple of days ago but not Emily( 6yrs). As of tonight they both know of Jeremy's situatio...n.We can not express how much we appreciate everyone's continued support, love, and prayers."

Nothing is funny today

If all the world leaders sat down together and had pudding, I believe wars could be averted. Because people will fight wars over territory, religion, and resources, but no one fights over pudding.

I think the easiest job to have on Star Trek would be a Klingon advice columnist, because no matter what your problem is, in Klingon, the solution is a death match with sharp weapons

If there were Nobel Prizes For AWESOME!! I would nominate Jesus, Spider-Man, Natalie Portman, and whoever cancelled Rosie O'Donnell's talk show

I think the song "Three Times A Lady" would be a good theme song for Weight Watchers

I was reading a thing about Tiger Woods when it occurred to me that I couldn't think of a single subject in all of the universe that interested me less than how many women he's cheated with

Scientists say 2009 will be the fifth-warmest year ever recorded and before you ask, no you can't see the thermometer and they accidentally threw out the envelope they used to write down all the data

Maybe when we're all older we'll be able to say to our kids, "You think THIS is global warming? When I was a kid, THAT was global warming!"

Maybe when I'm older I can say to my grandchildren, "You think THIS is an apocalypse? I remember back in 2012, THAT was an apocalypse!"

Today is my half birthday, and the birthday of two of my awesome friends

Why don't mummies just take the bandages off when they wake up?

I cried because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. Then I just took his shoes, because he didn't need them.

The sun always shines in Controlville, because I say so.

If we were really committed to ending world hunger, it seems like we would all be voting for Mayor McCheese

I loved this hamburger I had at Fuddruckers today. And before you ask, yes, I would have married it, if I hadn't eaten it

It occurred to me today that terrorists who try to blow up airplanes shouldn't be sent to prison, they should be forced to stay in the Atlanta Airport

She asked me if I loved her unconditionally. I said of course, since I started shaving my head, I don't even use conditioner. DUH!

I really miss my ex wife every year around Christmas time, but every year my aim gets a little better

There is no month, day of the week, or U.S. State that starts with "B", and there should be. Also, there are too many states that start with "M". Just my opinion.

I say we should call this decade the Naughties, and the next decade should be called the Teenies.

Even though I've gone to church my whole life, some things church people do still freak me out. Like when they're talking about kids and they use the word "Tender". That's creepy.

I'm not a perfectionist, but if I was, I don't think I would be very good at it.

If you put love and light and forgiveness out into the universe, these things will come back to you in kind; If you put hatred and negativity out into the universe, you're an asswad and you SUCK! Jerk!

I want to start a business where, instead of flowers or balloons, people can send each other anvils. Because I think that would be funny, like in the cartoons.

When Good versus Evil, Good wins. When Good versus Indifference, Indifference usually wins.

I want my daughters to grow up strong, proud, independent, win beauty pageants, run for Governor, run for Vice President, lose that election, resign as Governor, go on a book tour and appear in skits on late night TV. Proud to be an American!

If Patricia Arquette gains weight, will they change the name of her show to Large Medium?

If Amish people don't use electricity because they're against technology, why are they allowed to use hammers and wheels? And if they can use a razor to shave their mustache, why can't they just shave their beards?

If a midget psychic escaped from prison, the headine would say Small Medium At Large

If you see someone commit a crime but it's not really all that important, would that make you an Immaterial Witness?

A friend of mine asked me about a blind date, and I thought that was a new character on Veggie Tales

If I take a robot out to dinner, is that computer dating?

If a conservative is someone who wants to keep things the way that they are, shouldn't they be called preservatives?

I watched an inspirational movie this weekend called "The Gift" and I thought it was ironic that it was immediately followed by a movie called "The Return"

Chappy Chanukkah

If Congresswoman Carolyn Kilpatrick (D - MI) drafted a resolution to shut down J. Patrick's Irish Pub, then the headline would say "Kilpatrick Kills Patrick's"

You know that jewelery commercial that says "EVery kiss begins with Kay"? Speaking as an unmarried guy with no money, I pray to God that that's not true.

I'm not afraid of commitment, unless it's to a mental institution. And now that I say that, I wonder if that's what people mean when they talk about "The Institution of Marriage"

If I was a superhero and my superhero name started with an "S", I would be really pissed at Superman, because anyone else who uses that letter looks like they're copying him

YOu never hear about people quitting gambling because they win too much

If you criticize the way I put bookcases together, it'll damage my shelf esteem

If John Hurt opened up an amusement park with rides and attractions based on his work, he could call it "The World Of Hurt"

If my last name was Ching, I would name my kid Cha, and I would move to Las Vegas

As annoying as it is to have to press "1" for English, I'm going to save my outrage for the day when I have to start pressing "2" for English

I accidentally called AA to come tow my car. They said they would come get me, but I had to admit that I had a problem, and make amends to everyone I'd ever cut off in traffic.

The ex sent Christmas presents for the boys, to remind them that she's still their mom, and still won't answer the phone when they call. What's that psychological term for a parent who says "Come here, go away"...? Like, she wants them to know that she's there, and then remind them that she doesn't want them?

Eternity is not a place you go after you die to be punished or rewarded; Eternity is not mystical or faraway, neither is it hypothetical or hard to understand; Eternity is today, your attitude, the things that are important to you and how you treat the people closest to you. You choose your own Eternity, not at the moment of death or at some faraway throne of judgement, but right now, and everyday. Choose wisely.

Whenever I got the wrong answers in Calculus, I would say they're imaginary numbers. And when the teacher would say that the answers were still wrong, I would say they were imaginary answers.

In the next Twilight movie, does Bella go to Egypt and fall in love with a mummy?

On those Twilight movies, I wonder if Bella gets excited when she watches all the monsters on Sesame Street? "That Cookie Monster is HOT!"

If success isn't measured in material things, then I win

If you hang up a stocking for the dog, shouldn't it be shaped like a paw?

Why does everyone say that Christmas isn't about material things, but then everyone collects toys for poor kids so that "they can have Christmas too"...?

If I bake a giant petit four, would it be a petit eight?

If I was Tom Petty, my fourth album would have been called Petty IV

Among the basic tenets of the Buddha's Four Noble Truths is the notion that people, in their ignorance and attachment to material things, cause their own suffering. This is in line with my own belief that people cause all of my suffering as well.

Faith is not an empirical matter. That's why it's called faith, and not proof: To a person of faith, lack of empirical data makes God more than what can be seen or measured, and not less.

Some mornings, it seems like my kids really help keep me grounded. Like ice on the wings of an airplane.

Things Not To Say To Your Wife: "If you're looking for clothes that don't make you look fat, you're asking too much of your clothes."

Ready for Christmas

Why is it that teenagers always drive too fast and old people always drive too slow? Statistically, it should be the other way around.

The Georgia House GOP caucus this morning is voting for our next Speaker. Or should I say, "The GOP Caucasians"

Truth is universal. Is there a love that is unique to the Christian, a compassion known only by the Buddhist, a kindness that Muslims keep to themselves? Just as the sun brings warmth to all, and the rain falls on the just and the unjust, let compassion, kindness and love be what they are, without judgment or reservation.

All you need is love. And food, water, clothing, shelter, and oxygen.

I think I've finally figured out what my problem is

If a cockaTOO ate a petit FOUR, how many would be left?

ME!!! ME!!! ME!!!

Proud of my humility!! No one is more humble than me!!

I guess there's nothing left to do but panic

I can't find the part of the Bible where it says Christians have to fight for their rights

I hear the Call of the Wild but I let it go to voicemail

Eat all you want, and keep the mass in Christmas

Just because I laugh at you, doesn't mean you're funny

Keep the X in Xmas

I know love is blind, because it keeps running into me and knocking me over

If there was a school to teach migrant workers to pick oranges, it could be called the Navel Academy

Faith is a journey, not a destination

When people hear how I used a kite for my fiendish revenge, I'll be the most famous kite-related person in history! ~~Kite Man, in "Batman: The Brave & The Bold" Episode 28

I hope Santa doesn't come to my house because I've been bad

Faith is not a flower to be plucked, but a mountain to be climbed. Wherever you are in your walk with God, He is calling you further on, to a deeper and stronger faith than what you have.

I know that love is blind, because I just got hit in the head with its cane

I actually laughed at the opening monolouge of SNL for the first time in at least a decade..."Havensville, Kansas, WHAT'S UP?"

Angels we have heard on high sweetly singing over the plains... Glo-ori-a in eggshell seats Day-O

My imaginary friend moved away and didn't leave a forwarding address. I miss him.

According to the Homestead Protection Laws in 36 states, it's legal to shoot anyone coming down your chimney

A whole nother week of this? Christmas should be over by now!

Having my first night alone in many many months

My favorite Christmas movie is the original "Die Hard"

When you give, give from your heart, and let that become part of who you are. Don't worry where the gift is going, or if the receiver is properly grateful: Let that be part of who they are. Giving with conditions or expectations isn't even giving; it's an exchange.

If someone gets murdered with a belt or a purse. is that an accessory to murder?

Why do Swiss Army knives always come so well-equipped, when the Swiss are always neutral?

Why are porcupines so cautious when entering romantic relationships? Because they're afraid of getting hurt.

Nevermind

If there was such a thing as a cash cow, I bet it would hurt to get change from it

Why do we ask forgiveness for our actions, but not our unbelief? Why do we ask God to change our circumstances, but not our hearts? Why do we beg for deliverance, and not contentment?

If you were on an airplane, and the captain had to validate your ticket, he would be the Punches Pilot

If you take the Christ out of Christmas, you're left with mas, and that's Spanish for "more". Try not to freak out while you think about that.

Keep the "Tmas" is Christmas, or you just have some guy named Chris

Whenever anyone tells me that they "couldn't be happier" I always think, I bet you'd be happier if you lived in Candyland, because it seems like everyone would be happier in Candyland

Eat free range chicken, because all of God's creatures should be treated with dignity and respect, right up until you cut their heads off

I just heard a country song called "Live Like You Were Dying" about how you should treasure every moment, which is a good message, except some people do live like they're dying, and we call those people hypochondriacs, so I think to be accurate he should call it "Live Like You Were Dying (Of Something That Didn't Require Constant Medical Attention)"

I want to say yes, but no

Saying all Muslims are terrorists is like saying all Christians are Branch Davidians

If misery loves company so much, why doesn't it keep the house clean?

If there really is a War on Christmas, I consider myself a POW

A bad Law and Order is better than a good CSI

I believe in God but sometimes I don't believe in people

I don't want to eat like George Foreman, I certainly don't want to look like George Foreman, so why do I buy a George Foreman grill? Is it going to help me punch like George Foreman?

There may be only a 1% chance that you'll succeed if you try, but there's 100% chance that you'll fail if you don't

Someone told me, "The things that you think about are just like the things that I think about....when I'm on drugs..."

I kind of get the gold and the myrrh, but why did the wise men bring Frankenstein to see the baby Jesus?

It's December 23 everyone - Happy Festivus!

If Santa has a magic train that goes all the way to the South Pole, I bet he calls it the Bipolar Express

It hurts when people disappoint you, but not as much as when they punch you really hard

Squeeze The Day!

It's not true that they don't celebrate Christmas in Red China, it's just that they say "Mao-ee Christmas"

You need to put the past behind you, because really there's no other place to put it

Brown John Version, Mother and Child

My favorite day of the year is almost here! The day after Christmas!

A candle does not diminish itself by lighting another candle. Rather, its light and warmth are increased.

Whenever I travel, I take my own blankets with me, so that I have all the comforters of home

Have a safe and happy holiday in the generic religious or atheistic or undecided tradition of your choosing, and may Baby Jesus or Voodoo Man or Self-Awareness bless you with whatever joy or enlightenment or logic devoid of emotion that is appropriate to said tradition, from me and my children to you and whichever spouse or life partner or autonomous collective that you choose, as is your Constitutional right

If I hear a crime being committed, am I an earwitness?

There are things you know to be true, which your physical senses don't observe. Which then do you trust, the internal or the external? That which you know yourself, or that which you can prove to others? And is it more logical or intelligent to trust one over the other?

I’m in a relationship with THIS PLATE OF BROWNIES

When I think of all the time I've wasted wondering what might have been, I get so depressed!

They say when you're speaking in public, it helps to imagine everyone in their underwear. I picture people in their underwear anyway, even if I'm not public speaking. And they're right - it does help.

Sometimes all you can ask for is one good day.

I hate it when there's not enough stuff to complain about

There's no time like the present. Except the future is kind of like the present, just that it's not here yet. When it gets here, it'll be just like the present.

They say I should make today count, but I'm ready for a do-over

There's so much about me you don't know

I’m thinking about adding an exclamation point to my name, so that I won't be Mark anymore, I'll be Mark! Most people say it that way anyway

You know how sometimes you see these dumpy, loser, bald guys with really hot, successful, not-crazy women? Where do I meet women like that?

There's plenty of fish in the freezer

It's really what's on the inside that counts, except for dermatologists

I just thought of the worst song to play at a wedding: "Boy, you're gonna carry that weight a long time"

I hate it when people start off conversations saying "Here's the thing" and then there's never a thing

If I say "Happy New Year" am I wishing you a Happy New Year's DAY or am I wishing you a whole year? Because wishing someone a whole year is a lot of pressure, and frankly I don't know if I want that responsibility. Plus, it's using up all of my wish-granting powers at the beginning of the year. So if I say it to you, it's just for the day. Happy New Year!

When you die and go to Heaven, before you enter the pearly gates there's a hospitality angel that goes down the line and gives out little gift bags, and in those gift bags are little individually-wrapped candies called "Command-Mints" and "Testa-Mints"

If I owned a chicken wing restaurant, I would open a chapel in the back and call it Wings and A Prayer

To me, success is not about having everything I want. It's about having everything everyone else wants so that they can't have it.

I promise to make 2010 my most sarcastic year ever!

I know that all my dreams are going to come true in 2010! Except that one dream where I'm walking around in public and realize that I'm naked.

When someone dies and you're not quite ready to let go of them, a simple way to feel closer to them is to wear 3-D glasses to the viewing, so that it looks like they're coming right at you

When I go in to Fuddruckers and they take my order and ask me what my name is, I always tell them "Good Looking" so when my food is ready, the person at the counter has to announce to everyone in the restaurant "Hey Good Looking, your food is ready!"

What if I take one of those huge toy promotional buttons from Staples, and when I die you can put it inside my jacket, so that when they close the casket you hear "That was easy!" really loud....?

If there was a Christian group that went to other countries to fix the manual clutches on people's cars, they would be called Transmission Missions

When I die I want someone to leave my cellphone in my pocket and turn it up all the way, and then during the viewing someone call my number and everyone will hear my voice going "Hi, this is Mark..."

I went to the doctor and tested positive for AWESOME!!!

If you're talking to someone and they hear half of what you say, draw an erroneous conclusion, get offended based on that conclusion, cut off the conversation, and then blame you for the conflict, what are the odds that you're talking to a woman?

Going to a meeting about missions. The church kind, not the James Bond kind.

The problem is, women want men who will stand up and fight for them, and men don't want to get up off the couch

Sick kid - The doctor has prescribed 20 cc's of AWESOME!!

I’m home with a sick kid

I'm not afraid of commitment, I just haven't met the right Hooters waitress yet

Sorry, there's no pause button on my AWESOME!!!

J.D. Salinger is dead, if you really want to know the g*&amn truth

People tell me to cheer up, think of all the people who are so much worse off than you are! Why is that supposed to cheer me up?

It takes a lot of guts to be a Medical Examiner

Of all the major world religions, I think the Buddhists burn the most stuff

I don't have to make you wrong just so that I can be right. But you're usually wrong anyway.

I think it's wrong to always go around thinking "Me me me me" unless you're married to someone whose name is Meme, then it's probably ok

My mind is always thinking stuff

What did the cop say when he arrested the person making bed-skirts? FRIEZE!!

If I was Barry Manilow, I wouldn't charge people to come to my concerts, but I would charge them to leave. Because I think more people would want to leave a Barry Manilow concert than go to one.

If I ever had to debate a President, I would just stand up there and repeat everything that the President said, but in cartoon voices, so that the President would lose his temper and look SO BAD!!! And I win!!!

If the Jolly Green Giant ever ran for office, he would have to run a grassroots campaign

Trivia for today: people think that S'mores got their name from people asking for SOME MORE, but they were really named after a famous anti-war slogan that gained popularity at 60's summer camps, where campers would chant "War Smore"

My grandfather used to say "If you're not part of the solution, you're probably not the soluble component in a homogenous combination of two or more chemical compounds"

If your ears are burning, that means that someone is talking about you. Probably trying to warn you that your head is on fire.

Little things say a lot. Especially little things with big mouths.

More and more it seems like, electing Republicans because you don't like the Democrats is like swallowing the spider to catch the fly

f you tell a woman that you think her sister is beautiful, she'll get all upset and wonder what's wrong with herself. Unless it's her identical twin sister, then she'll wonder what's wrong with you.

I hated riding my exercise bike every day so I took a sledgehammer to it. Is this what they mean by "breaking the cycle of abuse"?

I'm not the one pointing fingers, you are

At this point I'm going to have to invoke my Constitutional Right to Remain AWESOME!!!

She cried when I broke up with her because she said I'm the only one who really gets her. I told her the problem was, lots of guys seemed to be getting her.

My wife never wanted me to go to Hooters, because she was offended that the waitresses were half-naked. But I think she was being pessimistic - I was offended that the waitresses were half-clothed.

Fool me once, shame on you; Fool me twice, that's admissible in court as an exception to the Rules of Prejudice as establishing a pattern of criminal behavior

Half the people you see every day are below average

Daniel 3:16-18 Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego replied to the king, "O Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O king. But even if he does not, we want you t...o know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up."

If Elton John ever lost all his money and had to take a job in an ironworks, I bet all the other steelworkers would laugh at him and call him Smeltin' John

I tried to get the spyware off my computer but it knows kung fu

My son told me "I think people should wait til they're married before they have premarital sex." I'm not sure, but I think I agree with him.

You're still saying Really? Really?

If there's spyware on my computer, I bet it's bored

I use my powers for good and not evil

Jason Bourne kicks Jack Bauer's ass every time

It's 7:30 and I'm going to bed

All you who think I'm so afraid of commitment, I have news for you: Two or three years ago, there was this one chick that I actually added to my speed-dial. So, take THAT!

Poop

Live your life full of love for all mankind, and happiness will be yours. Don't let any of these freakin' jerkwads tell you different.

I cried because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. Because I took his shoes, because he didnt need them, because, you know, no feet.

Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day, teach a man to fish and you'll never see him again because he'll be out fishing all the time

Here's a good Willy Wonka drinking game: When they're in the factory, take a shot every time you see a Health Code Violation

Make today an exceptional day! Unless every day is a good day for you, in which case an exceptional one would be bad.

If the Doobie Brothers got together today, would they be called the Crack Pipe Brothers?

If I owned a bakery, all of my pans would be square, and I would call it Pie Squared

You want the Awesome? You can't handle the AWESOME!!

Is is horribly cynical to note the similarities between marriage and Syndrome? Was that wrong? Should I not have said that?

If someone is a Pastor at a Millennial Church, and also helps people to relocate, is he a Mover AND a Shaker?

If someone is only attracted to homeless people, would they be considered a hobosexual?

Can I get that with extra AWESOME?!?!

I’m not a licensed medical practicioner. This post is in no way intended to serve as a valid diagnosis. If you are experiencing symptoms, please, consult a physician.

If a pastor in the Millennial Church reads from the Book of Psalms, is he a Psalt Shaker?

I just want to meet someone real. My last three girlfriends were imaginary.

They say you should live like you're dying. I know people like that. They're hypochondriacs.

The kids school was having an Open House - does that mean its for sale?

I think the movie The Hangover has probably done more to promote Vegas tourism than anything since Elvis

I find your tenuous grasp of the ENglish language folksy and charming

If you call up a pirate and ask him to see his treasure chest, would that be considered a booty call?

There's three kinds of people in the world: Those who can count really good, and those who can't

Live each day like it was your last, except not all hooked up to machines in the hospital

I wonder if they'll ever make a movie called "Willy Wonka and the Health Inspector"

If Canada had won the War of 1812, we'd be called the U.S., eh?

Live every moment. Because the first one that you miss, well, that's pretty much it. You're dead.

Live today like it was your last, except don't do that assisted suicide thing because it really isn't

My dream is to create a kitchen device that quickly and easily creates a clear soup made from richly flavored bouillon that has been clarified through a fining process involving egg protein. And I'll call this device the Consomm-Mate

When they start cracking down on illegal immigrants, who's going to tell Superman he's got to go?

Why am I supposed to be happy about having more than a homeless dude, but I'm not allowed to be pissed that I have less than a millionaire?

I had a conversation with a little girl at the grocery store last night and mentioned that I felt old and she said age is just a number and I said so is IQ, and then I felt bad because I wasn't trying to be insulting I was just trying to point out that numbers mean something, but I think I hurt her feelings, and I felt b...ad. But today I'm over it and I just think it's funny.

I invoke my Constitutional right to Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of AWESOME!!

When people who know martial arts brag that they could kill with their bare hands, it's fun to remind them that it would be easy to kill with bear hands, because bears have those sharp claws

Hold on tight to your dreams! But not so hard on your toothpaste, because it'll squirt all over the place.

Women always tell me I'm too clingy, but I'm pretty sure that's only because I always have socks stuck all over my clothes

I think a good horror movie would be about a couch that unfolded and swallowed people whole

When I was hungry you gave me to eat, when I was thirsty you gave me to drink, when I was naked you pointed and laughed

A man who defends himself in court has a fool for a lawyer. And also, a client.

Am I the only one who thinks that Jack Bauer should know kung fu?

Once I prayed to the wrong Patron Saint by mistake, and I got a kidney transplant I didn't need

I want to make the world better for my children, but not for my children's children, because I don't think children should be having children

Write this down people!!! It's DEFINITELY, not DEFINATELY!!

Life is hard. That's why it's not called "Happy Party Fun Time".

If I ever had a daughter, I would never name her Maureen, because whenever there's trouble in the world, the U.S. always deploys the Maureens first, and I don't believe in sending babies into combat

If there was an alien disease that caused complete loss of short term memory, I think the worst part would be having to tell someone that they had it, because you would have to have that same conversation with them every day for the rest of your life

Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, So Watch Out For Uranus

If you think you can overcome all of your character flaws, that's another character flaw

It's time that we as a nation asked ourselves, what does it mean to ask a rhetorical question?

If you think jokes about drug use are funny, you must be high

Zen joke of the day: Why did the Buddha swallow four quarters? Because he believed that change must come from within

She kept wanting to take it to another level, but I don't have another level

The time to procrastinate is NOW!

No cats, no obsessive feelings about college football, no lists of medical reasons why you won't work out, no more than three drug prescritions at a time, no making excuses for kids or exes in prison, no telling me how my own kids feel like you know them better than me, no hostility towards religion, no "Daddy" issues

Reason #9251 Why I'm Still Single: All of my men friends "Relationship Status" are either Married or Single, All of my women friends are either Married or "It's Complicated". To guys, it's never complicated.

All those people who went on Match Game and Hollywood Squares in the 1970's and won lifetime supplies of Rice'R Roni (The San Francisco Treat)...? I bet now they're sick of Rice'R Roni and curse the day they ever went on a game show. I bet they stand in their driveways every day waving off trucks trying to deliver more... Rice'R Roni, and I bet they wake up screaming at night "NO more San Francisco Treat! No More!"

If I worked in a proctologist's office, every time someone came into the waiting room, I would say "The doctor will rectify your problem shortly" and then giggle.

On Star Trek, I bet they always have to warn kids not to play with duodynetic anti-matter quantum particle injectors

A neighbor kid came over yesterday and said "My mom wants to borrow a cup of AWESOME!!"

The hotter a woman is, the more interesting her stories about her cats are

Having me on your friends list is like winning a lifetime supply of AWESOME!!!

Never take your children to the interactive Museum of Guns and Fire

I would feel better about Brown's win except that in six months or a year everyone's going to hate him and want more "change"; as long as we focus on what's best for our own agenda, rather than trying to elect competent, intelligent people who can work TOGETHER with the other side, any "change" is going to be short-lived.... George Washington had the right idea about political parties: He was against them altogether.

To be clinically accurate, "The Moody Blues" should have been called "The Chronic Depression Triggered By Multiple Manic Episodes"

Do I hate it when people ask questions that they answer themselves? Yes. Do I do it anyway just to annoy you? Absolutely!

Helpful interview tip for job-seekers: At the end of the interview, when you're given the opportunity to ask questions of the interviewer, it's a BAD idea to say "Did people make fun of your nose when you were a kid?"

A comparison of modern philosophies will often highlight similarities rather than differences: For instance, Lao Tzu (the Father of Taoism) said "To be is to do" while 17th century philosopher Kierkegaard said "To do is to be", and Frank Sinatra said "Doobie Doobie Doobie"

I was thinking how irresponsible it is for pirates to be teaching young children to drink rum, and how it would be better if they said something along the lines of "Yo Ho Ho and a glass of unsweetened fruit juice" but then I remembered, oh yeah, Pirates.

If the Moody Blues all started taking Prozac, would they be called the Well-Adjusted Blues?

When cars learn to drive themselves, will they also learn to complain about traffic?

The first time I heard the word "jealous" I didn't know what it meant and I thought they were talking about "jelly" like with peanut butter. True story. Not interesting, but true.

Courage isn't the opposite of fear. Fear is what you feel, a primal emotional response to perceived danger; Courage is what you do, a call to sometimes act despite whatever you may feel. Sometimes you have to act and stop wasting so much effort thinking that you should be feeling a different way about it.

In the hospitality business, having four Motel 6's is like having three Super 8's

Why don't people put marshmallows in coffee?

Let's take a moment and remember Dr. King, and the dream that he shared with this nation. Also, let us be grateful that it wasn't that dream where you're out in public and suddenly realize you're naked.

Sad: I lost my cell phone for 2 days. Sadder: I didn't miss any calls.

If I somehow went back in time to, say, the 17th century, and got stuck there with no way home, I wouldn't mind so much because I could get rich selling antiques. Because they would be everywhere, and they would be in perfect condition.

I love those who love me, and those who seek me find me. Proverbs 8:17

I don't remember the Great Depression but I do remember the first time anyone tried to tell me that things were worse than they were since the Great Depression, and that was Bill Clinton in 1992

I am grateful to Martin Luther King because, thanks in large part to what he did, I didn't have to grow up in a country where I was separated from anyone based on race or color. When I hear older people talk about how things are different from how they used to be, I try to remember that change is not always a bad thing

I'm watching the movie "Gran Torino" for the first time. It's kind of like the story of the Grinch, except with Dirty Harry.

Isn't it weird that Dirty Harry lived in San Francisco, possibly the most liberal city in the U.S.? Was that meant to send a message? And when you think about it, he wasn't dirty at all. They should have called him Clean Harry. Maybe it was the liberals who called him "dirty" because he offended their sense of fair play? Am I over-thinking this?

If your mailman is rude, would you call him an uncivil servant?

I’m watching DVDs of an 80's show called "The Equalizer" and the theme song back then was all cutting-edge and electronic, but now its just distracting because I keep thinking his cell phone is ringing.

Once I played poker with Tarot cards. I got a straight flush and my house burned down.

I thought of another great Veggie Tales character - A lime that's the captain of a submarine, the Sub-Lime

If mice and rats don't like being caged up in labs, is that called preclinical depression?

I think it would be a good episode of Veggie Tales if there was asparagus or broccolli that taught a lesson about stalking

If I had to come up with a plan to take over the world and enslave all of mankind, I would start with Cheez-Its. Because once you start on a box of Cheez Its, it's impossible to stop

I was crazy about my kindergarten teacher, Miss Wells, but it didn't work out. She said she didn't think of me "in that way". But even now when I hear that song "B-I-N-G-O" I get weepy. That was our song.

When I was little my parents caught me stealing copper wire from an active generator. I was grounded.

If my life was a TV show, I think most people would watch it going "Yeah, right!"

Money can't buy love. Believe me, I've tried.

Sometimes I wish I was Batman, except I wouldn't actually want to go out jumping off buildings and punching people as hard as I could or having to stay up all night. OK, I wish I was Bruce Wayne, except without the emotional scars and dead parents.

Life is not measure by how many breaths you take, but by how many times you have the breath knocked out of you

Why don't people stage cow fights or cat fights or monkey fights? Why is it always roosters or dogs?

Do zoos in China have racoons and possums in them?

....and she's buying a Stairway to AWESOME!!!

For some people, the worst punishment is a long life

I’m tired

Yesterday I missed my ex-wife, but my aim is getting better

This is crazy This is crazy This is crazy

What do you call it when a woman imagines a conflict where none really exists, then blames the other person for it, insists that everyone take sides, allows resentment to build until she can barely talk about anything else, and the other person doesn't even know anything about it or what caused it? Because I call that "dangerously insane."

Whenever I have to leave my lunch in the company refrigerator, I never put my own name on it. I always write "MANSON" in big blocky letters so people think it's the lunch of an insane serial killer. Because first of all, who wants that guy pissed at you, but also, who knows what's in that sandwich, right?

Sometimes its easy to give, because we give from stength and from abundance; it takes a certain kind of courage to accept help. Allow others to be a blessing, admit your need and accept what's offered with grace and gratitude, and leave no room in your heart for shame or regret.

Am I supposed to be insulted at being called a "typical guy"?

I hate it when chicks insist I take sides in conflicts that they imagine

Today's Random Country Song Title: "I'm In Love With The Kaiser (Because That's How I Roll)"

Two or three times in the last week, something dog-sized waddled up to my window at night and looked inside, blinked a couple times and then waddled off. I think it's a very big possum, but isn't it awfully cold for possums to be out?

Today someone told me that I am amazing, but it doesn't feel any different than just being my usual awesome

The last woman I went out with told me she was a dog person and unfortunately, she really was

It never rains in California. No wonder there are wildfires.

Just because I laugh at you doesn't mean you're funny

You have the right to remain AWESOME!!

When you see someone judging someone else, be careful that you don't judge them for judging.

Not going to say anything else about Pat Robertson! All I'll say is this: I like to think of God in terms of possibilities and not absolutes, because who knows His Mind? Even so, I have a hard time when people talk about curses and pacts with the Devil. Also, Robertson made reference to Napoleon III, who never even ruled over Haiti - That was his uncle, Napoleon Bonaparte. Let's at least get our history right.

Most people look at things as they are and say "Why?" A dreamer looks at things as they could be and says "Why not?" I just kind of sit back and say "What the hell?"

I went to the Infantry museum but there were no infants there. It's funny because they were all adults at the Adultery Museum.

I have to fight with my son for 30 minutes to get him to do a job that takes 5 seconds

I used to think that relationships were like a birdcage, small and confining. But now I think they're more like an open, warmly-lit living room with a big bay window...that you smack into when you try to fly through it.

Chickens aren't very good at accepting criticism. Everytime you try to talk to them, they balk.

If we have nothing to fear but fear itself, I hate to tell you this, but that's still having something to fear

Misery loves company. It runs a shuttle back and forth to my house.

You can't hold on to things, because the more you do the more they slip away. Learn to let go! Unless you're a trapeze artist, or work in a maternity ward.

Always think positive, unless you're taking a drug test, or work in a free clinic

Misery really does love company. My company, apparently.

Don't force your religious beliefs on me by telling me what kind of day to have

I know you're not really laughing out loud, but your LOL is encouraging

If I owned a bank, I would want Eddie Money to do commercials for me

I love sarcastic chicks

I think it would be funny if Ronald McDonald and Michael McDonald switched places

If you hate something, hit it with a shovel. If it comes back to you, run like hell.

If I am ever part of a Presidential entourage, I want my Secret Service codename to be "Dumptruck"

Entropy is the universal tendency towards disorder by which all matter and energy will one day exist as useless background radiation and white noise. Given that the universe is highly ordered, and given this universal descension into its natural state of Chaos, how then can anyone discount even the possibility that Something had to have created it in the first place?

There used to be a little Deli in Richmond where all the menu items were named after Philadelphia landmarks, and the Kensington Avenue was liverwurst, onions, mustard, Swiss cheese and horseradish on a foot-long rye sub roll. As you go about your day today, take a moment to remember the most awesome sandwich ever created.

I wonder if Marty McFly's teacher ever told him that he doesn't make good use of his time

I love you so much because you're such an awesome person, unless you reject me then I hate you because you're an ass

My last girlfriend kept telling me that I only go after women who are unavailable so that I can avoid making a commitment, but I think she was just repeating what her husband told her

If there was a convention on the top floor of a hotel for a group of writers who published their work anonymously, it could be called Ghost Writers In The Sky

If its bad luck to see the bride before the wedding, how do you know who you're marrying?

There's nothing like a hot espresso in the morning! Except other kinds of coffee are kind of like espresso, but not exactly

Always follow your dream. Unless it's that one where you're out in public and suddenly realize you're naked

I'm watching DVD's of "Chuck" Season 2 in preparation of tonight's third season premiere. For those of you who don't speak Geek, think of "Chuck" as the playoffs, and "Lost" is the Super Bowl

If I had to make a cartoon mascot for the cereal Cracklin' Oat Bran, I would make it a woman named Cracklin' Rosie

I went to the Dollar General and bought a gallon of homogenized milk and the checkout scanner said "1 Homo Gal"

When Vanna White goes to the doctor, does he ask her "When was your last vowel movement?"

Today is Elvis Presley's birthday. Wherever he is, he's 75 years old

Plaid boxers

What do tigers dream of when they take a little tiger snooze?

Of all the kinds of cancer that there are, the one that I am most aware of, and the one that I am most against, is breast cancer. But please don't let this dissuade you in any way from talking about your bra color.

For some reason I keep picturing women in their bras today

Why do women ask men what are they thinking about, when the answer is always the same?

She said she had a sixth sense. Turns out she wasn't psychic; she was refering to her sense of entitlement

To all you people who complain and act superior about how unprepared Georgia is for the snow: Do you have snow tires on your car? Have you bought a snow shovel to clear your driveway? Most of us haven't, because WE DON'T GET SNOW THAT MUCH. I'd rather the city shut down one day every couple years, then spend millions preparing for the eventuality. Love, Mark

One Year Sober

Here's a great name for a country song : "Love Can Build A Bridge (And You Can Get Over It)"

Yes, it is you and yes, you are crazy

Can't stand the snow. I keep thinking of all the freezing cold things I had hoped to leave behind when I moved from Virginia, the snow, the sleet, the icy roads, my ex-wife...

If you have a condition that confuses everyone in the hospital, will they keep you overnight for obfuscation?

If I say something that you think is stupid, just tell me. Because if you say "Excuse me?" I'm just going to say it again, and louder this time.

When life hands you lemons, make margaritas

When people are ready to get serious about putting an end to teenage smoking, I have an idea for an ad campaign where a teenager lights up and then Frankenstein appears and says "Fire, BAD!" and then attacks him. Trust me, no one will want to smoke after that.

Keep it real. Unless you're a plastic surgeon. Or a writer of fiction. Or an actor. Or a manufacturer of astroturf, or Splenda. Or an undercover police detective, or spy.

I'm thinking about trying that George Costanza thing where I do the exact opposite of what my instincts tell me to do, because how bad could things get?

Happy Hump Day (if you know what I mean)

How do you say "Grow The Hell Up" in Klingon?

If Santa Claus formed an 80's metal band, he could sing "Here I am, rock you like a candy cane"

The Weather Channel website says "No End In Sight For Record Cold Temps". Really? So, no spring or summer this year? It's just going to be this cold FOREVER?

There's no I in "team" and there's no D in "refrigerator" or "congratulations" and there's no E in "truly"

When I die, I want a simple Buddhist cremation ceremony, and then I want the ashes mixed in with cocaine and Pop Rocks and given to a bunch of elephants, and then when they go nuts and explode, people will always wonder, was it Mark's ashes that did that, or was it the cocaine and Pop Rocks?

You're having my baby, what a lovely way of saying "We should probably get married now."

If I owned a bank that offered free checking, I would promote it with a commercial that said "Get your money for nothing and your checks for free"

If the Incredible Hulk joined the Beatles, then the song "I Me Mine" would have been called "Hulk Hulk Hulk's"

Someone told me when I talk to her I sound like a therapist, and I said "How does that make you feel?"

If every day was Christmas, the malls would collapse under the weight of all the last-minute shoppers, and no one would ever go on diets

December comes in like a lion and leaves like a whole bunch of lions fighting each other, with machine guns

Is it me?

God doesn't see you as your family or your education or your career, your nationality or race or ethnicity. God doesn't recognize your politics or your religion. God doesn't care what anyone around you thinks of you or even what you think of yourself. God sees you as His child, an individual unique in all of creation.

In this economy, about the only people making money are the ones exporting lead paint to China

Last night at Steak & Shake someone left a whole shake on their table next to us, and I told Lauren I would give her $20 if she went over and sat in the booth and drank the whole thing, but she didn't

If aliens made a robot to take over Sarah Palin, they could call it the Palin-Drone

Happy 01/02/2010!! For those of you reading this backwards, that's 01/02/2010

I had to break up with this chick because we were too different. I was a social butterfly and she was more like a social Rottweiller

My parents always believed in me, because deep down they knew someone kept setting off the fire alarm

When I go in to Fuddruckers and they take my order and ask me what my name is, I always tell them "Good Looking" so when my food is ready, the person at the counter has to announce to everyone in the restaurant "Hey Good Looking, your food is ready!"

When someone dies and you're not quite ready to let go of them, a simple way to feel closer to them is to wear 3-D glasses to the viewing, so that it looks like they're coming right at you

The best way to disarm your opponent is to agree with him

Every year on this day I like to take a moment to thank all the vets for the freedom we enjoy in this country. And every year they escort me out of the animal hospital for "harrassing" them.

There are like three stray cats now taking up permanent residence in my backyard and I am not even feeding them. This is no longer funny.

Remember how Star Wars Episodes I - III came out and everyone was looking for clues how they all tied back to the first three, and at the end Luke and Leia were born and it all came full circle? That's how I think Sex and The City movies are, they end when they all become the Golden Girls

I tell my kids, every time they're bad, a celebrity dies

Faith is a mountain to be climbed, and not a flower to be picked; Wisdom is a tool to be used in service, and not a treasure to be hoarded. Wherever you are in your journey, God is calling you further on, to a deeper understanding and a richer faith than what you have. Don't despair. Rest, but don't turn back.

As a basic rule of thumb, I don't believe in generalizations

I hate it when a chick breaks up with a dude and tells everyone that he was an abusive jerk and how she's so free and finding herself and everyone is all, you go, girl, good for you, he's an ass! And then like a week later she's like, Guess what? We're back together and I've never been happier in my life, isn't it grea...t? And then it's all......*cricket sounds*

The left believes that a centralized Federal government should feed, clothe, employ, and care for every individual in its scope; the right believes that the government should be limited and that individuals should fend for themselves. It seems to me, we focus on maligning, insulting, persecuting and hating each other, ...but until a balance is struck on this one issue, nothing will ever be resolved.

Obama's new policy on gay's in the military: Ask, Tell

Hello, Friday. It's been a long time. You haven't changed a bit.

I never realized how much I had emotionally invested in Law & Order

On TV, whenever anyone hits something with a pillow, the pillow breaks open and feathers fly everywhere. Do people even still have pillows like that?

I want to start marketing a line of translucent cloth footwear that light up when you wear them, and call them Crystal Power Socks

I was thinking that when Quinn walks around the house singing one of the songs he likes, he keeps singing the same two or three lines over and over. But it turns out, those songs only have two or three lines.

My boss said "What's another word for supervision?" and I said "X-ray vision?"

If super-advanced aliens ever came to earth, but they all looked like cows, I bet they would be really pissed if we accidentally ate one of them

I dig chicks, and chicks dig me. And chicks dig it that I dig them, and I dig chicks digging me. Dig?

If I take a coffee cup and I put Kool-Aid in it, it's not a coffee cup anymore. It's a Kool-Aid cup. And, I just BLEW YOUR FREAKIN' MIND!!!

Kanye West, Rage Against The Machine, and Tenacious D vow to boycott AZ over their new immigration law. 40 other states immediately consider adopting AZ's law.

Forget the massive oil spills, the turmoil in Korea, the war in the Middle East, the European financial crisis....Lindsay Lohan just got her hair done!

I believe in God the same way I believe the sun rises in the morning. Not because I can see it, but because it's how I can see anything

Star Trek fans are called Trekkers, so shouldn't Dr. Who fans be Whooters? And fans of the Amazing Race should be Amazing Racists?

If there were such things as Dog Philosophers, I bet the one question they would always ponder would be "Who's A Good Boy?"

If it seems too good to be true, it's probably me

Faith is not what you believe, or even what you say. It's what you do.

ok I love you bye bye

Elizabeth Gilbert's best-selling book, Eat, Pray, Love, becomes a feature film starring Julia Roberts. Oprah set to star in the sequel, Eat, Eat, Eat

This chick deleted me as her friend and I didn't know why, so I begged her to take me back and she did, but then I deleted her. Was that wrong of me? Should I not have done that?

When the census taker asked my race, I said "Yard Gnome"

I don't mind so much pressing one for English; I'm saving my outrage for the day I have to press two for English

There is a FB group called "If The American Flag Offends You, I'll Help You Pack". But I think it's a trick. I bet none of those people will really help you pack.

So weird waking up in a house with no kids

All of you conspiracy nuts who are afriad to answer the census because the government is one huge conspiracy that tracks our every move and knows everything about us....Rest easy. If they were tracking our every move they wouldn't have to count us every ten years.

Let's all take a moment to remember the things that are important to us, and for the men and women who dedicated themselves to make them that way, and let us always be mindful of the things and the people. Never forget!

I think if they remake Charlie's Angels it should star Kim Kardashian, Megan Fox and Hayden Pantierre. It wouldn't matter what time or channel it was on, who all else was in it or even if there were any writers. It could be just the three of them walking around doing nothing.

Now that Law and Order is over, I say we elect Jack McCoy President

When I have to describe something that isn't wound up really tight but I want to be vague about it, I use the term loosely. Loosely. Loosely.

I'm against organized religion. That's why I'm a Methodist.

She said she would always be there for me, and I have to assume that that's true, even though she never told me exactly where she was

I think I'm going to write a book called "Have A Nice Day" and in it I will outline my own plan for real and lasting happiness is just to have a nice day, and tell other people to have a nice day as well, and I, of course, will be a millionaire for my revolutionary life philosophy that changed the course of history.

I was really hoping that the parallel universe on Lost would be the same parallel universe on Fringe.

Whenever anyone says "I love you all," I always feel left out. It doesn't matter who is saying it or why.

If I was in Narnia and all the trees came to life and started fighting the bad guys, I think I would want to be near the pine trees, because I bet pine trees fight like ninjas.

If you keep talking about the same stuff over and over, even if I agree with you I'm going to stop listening

I think I could totally outrun a zombie

Why are there no animal rights activists who stand up for bugs?

I cried because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. He didn't need shoes, so I took his.

If someone ever comes to me and says I have to go with them to save the world and I'm the only hope, they better bring me snacks, or I'm not going

Maybe in the future, scientists will discover that there are perpendicular universes

I wonder if I was kidnapped as a child and brought here from a parallel universe?

Why is the word dyslexic so hard to spell?

Those Nabisco 100 Calorie Packs are so good, I could eat like 15 of them all in one sitting, and feel the fat just melting off

I've read and studied the Book of Revelation, all of the relevant passages in Isaiah and Daniel, every reference in Thessalonians and all four Gospels, and I can't find a single Biblical account to suggest that the Devil does, indeed, go down to Georgia

Remember back in the 80s when some dude was poisoning Tylenol and everyone was afraid to use it, and the President of the company kept saying there was nothing wrong with Tylenol, it was the poison that was hurting people...? I think that's how God is kind of, with all these religions. He gave us truth and mercy and acceptance, and someone poisoned it and now everyone's afraid of Him.

I think its funny when someone has an opinion and its different than yours, and you say something that they have no argument for, they just call you ignorant and say that you don't have all the facts.

I went to Indy's graduation awards - He got Honor Roll for the year (all A's) and a special mention for being the only 5th grader in Barrow County to get a perfect score on his Math CRCT's. I take partial credit though, because I was always really good with, like, math 'n stuff like that.

Today is Indy's last day of Elementary school. I always get so emotional at these things

Pretty excited about volunteering at the Lawrenceville Cooperative Ministry starting next month

Any time someone says "usage" they could just as easily say "use", so I don't know why "usage" is even a word.

Quinn asked me if I was popular when I was in school. I told him that I was so popular, all the other popular kids got jealous and wouldn't invite me to their parties or hang out with me.

Who was the first guy to eat chicken, and how did he describe the taste to people?

Obama hosted Mexican President Calderon for a state dinner and served Mexican food. Don't you think the President of Mexico gets tired of Mexican food?

While all these scientists and anthropologists are out in the woods looking for Bigfoot, I wonder if there are Bigfoot scientists out there looking for humans?

I'm a rocket man, burning all the shoes off every lawn!

The AZ law makes it a state crime to be in violation of a Federal statute (basically making the state responsible for enforcing a Federal Law). If Obama doesn't like it, why not just change the Federal law, and open up our borders to everyone? In effect, that's what he did when he stood up against the state of AZ with the Pres of Mexico. Am I right?

I think the "Everybody Draw Mohammed" day is mean-spirited and divisive. I think Americans can't afford to alienate people, and I think Christians should be building bridges to people of other faiths. This is like someone having a "Everyone Spit On The Cross" day. It's not about placating the extremists, it's about not... offending the vast majority of people who might otherwise be open to communication. My $.02

Arizona's law, which takes effect in July, will make it a crime under state law to be in the U.S. illegally - I'm confused, what does the word "illegal" mean?

If Descartes had written children's books, the Little Engine That Could would have gone up the hill saying "I think, therefore I can...I think, therefore I can....I think, therefore I can..."

Atlanta had really bad floods last year but we didn't have country stars writing songs about it

School officials say the Corner High School teacher apparently was teaching his students about parallel lines and angles and used the example of where to stand and aim to shoot the president.

They just cancelled Numb3rs. It was a show about a guy smart enough to predict criminal behavior based on probability clouds and progressive algorithms, but dumb enough to believe that 3 was a letter of the alphabet

I think Hollywood should go another 100 years without doing any more movies about Robin Hood, King Arthur, or the Three Musketeers. That includes, sequels, prequels, any kind of modern-day takes on the legends, stories about their children or their parents or what they were like when they were babies, or people going b...ack in time and having wacky misadventures with them.

I have this theory that Scooby Doo didn't really talk, and that all we saw onscreen was Shaggy hallucinating that his dog could talk. That's why no one else ever reacted to Scooby talking except Fred, Daphne and Velma (who were just humoring Shaggy the way normal people do to insane people).

No one ever listens to me

Don't question it! Just do it!

I found this by accident and I can't stop listening to it

Go to pick Quinn (13 y.o.) from my sister's house after work. On my way, he calls and says Are you almost here? I say, yes, go back to Patti's. He's not there when I get there. I call him 3 times and HE HANGS UP ON ME! Not the first time he's done it. So I text him and I say "Walk home" (it's like 3 miles). He texts ba...ck "ok" because he doesn't think I'll leave. Here I am at home....

If a man cheated, but he didn't lie about it and I felt that he could do a good job as President or whatever, I would still vote for him. I don't know why Americans hold politicians to such impossible standards. We've come to expect it from rock stars and actors, and even admire them for it, but politicians almost have... to lie to be accepted by the public.

Live each day like it was your last. Except not in the hospital all hooked up to wires and tubes and stuff.

I think the word "McGuyver" should be a verb. Like, "I didn't have a corkscrew, so I had to McGuyver the bottle open" or "The car wouldn't start, so I McGuyvered my way home"

Ask me how much sleep I got last night. Like, 4 hours. Something like that. Maybe less.

Show of hands everyone!! Julie Kallisti Smallwood has to do a project on a genetic disorder. I say she should do it on a mutant healing factor that delays the aging process and retractable claws. Who agrees with me?

I will always be here for you. And when I can't be here for you, I will always be there for you.

I don't serve a God of absolutes; I serve a God of possibilities

If King Kong had been taken to Los Angeles, I think they would have taught him sign language and finger-painting; instead, like most tourists who visit New York, he wound shot dead in the streets.

Everyone pay attention to me!!

Woody Allen is publicly defending Roman Polanski? Isn't that like asking Charles Manson for his thoughts on Ted Bundy?

I don't believe that there is a secret shadow government that secretly runs everything, assasinates people and causes natural disasters. It's not that I don't think our government could be that evil; I just don't think they could be that competent.

If a District Attorney hires a legal secretary, does a Mob Lawyer hire an Illegal Secretary?

It hurts when someone stabs you in the back, but especially when they do it right under your nose

I tried to watch the first Twilight movie and all I can say is, seriously?

If you're in an abusive relationship and you're staying together "for the kids", keep in mind that your kids are growing up in an abusive situation and they're learning that this is normal and acceptable. That's what you're doing for your kids.

I'm so cool that if you don't think I'm cool then that makes you even less cool than you would be otherwise

I had a fortune cookie and it had no fortune in it!! What does that mean?

When someone is all worried and ridden with anxiety, why do we try to comfort them by saying "Don't worry, anything can happen"....? Isn't that what they're worried about in the first place?

Asking only workman's wages I come looking for a job, But I get no offers, Just a come-on from the horse on Seventh Avenue

Telling someone "Happy Monday" is like saying "Enjoy your surgery" or "Have fun cleaning"

Someone wished me a Happy Monday today. Those two words don't really go together.

If there's one thing I can't stand, it's being lied to. If there's two things I can't stand, it's being lied to and being punched really hard in the face. If there's three things I can't stand, it's being lied to, being punched really hard in the face, and being convicted of a crime I didn't commit and then having to ...wander from town to town in search of the one-armed man who can clear my name.

I've finally figured out what my problem is

In the psychiatric field, we don't like to use the word 'cureed.' Unless we're talking about ham. ~~Frasier Crane

I bought a bunch of the bottles of organic acai berry juice. First reaction was "I hope this stuff is good for you because it tastes like dirt" but I have to say, once you get used to it, its pretty good

I was watching Fringe and they found a joint in a dead girl's car and Olivia was like, "There's no lipstick on the joint" and Peter's all "She must have been with somebody" and I'm waiting for SOMEONE to say, "Maybe she just doesn't bogart the joint" but no one does.

I know who my real friends are. They're the ones that other people can see and hear, not just me.

I don't want my children to grow up in a world where there is no Law and Order. And yes, I mean the TV show.

I am going to start an organization for physicians who won't rent out the extra rooms in their houses, and call it Doctors Without Boarders

If I was in the Justice League, every time Aquaman came around I would go "Wait! I smell something fishy!" and then laugh for a really long time. And I bet Superman and Wonder Woman would laugh too.

I told Quinn I would take him wherever he wanted to go for dinner next week. He says he wants to go to Hooters. I guess I'm either doing something right or something horribly, horribly wrong.

Today two people I don't even know said I was AWESOME!!!

The European Union announced plans to establish a permanent base on the moon by 2030. They said the trick will be to time it when the moon is full, so that they don't fall off

President Obama on Monday met with a delegation from Abbas. He requested that they sanction tribal warlords in their area, and then asked if they could play "Dancing Queen"

My boss said they had a pool in their neighborhood, but they had to join the association to get in. I said that doesn't seem fair, since the Association hasn't had a hit since "Along Came Mary"

My friend told me that over the summer he was going on a mission trip to build a house for a Liberian family. I told him to be sure to include a lot of bookshelves.

When you visit Japan, I bet it's hard to tell the difference between when they say "Lock and Load" and "Rock and Roll"

What if everything we ever needed to know to get along and be happy, was so simple that we taught it to little children? And what if someone came along to remind us of it, and all we had to do was listen and believe? Would we say he had an agenda, or mock him for his accent or his clothes or his race, or argue with each other about what he meant? Or would we listen?

Quinn brought home a worksheet about the causes of WWI and it listed Germany and Italy as allies. I told him his paper was wrong, and that Italy stayed neutral at the start of the war, and then sided with the Entente once they saw how the war was going. Quinn took it back to school and the teacher said "Your dad is rig...ht but we have to go by what the paper says." WTH??? Why are we even teaching history??

My son asked me last night if I thought the moon landing was faked. I told him of course, everything that happened in the 60's was faked. I am expecting a note from his teacher this week.

When he was born I wanted to name him Indiana Jones, but I knew even under heavy sedation, Kathy wouldn't have agreed, so we settled on Indiana, thinking he didn't need a middle name: He would be "Indy" and when we were mad at him he'd be "Indiana". Except now, when he's in trouble, I still call him Indiana Jones

Trivia Time: In which movie did the character of James Bond appear as a clown? If you guessed "View To A Kill" you're only partially right. The correct answer is "All of the ones with Roger Moore"

I was a little proud of Quinn for cooking his own supper tonight while I was in bed sick(ish), but then I found out that all he made was like 2 pounds of steak, and he sat on the couch and ate it with his hands. I know I'm not the greatest parent, but even I taught him to eat over the sink.

I don't like movies where two people hate each other but they're really in love, and they both have overweight friends who know everything there is to know about dating and relationships, and then at the end of the movie one of them (usually the dude) has to run a long way to get to the other one to say he loves her.

Dear Miley Cyrus, Please don't make any more music videos. You're freaking me out. Love, Mark

We're going to see Iron Man and ironically, all my clothes are wrinkled

So just to be clear now, doesn't this mean that we could potentially have tornadoes of flaming crude oil descending on the Florida coastline?

I HATE HATE HATE it when people say "but yet"....you can say "yet", you can say "but" or you can say "and yet". Each of those is proper. Do not say "but yet". You sound like a moron.

I have a friend in show business who is always complaining that he's being unfairly compared to another performer and never recognized for his own body of work. And I'm like, dude, you're an Elvis impersonator...

If I made a movie about a guy who owned a factory who went to a distant land and brought back a bunch of the natives, dressed them in overalls and made them sing and dance while they worked in his factory, people would be outraged that I was exploiting a minority under-class. And yet, there's Willy Wonka...

You're doing it again

It would be cool if Iron Man had a sidekick, like Aluminum Boy

Do you think, when you become a Vampire, it changes your political views?

Dear Franklin Graham, I'm pretty sure God hears you praying no matter where you are. You don't have to stand out in front of the Pentagon. Love, Mark

Sometimes I think I might be bipolar, and that makes me really sad and I can barely function, but then I say to myself "You're not bipolar!" and I feel AWESOME!! and everything's great again

I thought of of another great country song today: "You Live Like You're Dying (And I'll Pull The Plug)"

When ants and bugs bite you, they're actually trying to eat you, so don't feel bad about killing them. It's us or them, really.

Today my goal is to make a new friend. I'm going to get a pumpkin to use for his head and set him in my yard.

When you talk about how much you hate it when people complain, I hate to tell you, you're complaining

Why don't animal lovers ever want to save the rats?

If I was going to market a new brand of mayonaisse, I would call it Cinco de Mayo

Whenever I see pictures of Kristen Stewart, she always looks like she's thinking of the 1,000 things she would rather be doing than having her picture taken. And that includes when she's onscreen.

EVery year at Mother's Day I reflect back on the day I left my ex-wife, and how by the time I was even out of the driveway, I already missed her. I had to back up and try again.

If I was going to start a group to save the manatees, I would call it "Oh, The Huge Manatees!"

What do you call a student who is studying for their graduate degree in Ancient Egyptian Plumbing? A Pharoah Faucet Major

Every year when spring is in the air and the flowers are in bloom, I miss my ex wife. But every year my aim gets a little better.

Follow your bliss. Never give up on your dreams. Until she gets a restraining order.

Dude

I typed my name in to see what Bible verse best describes my life, and it said John 11:35, "Jesus wept"

If Hollywood was really serious about the environment and conserving resources, they would start reporting on which celebrities aren't cheating on their spouse. That would save like a million trees.

I think the people that make Taco Bell and Doritos are secretly lobbying to legalize marijuana

If you're happy just to be alive, no offense, but you're setting the bar kind of low

I still remember the day I met the Invisible Man. He said "Maybe I haven't made myself clear"

Jesus loves you, and Buddha is strangely attracted to you

I think it would be hard to have a boring life if my name was Thor. Because even an accountant named Thor would be AWESOME!!

If I had Spider-Powers I wouldn't fight crime, I would wash windows, because I could do a whole building in like an hour. If I saw a crime in progress, I might help out, but mostly I would mind my own business.

Here's to you, Mr. "Doesn't Have A Social Life Outside of Facebook" Guy!!

People witnessed miracles and then asked for proof. People witnessed a Prince renounce all his posessions to attain enlightenment, and then asked for proof. A single man dedicated to a path of non-violence overthrew the world's largest empire, and another died to change centuries of oppression with his words. And still... we ask for proof. For those still asking, no proof is enough; for those of faith, none is needed.

I walk the streets alone. At least, the one street where I live, and the adjoining cul-de-sac. But don't mess with me.

I'm a loner, a rebel. I do things my own way and make my own rules. You can't stop me. Don't even try. I walk the streets alone.

Sometimes I think it must be really easy to be a cartoon doctor, because cartoons never really get hurt. EIther that, or cartoon doctors are so good that they can fix anything in a matter of seconds.

People lie to me, and I don't say anything because there's really no point arguing about it, but then they think they got away with something, or that they can just tell me whatever they want and I'll believe them, but I'm not gullible, I've just stopped caring one way or the other

I think the people who make Farmville have never seen a magnolia tree

Scientific studies have shown that everything you eat, drink, buy, wear on your body, have in your home or in your car, or give your kids to play with, will kill you.

My kids didn't believe in the Easter Bunny until I told them that for centuries, Native Americans did primitive cave drawings of a bunny-like creature delivering spheroid objects to cave children

When Yogi Bear was a baby, did his parents tell him Don't talk to rangers?

Let's see how the President is criticized for this by the mainstream media

I see a lot of people joining this group about saying "Yes, Sir" and "Yes, Ma'm" because they're from the South....and a bunch of the ones joining it, sorry, I know you and I've never heard you ever say it once.

Just finished watching the latest Witch Mountain movie from Disney, and it occurred to me that nothing is probably more terrifying to a teenage boy than a teenage girl who can read his mind

It's what's on the inside that counts, unless you're a dermatologist

Don't make fun of the 80's. That's like making fun of my hometown.

SOmetimes I feel unloved and I hate it, and sometimes I feel loved and that's a lot better of course, but I don't think I'm ever as content as when I'm happy just being myself despite what anyone else thinks or feels about it.

She asked me, "I would have loved to know what you were like as a little kid"....I said, "Pretty much the same as I am now, only smaller..."

The Lord says, "My thoughts are not like your thoughts. Your ways are not like my ways...Rain and snow fall from the sky and don't return without watering the ground. They cause the plants to sprout and grow...the same thing is true of the words I speak. They will not return to me empty. They make the things happen tha...t I want to happen, and they succeed in doing what I send them to do. (Isaiah 55:8,10-11)

She asked me if I thought she might be bipolar? I said no, bipolars have good days.

My super-insanely-optimistic friend was telling me that there are certain foods and drinks that have positive energy, that give you a better attitude and better perceptions and overall improve the way you see the world. I asked her, isn't that how women in bars always get better-looking the more you drink?

I bet Van Gogh really regretted cutting off that ear when his sight started to fail and he wound up needing glasses

My waitress at lunch today was so incredily cute that I wished I was 20 again....and then remembered that girls like her routinely shot me down when I was 20...

If I ever get to meet Bruce Springstein, I'm going to tell him that he's not the boss of me

Seriously how do you know that someone hasn't already used a time machine to change history and we're living in an alternate universe?

I asked the fortune teller if I would wear boxers or briefs when I got older. She said, "Depends"

Watching Friday Night Lights (season one) on DVD with Quinn. He's like "What position does that guy play?" and I'm like "Running back or wide receiver or something, I don't know" and he's like "Well why is he playing there if he's a wide receiver?" and I'm all, "OK, go to your room"

I used to wonder, why am I here on Earth? Now I wonder, why is the Earth here around me?

I live in Bethlehem. But I don't follow a star to get here. The star follows me. Because I'm FREAKIN' AWESOME!!!

Don't be so eager to believe something just because it supports your position that you neglect what is true and just. Check your facts. Don't be afraid to question someone's sources, or even their motives. Think for yourself. Ask yourself what they're NOT telling you. Things are rarely black and white.

All women should have yearly mammograms. Until they get older, then they should have grandmammograms

It seems like "being open-minded" is a quality that everyone encourages in others, but very few cultivate in themselves. Everyone seems to want others to be open to their point of view, but to consider someone else's opinion is a threat to their "values". The truth is we all want the same things: We just need to learn... to listen to one another, or we'll never accomplish anything.

Dream on, dream for your dinner, dream for your life and dream to be thinner...

Admit it. I'm starting to get inside your head.

I wonder what would happen if I went down to the Atlanta Zoo with a protest sign that said "Spay or Neuter Your Pandas"

I like to keep abreast of the news

The spiritual person is concerned with his own conduct and the well-being of others; the religious person is concerned with his own well-being and the conduct of others

I'm sorry that your life is a train wreck, but you'll excuse me if I don't stand in the middle of the tracks

This Monday morning has already exceeded acceptable levels of SUCK!!

If you play Stairway To Heaven backwards, it says "I am Satan, Satan is good".....but if you play Highway To Hell backwards, it says "Go to church"

What's the present tense verb of the word "lightning"? Lightninging?

I saw the world rushing all around your face, never really knowing it was always mesh and lace

If eating utensils had to elect a leader, I think the spork would win. Because a good spork could appeal to both spoons and fork, while the knives and spatulas and straws would be left to fight amongst themselves. But if there was such a thing as a strawtula (straw+spatula), watch out!!

Now that I'm grown up, all I can think of when I watch WIlly WOnka is how unsanitary it is

I am very very close to unfriending someone

Took a bunch of stuff out of the refrigerator to use before it went bad, threw it in my giant crock pot with lots of spices, and it turned out AWESOME!!

People on the left always think that they're more compassionate than those on the right. In many cases this is, sadly, true. But I've found that with a lot of people on the right, it's not that they don't care about those less fortunate, it's just that they don't think it's the government's job to take care of them.

If Superman was a country singer, I bet he would write a song called "How I Miss Those Krypton Nights"

I was pulling into the subdivision a couple weeks ago, and there was a kid laying down face-up on a skateboard riding down the road like a luge, and I literally missed running over him by an inch. I told him he had to be more careful, but Quinn started calling him "Roadkill" and now all the other neighborhood kids do. "Roadkill" Johnson.

What if your name was Robert Edward Madison and you had all your clothes monogrammed and everyone just though you were a huge REM fan, but you really couldn't stand REM? That would suck.

Don't assume that your life has no purpose just because you don't know what that purpose is. You have everything you need. Do your best, seek God with all of your life and all of your heart, and be encouraged.

I bet Superman gets pissed on Earth Day, because you know, Krypton blew up

I am protesting Earth Day on behalf of all the other planets that don't have days

Always think positive. Unless you're having a drug test. Or a biopsy.

I'm not a fan of Barak Obama, but I don't think I like this thing going around the internet of people wishing he was dead. Geez, he's still President.

In Barrow County where I live, there are always traffic jams at Stop signs. Because there's a sign telling them all to stop, but there's no sign telling them when they can go again.

Why isn't there a country song called "Driving Under The Influence of Love"....?

Last night I mashed up a sweet potato, mixed in some coarse ground black pepper and some fresh parmesan (not the kind in the green can) and then made pancakes out of it. It was FREAKIN' AWESOME!!!

People always think that things are more spiritual if they're written in a foreign language, especially if they use a different alphabet

Now Hiring: U.S. Census Bureau. No experience necessary. Must be able to count to two hundred million.

I'm sorry, but I refuse to apologize

If the Census knows how many people to send surveys to, why don't they already know how many people there are?

I have a friend who is hurting really bad right now and I am really hurting for her, and it's surprising me how bad I feel because I thought my soul had died years ago

Thanks for accepting my friend request Calloway Deegan - You've just boarded the express train to AWESOME!!! Next stop: Mark Town!!

I used to have this constant droning buzz in my ears, accompanied by debilitating pain and violent mood swings, but then I divorced her

Good day, sir! I said Good Day!

When your ears are burning, it means that someone is talking about you. Usually, they're saying "Hey look at that dude whose head is on fire."

If Carrie Underwood married Merle Haggard, everyone would call her Carrie Okie

If Christopher is now Topher, and Alexander is now Xander, is it ok to call someone named Leonard, Nard?

Part of my job is bugging the crap out of people. I should get a raise.

I remember the first family vacation I took with my ex-wife. She said we were going waterboarding at the beach. I thought it was her cute way of twisting words around, but it turns out, she's just evil.

Thanks for accepting my friend request Catherine Neal - You just entered AWESOME TOWN!! Population: Mark!!!

I'm in denial. No, wait, I mean NOT denial.

Why do Christians have a fish as their symbol, when Jesus was a carpenter and not a fisherman? Why isn't the symbol a table saw and a pair of safety goggles?

If Jordin Sparks married Jeff Gordon and took a job heading the security team at a Borden Milk Plant, she would be Borden's Warden Jordin Gordon

YOu know that Sonny the Coco Puffs Bird? He's livin' La Vida Coca

If the moon really was made of green cheese, the French would have landed there decades ago

I will never understand why Skynet, having failed to kill John Connor's mother in 1984, didn't then just try to kill his grandmother in 1964, instead of coming after him in 1994?

I give and I give and I give. I'm a giver.

High School Drama Teacher has got to be one of the most redundant jobs in the world. High school kids don't need to be taught drama.

I would like to get a helper monkey that would just sit on my shoulder and then when someone says something stupid he could just run over and slap them. Because I can't do it, and no one would sue a monkey

The main difference between Star Wars and Star Trek is that Star Wars teaches you to trust your feelings but never give in to your anger, which is a contradictory message because anger is a feeling. Star Trek, on the other hand, teaches us to be logical and that is the main reason it is AWESOME!!! Star Trek wins.

The darkest evil is the one that says "There is no evil"

So if you're against gay marriage, you make gay people stay married, because granting them a divorce would mean that you're accepting the fact that they were ever married, which you don't agree with, so that means you're actually for gay marriage, as long as they don't want to be married anymore

I had this weird dream that I was riding a unicycle through traffic to get to an amusement park

Love is blind, and deaf and bipolar and dissociative and retarded

When you're in love with a beautiful woman, you watch your friends. You watch your friends, you know, you watch your friends.

Jesus appeared to a bunch of young actors who were auditioning for "Godspell" and He said "Before this night is over, one of you will portray me"

Whenever a woman tells me something that she doesn't like about herself, or reveals her insecurities by saying something like "My nose is too big" or "I have no talent" or something like that, I don't contradict her, instead I try to offset her negativity with positive input like "But you have such a great personality"... or "True, but cats seem to like you"

I'm looking forward to the day when we as a nation will be able to put aside all our petty differences and agree that I am AWESOME!!!

If I was going to write a self-help book for marine biologists, I would call it "The Porpoise Driven Life"

I know my ex-wife is planning something. Last night, the sky turned the color of blood and dogs were running around in circles in he yard.

How could someone not like me? What's not to like?

Goober says hey

On Veggie Tales, do thay have hymns singing praise to our raisin lord?

The reason why it hurts so much to grieve a loss is because of our incredible capacity to love in the first place. Be encouraged. The alternative is to be dead inside, and not love anyone.

I don't think there's any animal that could take over control of the world away from humans. But if they teamed up, gorillas, bears, dogs, dolphins and squirrels might stand a pretty good chance. It's thoughts like that that keep me up at night.

If you ever start to feel mediocre and that maybe you haven't accomplished anything with your life, be encouraged. You're making someone else look AWESOME by comparison.

Do you think there ever really was a guy named Willy Nilly, and if he just did things in a kind of haphazard, random way?

If I belonged to a primitive tribe that practiced cannibalism, and someone brought me to America and civilized me, I would still put on my resume that I was a "people person"

My glass is half full....of POISON!!!

Honestly, has anyone ever read or seen any version of "The Diary of Anne Frank" and not thought it would have ended better if they'd all had machine guns up in that attic?

I'm going to the Barrow County Board of Education tonight because Indy is being awarded the Super Awesome Brainiac Award or something like that. Not to throw water on it, but I feel like winning this award in Barrow County is kind of like when Charlton Heston first landed on the Planet of The Apes, looked at all the ca...vemen and said "If this is the best this planet has to offer, we'll be running the place in a week."

If there was such a thing as redneck scientists, I think they would devote all their time and resources into making duct tape more effective, developing the perfect beer, and ways to make pro wrestling more realistic

What's that movie about the dude who goes out with women and then as soon as they dump him they marry the next dude they go out with? I am officially that dude.

I heard the birds singing outside my window and they sound so happy and carefree, but then I wondered what it would sound like if they were all depressed and hated their lives? Pretty much the same, I bet.

You know how people always say "God never gives us more than we can handle"...? I'd like to see that on "Mythbusters"

The pollen count is so high, the APD just busted a drug dealer that was turning meth back into Sudafed

If you feel worthless, if you feel like God has abandoned you or is angry at you, if you feel like no one cares, if these are the things that you tell yourself....then it won't matter if they're true are not; the effect will be the same. You don't have to be blindly optimistic to endure the dark times, just remember th...at the worst day you ever had was still just one day. Be encouraged. Endure, and seek God.

I'm Spider-Man

If you hate something, hit it with a shovel. If it comes back to you, run like hell.

Karma is not an economy whereby our actions are rewarded or punished, nor is it a cosmic meritocracy. It's the totality of being carried forward through this life into the next, akin to reaping what you sow. Karma is the interweaving of the spiritual, the physical and the mental. Compassion and kindness are their own rewards: Wishing payback on others for their deeds is an indication of your own karma, not theirs.

Some of you people give WAY too much personal information in your Facebook statuses

The Revolution of the Gospel was not that a man who performed miracles, but that all of us share in God's unmerited favor. Not burnt offerings in temples or priests hidden by robes, but Don't judge one another, love your enemies, turn the other cheek. It's very simple, and can't be taken away by detractors who dissect ...historical documents pointing out inaccuracies. Be encouraged. Seek God, and live your faith.

The sun shines, the rain falls, earth and water give to all their light and life without judgement or reservation. So it is with God's unmerited Grace, which is given undeserved and unearned to all. We just have to be brave enough to accept it, without apology. This is the beginning of faith.

Sometimes I want to go where everybody knows my name

I'm starting a support group for people whose lives haven't turned out the way they wanted them to. It's called "Everyone". We're meeting every night at the bar.

Some chick told me that she loved me today. I just wish I knew which one of her personalities it was...

Whenever someone says that someone else is "the best thing that ever happened to me" I always want to say "But....people aren't THINGS that HAPPEN..."

I wonder what Cologne, Germany smells like?

If we were all born old and then aged backwards until we were babies, I would never go near a delivery room

I'll throw you a line or swim out to help you, but I won't drown with you

I'm still waiting on the Veggie Tales to have an Easter special called "The Passion Of The Fruit"

Spirituality means everyone standing under the same Light; religion means everyone standing in the same line

When I talk to people who are having trouble with their marriage and they tell me they've lost that old magic feeling, I tell them that I believe it's possible to learn to love and respect anyone. It's called Stockholm Syndrome.

Today's forecast calls for mostly sunny with a chance of AWESOME!!!

The only person who doubts you, the only person keeping you from being happy, the only person holding anything against you or not forgiving you, the only person whose opinion even matters....is usually just you...

I thought I could get rich by water-skiing over a shark pen, but it turns out its illegal to head up a Fonzie Scheme.

I think the ultimate expression of existentialism that American culture has produced is Roadrunner cartoons

In the South, words like "now" and "camp" have two syllables, "nay-ow" and "cay-ump"...but we make up for it because words like "sheriff" and "Europe" only have one, "sherf" and "Yurp"

I had a dream last night that everything in my life was exactly the same as it is in real life

Everyone should have a me in their lives

And now I say to you, Do nothing to these men, but let them be: for if this teaching or this work is of men, it will come to nothing. But if it is of God, you will not be able to overcome them, and you are in danger of fighting against God. (Acts 5: 38-39)

When I interview, I alwys focus on my atttention to detale. Also, I let them know that my vocabulary is really really really, like, big.

Happy Sunday to all my atheist friends

I asked God for a sign. I didn't expect a Stop sign.

People can dispute the accuracy of the Gospel accounts and say that Christianity is based on a Lie, but the fact is that Something happened in Jerusalem 2000 years ago that not only changed the course of human history, but has been changing hearts and lives every day since. For myself, I choose to believe, and I don't need any more evidence than my own life.

When I was in school, sometimes, just to mess with the teachers, I would bring a number THREE pencil. Because I live on the edge, and make my own rules. Because I'm awesome like that.

Elle saw "The Last Song" and said that she loved it except for the parts with Miley Cyrus....and I loved the movie "Castaway" except for that one part where Tom Hanks was stuck on the island...

Crawdads are redneck sushi

When Jesus rose Lazarus from the dead, I wonder did Lazarus need a cup of coffee or something?

If a duck and a beaver fell in love, they would have a platypus

wonders if Superman's x-ray vision causes cancer, because it seems like he should warn people closest to him that they should wear lead aprons

When you rent a time machine, a good thing to do is, just before you return it, go back in time to just when you rented it and get all your money back.

When I was little and someone made a Your Mama joke, I would cry and say that my mom was really sick and not expected to make it through the night, and then the jokester person felt really bad. But I won, and that's all that matters.

If someone had told me 25 years ago that we would need special computer software to protect us against Spam, I would think that after a nuclear war, cans of processed meat were trying to take over the world

The town where I live is so small that when I leave for work in the morning, the mayor comes out and changes the population sign on the highway

Jennifer just let me know that its Testicular Cancer Awareness Month. That is just nuts.

I think guys reach a certain age where pursuing relationships is like a dog chasing a car: You can put all your effort into it, but wouldn't know what to do with one if you got it

She kept telling me how wise her Yogi was, but personally I always found Boo Boo more insightful

I just read that in the metro Atlanta area, one in three children are latino and speak no English. I'm glad I only have two kids, or I would have to learn Spanish.

When she left me, I remember clearly all the stages of grief, the denial, the bargaining, the anger and depression. It was so grueling and emotionally draining. The longest 45 seconds of my life.

On Easter morning, I'll be hanging with my peeps

I know the perfect scam to get a million doillars. Just go up to every billionaire you know and say "Hey, where's that million dollars you owe me?" I know it's a long shot, but remember, it only has to work once.

This easter I am going to make an omelette with Cadbury Eggs

When civilization collapses and there's anarchy in the streets, no electricity and no communications, I think the Amish are going to take over. Because they already know how to live without that stuff. And I think that's been their plan all along.

I bet Superman's dog catches cars and eats them

I've decided that those Alien things with two mouths in the Sigourney Weaver movies wouldn't bob for apples. They would bob for chicken in a deep fryer.

Don't ever feel like you aren't doing enough, or that you don't make a difference. It's not required that you change the world all by yourself. If you act with kindness and compassion, and seek truth in your own life, most days, that's enough. Be encouraged.

She asked me why couldn't things always be as magical as they were the first night we met? I told her, because then we'd have to stay drunk all the time...

When Vanna White goes to the doctor, does he ask her about her vowel movements?

When will we as a nation learn to put aside all of our petty political and religious differences, and just make fun of ugly people?

Sometimes I like to order calamari in a restaurant just because its the only thing I can order off a normal menu that would eat me first if I met it in the wild

So Indiana (my son not the state) was in Barrow All-County Honors Chorus tonight. They did four songs. I get so emotional at these things.

I hate it when I'm tired and can't sleep and someone says "You must be too tired to sleep" and I always think, Yeah, that MUST be it....because using that logic I'll never sleep again...

You know those alien things with two mouths that fought Sigourney Weaver? I bet they're really good at bobbing for apples.

I'm watching a funny show and I'm laughing and feeling good and then afterwards it says "Dedicated To The Loving Memory" of someone I never heard of, and that makes me pause for a second and consider this person and all their hopes and dreams, and for one shining moment the universe is lessened by their absence. And th...en I start laughing again, because I think they would have wanted it that way.

My friend Danny told me that his dad had three hip replacement surgeries, and the doctors still weren't sure what was wrong. I told him part of the problem might be, he's not supposed to have three hips.

I bet that kid in China with all the extra fingers and toes would have been really good at math

There's no "I" in TEAM, but if you move the letters around there is a ME in there

When someone asks me a question that there is no simple answer to, I like to reflect back to them by encouraging them to look within their own hearts for the solutions, and most people find this very helpful. Except in math class.

If NFL Hall-of-Famer Johnny Unitas was a deep sea diver with a facial tic, then he would be called Diver's Tic Unitas

When God closes a door, He opens a window. When God closes a window, you have to jimmy the lock.

Why isn't a male diva called a divo?

It occurred to me this morning that the spiritual person is concerned with his own conduct and the well-being of others; the religious person is too often concerned with his own well-being and the conduct of others.

I believe in God the way I believe that the sun rises. Not because I can see it, but because it's how I can see anything.

When God closes a door, he opens a window. That's what my ex said anyway, when I caught her crawling in my window

Would an Italian psychic use a Luigi Board?

When I have an existential crisis, I like to take a few minutes and just be

If Herbie the Love Bug and Chitty Chitty Bang Bang got married, I bet they would make a TON of noise in the garage at night.

Do incredibly hot chicks ever get tired of dudes telling them how hot they are? It seems like they would.

You know those daily affirmation calanders where you tear off the page every day and get a new inspirational message? I bet if they had those for dogs, every day the message would be "Bacon"

If dogs had newspapers, I bet every day the headline would read "Who's a Good Boy?" and every day they'd pick up the paper, read the headline, and then jump up and down and start wagging their tails

With very little training, education, or even effort, you can be just like me

Do dogs only have to wait eight and a half minutes to go swimming after they eat?

The worst part about dating a psychic is getting your face slapped for stuff you haven't done yet

I love it when people ask me a question and then when I answer them, they argue with me

Under the new healthcare bill, an uninsured 18-year old is an interstate threat on the level of a factory dumping Mercury into a river, and anyone who isn't alarmed by that level of intrusion into our personal lives has never read the Constitution.

Why is it that whenever a group of people says that they want to do their own thing, they all do the same thing?

If you're not part of the solution, you're probably not the soluble component in a homogenous combination of two or more chemical compound

I want to see a remake of the movie "Red Dawn" starring the kids from High School Musical, and instead of killing the Russians they challenge them to a dance-off to see who gets to keep North America

If you're going to believe that anything is possible, you have to start by first acknowledging that most things are very unlikely

You are uniquely qualified to recognize God in your life. Others might encourage or discourage you, but you are the only one who can recognize His presence, or not. Your opinion is the only one that counts. God speaks to us in stillness and in quiet places. Learn to listen, learn to trust, and be encouraged.

had a dream last night that I was hanging out with all my friends from Canada. Weird.

My favorite cause is CAUSE I'M FREAKIN' AWESOME!!!

I think the ultimate Iron Man villian would be a guy made out of water who carried a huge magnet and an anvil

Sometimes I think my kids got a raw deal by just getting me as a parent and missing all the maternal stuff, but Quinn asked me yesterday "Who is hotter, Hayden Pantierre or Megan Fox?" and I thought, well, that's something he would never have asked his mom...

If the pen is mightier than the sword, but actions speak louder than words, are actions mightier than the pen?

Sometimes I wish there was another word I could call myself other than "Christian"...and I hate that I live in a world where words like "Christian" and "militia" are even spoken together like that...

I cried because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. Because I just stole his shoes, because he didn't need them.

They keep sending me ads for "Mature Singles"....are they talking about me?

Live without regrets or expectations, leave the past to the past and let the future unfold as it will.

My AWESOME!! works on so many different levels

My teenage son can beat 1000 levels of a video game in one weekend, but can't master the skill set required to load a dishwasher

My friend from Cuba was doing laundry and setting the table for dinner, and she told me how much she enjoyed "being domestic". I said, "I thought you were imported."

I had a great Palm Sunday but I'm wondering why there aren't Holidays for the other parts of the hand

Solomon in his wisdom offered to cut a child in two, knowing that no caring parent would consent. But I've come to believe that every divorce cuts a child in two, their time and their loyalties and even their identity. I know divorce is sometimes the lesser of two evils, but I wish more people would make it easier on the kids than on themselves.

I hate it when my kids are hurting and I can't do anything about it

If there was an Incan explorer who sailed to Europe to conquer Spain, then he would be the Bizarro Pizarro

It's a fine line between Saturday Night and Sunday morning ~Jimmy Buffett

Thanks for accepting my friend request Sara Jones, You've just won the Olympic Gold Medal for AWESOME!!!

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

If they make a car that drives itself, it would be automatic; so if they made a car that a dog could drive, would that be dogmatic?

I don't understand it when people say they've been through hell and back, because why would you go back?

A true pessimist will say that the glass is half empty when it's full all the way

When people say they respect your religious beliefs, they usually mean it in the same way that they respect your right to own a handgun, trusting that you know how it works and won't attack you with it

Thanks for accepting my friend request Trent Sheley, you've just won a lifetime supply of AWESOME!!!

Men like Einstein and Fermi encountered God in their physics and equations; C.S. Lewis, in logic and reason; Mozart and Handel, in music; Da Vinci, in his art. Forget theology and sermons and lessons, open your heart and seek God, and He will reveal Himself. Seek truth and the truth will be made known. I know, not beca...use its written in a book, but because I did, and people do every day.

If I was homeschooling my kids, I would spend at least a year teaching them nothing but Led Zeppelin. And if I ever pull my kids out of public school, it will be because they don't teach enough about Led Zeppelin.

If you don't have something nice to say, shut the hell up, jerk!

I think my teenage son is preparing for a career as a social activist or protestor because, based on the amount of Axe Body Spray he uses, I'm pretty sure he's immune to tear gas at this point

Eternity is not a place you go after you die to be punished or rewarded; Eternity is not mystical or faraway, neither is it hypothetical or hard to understand; Eternity is today, your attitude, the things that are important to you and how you treat people. You choose your own Eternity, not at the moment of death or at ...some faraway throne of judgement, but right now, and everyday. Choose wisely.

I just saw on the news that there's a test to determine whether you have a Sex Addiction, and I wonder if all it does is test for a Y-chromosome.

You know how on the news they're always trying to scare you with swine flu, or earthquakes, or whatever consumer product they think will kill you next? SOmetimes I think newspeople are like Scooby Doo, who every week thinks that there's really a ghost after him.

Why don't more Catholics name their kids NEAL? And why don't more Baptists name their kids DUNCAN?

I'm not saying that the Democrats are super-villians trying to take over the world, but if they WERE, about now is the time that the Super Friends would swoop in

I'm a hunka hunka burnin' AWESOME!!!

So the USA Today reports that more and more people are approving of this health care bill? Isn't that like a women really liking the dress she just bought, until she gets the credit card bill?

Under the new Federal Healthcare Bill, if someone flips you off on the highway you have to flip them off back

If Jordin Sparks married Jeff Gordon and took a job heading the security team at a Borden Milk Plant, she would be Borden's Warden Jordin Gordon

In the New American Bible, the Anti-Christ is referred to as "Bizarro Jesus"

If Summer Glau married Johnny Winter and then helped Autumn De Wilde escape from prison, the headline would say "Summer Winter Springs Autumn"

When has progress ever been made anywhere in history without tons of people getting pissed off?

In that nursery rhyme Pop Goes The Weasel, did the weasel explode?

While I like to be supportive of my friends, I don't see the use of feeding into someone's delusion that they're wearing an invisible parachute when they're about to jump out of an actual airplane.

What if it was true that there was a purpose for everything, and a plan for your life including all the screw-ups and missed opportunities and mistakes that you've ever made, and what if you were exactly at the time and place in history and in the universe that God needed you to be, and what if you had everything you n...eeded to fulfill your purpose, right now at this moment precisely where you are?

Giving is easy because we give from our strength and our abundance; it takes a certain courage to accept help. Take what is offered with grace and gratitude, allow others to be a blessing and to serve God's purpose, and leave no room in your heart for shame or regret or stubborn pride.

If I could sit down with the producers of the show Lost and ask them just one question, it would be "Huh?"

True fact: Viagra was invented by Dr. Hardin Cox

Thank you for accepting my friend request Monica Booker, you are now on the express train to AWESOME!!!

The title of last night's Law & Order episode, "Four Cops Shot"...I guess if a show's been on for 20+ years, they run out of episode titles

Everyone has good and bad instincts; we all know what's right and are tempted, at times, to do wrong anyway. We define ourselves not by the instincts that we have, but by which ones we choose to follow. Character is determined not by what we accomplish, but by what we attempt, and how often; not by the obstacles we enc...ounter, but in how we faced them. Persevere. Don't surrender.

What if there was a hippy who was a neat freak?

If Ally Sheedy married Muhammad Ali, and then started a free tax service for people who couldn't afford it, she could call it Ally Ali's Income Free

Congratulations, America! Congress is giving us all a free colonoscopy!

I'm not putting up with any socialized medicine! If this passes, I'm moving to Canada!

I just posted something on your wall to see if you got the text I sent earlier asking you to check your voicemail following up to the email I sent you. Did you get it?

I fear for my children, but not for my children's children, because I don't believe that children should be having children

I think this healthcare bill would have gone over better if they'd taken it one step at a time, like say, socialized podiatry. And then when people complain, they say, look, the government already takes care of your feet, right? And then socialized dentistry, socialized pediatrics, etc. Of course there would be sociali...zed proctology, because we're all gonna get it in the end.

I asked the Magic 8 Ball if I would have a good day and it cracked open and leaked blue stuff all over me. Sarcasm doesn't suit you, Magic 8 Ball.

If you can run fast enough you won't need to hide

Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver.

Most of the people I know who are celebrating the passage of the healthcare bill are just the type to get a pre-approved credit card in the mail and think they won the lottery

But if from there you seek the LORD your God, you will find him if you look for him with all your heart and with all your soul. (Deuteronomy 4:29)

I don't like the idea of socialized medicine because I know it will bankrupt us in very short order and it expands government involvement in our lives, but I've been laid off 4 times in five years and if I ever get sick it would ruin me financially. The healthcare bill sucks and I'm against it but I haven't heard any o...ther plans to even address the problem. Why is that?

If General Schwarzkopf retired and took a job working the door at a Salt Lake City hotel, he would be Stormin' Norman the Mormon Doorman

OK so the cool thing now is, for people named "Alexander" to be called "Xander" and people named "Christopher" to be called "Topher", so I say if someone is named "Joshua" we just call him "Ua"

Was there ever really a person named Shenanigans? Because I bet he liked to party.

Don't you wish your boyfriend was AWESOME!! like me?

If by giving up a lesser happiness one may behold a greater one, let the wise man give up the lesser happiness in consideration of the greater happiness. The Dhammapada

Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, and I can introduce that in a legal case against you to establish a pattern of criminal behavior

If I ever had a pet Manatee that was giant-sized, I would name him "O" so that everywhere we went, people would say "O, the Huge Manatee!"

Remember that guy you knew in school who was too cool for you? I'm still too cool for you.

The bus driver tells me I'm special

Believing without acting on your faith is like going to medical school and then not practicing medicine

Rolled out of bed this morning and ran out the door at 6:00 am to unload and distribute boxes at the church, wearing the same clothes I slept in, unshaved, coffee breath...no big deal, right? And then wound up standing next to this knock-out (and single) woman from Angelfood Ministries all morning. Now I'm home and cle...aned up and banging my head into the table muttering Stupid, stupid, stupid....

You know who I feel sorry for? All the millions of people who lived their whole lives and died without ever having had a chance to know me.

If someone is only attracted to homeless people, would that make them a hobosexual?

I tried to reason with the chickens, but they balked

Why don't people eat swans?

Faith is not being like a gerbil on a wheel, running constantly and getting nowhere by your own effort; rather, faith is a path we choose to an Unknown destination, alternately both peaceful and strenuous, by which we never go unaided. Be encouraged. Rest, but don't turn back.

It occurred to me today that we're closer to the future envisioned by "The Terminator" than the one in "Back To The Future"

My 13 yr old son has a girlfriend. I told him not to be too upset if she's totally into him one day and then acts like he doesn't exist the next, and if she pouts and he asks her what's wrong and she says "Nothing," then just walk away until she's done pouting. I may have just saved him 40 years of suffering.

If I was an adman, I would make a commercial that said "Drink Beer - Because, technically, drinking is the first step"

Guilt and regret look back at a past that can't be changed; fear and anxiety look forward to a future that doesn't exist. Do what you can today, and let that be enough.

If lightning strikes the symphony, you don't want to be anywhere near the conductor

She told me she wasn't involved with anyone, but of course she wasn't counting self-involved

This week, someone actually told me that she was "deeper than most people". I said "Well, it is getting pretty deep in here."

Let's all take a lesson from the spork, a utensil that tries to be all things to everyone and winds up being not much good for anything

Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line

I'm going to an 11-Step Support Group for people dealing with denial. We skip that first step.

When I win a hundred million dollars in the lottery I'm going to pick out someone I don't like, go buy the houses on either side of where they live, and rent both houses out for free to crazy people

I've totally run out of things to say. Ha Ha just kidding.

Hello, hi, how are you?

When I read the Bible, it seems like the only ones Jesus ever had any problems with were the religious people who thought they knew God and were telling everyone else what to believe and how to live

Thank you for accepting my friend requests, Nick Sasso and Roshini Shiltsova, that light at the end of the tunnel? That's my AWESOME!! Prepare to be blown away!!

In 1861, as South Carolina's State Legislature met to draft legislation to secede from the Union, a Southern journalist in Charleston wrote "South Carolina is too small to be a proper Republic, and too large to be a proper insane asylum"

Why do pirates always have hook-hands and wooden legs and eye patches? You never see cowboys riding around with body parts missing, or knights or ninjas or explorers or Vikings. But pirates are always missing body parts, what's that about? Yo-ho a pirate's life for me? I don't think so.

I was told by a FB friend this week "If you posted a status that said 'The Sky is blue', you'd have 15 comments and 20 people would click 'Like'..." I don't believe that that is actually true although, the sky really is blue.

If I worked on a starshp, I wouldn't like being refered to as "Number One" although I suppose its better than being "Number Two"

It's hard sometimes to know who your real friends are, but you just have to ask yourself a few basic questions. Such as - Can other people see and hear them? Are they normal size, and not really tiny living inside your walls? Do they email you and call you on the phone, and not send secret messages to your brain? If you answered yes, then that's a true friend. Otherwise, sorry, you probably should adjust your meds.

Embrace your inner AWESOME!!!

Sometimes we don't get to choose between good and bad; our only options are bad and worse. There will always be people who second-guess you and judge you. Ignore them. Do your best. Trust yourself. Don't look back, and don't be discouraged.

You know you've been a single parent too long when you yell at your kids for not eating over the sink

My boss says I can't go sleeveless on casual Fridays, but I am taking a stand for my Constitutional Right to Bare Arms

Thank you for accepting my friend request Karin Menke Dronenburg, and welcome to the Wonderful World of AWESOME!!!

When someone who is not awesome tries to trick me into doing something and I catch them at it because I am AWESOME!!! then I just laugh at them partly for thinking they were awesome like me, but mostly because they aren't AWESOME!!!

When an Irish dude talks about the road rising up to meet you....why do I always imagine him stumbling out of a bar and falling on his face?

There once was a man who built bridges for a living, and he had devoted years of his life to one particular bridge that collapsed before it was even completed, and he never got over it.

Every time someone claims to see the face of Jesus in a waterstain or a piece of toast or whatever, I wonder if it's not really Eric Clapton's face

This morning I woke up and a warm breeze was wafting through the window, and the joyful sounds of bird song filled the air, and as I lay there smiling and peaceful I thought how wonderful and magical it would be if every molecule in the universe bent to my will and all of time and space was mine to command.

Cheez Its are just all right with me, Cheez Its are just all right oh yeah

On Saint Patrick's Day, remember: Wherever you find four Irishmen, you'll find a fifth

It turns out a conservative Democrat is more liberal than a liberal Republican

I'm not for gay rights or women's rights; I'm for human rights. And I'm not for social justice or racial equality or religious tolerance; I'm for justice and equality and tolerance. When one person is treated unjustly, then we all have to live in a world that allows injustice; when one person acts with compassion, then... suffering is diminished. If you're looking for purpose and meaning, just look around you.

You know the old man who bumped his head and didn't get up in the morning? And Jack fell down and broke his crown? And Humpty Dumpty? How many children's rhymes begin with massive head trauma?

Someone told me that the Bible was just myths and fables, and I reminded her that the reason we read myths and fables is because there is truth in them, and we learn from them

I think "Lesbians At The Prom" would be a good name for a all-girl punk group

It seems like almost all of my adult life has been spent looking for work, and technology jobs are more scarce now than they were during the Great Depression

Jesus loves you, and Buddha finds you strangely attractive

Learn to pick your battles, and if some maniac is charging at you with a knife, pick that one

Someone tried to convert me today

I have a friend who is in her 60s and she plays Farmville and every time her status says she found a chicken, I click on it and it says "All of her eggs have been claimed" and I keep thinking, Seriously?

Enemies are just friends who want to kill you

Guess what everyone??? The sky is blue!!!

I was crazy about my kindergarten teacher, Miss Wells, but it didn't work out. She said she didn't think of me "in that way". But even now when I hear that song "B-I-N-G-O" I get weepy. That was kind of "our song."

I know its difficult but try not to love me too much

Someone called me "wise" the other day and it wasn't even followed by the word "ass"

Leviticus 11:10 says that eating shrimp is an abomination, but I really like shrimp

If I owned a landscaping company, I would call it Lawn Order. And I would drive around in a Jeep Cherokee and call it my Lawn Order: SUV. And every year I would sponsor a camping trip for paroled juvenile offenders and call it Lawn Order: Criminals In Tents

just had to explain to my 13 year old son that the song by Stevie Wonder is called "Superstition" and not "Science Fiction"

If the tea party had an environmental splinter group, it would be the Green Tea Party

So it's Albert Einstein's birthday

A recent study has shown that collie owners are statistically more prone to falling down wells

Amazed and perplexed, they asked one another, "What does this mean?" Some, however, made fun of them and said, "They have had too much wine." Then Peter stood up with the Eleven, raised his voice and addressed the crowd: "Fellow Jews and all of you who live in Jerusalem, let me explain this to you; listen carefully to... what I say. These men are not drunk, as you suppose. It's only nine in the morning! (Acts 2: 12-15)

My spirit guide is a marshmallow peep

Tonight on 20/20 the preview line says "A 7 Yr Old girl's hallucinations compel her to act dangerously"...I wonder if her last name is Schieber, Stapleton, Boland or Noonan?

I am taking applications for some new friends. Apply in person. Dress appropriately. Bring references from three current or previous friends. Must have your own transportation.

Why you no talky talky?

Even though I know Law & Order has been on for 150 years already, I think the current cast of the show is the best they've ever had.

If Captain Hook ever gets serious about getting rid of the Lost Boys and Tinkerbell, he should invest in some giant bug zappers

Isn't it odd that we are always encouraging children to use their imaginations, and to open their minds to all kinds of possibilities, and then we get annoyed when they use this ability to be afraid of moinsters in their closets?

Dear Guy WIth The Permed Mullet That I Saw At Wal Mart Yesterday, I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this, but the rumours about Wham breaking up are true

The best thing about living in America is, unlike other countries in the world, kids can't bring water pistols to school

My friend Larry told me that one thing he learned in the army is, never bring a knife to a gun fight. I told him, I've never been in the army, but why would you even go to a gun fight?

If I ever win the lottery, I promise you right now I will never forget any of you poor, working class people who used to be my friends

The stronger a person's political opinions, the angrier they generally are

Thank you for accepting my friend request Andy Dunn, Please keep your hands in the car at all times! Next stop: AWESOME!!

If they ever do a remake of Children of the Corn, I hope Orville Redenbacher is in it, becuase he scares the crap out of me.

Drugs are not the answer. They only make you forget what questions you were asking, and then laugh inappropriately

I know that there is electricity because I have a lightbulb that's made to light by it; I know that there are radio waves because I have a radio that's made to receive them; I know that there is a God because I have a spirit that's made to recognize and seek Him

Thank you for adding me as a friend Robert E Luecke, you've just bought a one-way ticket on the Express Train to AWESOME!!!

Got some good news today! Everyone guess what it was?

Thank you for accepting my friend request Naomi Nossaman Friedrich - You've just won a lifetime supply of AWESOME!!!

Will you marry me?

The first step is admitting that you're AWESOME!!!

Don't be stupid

I know for a fact that you can't make all your dreams come true

Telling a drug addict to "Just Say No" is like telling a schizophrenic to "Just Chill Out"

Who cleans up after all the giant animals on Sesame Street? And why doesn't anyone walk around going "What is that smell?"

I was against gay marriage until someone explained that it wasn't going to be mandatory

Though one should conquer a thousand times a thousand men in battle, he who conquers his own self, is the greatest of all conquerers. (Sahassavagga v103)

Today my son Indiana told his teacher that he was named after the famous explorer Indiana Jones

You can't really give your life to God and then complain about what He does with it

If there were aliens who came to earth to enrich our lives with technology and treasures beyond our imagining, but they had octopus arms growing out of their faces and smelled like poop and were all drippy and squishy like raw liver, and all they asked in return was that I, personally, go live on their home planet, I wouldn't go. Because, gross.

First of all, I think serial killers should be put to death. But if there was a really neat serial killer who had to everything put in its proper place, I think before they are executed they should be made to share a cell with a really sloppy serial killer who leave his stuff all over the place

You know how in Narnia, all the animals and even the trees and the rivers talk and have personalities? Wouldn't that kind of make it awkward at dinner time, because don't most of those things eat each other?

If anyone ever asks me if I'm a spy, I think I'll just look at my feet and say "I'm not allowed to say," and then they'll think I'm really a spy even though I didn't lie about it

Dear Paul McCartney, Do I have to actually LOOK at all the lonely people?

If this movie was about an Amazon Princess and a super-powered alien, it could be called "She's Out Of My Justice League"

The last time I went to a dance, everyone backed up and formed a circle around to watch me. I thought I was doing good, until someone stepped forward to make sure I didn't swallow my tongue.

Encouragement, help, compassion and kindness - These things are like light. Even a little bit is good. If you value what you contribute, you'll always want to give more, and the light grows.

I believe that there is a purpose and a plan, and I believe that, despite what you might think at times, you have everything you need to fulfill your purpose. Don't be discouraged.

You know how a hardcore alcoholic will get so desperate to get drunk that he'll drink mouthwash or vanilla extract or hand sanitizer just to get a buzz? That's kind of how I am, when I can't watch Law & Order I will turn on CSI

accidentally locked myself out of my Happy Place

I think I would be the worst cop ever, because every story I told would end with "...and so that's when I shot him."

Its been suggested that the Federal government be run like a corporation. But wouldn't they have to just shut themselves down?

Faith is not what you believe, its's how you live. Eternity is not where you go, it's where you are.

No matter what promises they make or papers they sign, people don't belong to each other; they have to choose each other every day. And I think its the same way with God, that every day we choose our own relationship with Him. And if in the end that means we have less security than we like, it also means that no one is ever truly "lost" and that everyone has the same chance every day to make things right.

I have this sinking feeling that I'm going to say something incredibly stupid

It's funny how people who say it's funny how certain things are funny, usually aren't funny and aren't even meant to be funny. That's funny.

I guess it really is impossible to get fired from a government job, because people would get fired from McDonald's for some of the crap they do at the office on the show 24

If I see Halle Berry in person, I'm going to have someone introduce me to her and tell them my name is Harry Perry, so that they'll have to go "Halle Berry, Harry Perry....Harry Berry, Halle Berry.."

You know why Superman doesn't have a sidekick like Robin or Wonder-Girl or Aqualad? It's because Superman is so freakin' awesome that Batman and Wonder Woman and Aquaman are his sidekicks!!! I bet you never thought of that!!

When my boys misbehave, I threaten to legally change their names to "Mary" and "Wussbag"

GOD!!! I am officially in the middle of the Friday That Wouldn't End!!!

Spring is in the air! The birds are singing and the flowers are in bloom! It's such a magical time, and if I had just one wish during this magical season of birth and renewal, it would be for every man and woman to bow before me and serve me as the absolute ruler of the entire planet.

Today this dude called me and he was like "Dude!" and I was all "Duuuuude..." and he was like "Dude??" and I was all *click*

Sometimes we pray for stuff and then we get it and then we go, "Oh, awesome, I didn't need to pray for that after all, it happened anyway!" I like to think that God is pretty even-tempered but bet that annoys him.

Today, Republicans lawmakers introduced legislation making blue the official color of the sky. Democratic opponents immediately attacked the plan, calling it irresponsible and unfair to the colors gray and silver. In related news, Republican minority leaders are preparing opposition to the Democratic "Puppies Are Cute"... bill, saying that kittens are smaller and cuter. More on these stories as they develop.

I can't talk to you right now I'm too busy being AWESOME!!!

Over-dramatic people should all be rounded up and sent off to live on their own island somewhere

Remember that part of the movie "Die Hard" at the beginning when he gets on the airplane carrying a concealed weapon?

So every year we celerate St. Patrick for being the guy who brought religion to Ireland! Because that's worked out so well for them! Why not a day to celebrate the guy who brought liquor to Native Americans, or gunpowder to the Middle East? Seriously?

Whenever you get discouraged, always look to Heaven. Unless you're driving, or operating heavy equipment

If Willie Mays owned a farm where he grew corn, and then every year right before June he had a corn maze, he could call it Mays' Mays' Maize Maze

Some people believe that God made guardian angels to watch over us and keep us safe. But wouldn't it have been easier to just not make people so stupid?

You can always tell who your real friends are by asking other people if they can see them too. If not, sorry, that's an imaginary friend.

I think kids should be allowed to express themselves any way they choose, just not to me

When people argue about which religion is true and whose beliefs are better, I think, to God, it must seem like fleas arguing over whose the tallest

It's always darkest before the Apocalypse

I think Victoria's Secret is that she is really into chicks

People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. Or go to the bathroom.

I think God cares more about how you live than what you believe, and I think it's more important what you do than what you think

If you read my Facebook and you think I'm AWESOME!! come on, honey, let me know

You know how when you're bowling and your ball starts to go to either side toward the gutter, you start to lean to one side like you think that will help? I think if you were a Jedi, it would actually work that way.

When Etta James had kids running around, did they call her Etta Mommy?

Q: Why don't men carry purses? A: So that when they walk away, women can check out the size of their wallets

If you hate something, hit it with a shovel. If it comes back to you, run like hell.

The last woman I dated sold magazines for a living, but I couldn't really get serious with her. She had too many issues.

Guilt and regret look backward at a past that can't be changed; anxiety and worry look forward to a future that doesn't even exist. Take each day for what it is and don't burden yourself with stuff that doesn't matter.

Eat well, stay fit, and then die anyway

Faith is a mountain to be climbed, and not a flower to be picked; Wisdom is a tool to be used in service, and not a treasure to be hoarded. Wherever you are in your journey, God is calling you further on, to a deeper understanding and a richer faith than what you have. Don't despair. Rest, but don't turn back.

Without form there is no desire. Without desire there is tranquillity. In this way all things would be at peace ~Lao Tzu

Some encouraging news about Seth, whose surgery went well!! Let's keep praying for this family!!

To me, Despair is not when you lose Hope. It's when you forget that there even is such a thing as Hope.

I used to think that racists were pure Evil. Now I think they can't be pure Evil, because they have to leave a whole lot of room for their Stupid as well.

Seems like nothing ever come to no good up on Choctaw Ridge

I think the richest guy in the whole Flintstones universe is probably the one who trains those little birds to live inside all their electronics

I am not kidding you guys, I am listening to something on Pandora called "John Denver Unplugged"!!!! Did anyone ever listen to John Denver and say "I wonder what he sounds like unplugged?"

I don't know why all those motivational guys want me to take charge of my own dentistry. I prefer to let trained professionals do it.

No matter what they say, chicks will always choose a cliff-diving shirtless werewolf over a sparkly androgynous vampire

Muskrat Susie, Muskrat Sam, do the jitterbug out in Muskrat Land

People can change. I have always believed that, and I will til the day I die.

Watch out! You might get what you're after. Cool babies, strange but not a stranger. I'm an ordinary guy!

So the attractions at Seaworld are eating people? Is it just me, or is that the plot to Jurassic Park?

Why the Fuss?

According to scientists, there does seem to be an upper limit as to how intelligent mankind may be. Unfortunately, there doesn't seem to be the same limit on stupidity.

Why do people clearly enunciate and repeat their phone numbers when they leave a voicemail, but then when they say their names they just mumble?

Children are open to the world as its presented to them, without judgement or reservation. Adults are the ones who install their filters, their sense of what's proper and acceptable versus what's not. This could keep a child safe and happy, or it can really mess them up.

If I was President of Egypt, everywhere I went I would have them play "Walk Like An Egyptian"

Jack Bauer, John McClane, Batman? Sorry, Jason Bourne kicks all of their asses.

I was helping Quinn with his homework, reviewing the causes of WWI, and it occurred to me that if he lived with his mom, she would just tell him it was all my fault

If someone is obsessed with being like Iron Man, would we call that person Ironic?

Does anyone else think that Aerosmith song is a little creepy, where Steven Tyler just wants to stay awake all night and watch his girlfriend while she sleeps?

When Buddhists or Hindus get in a fight, whose name do they say when they get mad?

In the last couple years, a lot of people's illusions about security have been shattered, and while its frustrating not being able to look forward with any certainty, it sure is nice to know that as of today, all my bills are paid and my kids are fed and we're all warm and relatively safe and happy

If you laugh as much as you breathe, you won't be able to breathe

I was walking through the living room while the kids were watching Nickelodeon, and I swear I heard a commercial for something called The Littlest Sweatshop. I guess the economy is in real trouble.

If I could elect any fictional character President of the US, I would choose Jack McCoy.

All Olympics are Special

Indy made Hamburger Helper and toast for dinner. I told him he didn't need toast because there was noodles in the Hamburger Helper. He said that people serve garlic bread with pasta, why not toast with noodles? I couldn't argue with such exquisite logic

Since when do Canadians play hockey?

If you're having a jolly time with Central American law enforcement, you could say Feliz Belize Police

Do you, like, LIKE her, or do you, like, LIKE like her?

Until they invented paper and scissors, I bet it took forever to decide stuff, because in caveman days I bet everyone kept choosing "Rock"

When it comes time for my 15 minutes of fame, I hope I'm not asleep or in the bathroom or something

(Genesis 1:31) And God saw every thing that he had made , and, behold, it was AWESOME!!!

If there really was such a thing as an invisible man, I bet people would bump into him a lot

If I were a superhero, I think I would just want to be called "Man"

I Fought The Law & The Law Won (Actually I Just Slapped The Law Really Hard And Ran Away)

I'm a fan of intergender relationships

Before you ask someone to marry you on the Jumbotron in a sports arena, be reasonably certain that they'll say yes

I want to see a movie where the action hero is a competitive ice dancer by day, and a badass ninja superspy by night

You better get ready to, get ready to JUMP! Down on Jump Street!

I'm going back through the old neighborhood today when I go to Emory. Wish me luck!

True happiness comes from within. So does a bunch of other stuff that's mostly really gross.

I love those who love me, and those who seek me find me. Proverbs 8:17

On a cold and gray Chicago mornin' a poor little baby child is born in the ghetto

When you're a single parent, you're the good cop and the bad cop

I can be AWESOME!!! all by myself

My cupcake runneth over

They say love is blind. At my age, I hope they're right.

I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing towards you

I think having a lot of money would be kind of like having super-powers

If you're lost you can look and you will find me, Time after Time

Man shall not live by bread alone, but by peanut butter and jelly also shall he live

My cup is overflowing today! Can someone send me some paper towels?

Does it feel that your life's become a catastophe? Oh, it has to be for you to grow, boy. And when you look through the years and see what you could have been, or what you might have been, if you had had more time

I used to dream of tropical islands and girls in bikinis, now I dream of not getting laid off and having affordable insurance

At some point you stop looking for someone to complete you, and you just look for someone to start you.

People were offended that Janet was half-naked, but I'm an optimist. I was offended that she was half-dressed.

Cardiomegaly is a condition wherein the heart enlarges in a cardiothoracic ratio of more than 0.50. This is what the Grinch suffered from.

If Outback had a beauty pageant, the winner would be Miss Steak

Alligators eat their young, but for us, that's frowned upon

Justice has a name, and it's Kevin

Pleased to meet you, you are now on the Express Train to AWESOME!!!

If my life was a movie, half the songs on the soundtrack would come from "Breakfast In America"

No matter how fast you row your boat, life is not a dream

If a dog flies to Atlanta from California, doesn't he lose like a week and a half?

Why isn't Whyn't a word? And what about Amn't? Those should be words. Does anyone have any thoughts on this?

If you had a theater and installed THE CLAPPER on all the lights, then every time there was an ovation the lights would blink on and off....AWESOME!!!

I'm thinking that if Batman's butler Alfred ever asks for a raise, he better give it to him, because that's one guy he probably doesn't want pissed off at him. Does anyone have any thoughts on this?

Meet me at the place by the thing where we went that time

Contrary to what you might think, it is possible to share too much on your Facebook status

If I ever win the lottery, I won't quit my job, but I will probably get fired the very next time someone asks me a stupid question

Why doesn't it thunder and lightning during a snowstorm?

It's a good thing Simba was a lion, because for every other animal in the food chain, the circle of life really sucks

If Pete Townsend was a chef, I bet he would smash up the kitchen every time he finished cooking a meal

Dear Tiger Woods: You don't have to apologize to me. We're cool.

I want a lego set of Nakotomi Plaza from Die Hard

How come when Rahm Emmanuel called Democrats F-word R-words, everyone got upset about the R-word, but no one got upset about the F-word, and also, no one argued that the Democrats were NOT R-words?

Does Wonder Woman's invisible plane ever have to be washed?

Why isn't indifferent the opposite of different?

Today I met a woman who was so incredibly hot that I thought I was the only one who could see her

You know how when you're in the car with a really bad driver and your leg gets sore from jamming it down on the imaginary brake pedal that you have in the passenger's side? That's what the last month or so has been like for me, stressing about things that I have no control over. Break's over.

Is "Arrogant American" the new politically correct term?

God I need a life

The truth might sting, but not as much as a lie that's so transparent it makes me think you don't even care enough to make up something believable

If there was a group of women who got together to confront their children about their addictions, they would be called the Mothers of Intervention

If I ever got to meet and shake hands with the President, I would tell him he had a booger on his nose, because then he'd be all self-conscious and I would be AWESOME!!

When I was little and got something in my eye, grown-ups said don't rub it. The best thing to do, they said, was to cry, because that would wash out whatever it was. So, DON'T do the one thing that your instincts tell you to do, but DO the thing that always told you to never do at any other time. This is what messed me up as a kid.

Whenever I didn't want to finish my vegetables, mom always reminded me of the starving kids in China who didn't have enough to eat, and whenever I didn't want to go to bed, she reminded me of all the insomniacs in China

Karma is not a tool used to wish revenge on other people, nor is it an economy of saving "points" to exchange for good fortune; rather, it's the totality of being, the expression of mind, body and spirit, reflected in the Christian teaching of reaping what you sow, and "where your treasure is, there is your mind also."... Be careful invoking "karma" against others; that's just an expression of your own.

Here's an amazing bit of trivia: None of the members of Abba spoke a word of English, and had to learn phoenetically how to sing the lyrics to their songs without knowing what they meant

If I was super rich I would have a beauty pageant for clumsy women and call it the Miss Fortune Pageant

There's something wrong in a world where uber-hot supermodels have eating disorders because of self-image issues, but a toothless hillbilly with back hair will yell at Simon Cowell for 20 minutes about how all of her dreams are going to come true if she just follows her heart

It's a shame that there's really no way to measure how much I don't care

Everyone needs a little pat on the back once in a while, especially when they're choking

In our faith, we wait on grand things from God; In His grace, our faith is the grandest thing of all

Is an Olympic athlete who participates in the luge called a LOOGEE?

Going to Vancouver to get the gold medal in AWESOME!!!

When I was a kid, we played with lawn darts, and no one got hurt

I bet Jack Bauer could put Baby in the corner

When John Hurt plays tennis, does he leave his clothes in The Hurt Locker?

I got all the way into work before I realized there was a winter weather advisory out for the whole Metro Area. God I need to make some friends or something!

I saw a bumper sticker that said "Honk if you love Jesus" so I honked and the guy flipped me off

People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. Also, they should get dressed in the basement.

Some say that the notion of the romantic coupling originated with Rennaissance poets, replacing the tradition of arranged marriages, but I believe its an emotional expression of the genetic mandate to procreate that ensures our survival as a species - which ironically, due to dwindling resources and industrial encroachment, is the very thing that now casts our survival in doubt. So, Happy Valentine's Day everybody!

The cashier at McDonald's was totally hitting on me this morning, it was so obvious the way she refused to make eye contact or even acknowledge that I was there, that she was trying so hard cover up the smoldering desire she felt

If Fiona Apple started making shoes, she would be an Apple Cobbler

Sad news today, a waitress at the Waffle House was hit by a truck. Witnesses say she was scattered, smothered and covered. (Note: No actual Waffle House waitresses were harmed during the making of this joke)

My divorce was so contentious that Indy's first words were "Custodial Parent"

Let me tell you how you feel about that

If I want to join the Justice League, do I have to go through Superhuman Resources?

No offense, ok, but all these groups that say "Proud to be a Christian"...Aren't Christians supposed to NOT be proud? Isn't pride a sin?

If Descartes had written children's books, then the Little Engine would have gone up the hill saying "I think, therefore I can"

Signs that I watch too much TV: In the early 90's I waited tables at a Waffle House and a homeless woman used to come in and sit at a booth by herself, but she was talking to someone who wasn't there. So I used to call her "Sam"

If you ever feel like you need to take the law into your own hands, be careful, because that may be an undercover cop you're messing with

I'm glad my name isn't Booker because everyone would probably call me "Booger", but then if I was a cop, everytime I arrested a woman I would have my partner say "Book her, Booker!" and it would ALWAYS be funny

There's sugar-free soda and sugar-free candy and even sugar-free sugar for your coffee, so why is there no sugar-free cereal?

Happy Valenstein's Days

I think the next book in the Twilight series is called "Vampires Schmampires"

It seems like David Banner should go around wearing pants that are too big for him, with suspenders to hold them up

Whenever I hear people say they're "Playing Catch Up" I always think, Why are they PLAYING? Why don't they just say they're catching up? And then I think it sounds like they're playing KETCHUP and I wonder if they play mustard or relish too.

Sometimes, when I hear religious people debate over who's right, it's like watching fleas argue over who's taller

If you name your baby Sarah Connor, you're just asking for trouble

I hear they're going to remake the show "The Fall Guy" only this time, instead of being a stuntman, he's just going to be really clumsy

If a thing is true then its truth is self-evident. Scientific work is judged on its merits; no one questions the scientist's motives. Why then, when a spiritual or moral truth is revealed, do we want to know if the speaker is Christian or Buddhist, Muslim or Atheist, without considering the statement itself? Our God is a God of possibilities, not limitations. Let truth be true, and accept it as you find it.

If I opened a bait shop near Three Mile Island, I would call it Nuclear Fishin'

If God never gives us more than we can handle, why do we have potholders?

If my job was to deliver bottles of glue on a motorcycle, would that be considered a Fast Paste Work Environment?

When George W. was President, we had global warming. Now with Barack Obama, the entire Eastern seaboard is shut down by five feet of snow. Good job so far, Dems.

They're saying that Washington, DC is completely frozen and everything is gridlocked and nothing is getting done. Also, it's snowing really bad.

And now I say to you, Do nothing to these men, but let them be: for if this teaching or this work is of men, it will come to nothing. But if it is of God, you will not be able to overcome them, and you are in danger of fighting against God. (Acts 5: 38-39)

A truckload of Viagra was stolen last night. Four hardened criminals escaped.

They say if you die in your dream then you'll actually die. But that's not true. Last night I dreamed that I tie-dyed a shirt and this morning my shirt was still plain.

I don't know any Star Trek trivia. EVerything I know about Star Trek is real, significant, and important. It's not trivia.

My prediction for the final episode of Lost is that its going to turn out Jenna Elfman is head of the Dharma Initiative

I thought she might be bipolar, but bipolars have good days

My favorite cause is beCAUSE I'm freakin' AWESOME!!!

If people could fly like Superman, I wonder how many actually would? Because most people don't even like to walk and, given a choice, would probably never get off the couch. It doesn't seem like havin the ability to fly would change that tendency towards inaction.

If Roger Daltrey wrote a song about the process by which some lower-level amphibians and mollusks regrow severed limbs, he would call it "Talkin' Bout Regeneration"

Why do people say "Word of Mouth"? Wouldn't it be more efficient and just as accurate to say "Mouth"?

Love your neighbor, just don't talk about it.

I don't understand it when people say they've been through hell and back, because why would you go back?

If I see someone steal a bolt of cloth, does that make me a material witness?

To make Olympic weightlifting more competitive, I think we should grease the floors

When people draw pictures of God, why does He always look like Clapton?

My ex-wife listed her occupation as "Controller". I think she got Occupation confused with Personality Type.

I started to realize how pessimistic I am when I said the glass was half empty, and it was full all the way

Love your neighbor doesn't mean pretend to be friends with everyone.

Obama wants to outlaw scary movies as part of the War on Terror

I miss those Dateline NBC "To Catch A Predator" shows. Maybe they should combine it with a show about immigration and call it "Aliens Vs. Predators"

Remembering a friend today. She's ten years gone but never forgotten.

Got kind of emotional this morning throwing away the last empty bottle of Incredible Hulk Bubble Bath after my youngest said he was too old for Incredible Hulk Bubble Bath anymore. I could almost hear that sad, dinkly piano music as David Banner walked down the street hitch-hiking. Goodbye, old friend.

WHo are you? Who who who who? Isn't that the song they sang at the Grinch Christmas?

How geeky is it to NOT watch the Super Bowl but DVR it so that I can watch the commercials later?

The reason I stopped playing competitive sports at such a young age is because the coaches kept saying "I can't hear you!" even though I was yelling as loud as I could, and once I figured out that none of them were hearing impaired, it just got annoying

There's only one thing that offends me on TV. You can mock my race, my religion, my politics, my nationality, and I don't care. I am offended when people think it's funny to kick a guy in the marbles, because that's not funny ever.

When people say they respect your religious beliefs, they usually mean it in the same way that they respect your right to own a handgun, trusting that you know how it works and won't attack you with it

Some say that the notion of the romantic coupling began with troubadors and poets in the Middle Ages, but I contend it's a genetic imperative necessary for the propogation of our species, and one that is not only obsolete but also delf-defeating in light of dwindling resources. Happy Valentine's Day.

This morning I am walking around in a superhero t-shirt tucked into my sweatpants. Stand in line, ladies!

Cheerleaders are great for football and basketball, but I need some cheerleaders to follow me around during the day

I think David Banner's problem was not so much the radioactivity, but the fact that he would get that pissed off every time he had to change a tire or didn't have a quarter for the pay phone

Don't talk to me until I've had my morning AWESOME!!!

I have my ex-wife's mugshot as a screensaver on my home computer. It's how I like to remember her.

If everyone else jumped off the Empire State Building, I would, but only after they all went, because I'd be afraid that, if I went first, they'd just laugh and go home

Why do creepy stalker-type people think that being creepy and threatening will lead to a long-term happy relationship? Are there grandmas out there saying "Yeah, I remember when your grandpa climbed in my window, cut up all my teddy bears and wrote 'Die b***' in lipstick on the mirror...That's when I knew he was my forever guy!"

Why do ghosts always open doors and move things out of place and make noise, and why are there no anal retentive ghosts who organzie your sock drawer and wash your dishes and clean up?

Dear women, If you really feel the need to play games, join a softball league and leave me alone. Thanks! Love, Mark

It doesn't seem like it's supposed to be this hard

Its great to know who you can count on. Its just as nice to know who you can't

The sun shines, the rain falls, the trees and plants grow, requiring nothing of us, giving warmth, light, shelter and life to all, without judgement or reservation - How can we then do any less? Act with compassion and kindness, give without questioning, and suffering diminishes.

Last week I read leading economists predict that gas was going up to $3.00 a gallon, this week it's down thirty cents a gallon. I think we hold psychics and palm-readers to a higher standard than the news media holds "economists" to!!

Where there is life, there is hope

Have you ever seen a chicken jump out a window or off the back of a truck, and then flap its wings like it thinks it can fly but it really can't fly and just falls to the ground? That's my theory of how the government operates.

Why aren't people from Germany called Germs?

If you're not bipolar, are you monopolar?

I think "Lost" would be much better if they added Klingons

If I could ask just one question to the President, I would say "Dude, WTH?"

If I was homeschooling my kids, I would spend a whole semester on nothing but Led Zeppelin

Who wants to be my Friend of The Day? Line forms to the right...

I don't have to prove you wrong to be right myself. You can be wrong all by yourself.

Please stop saying "hump day".

Has anyone ever considered how dumb it is to say "I see what you're saying..." ????

Looks like all those years of doing nothing are finally paying off

I tried looking on the bright side and it burned out my retinas

My name in Urban Dictionary, for whatever its worth: "the sexiest, smartest thing alive. derived from the bible "Mark" is a walking god. It would be an honor to know someone by this name. Should you ask something of him, he will know the perfect answer. It is for this reason that he is a lady pleaser." WHATEVER!!!

If one of my sons was in New Jersey and one was in jail, I would get the one out of New Jersey first.

Believe in yourself. Unless you're Santa Claus, then you're not real.

If you try, you might fail. But if you don't try, you'll definitely fail.

She broke up with me because she said I was too distant and emotionally unavailable, but I could really care less

One day I hope to break the 40-Minute Mile

It's always good to have goals. Unless you're a goalkeeper on a hockey team, then it's good to not have goals. And in hockey, they keep track of those.

The Atomic Weight of Cobalt is 58.93. It has one stable isotope.

Sometimes it seems like God and the Devil are playing a giant cosmic game of hackysack with me

I don't believe in fate, or destiny, except maybe the kind where you jump off a cliff I can believe that you're destined to eventually hit the ground, THAT kind of destiny I believe in.

Today at work this dude called up and he was like "Dude!" and I was all "Dude?" and so he was like "Duuuude..." and I was all *click*

I'm so sure

You know how on Dora the Explorer she'll ask a question and then stand there blinking and just waiting for an answer? That's kind of how I feel all the time.

There are medals and museums and monuments honoring the infantry, but there are none for the adultery

I have such an overwhelming love in my heart for all of mankind, except for all the jerks

From the mountain top, as far as you can see are other mountain tops, and it may be easy to forget that there are valleys in between; from the valley, the peaks may seem impossibly far away and unreachable. There is a time for everything. Endure.

The preacher on TV said that Wicca was the work of the devil, so I went outside and burned all my patio furniture

I don't know what you call "fear of dinosaurs" but I bet a lot of cavemen had it

I love those who love me, and those who seek me find me. Proverbs 8:17

I know that electricity is real because I have a home that is powered by it; I know that radio waves are real because I have a radio that receives them; and I know that God is real because I have a spirit made to recognize Him

I used to dream of tropical islands and girls in bikinis, but now I dream of affordable insurance and not getting laid off

I bet cavemen got frustrated playing Rock, Paper, Scissors, because they would always be choosing "Rock"

The town I live in is so small that every morning when I leave for work, the mayor comes out and changes the population sign on the highway

Thanks for the friend request Linda Brown - You've just bought a one-way ticket to AWESOME!!

Note to self: V is a magazine about fashion, NOT lizard invaders from space

I bet it's hard for rhinoceros's to kiss each other

Every time I hear about a really hot celebrity breaking up or divorcing, I always think "Yes! Now's my chance!" and then I think "Oh yeah, I'm just a normal doofus and I don't even know her!" and then I think something like, "I really like vanilla."

Don't Be Stupid

I wonder if the Flintstones play a video game called Dance Dance Evolution?

If they ever do a remake of Children of the Corn, I think Orville Redenbacher should be in it, because he scares the crap out of me

RIP Mr. Boland, a great dad and a great neighbor and a great guy. He called his son Googy and drove a green convertible and loved baseball.

If giant robots ever invade from outer space and take over the world, I'm just going to play some disco music and dance like a robot, and hopefully that'll fool them

I bet if one of those Eat More Chicken Cows ever went to a San Diego Padres game, that San Diego Chicken dude would clock him

One am. I have to be up in three hours. Just woken up by screaming kids. Screaming, as in, at each other - and they're teenagers, not babies

You hardly ever hear of people naming their kids Maureen anymore. I think it's because, whenever there's a war, the Maureens are the ones who always get deployed first

Be the person that you are in your heart, and don't let others decide how you feel about yourself. Live without fear or regret. Say what you mean without apology. Keep moving forward. Be awesome!!!

When I die, please, no elaborate funeral. Just cremate me and spread the ashes on a small flower bed. And then take the flowers and put them in a vase that looks like one of the robots from Mystery Science Theater, and then blast it into space, with a military salute of a thousand cannons going off while a 10,000 piece... orchestra plays the Batman theme. And have lots of grief counselors on hand. Because I'm awesome.

Most of the time when I say "I'm sorry" I'm being sarcastic in the "I'm sorry I must not have heard you correctly because I can't believe anyone would ever say anything that stupid" kind of way.

If I ever go into show business, I think a good stage name would be Sirius Bongwater

Thanks for accepting my friend request Jill Pellegrini - You've just won a lifetime supply of AWESOME!!!

How do you know if someone has Tourette's Syndrome, or they're just a jerk who blurts out random obscenities?

Paul then stood up in the meeting of the Areopagus and said: "...as I walked around and looked carefully at your objects of worship, I even found an altar with this inscription: 'to an unknown god.' Now what you worship as something unknown I am going to proclaim to you. "The God who made the world and everything in ...it is the LORD of heaven and earth and does not live in temples built by hands." (Acts 7:22-24)

I wonder if Thor or Wonder Woman go around trying to convert people to their religion?

I cried because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no AWESOME!!!

Tom Balog : "My goal is to be able to comment on all of Mark's statuses." Scott Piehler : "You're going to need a mobile app for that."

Sorry I was late to work this morning, but the highway was jammed with broken heroes on a last chance power drive.

I really do love my neighbors. It's the people two or three blocks over that I can't stand.

It's all over the second we ride up Troy's bucket

If you hate something, hit it with a shovel. If it comes back to you, run like hell.

WHy aren't there celebrities flocking to the gulf to help with clean-up, and organizing benefit concerts and making TV specials, like they did with Haiti and Katrina and 9/11?

I've given it a lot of thought, and I've decided that I think it would be less scary to have 100 giant killer robots take over the world, than to have a hundred million little tiny robots take over the world

When was the last time you heard someone say "I don't have an opinion on that"....??

I'm taking a class to learn how to look at small plastic airplanes and be able to tell you when they were made. Then I can tell everyone that I date models.

When someone talks about restoring traditional values to America, what traditions do they mean? Because I think we've made a lot of progress over the last 50 years, tearing down some of the walls that separated us based on race or gender, and I don't think tradition for its own sake is so wonderful

We can dance if we want to

I would be the Pope if there was a religion based on being AWESOME!!!

She told me that the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. I told her, I could really care less.

The word "morality" derives from the social mores within a community, and does not infer an objective, intractable set of standards, whether Divinely inspired or not. Civil and religious authority traditionally exists to hold a single standard of behavior, rather than encouraging individual introspection, withholding judgement of one another, and seeking God as He reveals Himself rather than as others present Him.

Reading the Diary of Anne Frank really makes me want to go kill me some Nazis

I'm going to watch that movie about Amelia Earheart but don't tell me how it ends, I want to be surprised

People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. Or go to the bathroom.

If someone who is very close to you dies and you're not quite ready to say goodbye, a good thing to do is go to the viewing wearing 3-D glasses, so that it looks like they're coming right at you out of the casket.

Wherever Mr. T goes, you can be sure that there are fools there, and that they need pitying

I wonder if the Mr. T Biography special on A&E talks about how, in later years, his career stalled when he found himself always being typecast as "the angry black guy with lots of jewelry and a mohawk"

I've shortened my resume down to just my name and contact information, and then the word AWESOME!! in big letters. Is anyone hiring?

If vampires can get killed by crosses and holy water, why don't they just go to Muslim countries?

My best friend called me and asked what I want for my birthday, and I said all I wanted was peace and kindness and compassion, and he laughed and said that might be a bit much to ask for, so I said THEN GET STUFFED, DORK!!!

You know how when you're dating someone and it's kind of casual and they say "I love you" and you don't quite know what to say? I've found the best response is to just kind of look at her and say "Ok, just calm down."

Thanks everyone for the birthday wishes!!! It was kind of overwhelming how many people posted on my wall!!

This week kicked my ass so bad that the surviving Beatles started a rumour I was dead

So, you know how there are men who make their living by dressing like and performing as women, and they always choose Cher or Bette Midler or Liza Minelli or Dolly Parton? I think, if there were women who dressed and performed as men, they would dress like John Denver or Michael Bolton or Barry Manilow or the Bee Gees

It doesn't bother me when I read that Obama took over 300M in campaign contributions from BP, or anything that that infers, because I expect that from politicians. What bothers me is all the people who will still defend him like that doesn't matter.

If you have a problem...if no one else can help...and if you can find them...maybe you can hire...The A- Team

Do I like it when people try to make their point by asking a question and then answering it themselves? Of course not. Am I doing it anyway just to annoy you? Absolutely!

You know how you find these strange connections on Facebook? I just found out that the daughter of a former co-worker is friend's with my nephew's fiance, isn't that weird?

I am off to my first morning volunteering at the Lawrenceville Cooperative Ministry, pretty cool stuff!

My divorce was so contentious that Indy's first words weren't "mommy" or "daddy", but "custodial parent"

I'm skipping church to go see The A-Team and I don't feel guilty about it!! And then this afternoon going to see Indy Schieber and Elle Fox-Weasley in a play

Why do frat boys who are drinking always hold their drinks up when someone takes a picture of them? Like they're saying "Hey, look at me, I'm drunk!" Dude, we KNOW you're drunk, no sober person would ever get that haircut.

Why do people think that, since we put a man on the moon, we should be able to do ANYTHING?

Driving home today I saw a milk truck overturned on the side of the road. All the people who were helping clean up looked like they were trying not to cry, and that's as it should be, I think.

Hollywood can never get anything right. I watched the movie "Tom Sawyer" and it wasn't anything like the Rush song!

The things that we accuse each other of - hypocrisy, short-sightedness, lack of compassion - are not failings of the Left or the Right, and there is no character flaw unique to the Christian or to the Unbeliever. There are only human failings, and we all need to examine our hearts and our motives every day. I think God... cares more about how we treat each other than what we think of Him.

Don't ever ask someone why they say the stupid stuff that they say, because if they're stupid enough to say the stupid stuff then they're not smart enough to explain why.

When she leaves early, it's generally a sign that you've given a bad impression on a first date, especially when she backs slowly out of the room and screams "Stay back! People know I'm here!"

I still think it would be a good idea to take all those internet predators that Datline NBC rounds up, send them to Arizona and have a special called "Aliens Vs. Predators"

If I see that you have a need and I give you something, that's compassion. If I see that you have a need and I vote for a guy that's going to take it from someone who makes more money than you so that you can have it, that's not compassion.

I wonder if all the feel-good positive-thinking optimists have ever noticed that a rainbow is shaped just like a frown?

Imagine there's no liberals, it's easy if you try.

I like to say things that challenge people and make them think, even if all they're thinking is "What the hell is wrong with that guy?"

I am so awesome that if Awesome were a dude, then he would be jealous of how AWESOME I am

If you love it so much, why don't you marry it?

One real test of character is, what would you do if the doctor told you you had one day to live? A better test of character is, what would you do if the doctor told you you had one day to live and at the end of that day told you he made a mistake and you probably had another 40 or 50 years?

If I don't ever get to see you at your best, I sure don't want to see you at your worst

When is Obama going to do something about the weather?

If there was a place called Nodah, and if they elected to form a representative government, then they would be the Nodah Republic

If there is Truth is art and science, if Truth is revealed in books and movies, if Truth shines through all of creation and every living thing, in imaginary myths and fables and proverbs, and if we can recognize the Truth all around us....why do people think that there is Truth in only one religion?

When I disagree with someone, I'm not one of those people who has to be right at all costs. It just happens that I always am.

Once I asked a guy to translate into Spanish the phrase "I know you are but what am I?" and what he came up with was "I know what you are but I don't know what I am" and I think it lost something in translation

Why do hippy vegetarians tell us that plants are a sustainable source of food but animals aren't? Because it kind of seems like they would both be.

Why is it that on TV, if someone is shooting at the good guy he will hide behind a car like bullets won't go through the car, but then when he is shooting at someone in a car, the car always blows up?

OMG will someone please tell me what all these people are doing for five or ten minutes at the drive-through ATM?? I swear if it takes me more than 90 seconds to punch in my code and take my cash, something is wrong. And yet they sit there rummaging through things, punching in numbers, sliding in and out little slips of paper WHAT IS GOING ON??

I think the Brady Bunch really started going downhill once all the guys started getting perms

All my life people have told me I'm "different" but from now on I'm going to be the same.

I always can tell the women who undress me with their eyes. They're the ones freaking out and running away

I made an appointment with the Red Cross to donate some of my AWESOME!!

We all choose our relationship to God. In His time and in His purpose He'll show us where He wants us, in the right church and the right home and the right job, and not the other way round.

I asked her if she was involved with anyone but I should have been more specific and said that, yes, self-involved does count

See that light at the end of the tunnel? That's my AWESOME!!

Do you ever sometimes just look at your life and where you are, with all your dreams and aspirations, and all of the hope you've invested in your children, and wonder how things might have been different if you could shoot lasers from your eyes and had an invisible robot friend from the future?

Someone asked me today if I was going to watch the U.S. Open!! OMG!! When did the U.S. Close??!!

How do you walk ON sunshine?

You should have lived during the Inquisition, you're such a martyr

Someone unfriended me today

If someone is only attracted to homeless people, does that make them a hobosexual?

Tried my cousin's recipe - jalapenos stuffed with cheese and wrapped with bacon. Ran out of jalapenos and used big mushrooms. Two words: AWE SOME!

Out here in the fields I fight for my meals I get my back into my liver, yeah yeah

I'm on a mission to cut all the drama and deadwood out of my life

I was seeing a psychologist and all my problems were getting worse. He told me he was using Reverse Psychology on me.

Whenever I see a sign thats says "Caution - Children Playing" I just keep on going, because I'm not afraid of children

I wonder if there was ever an Asian person whose name was Cha Ching. If there was, I bet they worked in a casino.

I wonder if, when they executed that killer in Utah by firing squad, the guy in charge was going "READY....AIM....FIREPLUG!...Just kidding haha....READY....AIM....FIREFLY!...."

I'm carrying sugarcubes and carrots around in my pockets, so when the Four Horsemen come, I'll be ready

Maybe it's true that there is no God, but I'd rather serve an imaginary God and brought whatever joy I could into the world, than to have lived in misery without hope. And maybe it's true that life and the universe only have whatever meanings we assign to them, but that's a far cry from saying that they have no meaning at all.

I think the Bee Gees song "More Than A Woman" should be the theme song for Weight Watchers

I think a really good ambulance driver is one that can come up on the scene of an accident and instantly sum up the situation by saying "Ooooo, that's got to hurt!"

WHoever thought of putting pretzels in M&M's should win the Nobel Prize for Candy

God made us imperfect in an imperfect world, not to delight in our suffering but to delight in our continued triumph over suffering, not so that we wouldn't know joy but so that we would find joy, and not so that we wouldn't understand Him but so that we would constantly choose Him

The boys woke me up in the middle of the night laughing really loud at something. I was going to get up and tell them to go to bed, but it's so seldom that I hear them laughing together at the same time, I decided to rough it out.

When I go to church, I still giggle every time someone says the word "pianist" or "rectory"

I love everyone, except the jerks I can't stand

Why are cartoon characters on cereal commercials always trying to steal cereal? What are we teaching our kids?

She asked me "Don't you ever just give a straight answer?" and I said "Well...Yes and No..."

An open mind allows for more optimism than a self-righteous one

You know how every time someone reports seeing a UFO, it turns out to just be a weather balloon? Why do they make weather balloons look so freaky?

I've never heard a single song by Shakira, but I have seen lots of pictures of her, and she looks very very talented

It's painful and difficult to have to lower your expectations, but it's somehow liberating to abandon them completely

I hate it when people say things to try to sound redneck that real rednecks don't really say

This time of year I remember the valuable lessons my dad taught me. One year I looked up at him and said "Dad, why do they call it a summer solstice?" and my dad said "Because....what the hell else are you gonna call it? Eat your dinner!"

Sometimes, ending a horribly self-destructive and dysfunctional relationship is like that kid in "Old Yeller" having to shoot his dog. No matter how much you wish otherwise, it's got to be done.

Quinn says "Can my friend come over tomorrow? His mom said it was ok."...."No, not while I'm at work all day. Why don't you go over to his house?"...."Because his mom is going to be at work all day"....Someone tell me, did I do a whole bunch of drugs today?? Or am I just the parent of a teenager?

Days like today I wish someone would steal my identity

Be careful what you wish for. Especially if you don't know you're supposed to wish for good things

So this Joran Van der Sloot is getting marriage proposals in prison? Is this what women mean when they tell normal guys that they're "too nice"....?

Quinn says "Pop, why do you keep making me do things I don't want to do?"...."Because you're THIRTEEN YEARS OLD!!"

They say some divorces are friendly. They also say some snakes are born with two heads, but I've never seen one.

If California legalizes marijuana, will Puff The Magic Dragon be their new state song?

Nothing's been the same since Warren Zevon died

How do we know that the aliens aren't disguising their UFO's like weather balloons?

Those people who want to sue McDonalds for giving away Happy Meals toys? I wonder if as a compromise, McDonalds could give away toy defibrilators and toy rib spreaders so that kids can play heart attack and bypass surgery

Some people say age ain't nothing but a number. But so are IQ's, and credit ratings, and street addresses. Numbers mean things.

My buddy Bob asked me if I could imagine playing ten hours of tennis. I said dude, I can't imagine watching ten hours of tennis.

Whoever is texting my 13 year old son every .05 seconds needs to get a life

When I have to ground my kids, I'm only leveling things off. I've been grounded the last 14 years.

If you seek to encourage, enlighten, and spread kindness and compassion, then these things will grow, if not in the lives and hearts of others, then at least in your own. If you seek to educate without being asked, convert others, or change the way they think and believe, then you sow conflict and discord, resistance and frustration. Decide what you want your life to be about.

If you really believe something, go hang out with people who disagree with you. Let your faith be challenged. If resistance strengthens your faith, you're that much better off; if it destroys your faith, then it wasn't a faith worth having anyway, and you can find something real to believe in. Either way, you win.

The only reason I cried at the end of Toy Story 3 is because I'm not a FREAKIN' ROBOT OK???

I don't want to change the world. Although if I did, let's just say there would be a lot more water slides.

They say that girls mature faster than boys, though all I can say for sure is, they mature faster than me.

The neighbor kid came over yesterday, his mom sent him to borrow a cup of AWESOME!!!

I got a headache. It's like a nuclear bomb.

Once I had a chick break up with me because I made fun of how Jim Morrison is supposed to be this deep-thinking, iconic, beat-generation poet, but all of the Doors songs sound like Broadway show tunes. It's probably for the best though, because someone that sensitive shouldn't even be within 10 feet of me.

If the devil opened a candy factory, he would just make black jelly beans

My Warren Zevon station on Pandora just played "All Along The Watchtower" and now it's playing "Folsom Prison Blues"...Warren Zevon is so awesome.

Thinking of changing my name from Mark to MARK!!!

If anyone wants to tell me I'm not full of the love of Jesus, well, he better be prepared to back that up, that's all I'm sayin'

If ducks and beavers ever go to war with each other, it seems like the platypus will want to stay neutral, because no matter who wins, no one will ever trust the platypus again.

As we all remember Michael Jackson today, and all of his enormous talent and his contribution to our culture, let us not forget that despite the shadow he casts over this entire generation, that he was one weird-ass dude

If I could be half the man you are, you would always be twice the man I could ever be

Dear Netflix people, I've been a customer for five years. I don't need to see anymore pop-up ads. Love, Mark

I wonder if Fred Phelps and the Westboro Baptist Church people think that God hates the Flintstones, because they encourage kids to have a Gay Ol' Time

Many people don't know this, but FDR suffered from a rare disorder called Phobiphobia, a fear of fear itself

In Barrow County its the law: If you see a guy with a beer and a chainsaw, you have to get your video camera

I think the Karate Kid's problem wasn't that bullies were trying to beat him up, but that he didn't have any other friends but some old Chinese guy

I wonder if, when John Hughes died, they played "Don't You Forget About Me" at his funeral? Because that would have been awesome.

It shouldn't count as a "phobia" unless you're afraid of things that can't really kill you.

The bad thing about raising awareness for amnesia is that you have to keep raising it over and over all the time

If you give me your number and I call and you don't answer and I leave a voicemail and you don't call back, and I run into you and you reference something I said in the voicemail but claim that you didn't know I'd called, then don't assume I'm mad at you if I don't ever call you again, because there's a difference betw...een being mad and just not being stupid enough to play along when you lie right to my face.

If you go to a job interview, and they ask you to account for a gap in your employment history, just tell them that you were doing some work for the CIA that you're not allowed to talk about and that the agency will disavow any knowlege of, and then just kind of let it slip that there's "one less Central American desp...ot to worry about". That's bound to impress a prospective employer.

Ignorance is never offensive to the ignorant

Dear Hollywood, The last time a prominent actor tried to affect political change in America, his name was John Wilkes Booth. It didn't work out so well. Love, Mark

I'M SO TIRED AND I CAN'T SLEEP!!!

If you want to know and understand God, seek Him first in the quiet places of your mind and heart, not by trying to live up to standards set by other people. Seek God and God will reveal Himself. Seek Truth and Truth will be made known to you. Seek approval and validation, and you will always live with disappointment. You choose.

I wish real life was more like beer commercials

My life is so boring that once when I thought I was dying, my life flashed before my eyes and I fell asleep.

A shipment of jigsaw puzzles was stolen last night, and investigators are still trying to piece together what happened

In 235 years, France has had 14 different governments. Italy has had 38. America, which was supposed to be this piss-ant little experiment in representative government that everyone thought would fail, has had one. Through wars and depressions, the government and the markets have held. Why, then, do Democrats always pr...omise us CHANGE, as if the entire system is broken? Move to Italy if you want change!

A ring of thieves has hijacked a shipment of industrial toilet seats. A police spokesman announced today that the case is a priority, but at this point they have nothing to go on.

If your religion is not in the majority and concessions have to be made for other faiths, it's not a sign of the apocalypse and doesn't mean you're persecuted. If someone has a political opinion different than yours, it doesn't mean you're being attacked or maligned. If someone lives a different lifestyle than you, the...y're just trying to live their lives, not pose a threat to you. We're all different. Calm down.

I had to call the Barrow County Tax Commisioner today after sending in my tag fees a week late and $10.00 short, both the Secretary and the Tax Commisioner herself called me "honey" and said they'd mail out my tags today, and if I get pulled over in the meantime, just have the officers call them. I love small towns.

I used to want to marry Dharma from "Dharma & Greg" but now I'm torn between Pepper Potts from "Iron Man" and Penny from "The Big Bang Theory"

I think a really great movie would be Tarzan Vs. King Kong On The Planet Of The Apes

What do you call a 19th century French leader who's been shot with a cannon? Napolean Blown Apart

If you say "That's what she said" after everything that everyone says, then the one time it makes sense doesn't make you a brilliant comedian. It's just the law of averages.

I don't think I could be friends with a cannibal, because no matter how great his personality was I would always be thinking "That dude's a cannibal." And then there would be the awkward conversations about why I don't want him babysitting my kids, and it just wouldn't be worth it to me. No offense, cannibals.

If someone invented a cheap, clean, non-polluting vehicle that would solve all our energy problems, but it used endangered species for fuel, I bet environmentalists's heads would all explode

If they ever make a movie out of Warren Zevon's life, I think they should randomly cut away to scenes where I'm sitting there listening to his music. And Johnny Depp can play me.

I'm glad that we live in a country where everyone, regardless of race or gender or religion, is free to express their opinions, and I am free to ignore them

Buddhism is dangerous. You could put your I out.

A man was arrested in Barrow County for stealing 3 six packs of beer. Upon reviewing the evidence, the Disttict Attorney said "I can't make a case out of this"

I was going to go see the new Twilight movie, but then someone offered to hit me in the head really hard with a hammer, and I decided I would rather do that, so....yeah....

I have very strong feelings about controversy in general, and I'm not afraid to get all up in your face about it

If I have a bad first date, I like to end on a positive note, so usually I'll pick up the check and say something like, "On the bright side, this date can be tax deductible if I ever publish a book on borderline psychosis."

This is interesting....First they banned Burquas, and Christians apparently didn't say much, because it wasn't their religious freedom being threatened. And then they were left with a gov't that had the power to abridge religious liberties, and now what?

Sometimes it seems like people care more about animals than they do about other people

Note: If you're a pale, friendless science-grokking doofwad working for the U.S. government, and some uber-hot Russian supermodel falls so in love with you that she'll even ask you in great detail about your work, I don't care how completely she blends into American culture, I hate to break it to you but she's a spy, dude.

Q: How many transcendent existentialists does it take to change a lightbulb? A: A Bicycle

As I get older, my attitudes have kind of evolved. For instance, there was a time when I thought it wasn't a good idea for single people to adopt, but I think having kids has changed my perspective a little. Now, I think any qualified single person should be allowed to adopt my kids.

If you're messing around with a Klingon, I think you should know, Klingons don't mess around

Dear Super Hot Russian Spy Chicks, I have lots of secrets. Let's see if you can get them out of me. Love, Mark

I'm ready to settle down

In a thousand years, I believe that there will be a major world religion based around the teachings of John McClane in "Die Hard"

If I see a driving school car on the highway, I drive up right behind them as fast as I can, honking continuously and flipping them off. It's to give the student driver what I like to call the "Crisis Experience". Sure, sometimes they run off the road, but I always insist that they don't thank me. It's just part of my giving nature.

If someone you know gets amnesia, I think a funny thing to do would be to take him to the circus, hand him a whip and a chair, tell him he's a lion tamer and that he's late for work. Then just watch the hilarity ensue.

There was an emergency one day and someone ran into the office and said "Does anyone here speak Spanish?" and I said, "I don't speak Spanish, but I can speak English really loud if you think that might help." Just because I'm awesome like that.

What is it with all these teachers having affairs with their underage students? I used to tell my kids not to talk to strangers, now I tell them not to talk to teachers.

I think in hell, everyone stands around talking about the weather.

The real problem is going to be all the arm injuries from blind drivers reading Braille road signs

Why don't we import cars from Switzerland? Because Swiss cars always get stuck in neutral

I hate it that I can't text and drive anymore! If only there was some type of device that I could just TALK into to convey information.

Just passed a place near Gwinnett Place Mall called King Taco. Doesn't the taco seem more like a democratic-type food? Burger King I can see, because burgers are followers, but I think tacos should have a President. El Presidente Taco. Who's with me?

My sister killed the hornets that had built nests by my door, even though they never bothered anyone. Now they're back. I think I'll leave them alone. It's kind of like "Charlotte's Web" except with hornets.

You sure are a funny kid, Johnny. But I like you! So tell me, what kind of boy are you, John?

Twilight is teaching girls that they don't have to be interesting for guys to fight over them, just mope around. Actually that sounds about right.

Q: Who would win if Kim Kardashian, Megan Fox, and Hayden Pantierre got in a fight? A: Trick question - No one would care who won, as long as we could watch

A car for the blind? Based on the way people drive in Atlanta, we've had those for years.

Boomerang is playing Josie & The Pussycats, which is awesome, but not as awesome as it would be to see the ones where they were in space. So I'm watching five episodes of J&TPC followed by the one episode they guest starred on The New Scooby Doo Movies, a cosmic alignment of AWESOME!!!!

Slept 12 hours!!! Feel great except I think I feel a gout flare up coming on. This is the worst!! Happy Fourth to all my American friends, and Happy Sunday to my friends in Canada and overseas.

Bye Bye Miss American Spy, Drove my Gremlin by the Kremlim but the Kremlin was dry

You know it's time to re-examine your housekeeping habits when you see a GIGANTIC bug on the carpet and think "I hope to God that's one of the kids' toys"

Watching a special on Barbara Eden, who married the dude who played Kang on the original Star Trek, wondering if their kid thought he was badass because his mom was a Jeannie and his dad was a Klingon

Isn't it ironic that the same Christians who keep saying we should go back to the ways of the Early Church who lived by such faith, are the same ones who say we have to win back America for Jesus, when the early church was persecuted mercilessly by every government they encountered? You don't have to live in a Christian nation to be a Christian.

You know that song from t he Karate Kid that goes "I am a man who will fight for your honor".....? I always think it sounds like he's singing to a judge

If someone married Bjorn Borg, does he call it "being assimilated"?

When they tell you on TV "If you call now", how do they know if you really are calling now?

Sometimes I wish I was a hippy

Happy Cinco De July

In the last three days I've watched 16 episodes of Josie and the Pussycats and I'm not tired of it.

Indy said that our house is so clean, we could almost have girls come over

If aliens ever land on earth, I'll welcome them, as long as they don't start taking our jobs. Then I would be a real jerk to them.

Let's take a moment on this fourth of July to remember how this great country was founded, when Jesus came over on the Mayflower

If I was a little kid living a miserable life in an orphanage, and I could just say "Shazam" and turn into an awesome grown-up superhero, I don't think I would ever turn back

I had forgotten that, once a kid hits 13, he knows everything. He knows better ways to do things, he always has better reasons for getting what he wants, and he can't understand why people don't do things his way. Could it be that in the course of human history every teenager has tried it that way and failed? I'm sure ...Gandhi had a teenage son who said "So what's so bad about the British?"

Dear middle-aged woman that I saw at Wal Mart this morning, I hate to tell you this, but that butterfly lower-back tattoo you got back in 1991? Yeah, it looks like a bat. Love, Mark

I think every time my teenage son throws clean clothes in the laundry hamper, I'm going to take them ALL out of the hamper and make him wear EVERYTHING for one full day. So he'll have like 3 shirts and 5 pairs of pants and 20 socks on for a whole day. Maybe that will get his attention.

When I see an 18-wheeler with a "How Am I Driving?" 800-number on it, I like to call in and say that he's throwing empty beer cans out the window and taking pot-shots at random drivers with a high-powered rifle. I think that keeps everyone on their toes, and the highways are that much safer for everyone. No need to thank me.

If I ever have to go to prison, I won't join one of those violent prison gangs. I'll just start my own gang and only let nice people join, and we'll call ourselves "The Happy Good-Time Prison Gang" and we'll stage musicals and bake sales. Because, hey, we're all in this together, right?

If there was someone whose job it was to sharpen pencils, I bet he would always be asking himself, What's the point?

They say that in Heaven, we'll all be singing God's praises all day. But I don't really like singing that much, and I wonder if they'll let me sit in a separate room and do math problems or something? Because I bet in Heaven, math will be easy.

I'm against helper monkeys just on principle, because that's pretty much how Planet of The Apes got started

Isn't it funnny that when people say "Isn't it funny" they're usually talking about something that isn't actually funny?

She told me all she wanted was for me to talk about how I really feel. I told her I felt the original Die Hard was the greatest movie ever, and that we as a society just didn't place enough value on waterslides, or there would be more of them. We broke up after that. I wish women didn't speak in riddles.

I know how to stop the oil spill, and it's so obvious. Two words: SHAM WOW!

Something fun to do is, when you get on an elevator with only one other person, start feeling around the walls like you're looking for an escape route, and then say "You can never be too careful"

If I was a ninja I wouldn't be a spy or an assassin, because one I don't like to travel and two I wouldn't want to kill people I don't even know well enough to be annoyed by. So instead I think I would open a pizza place and when someone called in an order, they would turn around and BAM! There it would be on the table, delivered ninja-style

If there was a place called Garbage Town where everything was made of garbage, I sure wouldn't want to live there. If you really need more explanation than that, well, let's just say that I can't stand the smell of garbage.

I think the worst job to have in NYC would be head of the Tourism Board for Hell's Kitchen, because I don't even know what that is but I know I wouldn't want to go there. In fact, the only worse place I could think of would be if there was a place called Hell's Bathroom.

I was watching the Twilight Zone last night and it was that episode where the guy is watching the Twilight Zone on TV and it turns out that he's watching an episode about himself, and the weird thing was that the guy I was watching turned out to be me.

If I get bitten by a radioactive spider, I don't think having a Spider-Sense would help me much, because it only seems to warn you like half a second before someone punches you in the face, and no one has punched me in the face since I was like 15. Instead, I would want it to warn me of something useful, like when the ...boss is walking in or when the mail is about to get here.

If I ever argued a case in front of the Supreme Court, every time I used the word "constitutional" or "unconstitutional", I would do the air quotes thing and really over-pronounce the word. Rather than just being sarcastic or disrespecting the Court and its proceedings, I think it would make the Justices take a good, l...ong look at what the Constitution stands for. God, I would be a great lawyer.

What do you call it when someone buys out your Bed & Breakfast? A Hostel takeover

I was talking to a friend of mine about gay marriage and she said to me "Can you imagine having someone else tell you that the person you've chosen to love is a sin?" and I said "Yeah, my father-in-law did that for 12 years"

Facebook is sending me ads asking me if I'm bipolar!!!

Every time I hear the name "Demi Lovato" I always start singing "Domo Arigato Demi Lovato" in my head

I want to start a Buddhist Pest Control business that doesn't kill the bugs and rats that get into your house, just capture and relocate them

I hate that I live in a world where Christians feel the need to bring guns to church

I hate that there is no such a thing as a diet Slurpee

Pretty soon, there will be millions of people who are paralyzed by irrational fears, and that kind of scares me

I think it's so totally awesome to not be obsessive-compulsive

How many Vulcans does it take to change a lightbulb? Approximately 1.000000

If Davy Jones took a job as a receptionist, he would be a Helper Monkee

I'm immediately suspect of anyone who, in political discussions, overuses the words "they" and "them"

She looked so sad, I asked her what was wrong. She said "I guess I'm not very good at hiding my feelings..." I said "You are, if you're secretly happy."

If Bonnie Hunt married the drummer from Led Zeppelin and then marketed little candies with clever sayings on them, they would be Bonnie Bonham's Bon Mot Bon Bons

I did the BBC Book Survey and out of the 100 books on the list I got 10. If I took out all the books that I had to read in school, like the Shakespeare ones and that 1984 book, it would probably be like the Bible and the Chronicles of Narnia. To be fair, there were no science fiction books on the list.

President Obama leaves this week for his third vacation since declaring he would not rest till the oil leak is stopped, the clean up is complete and the Gulf Coast back to normal

Yesterday Jorge's little niece Camilla was introducing me to her friend, and told me "She's Mexican but she can speak Cuban, too"

Be careful what you wish for, especially if you're stupid

I'm so tired of people being outraged

Sometimes I feel a little guilty. A little.

My last girlfriend broke up with me because she said she met someone else, but that was just two kids with a giant overcoat and a fake mustache pretending to be a grown man. The one before that dumped me for a homeless guy, and the one before that dumped me for a character in her Sims game. Is it me?

The easiest part of being a caveman, I think, would be that history books would only be like one page long.

I bet in caveman days, to get into all the snooty caveman country clubs, you had to be able to trace your family tree all the way back to some pretty important amoebas

I bet it was hard when Jesus was born, because they only had like a week to set all the computers to year one

If they didn't count years until after Jesus was born, how did they know when to have the Olympics?

Brad Pitt finally got rid of his beard. No, not that one.

Why is that when you're taking a picture and you ask someone to "look crazy" they always stick out their tongues, instead of staring off into space, wild-eyed and muttering about the CIA, like real crazy people do?

Fred Phelps just released a statement saying that God loves Mel Gibson

This is why they're extinct

The Da Vinci Code says that Jesus had a wife but no one talked about her, and I wonder if she was like Lucy and always coming up with wacky schemes to try to get into the Bible

If I was a policeman, I would ask for bulletproof pants and a bulletproof hat

Isn't it weird that when UFO's come to earth they always go to the Arizona desert? I bet they don't go there anymore.

Please don't take this the wrong way. I'm tired of not caring how offended you are.

BP Oil just won some kind of environmental award? Is this a joke? Isn't this like Roman Polanski winning a Kids' Choice Award?

Domo arigato, Demi Lovato

If you're sensitive and easily offended, what you're really doing is demanding that everyone do everything exactly your way and then punishing them when they don't

I think Fred Phelps needs to rethink his theology, if for no other reason than that, if he's right, him and his family are going to be the only ones in Heaven, and no one else will want to go

If Switzerland is always neutral, why do their army knives have so much stuff on them?

If you sit down to dinner in Switzerland, does the butter knife, the soup spoon, the salad fork, the steak knife, the regular fork, a spatula and a straw all unfold out from the same utensil?

Someone asked me, if you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be? I said, I would be the one that fell down in the forest when there was no one there to hear it.

I think they should remake "West Side Story" at Dragon Con, with Star Wars fans versus Star Trek fans

If there was a way to take coffee and turn it into gold, most mornings I would still drink the coffee

If you're an unwed teenage mother about to marry the guy who used the national media to trash your whole family....you might be a redneck

I think most people who say that they're "romantic" are in reality codependents with dissociative tendencies

When I was a kid, they used to say "Sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me." I'll never forget that valuable lesson in all of its innocent wisdom, never to call names, just throw things.

Shouldn't a single Jedi be called a Jedum? Or a Jedus?

I really need a hug. Preferably from someone hot.

Sometimes I wish I was a cartoon. Not in a cartoon world, but in the real world, so that I would be the only cartoon and I could do things that no one else could do. It would kind of be like having super powers.

Sometimes I like to go up to a random person on the street and stand right in their way and scream, "I'm not gonna fight you, man! You're not worth it!"

Am I the only one who thinks Hockey Fighting should be its own sport? No goals, no penalties, just twenty dudes on the ice in pads, going at it with hockey sticks. Two words: AWE....SOME!!!

If the mafia orders a hit on someone in the Czech Republic, do they call it a cancelled Czech?

Just got an email saying that I was NOT selected to move forward in the recruiting process for a position I applied for three years ago. Apparently, they're now hiring a new Efficiency Expert.

On dating websites, "Romantic" means "Stalker", "Like traditional gender roles" means she doesn't want to work, and "I'm into yoga" usually means "I'm probably not into yoga"

When Vanna White goes to the doctor, does he ask her about her Vowel Movements?

When you think people are watching you and it scares you, you're paranoid. When you think people are watching you and you like it, you're an exhibitionist. When you think people are watching you and they really aren't, you work for "Good Day Atlanta".

Hello. You're pretty.

My imaginary friend moved away, and didn't leave a forwarding address.

Is it just coincidence that every homeless schizophrenic thinks that the CIA and the KGB are watching them, or do you think there really could be special divisions of these intelligence-gathering agencies that are really interested in what homeless schizophrenics are doing? And wouldn't it be the perfect cover?

I want to start training for the Ironman competition, but I'll be lucky to qualify for the Marshmallowman

Hallmarki Channel is repeating The Partridge Family! With that, and Boomerang's Josie & The Pussycats, I'm reliving my childhood through cheesy musical montages!!

Thanks for accepting my friend request, Sophia Jorge - You've just bought a one-way ticket to AWESOME!!! Population: Me!!

Wonderful memories are made of all the wonderful things that we remember

When I date a woman, I like to be courteous and find out what she enjoys doing close to her home. That way, she doesn't have to drive, and I get to avoid that long awkward silence when, halfway through dinner, she says "Oh my God take me how right now!"

Growing up, my family was always encouraging me in my intellectual and academic pursuits. Hardly a day went by when someone didn't say "Way to go, genius!"

I don't like it when people on commercials say "Because I'm worth it" because that infers that everyone is worth it, and clearly that's not true

The preacher on TV said that Harry Potter teaches kids black magic, but my kids have watched for years and they haven't learned anything yet

Do you ever wish that they made Giant Triscuits that were as big as pieces of bread and then you could make really crunchy sandwiches out of them? Or what if they were as big as plates and then you could eat your mean and then eat the plate?

The average surface temperature of Venus is 415 degrees Centigrade. But the heat is not really the thing on Venus, it's the humidity.

If I had my own religion, I think I would have rules like, always help people who need it, if you don't like something someone else is doing, keep it to yourself, and always try to do better than you did yesterday.

You know that Beatles song that goes "look at all the lonely people"..? Do we actually have to look at them?

I need to start deleting some people from my list

I think I would rather get eaten by a wolf than a bear. Because no one ever trained a wolf to ride a tricycle, and it would be embarrassing to get eaten by a bear that rode a tricycle to get away.

It's important that children have structure and discipline. And love, too, in judisciously predetermined intervals.

The good thing about Veggie burgers are, they're better for the environment, come in a variety of sizes and flavors, and are a much more humane food source as no animals have to needlessly suffer to provide for us. The downside is, you have to use twice as much bacon as on a regular burger.

I have a guilty confession to make: This weekend, even while neither of my kids were home, I watched two episodes of "Wizards of Waverly Place". I have another guilty confession to make: During one of these episodes, I actually laughed a couple times.

It seems like dudes spend a lot of time and effort telling beautiful women that they're beautiful, and then they say that they want a woman who doesn't know how beautiful she is

The more time I spend alone, the more I watch Star Trek. The more I watch Star Trek, the less attractive I am to women. The less attractive I am to women, the more time I spend alone.

Where do Cornish hens come from? Cornia?

I don't think we should deny the right to vote to anyone, but I don't think we should encourage people to vote when they're completely ignorant

If you have Multiple Personality Disorder, but you don't want to tell your prospective employers, just say you're a "People Person"

I cried because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet and stole his shoes since he didn't need them.

Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day, teach a man to fish and that's pretty much the last you'll see of him

They say there's someone for everyone, but even on Thanksgiving I bet cannibals have to share.

When Tonto was little, I bet his parents were always telling him not to talk to Rangers

I'm thinking that the Green Arrow and the Human Target probably wouldn't get along

When I was about two years old, I realized that the world was a cold, harsh place, love is dead, you can't trust anyone, and in the end you die alone. But I had a good couple years before that

I'm not afraid of spiders or snakes or rats, or even wolves or bears, but I am afraid of monkeys. Monkeys with guns. Because, you know, DAAMN!! They will kill you!!

I think if we want to get people out to the polls, we need to stop calling them "Runoff Elections". That's boring. From now on, let's use the term "Election 2: Voting Boogaloo"

I'm not ashamed to admit that I am digging the Patridge Family reruns. This show is NOTHING like the Brady Bunch, why do people always compare the two? That's like comparing apples to some fruit that totally sucks.

I said good day!!!

An enemy is just a friend who wants to kill you

I think penguins must be the most pro-marriage of all the animals, because they're all born wearing formal wear

Of all God's creations, I believe the most regal, majestic creature to be the Lion, standing proud, roaring his defiance to the world. And surrounded by Hooters waitresses on motorcycles, holding pitchers of beer.

If there was a wildlife refugee for diseased giraffes, it would be Giraffe Sick Park

If I'm ever in a situation where I'm in a crowd and someone at a much higher elevation is taking random shots at us trying to pick us off one by one with a high-powered rifle, I'm not going to duck down behind something for cover. That's just what he expects me to do. I'm going to stand up and wave my arms. It's all ab...out strategy, my friend.

I bet the worst part of living with Hawkman would be having to line the floors of your home with newspaper

My kids are the salt of the earth. I can tell by the way they affect my blood pressure.

I had this weird dream last night that there was the ghost of a pregnant teenage girl in my house. I don't know how the whole pregnant thing works for ghosts. But anyway then I realized that I was Batman and I had to go down this dark tunnel to find someone with super powers to help me. What do you think it means?

Overheard a conversation between my sister and my niece about pregnancy and how long it takes to push the baby out. I told them it takes at least 18 years...

If I went to a planet of monkey people who had to fight giant dragons with rocks just to stay alive, and I tried to teach them, say, calculus, they'd be like "Dude, just pick up a rock and shut up!" And I can't say I would blame them, really.

Tell me the truth. I can take it.

It takes a certain type of personality deficiency to actually write out the word "Um"

Maybe if we were all invisible, then we wouldn't be able to judge one another by appearance. But then, going through revolving doors would be a bitch.

If Dracula can't see himself in the mirror, how does he comb his hair so straight?

It's 175 degrees outside and the heat index is ONE THOUSAND DEGREES!! My car is melting in the driveway

I think Keith and Laurie Partridge acted more like they were married than like they were siblings

It seems self-defeating to sell Krispy Kreme doughnuts to benefit the American Heart Association. It's like selling Girl Scout Cookies to raise money for diabetes.

You can say what you want, but at the end of the day, it's night time

I bet it would be easy to get dates using the Force, because all you'd have to do is go up to some babe and say "I am the guy you're looking for....you want to go out with me..."

I bet the vampires on Twilight could totally defeat the werewolves, if they would just arm themselves with rolled-up newspapers

There's plenty of fish in the freezer

It's so hot that today I went to a track meet and everyone was walking

So this chick shot me down, and I thought It's her loss, right? And then I thought, it's my loss too though. And then I thought, Shut up. And then I thought, You shut up! And then I thought, wow, she doesn't know what she's missing...

I went to get my fortune read, and the old woman warned me that, one day very soon, I would face the greatest test of my life....and though I remain skeptical, I still carry around two sharpened number two pencils, just in case...

Maybe it's true that there is no God, but I'd rather serve an imaginary God and bring whatever joy I could into the world, than to live in misery without hope. And maybe it's true that life and the universe only have whatever meanings we assign to them, but that's a far cry from saying that they have no meaning at all.

If I was Batman and I had to fight Catwoman, I would just carry around a big vacuum cleaner, because there's nothing cats are scared of more than vacuum cleaners

My favorite part of Avatar was at the end when he was hurt in that explosion, and she took him in her arms, and he said "I see you" and she said "I see you" and he said, "No....ICU! I need to go to the hospital!" and she was all, "Dude..."

The best advice I ever gave was "Learn to let go," to my friend, who dealt with childhood trauma. Coincidentally, this was also the worst advice I ever gave, to my other friend, a trapeze artist.

The nurse explained to my wife that it was perfectly safe to breastfeed the baby on either side, though there were primitive tribes where the women only breastfed on one side, because they always rowed their canoes on the other side. I asked if these were the tribes of women who rowed around in circles all the time.

I'm really starting to worry, I think I'm being stalked...this woman keeps calling me and telling me all the things she wants to do to me, I can't sleep, I stay up all night and now I'm starting to think she's never going to show up...

If I date a woman in her 20s they say I'm a cradle robber, so if I date someone in her 60s does that make me a grave robber?

If I try to bribe John McEnroe, is that Tennis Racketeering?

If I was going to market instant noodles to Mexicans, I would call it Que Pasta?

If I go to bed right now I can get another hour sleep

Wonder Woman has changed her costume ONCE in 80 years, and people are upset about it? I know women who won't wear the same outfit more than once.

God made us imperfect, in an imperfect world, not to delight in our suffering but to delight in our continued triumph over suffering; not so that we wouldn't know joy but so that we would continually find our own joy; and not so that we wouldn't understand Him but so that we would choose Him every day

Everyone is on their own path, and has to make their own choices. Sometimes we don't get to choose between right and wrong; we only get bad and worse. There will always be those who judge you afterwards. Ignore them. Do the best you can, and don't look back.

People keep asking me where do I come up with all the stuff I post here. It's all in my brain.

If I owned a landscaping business, I would call it Lawn Order. And I would drive around in a Bronco and call it my Lawn Order: SUV. And every summer I would sponsor a camping trip for paroled juvenile offenders and call it Lawn Order: Criminals In Tents

Whenever I read the Bible, I always picture the Apostle Paul as Harrison Ford in Bladerunner. Is it just me?

I asked her, and she says that she never said any of those things.

You're selfish, impatient and a little insecure. You make mistakes, you're out of control and at times hard to handle. In fact, I'm not even sure why I'm talking to you. Take care...

I'll help anyone out, I'll listen to anyone's problems, I'll offer advice if it's asked for, but I won't waste time with people who don't want to be helped, whose problems have become a part of their identity, or live in denial and congratulate themselves for how much they care

Miley Cyrus doesn't look like she can't be tamed. In fact, I bet if you just took away her money and all her expensive clothes, she would have a hissy fit.

Whenever I see a status that says if I "like" your status, you'll post something on my wall, I will click it every single time. Because I don't have to do anything, and people will say nice things about me.

There's a new medication you can take to help with your paranoia. But don't take it. That's just what they want you to do.

If "The Blues" is music you play when you're sad, why isn't there a musical style called "The Reds" to play when you're angry?

Why is it that chicks will never date the dudes that they tell all their problems to, but they always fall in love with their therapists?

If someone really did sing Polly Wolly Doodle all the day, it would annoy the crap out of me

Just because I don't post all my deep inner feelings on FB doesn't mean I don't have them. I'm not a FREAKIN' ROBOT ya'll!!!!

In America, if you kill someone, that's murder. You will get in big big trouble.

If someone really hates you, I've always found the best course to take is to forgive them, no matter what they do or say, no matter how bitter and angry they are, just say "I forgive you." You will have a peace in your heart, and it will drive them crazy.

Someone just asked me if I was watching the U.S. Open?? When did it close??

Why do people write LOL on stuff that's not funny, like "My dog just woke up LOL"....?

If there is a wax museum statue of Joan Rivers, I bet it looks just like her. Because she kind of looks like a wax museum statue

I don't know whether I agree with Glen Beck or not, because every time he starts crying I tune him out.

Whoever wrote that song "Easy Like SUnday Morning" never had a really good Saturday night.

Whenever I go to weddings, when they get to the part where the preacher says "Speak now or forever hold your peace" I like to stand up and scream "That man is the Jackal, and he must DIE!!" It shocks people, but trust me, later on, everyone will get a big laugh out of it.

Sometimes people will tell me deeply personal things at inappropriate times and I think, if they're kidding it's REALLY not funny, and if they're not kidding they're probably mentally ill, so the only thing I can do is back away slowly and not make any sudden moves.

I wonder if Chelsea's new husband is counting on Bill giving him tips on how to pick up women

Whenever designers unveil new fashions, to me, they always look like the old fashions. And when automakers show their new models, they always look the same to me. Also, wine all tastes the same to me. I'm also pretty sure that, no matter what color they are, Froot Loops all taste the same.

I used to date a 911 dispatcher, but we broke up. She wouldn't let me call her unless it was an absolute emergency.

I had a telepathic girlfriend, but we broke up. She kept slapping my face for all the stuff I was thinking.

If I worked in a dental office, I would make up a sign that says "You Are The Master Of Your Own Dentistry"

There's no such thing as a little bit of freedom. We either have a free nation or not. We have freedom of religion or we don't. If you cherish your own freedom, you have to stand up for everyone's freedom.

I'm glad my parents got married when they did, because if they'd waited any longer, I would have been my little brother.

I'm not here

If aliens ever come to Earth, I hope they bring snacks

Someone's making a biography of Justin Bieber? Is it going to be, like, 10 minutes long?

At home I like to walk around in a speedo, blurting out random obscenities, just in case the government is spying on me through my TV set.

I love it when people use words wrong. I just got a voicemail that said "I'm going to be out of pocket for a few days". WTH does that mean? Is she going to be living off whatever cash she has on her for a few days? Is she a fugitive?

It really doesn't bother me that I have to press 1 for English, although I will start to worry when I have to start pressing 2 for English

‎....although technically shouldn't we press 1 for Apache?

If you ever go hunting and someone tries to make you feel bad by saying "How could you shoot Bambi?" Just remind them, it wasn't Bambi that got shot, it was Bambi's mom, and then laugh really loud.

If anyone thinks they have more humilty than I do, they better watch their backs

If you go to ask out some chick and she gets all sniffy and says she's not interested, just play it off like you thought she said something else, and say "That's ok, I'm kind of tired of dating girls who are interesting."

If someone comes to your door trying to convert you to their religion, invite them in to dinner and then go put on white gloves and then halfway through the meal, ask if their religion discriminates against people with leprosy

You know that part of the Grinch who stole Christmas when his heart grows three sizes? I always laugh at that part, because that's called cardiomegaly and it's usually fatal, and that bastard deserves it

I like to call up Herb Shops and ask if they carry dill weed

I think on my resume, under "Professional Accomplishments" I'm going to say "I'm undefeated" and let prospective employers guess what that means

Fine then! Be that way!

I wish that there was a political party who, when asked "What is the Federal Govt going to do about THIS problem or THAT thing?" had the courage to respond "Nothing, that's not the govt's job, we're going to let the states make up their minds about how to handle that" instead of "Why we'll spend billions of dollars on ...that problem and take care of it for you"

Today at lunch I went out to Wal Mart and bought some underwear

A lot of people don't know this, but the song "Take On Me" by A-Ha has two additional verses that only dogs can hear

It's good to have goals. Unless you're a goalie in hockey, then it's good not to have goals. Don't get those two mixed up.

I believe that everyone should constantly strive to better themselves, challenge their preconceptions, learn, and grow. Except me.

I adopted a dog once but every time she looked at me I could tell she was thinking, "You're not my real dad!"

Someone just called me a Liberal, for the first time in my life ever.

So I'm like sitting there at work today and the phone rings and it's this dude and he's like "Dude!" and I'm all, "Dude?" and he's like "Duuuuude..." and I'm all, *click*

The preacher said that if you put a frog in a pot of water and gradually turn the heat up, the frog will adjust to the temperature until it gets boiled alive. I told him, that's how we are, when we tolerate what we know is wrong...like putting a frog in pot of water and boiling it alive, you sick freak!!

I read today that one in four children in the Atlanta area will grow up speaking only Spanish in their homes. Thank God I only have two kids, because I wouldn't want to have to learn Spanish just to talk to my own kid.

Don't fall in love with me, kid. I'm poison, I tell ya! Poison!

I just realized that Amy Grant's "Oh How The Years Go By" and Sarah McClachlan's "I Will Remember You" is the exact same song. I'm secure enough in my own sexuality to make that observation

If you believe in yourself you can do anything. Unless you're crazy and believe you can fly or something like that.

If you believe in yourself, you can accomplish anything within reason

I don't believe in teaching children unhealthy eating habits, so at my house we sing "Pump Up The Unsweetened Fruit Spread"

Today I saw a deer wander through my backyard, a beam of sunlight bathing its delicate features, and said a small prayer of thanks for all of God's quiet beauty and grace. Just before I shot it.

Indy and I watched all the Back To The Future movies, and since Hallmark Channel has stopped showing repeats of The Partridge Family, I am Netflixing all four seasons. So today I am vegging and tomorrow hiking with Indy Schieber, Jorge and Lauren Kelsi Fernandez-ware and who knows who all else

I would have made a horrible cop, because all my stories would end the same way, "....and so that's when I shot him."

I fell asleep while I was watching Law & Order, and someone said "Freeze, Police" but in my sleep I thought they said "French Police". The funny thing about that is that Law & Order doesn't take place in France, but New York.

To be or not to be. Those are your choices.

If God was something that we just imagined, or that man made up in his own head, then I would wonder how it is that we have the ability to even imagine such a Thing. And if we are only the physical, matter and energy and time and space, how is it that we can imagine Something beyond that which we can see?

My son said he wants to go to Georgia Tech and become an engineer, but I'm trying to discourage that, because I don't think he'll be happy driving trains around for the rest of his life

In the South we should have the Sweet Tea Party

In the future, if there are places where you can go rent time machines, I think what I'll do is rent it, go back to wherever I wanted to go, and then bring the time machine back to the exact same time that I left, and get my money back.

I think gay divorces will be extra difficult, because in addition to everything else, they'll have to divide up their clothes

This morning I woke up at 05:06:07 08/09/10

The road to hell is paved with Good 'N Plenty

Congress is debating a law that would require women to shake their hips and belly dance. I knew it was only a matter of time before Shakira Law came to the United States

To hear the protestors in downtown Atlanta, you would think that Prop 8 was doing away with heterosexual marriage, all over the world, and that straight people wouldn't be allowed to have children anymore

I think the worst part of being a deer would be getting shot by hunters, and having no one do anything about it. I wonder, if deer begin to evolve, will there be deer police who investigate all the shootings in the forest, and will they come to a hunter's house and be like, "We just need to ask you a few questions. Wha...t's in that barbecue?" DEER POLICE!!

Why doesn't country music have horns?

You know how circuses get a bad rap for mistreating their animals? I bet they could really reform their image, not by treating animals better, but by mistreating their clowns, too

I believe it was Albert Einstein who said "I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with monkeys on roller blades carrying flamethrowers, and midgets with jetpacks on the moon." I believe he said this in his much later years.

The worst day of my life was when my wife caught me cheating. She screamed and cried, I cried and begged her to forgive me, but the trust was gone and nothing was ever the same after that. Now, looking back, I still regret it, although I think we took our games of Monopoly a little too seriously

Got the first season of "The Partridge Family" on Netflix, and one of the extras is an episode of the Saturday morning "Partridge Family 2200 ad". Reuben and Keith look and sound NOTHING like they do in real life. And the cartoon sucks. Bad 70's drugs, no one noticed.

I challenge you to name ONE SINGLE MOVIE that wouldn't be improved by adding Klingons

Kids threw clean laundry on the floor, wet laundry back in the hamper, and then said I was making a big deal out of nothing. Kids are wearing wet, wrinkled clothes the rest of the week. No big deal I guess.

Once there was a child who endured great hardships and tragedies, but despite all of his setbacks, he persevered. And do you know who that child was? An important historical figure whose name you instantly recognize.

Life is not measured by how may breaths you take, but by how many time you have the breath knocked out of you

I don't always live life to the fullest but most days I live life to the half-fullest

Always think positive. Unless you're getting a drug test.

If there were such a thing as dog philosophers, I bet they would forever ponder the eternal question, "Who's a good boy?"

Nothing more frustrating than sitting in traffic, not moving, while cars pass you on both sides. How does that even happen?

Thats great it starts with an earthquake, birds and snakes and airplanes, Lenny Bruce is not afraid...

I used to like to rock and roll all night, and party every day. But now I like to rock and roll from 6:00 pm until about 9:30, and then settle down with a good book, and party twice a month in a more controlled environment.

Just to let everyone know, there is a mobile No Drama Zone in a ten-foot circumference around me wherever I go. Please try to respect it.

Sometimes it amazes me how much time I have to devote to talking about things that I don't give a crap about with people who don't know anything

Indy is going to his first Middle School dance tonight. If he has any dancing genes, let's hope he didn't get them from me.

After listening to both Democrats and Republicans talk about the economy, the deficit, and unemployment, I've come to one solid conclusion: Somebody's lying.

Every year I have to sign 1000 papers for the kids' school and they all ask for emergency contact information. Am I the only one who knows you're supposed to call 911? Duh!

If you hate something, hit it with a shovel. If it comes back to you, run like hell

When Luke Skywalker was a child growing up on his Uncle & Aunt's farm, I bet they taught him that the Force had a Nice Side and a Naughty Side

I'm not afraid of commitment, I just haven't met the right Hooters waitress yet

Every year I go thank all the vets for my freedom, and every year they escort me out of the animal hospital for "harrassing" them

What a friend we have in Cheez Its

I'm really attracted to women who complain all the time, but I don't know where to go to meet them

There is nothing more humbling than spending a few hours talking to and helping people in need

All of the laundry hampers in my house are overflowing with dirty laundry. I have to go out today and get some more hampers.

Whenever I see a sign that says "Caution - Children Playing" I just keep on going, because I'm not afraid of children

Instead of sad songs and prayers and everyone dressed in black, I think at funerals we should have cheerleaders and marching bands and midgets doing somersaults and guys on stilts in Uncle Sam costumes, confetti and fireworks and kegs of beer. Who's with me?

Do not walk behind me, for you may not be able to keep up. Do not walk in front of me, for my brakes may not work.

Whoever it was who called my cell phone last night and left a voicemail that said "Hi, it's me"....? I don't even have your number programmed into my phone, so I don't know who you are. Let's stick to first names for now.

I wonder if Wilma ever gets mad at Fred for taking her for granite

I just voted on a name for the new baby giraffe at Zoo Atlanta. My choice? Reginald Longneck Von Snugglepants III

When you kick an anthill and thousands of ants run all over the place stepping on each other, why don't you ever see two ants bonk their heads together and get knocked unconscious? For that matter, why don't you ever see two mosquitos collide in mid-air and then plummet to their deaths?

The only job I can think of that would be worse than Homeless Crack-Addicted Panhandler, is Assistant Homeless Crack-Addicted Panhandler

I think Billy Idol should make a Christmas album and call it "Dancing With My Elves"

Its time to get serious

Maybe my problem is that I'm too reserved, and I hold too much back

The article I just saw about Hilary Duff's wedding mentioned that she was 22 years old, but it seems like she's been annoying me for the last 25 years of my life

I had a weird dream last night about cats

If I ever go on a reality show, I WILL be there to make friends

If I ever go to prison, I won't join a violent gang; instead, I'll start my own gang of nice people, and instead of shanking other prisoners we'll pat them on the back, and instead of riots we'll stage bake sales, and we'll all get happy face tattoos, and our motto will be "Check that frown at the cell door before you ...enter general population, buster brown!"

Almost every conflict arises not from violent intent or even ignorance, but from the human tendency to value one's own opinions and beliefs above everyone else's

When I observe someone who is not demonstrating universal love and compassion in a non-judgmental way, I automatically look for a big rock to throw at them

How come there is no such thing as a formal suit that has short sleeves?

On Scooby Doo, when they find out who it was dressing up like a monster to scare people away, and the police come to arrest him, what do they charge him with? Is it against the law to dress up like a monster and scare people?

If someone gave me a box with a button on it, and said that every time I pressed the button I would get a million dollars but someone I didn't know would die, I'm not sure what I would do. But one thing is for sure, I would build a huge memorial to the 90 people who died that first day.

There is a Jodo Shinshu Buddhist Temple and Meditation Center opening in Barrow County next month, three miles from where I live. I'm stunned.

On the top of my list of things that are awesome, gigantic water slides, disco balls, and robots. In that order.

The Heat has killed hundreds of people this past summer. No wonder they're the most hated team in the NBA.

For some reason, the last week or so of my life has been almost completely drama-free

When you look at a list of ingredients and it says "Natural And Artificial Flavors" it might just as well say "stuff"

I've often thought that if shrimp lived on land, we would call them bugs and they would creep us out.

If I could have anything I wanted, I wouldn't want more possesions, unless you count hot twenty-year old slave girls in skimpy harem costumes feeding me grapes as "possesions"

I just saw a grocery store sign selling "ANUS BEEF".....Geez, I know times are tough, but seriously?

HOW TO ARGUE: If you make a point, it's crucial; if I make a point, I'm "splitting hairs". If your opinion is popular, that's proof of how right you are; if my opinion is popular, then I'm a mindless sheep. If you don't agree with me, it's because you're an independent thinker; if I don't agree with you, I'm close-minded.

She told me she would always be there for me, but she didn't tell me where she was

God never gives you more than you can spend

In conversation, I like to take the bull by the horns; lately, it feels more like I am taking the horse by the tail

Whenever anyone says "Big Brother is watching you" I always think of Wally Cleaver, and I wonder what he's thinking when he's watching me

If aliens ever see us fishing, they may get the idea to hover in their UFO's and dangle bags of Doritos in front of us, and then when we go to eat them, BAM!!

Sometimes I think Q is too far towards the middle of the alphabet, and that it should be closer to the end along with the other oddball letters, V, X and Z. Q shouldn't be hanging out with P or N.

God never gives you more than you can bitch about

Sometimes I wonder if fleas fight over which part of the dog they get to live on

If WIlliam Ling built his own free-standing office with a clock on the face of it, to house his collection agency in Billings, Montana, then every day you would hear Bill Ling's Billings Billing Building Bell Ding (Thanks to Chris R. Owen for most of that)

My son thought that Crime & Punishment was written by Warren Peace. It would be funny if he didn't really think that.

I think a lot of people who write love songs are really codependent

I've run out of things to say

I wonder if Bigfoot ever feels depressed because no one really believes in him

I was reading about a product that women put in their hair called "BUMP ITS" but the way it was written I thought it said "BUM PITS" and I thought, damn, who wants THAT in their hair?!

I think there should be a Miss Universe and a Mr. Universe every year, and that they should be shot out in some random direction into outer space. That way, if the earth ever explodes, there's a chance that humans will survive. And they'll be AWESOME!!!

Some days you're the captain, and some days you're that red-shirted ensign who gets killed before the first commercial

If I was a psychiatrist and I had to diagnose a violent psychopath, to him I would say, "You're a violent psychopath...But in a good way" because I believe in making people feel good about themselves.

At one point in High School I was so far behind, that my senior year I took a course that was actually called "Math And Junk Like That"

If I was a secret agent like James Bond, I wouldn't want a car that shoots oil slicks or darts, if I was in a high-speed chase I would want a device that made people think blind old ladies with baby strollers were crossing the street in front of them. That would slow them down, or at least make them feel guilty the rest of their lives.

I wonder if all the executives at Disney are given special training in what to do if you magically switch bodies with another person? Because I'm guessing it happens all the time at Disney.

You know how David Banner gets really angry and turns into the Hulk? It would be funny if, when he gets really mellow, he turned into a woman.

I'm not prejudiced and I don't discriminate against any groups of people. Some of my best friends are groups of people.

I wonder if anyone's ever thought of using medicinal marijuana to treat eating disorders

He told me his problem was, he only wanted women he couldn't have. I said, that would seem to leave the field wide open.

If I was a woman, and I was looking for a make-up artist, I think I would look for the least attractive one I could find, because it seems like those would be the ones who would really have to get the most out of their make-up

Love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful. "Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Give, and it will be given to you."

If Jesus walked on water, will the Anti-Christ swim in dirt?

We all need at least one friend whose life we can look at and, no matter how bad things are for us, we can thank God they're not THAT bad

If Leatherface had been Amish, we would have had The Texas Handsaw Massacre

I bet its really really bad when the Silver Surfer wipes out

I think a good movie would be one about a serial killer who targets people over 100. But he doesn't use any weapons, he just goes home and waits.

If someone is only saying things that you agree with, that means they're not "fair and balanced"

If Ric Ocasek had been Amish, his group would have been called The Horse & Buggies

Feel old? Try watching Back To The Future with an 11 year old, and find yourself saying "That's how things were in the 1950s" as much as you say "That's how things were in the 1980s"

Volunteering this morning, taking Quinn to the dentist, then home to clean the house and chill out. This is my life now.

I think every one convicted of being an internet predator should have to watch the movie "Hard Candy" with Ellen Paige

Jesus said to her, "Woman, where are your accusers? Has no one condemned you?" She said, "No one, sir." And Jesus said, "Neither do I condemn you. Go, and sin no more." (John 8:10-11)

Someone told me this weekend that my problem is (and take note, I LOVE people telling me what my problem is) that I'm so nice, I expect everyone will be nice, and people usually aren't. I don't know what to do with that.

If they made an Amish version of "The Electric Company", I bet they would just call it "The"

The question that owl teachers get asked the most at parent-teacher conferences: "How's my kid doing, wise-wise?"

If there were aliens with 100 fingers and toes, I bet they would be really great at math, but their version of Sesame Street would be all "Sesame Street was brought to you today by the letter B, and by the inverse coeffecient of the square root of pi as it bisects the trilateral angle in this geometric configuration..."

I bet elephants are really angry and depressed. You know, because they never forget.

When people come to America from other countries and they don't learn our language and they don't learn our customs, and they still dress like they did before and they don't change their religion or the foods that they eat, it doesn't really affect me one way or the other, so I don't care

They say that right before he was assasinated, Abraham Lincoln dreamed that he died. To me, the most amazing thing about that is, he didn't have that dream every night.

I'm not really all that nice

I'm so tired that I could have sworn I just heard Stevie Wonder singing "Signed, Sealed, Delivered, Up Yours!"

Went to a bird show at Calloway Gardens, and the instructor brought out an owl. She said the owl came to them after it got hit by a car and they nursed it back to health, and then she went on about how fast it could fly, how sharp its talons were, and how great its eyesight was. When she asked for questions, I raised m...y hand and said "Can that owl not see cars coming right at it?"

Have you ever noticed that the louder and more obnoxious a person is, the more interesting they think they are to other people?

My friends are so redneck, they won't go see a Foreigner concert. They wanted to know what's wrong with going to an AMERICAN concert?!

Baptists came to my door last night and gave me a gospel tract and invited me to their church. I don't know why, but I thought it was kind of surreal.

Whenever I start to think that my ex is the craziest woman on earth, I talk to Peter Stapleton and I feel a little better.

I'm all for technology but sometimes I wish you could slam a cell phone in someone's ear like you could with the old landlines

God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7

I wonder if the Human Torch ever gets dehydrated, because you'd think he would be really thirsty

If people from Poland are Poles, why aren't people from Germany Germs, and people from Cuba Cubes, and people from Holland Holes?

Two three year olds are talking, and one says "Yesterday, I found a condom out on the veranda." And the other one says "Wait, what's a veranda?"

Not a lot of people know this, but Abraham Lincoln was born in a log cabin that he built himself

I was watching the Partridge Family, and Shirley had a date with a doctor, and Laurie called him "Doctor Groovy" and I though, "Damn, I want to be called Doctor Groovy!!!"

More and more I see people posting pictures of themselves sticking their tongues out, and I don't think it's attractive. I blame Gene Simmons.

If anyone ever tries to take me hostage, I think what I'll do is, I'll pretend that I'm taking THEM hostage, and see how they like it.

If I'm ever on an airplane and have a heart attack or something, and the crew has to ask if there's a doctor onboard, I hope it wouldn't be the super villian Doctor Doom. It doesn't seem like he would be much help.

I fear for my children, but not for my children's children, because I don't believe that children should be having children

There's nothing sadder than an elephant sitting in a bar drinking, and trying to forget

You can live in harmony with others and accept your place in the universe, or you can live in competetion with others and try to be the best and have the most. One way leads to peace, the other to conflict and frustration. You choose.

I'm not getting all high and mighty. I already am all high and mighty.

If all the trust has gone out of your relationship, I suggest you try being honest and sincere. Trust me, she'll totally buy it.

Just saw an episode of Little House where Charles was confined to a wheelchair. How lame is that?

My son told me I'm a "square" and that when he has kids, he's going to be a cool dad

Happy Labor Day to anyone who's ever been in Labor, or joined the Labor Party

A true friend is someone who doesn't hate your guts

Why don't more Catholics name their kids NEAL? And why don't more Baptists name their kids DUNCAN?

Sometimes I like to go hear the symphony just so that, whenever there's a pause between pieces, I can yell out "Free Bird!"

What if there really are such things as "soul mates", but your soul mate lives in another galaxy and you live in a society that has yet to master intergalactic travel? What then? You're screwed, I guess.

If you're a cop working undercover at an underwear factory, be careful when your boss says it's time for your debriefing

I always tell my kids, Don't give up. They tell me to stop saying it, but I can't, because that would be giving up.

I'm all for tax cuts for the wealthy, because wealthy people have enough money to buy laser weapons and hunt us all down for sport, and I don't want to do anything to get them mad.

When Mark David Chapman was being interviewed by his parole board, I bet they just kept asking him how does he feel about Paul McCartney

If Somali pirates ever raid a cruise ship full of nudists, I bet the first demand they make is for a ton of Lysol to wipe everything down

I bet there's no crime in a nudist colony, because where would you conceal a weapon?

You don't really hear much about alien abductions anymore, and I think that's because the "Tag and Release" Phase of their plot to take over the earth is complete

My friend Jack needed a new kidney and asked me to pray for him, and my friend Jackie was going through a divorce and asked me to pray for her. But I got them mixed up when I was praying, and they delivered the kidney to the wrong house.

I'm joining a group to raise awareness of Peer Pressure. I don't want to, but everyone else is telling me I should.

I keep believing that things will eventually get better

A candle's flame is not diminished by lighting another. Rather, light and warmth grow. So it is with wisdom, and joy, and enlightment. When you give of yourself, you lose nothing.

Shape clay into a vessel; It is the space within that gives it value. Place doors and windows in a house; it is the opening that brings light within. Set spokes within a wheel; it is the emptiness of the hub that makes them useful. Therefore, be the space at the center: Be as nothing, give no thought to self, and you will have everything to give to others.

When I go to the bank and they're rude at the drive through and then they're like "HAve a nice day," I like to jam wet paper towels in the pneumatic tube and then hit send and be all "Have a nice day!" and then drive off.

Why don't police cars have guns mounted on them like tanks?

If I ever move into a haunted house, I would leave my television playing a Victoria's Secret DVD, just in case I ever get sucked into the TV by otherwordly demons like on Poltergeist

Whenever someone tells me they're a Vegan, I never believe them, because Vega is 26 light years away and it would probably take a long time to get here from there

Whenever a headhunter calls me to talk about placement, the first thing I ask is if they're a human resource professional trying to recruit me, or if they're an actual headhunting cannibal who wants to shrink my head and put it on a keychain, because, damn, how embarrassing would that be?

I think we should have a National Day set aside to honor the guy who invented the long orange extension cord

When I die and my life flashes before my eyes, I hope it includes all the deleted scenes like the Director's Cut, instead of having to go back and watch them later

If identical twins married identical twins, I wonder if they could theoretically have kids that were identical twin cousins? It seems like they could

Even now, 27 years after the release of "Footloose", it's still illegal in Barrow County to kick off your Sunday Shoes

What the scientists aren't telling you is that, by saying Pluto is no longer a planet, we affect the immigration status of every Plutonian here.

Sometimes I come home after a hard day's work and wish I had that certain special someone to come home to....and that's when I like to look around at some of my married friends, and I think "Whew!!"

If I ever have to go up on a roof to talk to a crazy person who is threatening to jump because they think they can fly, I would just tell them that if it's true, then they could just as easily take off from the ground

I read that that weird girl Snooki from Jersey Shore got fined for being annoying? If that's a crime now, I expect to see a lot more celebrities showing up on America's Most Wanted

I'm ready to settle down

Most people who want to go out and get wasted, don't want to go to a place where everyone knows their name

Things just haven't been the same since they stopped making lawn darts

I think we as a society should learn to put aside all our political and religious differences, and just go back to hating clowns and lawyers

Feeling stressed and kind of down today. I really need a hug. Preferably from someone hot. And no dudes, or family members.

Hoy amigo, tal igual como ayer, La lucha en el barrio no cambia Nuestros hijos son los que han de crecer Por ley de la calle, viviendo entre abrazos y chingazos

Will you marry me?

If I was going to start a punk band, we would call ourselves "The Dudes"

Bind yourself to nothing, seek harmony with all. Then you will be truly free

You can't keep a good man down. Especially if he's on a trampoline.

Being Episcopalian is like "Catholic Light". There's a third less guilt than that regular religion.

In addition to being a gigantic, hulking ghoul with no soul, I bet Frankenstein's monster smells like crap

If there was a device that could translate dog's barking into English, I bet the two most-used phrases in Dog Language would be "Hey! This is AWESOME!!" and "Hey! I'm going to attack you!"

Police in Barrow County recently apprehended a pickpocket with leprosy, after they received an anonymous tip

Whenever I see a small kitten purring and looking up at me with his big, playful eyes, my heart almost melts for a second, but then I wonder if that's just the emotional reaction he wants, so that I won't suspect he's secretly planning to horrifically murder me in my sleep

I say we amend the U.S. Constitution to guarantee our right to carry Lawn Darts. They can have my Lawn Darts when they pry them from my cold, dead hands

If a pirate calls you up in the middle of the night to tell you where his treasure is buried, is that considered a booty call?

If aliens ever came to earth and wanted to understand humanity, or asked why should they not destroy us, I would give them the first three seasons of Cheers on DVD

My friend Susanna is having Chicken Mole for dinner. I didn't know there was such a thing as a chicken mole. Does it lay eggs? Does it live underground? Weird.

Cling to what you know to be true, and not how you feel about it. Human emotion is like the shifting sands beneath your feet, but Truth and Grace are solid and unchanging. Stand on these, and endure.

I think there should be a Boy Scout ranking above Eagle Scout, and it should be called Gorilla Scout. Because there is nothing more awesome than a Gorilla.

If I was King of England, the first thing I would do is stop knighting old people, and only knight people who could survive three minutes in a cage match with Danny Bonaduce

If you're being attacked by a badger, the universal distress call is to scream at the top of your lungs "Help, I'm being attacked by a badger!"

In the Temple of Doom, you're enslaved by having your heart removed in a brief ceremonial ritual, and then you're forced to labor thanklessly for the rest of your life. It's just like marriage.

If I could rule the world, I don't think I would, because I bet ruling the world is a pain in the ass.

Underneath your harsh exterior, there lurks a heart of stone

In the future I imagine, instead of teaching about Keats and Dickens and Proust, we'll have stodgy college professors teaching courses on Springstein and Bob Seger and Jackson Browne.

Happy Hump Day (If you know what I mean)

Edward Scissorhands handily defeated his brother, Johnny Paperhands, but he was no match for his other brother, Big John Rockhands

I'm brave enough to admit that I'm wrong, and I'll prove it to you if it ever happens

Sometimes it seems like there's enough lint in my dryer's lint trap to make a whole new set of clothes

Everytime I hear about someone being attacked by a maniac with an ice-pick, I always think "Why do people still have ice-picks?"

I don't think people accused of bigamy should ever do jail time, because to me it seems like bigamy is its own punishment

Usually when a man tells a woman "You deserve better" he really means "You deserve me, because I'm better"

Kill them with kindness, but always make sure they're really dead

Most people will go out of their way to tell you that they don't care what people think about them, because that's what they want people to think about them. If they really didn't care, they wouldn't say anything.

ATTENTION PEOPLE: "ALL RIGHT" is two words, not one. "A LOT" is two words, not one. Let's get it straight.

Overheard at the Barrow County Citgo on Patrick Mill Road: "Boy, you couldn't sell big tires to a redneck!"

If Captain Hook was serious about getting rid of Peter Pan and the Lost Boys, he would set up some giant bug-zappers around his ship

It must really hurt to get a tattoo on your neck, because I've never met a person with a neck tattoo who was nice

They say if you fall off a horse, you should get right back on. But I bet horses say, if you buck a guy off and he gets right back on, you should buck him off again.

If I ever get nominated to run for President, as my running mate I would choose an inflatable Spider-Man, just to keep the Secret Service on their toes.

I know that sometimes monkeys can learn sign language, and that's impressive. But what will really impress me is when monkeys start teaching us their language.

When someone I don't like calls me, and I don't call them back, or only call at times when I know they won't answer, then they call me again and they say "We must be playing Phone Tag," I always think, "No, we're playing Phone Hide And Seek."

If an evil man ever finds an evil jeannie and wishes he could rule all the planets of the solar system, I bet the people on Pluto would laugh and laugh, because they would be free to launch a resistance movement against all the other planets

If eating utensils ever had to choose a king, I'm pretty sure it would be the spork. Because all of the sporks would choose it, and at least some of the forks and some of the spoons.

If someone married three women at the same time, isn't that trigamy?

I've been released from the Disney vault for a limited time

So I got in the car, put on my seatbelt and backed out of the driveway when I heard a noise and wondered how long it would take me to get out of the car if there was a family of angry, rabid possums in my backseat. Probably less if I didn't have to wear my seatbelt! Thanks a LOT, lawmakers!

If I was going to be executed and they asked what I wanted for my last meal, I would ask for Frankenberry cereal, a McRib Sandwich and a Shamrock shake. There's no way that all three of them would be available at the same time.

So this chick dumps me, and then hooks up with this other guy and then dumps him, and then hooks up with this other guy, and now they're getting married, and I'm yesterday's leftovers, I guess.

The Spiritual person is concerned with his own conduct and the well-being of others; the Religious person is concerned with his own well-being and the conduct of others

If I'm ever elected to public office, I hope it's not treasurer, because I would hate dealing with all the pirates

People tell me I should stop putting up with all the drama and abuse from so-called friends who just use me whenever they need something from me, and start making real friends who stand by me and don't judge me all the time, so I've been introducing myself to all the dogs in my neighborhood

My last girlfriend left me because she got tired of all the PDA - My Public Displays of AWESOME!!!

Fall is officially here. This morning I stopped at the QT to get gas, and got a bottle of Sierra Mist Diet Cranberry Splash.

To me, there is nothing more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful poem, one that captures all of the grace and beauty in creation. Also, being read by a bikini model, who is serving me beer.

I bet if you ever told someone that they were as peaceful as a dove, but it was a person who had ever been attacked by a swarm of doves, it would really make him angry

I have this theory that during caveman days, aliens not only visited the earth, but taught ancient man how to build houses, establish cities, train animals to open cans and live inside cameras and be needles on their record players, and build cars that they could start and stop by sticking their feet through the floor.

Someone told me about this speed-dating thing where you sit down with a woman and you have just three minutes to impress her before she gets up and leaves? That's how all my dates go.

I'm urging everyone today to call their Congressmen and urge them to ensure that Obama's Healthcare initiative covers the Rockin' Pneumonia and the Boogie-Woogie Flu

Cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny

I think what made the Tyranosaurus Rex such a ruthless predator was not its size, but its anger at having to scratch itself with those tiny little arms.

I bet cannibal police use pepper spray not only to deter violent felons, but as a seasoning for when they're convicted and eaten

Contrary to what you may have been told, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the tiger or the elephant or the rattlesnake. It's a hundred butterflies with razorblades glued to their wings.

If I ran a funeral parlor in Egypt, I think a funny joke would be to tell people who were planning funerals for their loved ones that gift wrapping was extra. You know, because of the mummy thing.

First of all, I am 100% against animal fighting of any kind. But if people staged parrot fights, I bet it would be fun to teach them to trash talk each other before the fights started.

If I was a judge, I would always keep a parrot in the courtroom with me. And just for a joke, I would train it to say "GUILTY!" whenever the defendant's name was mentioned.

Set you mind and your heart on God and seek Him in all things and in all ways. Everything else will take care of itself.

My dream is to one day drive a go-cart across the country to raise awareness of the fact that, if people donate enough money, you can accomplish anything. Like riding a go cart across the country.

I just got an email from the company that I want to work for, telling me that there is a position available that I am qualified for. So I applied online. Let's all pray that I get it.

Fourteen years ago today I was standing in the delivery room looking down at my little boy. I don't remember what I thought life would be like but I know it hasn't turned out anything like what I might have been expecting that day. Happy Birthday, I love you Quinn!

I remember the day Quinn was born, and how I wanted to get it all on video to remember it by, but I couldn't get Kathy to hold the camera steady

Whenever anyone asks me what kind of music I like, I always say "Pretty much everything....except WHATEVER MY KIDS LISTEN TO!"

Bugs are always trying to eat us, but since they're so small they can only eat little bits at a time. I wonder if, when bugs dream, they dream of swallowing people whole.

I went on a tour of a primate research center on Saturday. I noticed that the monkeys all had playground equipment in their habitats. I guess that's why they call them Recess Monkeys.

Relationships are worth fighting for, but not if you're fighting with guns and ninja throwing stars

Why are there no professional psychics to speak to deaf dead people in sign language?

If it's true that life only has whatever meaning we assign it, that's no reason to give up. On the contrary, it means that that is our highest calling, and our most noble purpose.

It seems like, if you're convicted of larceny, you should be called a larcenist

If you cut off a starfish's leg, not only will the starfish grow a new leg, but the leg will grow into a whole new starfish. That's why I'm glad they're not evil.

Every time I hear about a guy committing a murder-suicide, I always think, it's too bad he wasn't really disorganized and try that in the wrong order, because then it would just be suicide

In all of our charitable efforts to feed the hungry, it's easy sometimes to forget that lots of them are thirsty, too

The next time you're tempted to judge someone because of their past, or their religion or politics, consider that maybe they work for the CIA and that's part of their cover

One of the hardest things about kickboxing, I imagine, is getting kicked in the mouth. Because that's another dude's foot, and now it's on your mouth.

A woman needs constant reassurance that she is loved, and that she is the most important part of your life, and that you would do anything for her. But not a random woman you meet on the street, who you don't even know.

Whenever I hear someone say "I wish it would stop raining" or "I wish it was Friday", I always think, if somehow you got to make one wish and that was what you wasted it on, you would feel really stupid. So whenever I wish it was Friday, or that it would stop raining, out loud I always say "I wish I had unlimited wealth, and absolute power over every living being in the entire universe."

I wonder if Yoda has to ride in a car seat

My cousin Dennis told me that when a horse breaks its leg, they usually shoot it. But I don't think it helps. I think the horse usually dies.

Took the afternoon off to spend with Quinn and we spent 3 hours cleaning the house. Now both kids are out and I have a whole night to myself - what am I doing? Laundry! It's official. I have no life.

You know how a stage magician will put his assistant in a box and then stick swords all in it, and then the assistant emerges unhurt? It would be more convincing if you heard the assistant screaming, and had blood come spurting out each time he stuck in a sword, and then at the end it would be like "TA DAH!"

I'm all for raising awareness of Breast Cancer, but let's all try to be a little more positive and just raise awareness of breasts

Every time you see a clown, he's either really happy or really sad. What I'd like to see is a clown that just doesn't know what the hell is going on, or maybe an angry clown with giant teeth

For me, the hardest part of living in China would be having all the change fall out of your pocket, because everything is upside-down

Happy Birthday to John Lennon, the visionary who taught the world that all you need is love, even though technically that's not true, you also need food, shelter and clothing

I'm not afraid of bees. If bees ever attack me, I'll punch them all in the face.

When things get stressful, I close my eyes and imagine myself in a peaceful meadow, and I'm really drunk

You don't even care, do you?

If the earth was invisible, and we could look straight through and see the people in China and Australia, would we be so quick to want to bomb them? Probably not

My sister was driving around looking for her dog who'd gotten out, and her two year old in the back seat said "Where is that damn dog?" Patti said, "No, say 'darn'" and so Cammie said "Darn, where is that damn dog?"

Here's how tired I am: The alarm went off at 4am as usual, and every time I hit the snooze button I imagined that the number 4 was a troll that I kept chasing away

Is there a song that's sadder than "Tuesday's Gone"?

The time to procrastinate is now!

Nothing can beat a military career to teach a man about courage, honor, and duty. I said duty. Heh.

At the height of her career in the mid-sixties, Lassie was paid in excess of $1000 per half hour television episode. That's over $7200 in doggie dollars.

The only person whose opinion matters about gays in the military should be Dick Armey. Get it? Dick Armey? No? Carry on then

I just saw a Law & Order promo that said the detectives suspect foul play when a surfer is murdered. Doesn't murder always mean foul play? I thought that's what the word means.

I'm updating my resume to include a section on BEING FREAKIN' AWESOME!!

There comes a time in every person's life when the cold light of reason has failed, the storms of passion have abated, and there's nothing left to do but freak out

Why are obsessive personalities always neat freaks? How come you never hear of a person being obsessively sloppy?

I honestly believe that if God appeared to us, the one message He would want to convey to all of mankind would be "Just chill out"

Pandora is playing "The Wreck Of The Edmund Fitzgerald" and it kind of reminds me of my ex-wife

I hate cockroaches, and I'm pretty sure that cockroaches hate themselves too, because every time you turn on a light, they run away

...And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. (Romans 8:28 KJV)

If you get in a fight with a Klingon, you have to kill him, because that's how Klingons are

Indy went outside with two of his friends, and came right back in because they were starting to do stuff that was stupid and dangerous. So apparently, some traits aren't inheirited

How many times have I run over squirrels before I moved here? None. Since I came to Barrow Co?? Five!! Even the squirrels in Barrow don't seem to really get it.

The message of the Gospel is that God's love is eternal, that He accepts us as we are, and that all we have to do is accept God's grace. That we've managed to corrupt this message, into one of intolerance and judgment, is one of the great tragedies of history.

A good magic trick would be for an assistant to climb into a basket, and the magician starts sticking swords into it at all these different angles, and every time he does, the assistant screams and blood comes spurting out, and then someone in the audience screams and call the cops, and they come in with their guns drawn and shoot the magician, and then in the end everyone goes "Ta Dah!"

If someone ever travels back in time and gets stuck there, I think a good thing for them to do is to start selling antiques. Because not only would antiques be everywhere, but they'd be in perfect condition. Think about that. I just blew your freakin' mind, didn't I?

You would think that a woman would be flattered if a guy raved on and on about how hot her identical twin sister is, but you'd be wrong

Every time I watch Chuck, I wonder if spies really go around using the word "spy" all the time?

If there's something that people refer to as cheese that isn't really cheese, it's always something gross

Sometimes, as I go through my life, I kind of feel like Jane Goodall living among the apes, trying to figure out why the hell they do the stupid crap they do. This is especially true when people start talking politics.

We get mad at God because we don't think we get everything we deserve, when we should be thanking Him every day that we're not getting what we deserve

Young people always ask, "How do you know when you're really in love?" and "How could you tell that she was really the one for you?" but no one ever asks "How do you know when you really, truly hate someone?"

Street mimes are always pretending to run against a strong wind, or be shut up inside a box, or sew their fingers together, but what I would really like to see one do is jump off a building. For pretend, I mean, of course.

God doesn't require the past of you; He only asks for today. God doesn't promise you the future; He promises His eternal favor. Eternity is not some far-off, hypothetical place with harps and wings: It's right now, it's where you've invested your heart and your hope. Choose well, and be awesome.

In another twenty minutes it'll be 10/20 2010 10:20

I just ordered new checks. I feel like I've kind of outgrown the Superman checks I got last time. I wanted something a little more sophisticated. So I got Batman this time.

If I ever ran for office, and my opponent tried to characterize me as "crazy", I would point out that the word "crazy" is so subjective as to be meaningless, and that my opponent is so obviously trying to evoke an emotional response from the voting public without providing clear alternatives, that it calls into question his or her ability to effectively govern. And then I would be like "In your face, BEE-YOTCH!"

I think the only real progress any society has ever made has started with inclusion, when we learn to stop thinking in terms of "Us" and "Them". This is the root of virtually every conflict, that we don't think in terms of everyone being in the same boat, facing the same issues, deserving the same rights, having the same responsibilities.

Kathy sent Quinn a box full of brand new clothes yesterday. He was excited until he realized that none of them fit, and then he found a note in the bottom that said "These probably won't fit you, since I bought them a year ago." Mother of the Year!!

The best advice I ever gave was to my friend, who was going through a divorce, when I told him to just let go. Coincidentally, this is also the worst advice I ever gave, to my other friend, an industrial window washer.

I saw a part of Miley Cyrus's new video "Who Owns My Heart?" and for those who are wondering, the answer is, "Just any random old dude who happens to be at the club"

In addition to the stuff with Quinn and the "Don't" Care Package his mom sent him, today someone stole $20 from me, the phone bill came in $40 over what it was supposed to be, and someone jammed a piece of glass in the keyhole on my front door so my kids were locked out of the house.

Today I have a parent-teacher conference with two of Quinn's teachers. I have nothing else to say.

If anyone ever asks me what to take for a hangover, I'm going to tell them to take a whole bunch of alcohol right before bedtime

Today Quinn missed the bus and had to walk to school. When he complained about having to walk the six miles, I almost told him "When I was your age I walked twice that far every day and I LIKED it!"

I bet Clark Kent would do really well at the "Guess What Color Panties You're Wearing" Booth at the County Fair

Do non-Spanish speaking people realize that the words to the Santana classic "Oye Como Va" just mean "Hey How's It Going?" in English?

They say if you go to prison, you need to find the toughest guy in there and just go up and stab him, and that way no one will mess with you. But if I ever go to prison, I think what I'll do is, find the toughest guy and make some horribly sarcastic remark that leaves him reduced to a sobbing mess of tears and self-recrimination.

Whenever I see a sign that says "Caution - Children Playing" I just keep driving, because I'm not afraid of children. Except for those babies with bat wings and really sharp teeth that come down my chimney at night.

When I was a kid and we would go on vacation, I was always afraid that hobos would move into our house while we were gone, and when we got home we would find them gathered around a big metal barrel with a fire burning in it in the middle of our living room. Now of course, I know, it was hobophobia.

Some songs really make you think, and some songs just make you sad, but I don't know of any songs that make you just think you're sad

If I was a chicken who wanted to fly, I would climb up a mountain and jump off. I might not make it, but it'd be better than waiting for someone to chop my head off.

You know those things that look like sand dollars with long tentacles that fly through the air screeching and attach to your body and suck all the life from you til you're an alien zombie? What are those things?

What would be an awesome natural wonder is if someone figured out how to combine quicksand with one of those geysers, so like, some teenage adventurer is out in the jungle with his scientist dad, and the dad slowly sinks into the quicksand and the whole adventure team is sitting there crying, and *BLAM!!* his body comes flying up out of the quicksand! AWESOME!!

Ladies, if you're dating a guy who's afraid of commitment, you should dress up in a bride dress if you really want to freak him out for Halloween

When someone tells you something that you've done wrong, whether its at work or at home, if you've offended someone or angered them or just hurt their feelings, a good thing to do is listen patiently, and then when they're finished, pat them on the shoulder and say "No need to apologize, of course I forgive you" and then walk away

I've never watched Glee and probably never will, unless they do an episode of all songs by the Sex Pistols

I've run out of words

I have a paralyzing fear of intimacy. That's what I'm dressing up as for Halloween.

When you wear those HD sunglasses, things look so much more clear that its like they're right there in front of you

For the first time in my life, I feel like it doesn't matter whether I vote or not. All of the candidates seem really good at attacking and blaming, but no one seems to have a clear direction. Republicans used to stand for smaller gov't, but that doesn't seem to be true anymore. And the Dems seem intent on selling us out to China and making our great-grandchildren pick up the bill. What's the point?

I'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you, I know you were right, believing for so long! I'm all out of love, what am I without you! It can't be too late to say that I was so wrong!

I'm not going to vote and for the next four years I am going to complain that there is no one worth voting for.

Have you ever noticed that when you criticize someone's candidate, they immediately criticize yours? Say, "Obama hasn't accomplished anything" and they say "Bush didn't either!" Or you say "Bush was the worst" and they say "He was better than Obama"...it just goes that way forever...

When a woman talks about how much pressure society puts on them to get married or have children or be succesful, usually by "society" she just means her mother

She looked so sad and dejected, so I asked her what was wrong. She looked at me with tears in her eyes, "I guess," she replied, "I'm no good at hiding my feelings." I took her hand and said "You are, my darling, if you're secretly happy."

If I died and accidentally got sent to Dog Heaven, I don't think I would mind so much, except for the food.

Instead of having to register guns, we should have guns that, when you pull the trigger, flash a screen that says "Are you sure that you want to do this? After all, every death that you cause not only ends someone else's life, but fundamentally changes the person that you are as well." That way, the shooter has to consider the consequences of what they're doing, and might not be so quick to pull the trigger.

Month of thankfulness!! #3 - Today I am thankful that I am no longer married to that soul-killing, castrating shrew whose sole purpose in life is to make my boys' lives miserable, and here's hoping she lives at least 7 more years so that I can milk her of every penny in child support, and then she spontaneously combusts when she's consumed by her own Evil!! Amen!

I think a good horror movie would be a werewolf who tries to eat a squirrel right before its shot by a silver bullet and dies, and then the squirrel goes around creating an army of undead wolf-squirrels who live in trees and swarm over unsuspecting victims for hundreds of years

You know how those environmental, animal rights people are against zoos because they say they're inhumane? I bet they hate that Paul Simon song about how it's all happening at the zoo.

Ran around for three days making sure Quinn's science fair project was done, all the materials were bought, pictures taken and printed, all of his documentation was presentable and mounted for display, so that it could be turned in on time....email from the teacher this week that he never turned it in, I told her to ask him where it was, and he took it from his locker and turned it in 10 days late!!!

I think that when you die, you first go eat at the Waffle House, then you catch a connecting flight out of Hartsfield Airport to get to Heaven. Unless you're bad, then you stay at the Waffle House 24/7 and wait tables

Took away Quinn's X-Box, iPod, and cell phone for one week. Quinn: "Just don't break any of my stuff." Me: "Two weeks." Quinn: "Two weeks?" Me: "Or, I could just break something if you want."

It would be funny if there was a lavish Broadway musical that was a sequel to "Singing In The Rain" that was called "Pneumonia"

Since Europe uses metric, and the Proclaimers are from SCotland, why didn't they sing "I would walk 804.672 kilometers, and I would walk 804.672 more just to be the man who walked 1609.344 kilometers to fall down at your door..."?

If someone dies and goes to hell, I bet a really good job down there would be working as a cashier, for whenever anyone says "There will be hell to pay"

Thanks for the friend request, Jessica Paschal - You've just bought a one way ticket to AWESOME!!! Population: Mark!!!

I bet Superman looks at people naked through their clothes. I bet he does it to everyone, he can't help it; for him, it's one of those little habits that people have that they just don't tell anyone about. I'm surprised people don't call him on it, "Are you looking through my clothes?" "No! God, No! I would never do that!" "What were you looking at just now?" "Just....you know, through the floor at the....dirt..."

If there's anything sweeter than having a newborn baby fall asleep in my arms, it's having that baby's mother take him out of my arms

Why is that you can get life insurance, and accidental death insurance, but you can't get accidental life insurance for unplanned pregnancies?

Is a doctor ethically obligated to report to a patient that he sees signs that the patient is turning into a werewolf, if he doesn't believe in werewolfs?

If animals had religions, I think bears would make good Buddhists

If you can't stand to socialize with people who have no interphalangeal joints, then you're probably Lack Toes Intolerant

This morning I awoke to the sounds of a bird's sweet song, and gingerly pulled back my bedroom curtain to see a baby deer tenderly picking through the grass by the meadow just beyond, and I said a prayer of thanks for all of God's quiet beauty and grace, and then I shot it.

Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. (James 1:22-24)

I had to leave my kids alone at home for a few hours the other day, and someone asked me, "How do your kids do when they're home by themselves?" And I said, "I don't know, I'm usually not there."

On the elevator, overheard a coworker say that she wasn't aware there was a time change between Utah and Nevada....and I said "Yeah, in Utah it's still 1850" Ba-dum-bump!

As you climb the ladder of success, it's important that you learn to truly value people. That way, you'll be able to buy and sell them like cattle once you reach the top.

How do I know this isn't all some beautiful, magical dream?

What good is it, my brothers, if a man claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save him? Suppose a brother or sister is without clothes and daily food. If one of you says to him, "Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed," but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it? In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead. (James 2:14-18)

Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show it by his good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom. But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. (James 3:13-14)

Every year I make it a point to thank all the vets for our continued freedom, and every year they escort me out of the animal hospital for "harrassing" them

I think a good thing to teach a parrot to say would be "That sounds interesting. Tell me more about that."

I wonder if scientists could isolate the Talking Gene in parrots, and the Suicide Gene in lemmings, and then made a bird rat that talked about how depressed it was right before it jumped off a cliff into the ocean.

Dear Woman who cut me and three others off this morning trying to decide which exit lane to take onto 285, nearly killing us all: Please rethink the "Choose Life" theme on your vanity plates. Love, Mark

Brothers, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against his brother or judges him speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it. There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you--who are you to judge your neighbor? (James 4:11-12)

Another way that Star Wars predicted the future: Yoda was the first one to use a Snuggie

Livin' La Vida Caca

A fun science experiment would be to feed Pop Rocks to monkeys. I don't know that it would prove anything scientific, but it would be tons of fun to watch

Instead of being put in jail, I think child molestors and serial rapists should be used as crash test dummies

There's really only two instructions I want to give to people if I die: One is to have me cremated, and the other is that my loved ones learn to let go of me. Otherwise, they'll be walking around with my ashes

I was on a tour of the primate research center and they were showing the Rhesus monkeys, only I thought they were "Recess monkeys" and I asked if that's why they had playground equipment in there. The scientists laughed, and I thought this would be a good supervillian story, where I gain monkey-like abilities and vow revenge on all the scientists who laughed at me.

It's so awesome when you volunteer somewhere thinking you are going to be a blessing to others, and it turns out the ones who are in need are the ones who school you in faith, and patience, and optimism. What a blessing!

Be patient, then, brothers, until the Lord's coming. See how the farmer waits for the land to yield its valuable crop and how patient he is for the autumn and spring rains. You too, be patient and stand firm, because the Lord's coming is near. Don't grumble against each other, brothers, or you will be judged. (James 5:7-9)

Forget Free Bird or Stairway To Heaven - I think the classic rock song of all time is Sweet Emotion

I'm not the kind of guy who has this twisted need to go around making other people feel inferior to me. It just always seems to happen that way.

You know that footprints poem, where there's only one set of footprints, and that's where Jesus carries you? I wonder if he carries you piggy-back style, or just slings you over His shoulder?

It takes a long time search all four corners of the globe, because the globe is round and has no corners.

Someone offered me tickets to go see Usher once, but all he did was show me to my seat.

Some people say that, with the economy faltering and wars raging overseas, we may be on the verge of a new Dark Ages. That's why I'm investing my money in flashlights.

I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes: first for the Jew, then for the Gentile. For in the gospel a righteousness from God is revealed, a righteousness that is by faith from first to last, just as it is written: "The righteous will live by faith." (Romans 1:16-17)

If you're looking to me to solve your problems, you're in worse shape than you realize

Seek God with all your heart, pursue God with every aspect of your life. Never believe that you've gone far enough, but rest, and rejoice that there is always farther to go. Never quit.

Now that Beyonce's pregnant, I guess she'll start singing "If you like it then you should have put a bun in it"

I've never asked for any special consideration that wouldn't be given to anyone as AWESOME!! as me

In the history of the world, I don't believe anyone has ever sold themselves into slavery and not immediately thought "Well, that was a really bad idea!'

If I was that evil guy on Footloose, I would make the children dance all the time, as hard as they could, everywhere they went, twenty four hours a day.

Isn't it ironic that MacKenzie Phillips was on a show called "One Day At A Time"?

Not broken like a toy...Broken like a horse....

Its a good thing that Yogi and BooBoo are still just interested in picnic baskets and haven't started to maul people the way real bears would have, because what would that look like?

Based on his age and body type, I wonder if Santa Claus is diabetic? It probably doesn't help that all he gets on Christmas eve is cookies and milk. Plus, all that venison he eats in the off season probably doesn't help his gout.

Don't cry...Don't raise your eyes...It's only 44 Year Old Wasteland

I am officially a charity case. I just used one gift card to buy another gift card.

It doesn't seem fair that the entire point of "A Christmas Carol" is that Scroooge doesn't want to be remembered as a miser who hates Christmas, and yet today when we say "Scrooge" that's exactly what we mean

When Neanderthal Man slowly started to grow in population and displace Cro Magnon Man, I bet there was a Neanderthal Boy whose dad wouldn't let him date the Cro Magnon girl next door

Don't tell me. Show me.

Women break your heart and whiskey breaks your liver

I've always thought it was important to learn to forgive yourself. But more important than that is, you have to do something bad to forgive yourself for.

If anyone says they want peace on earth more than I do, well, he better be prepared to back that up, is all I have to say....

I try to teach my boys that they should cherish a woman, and always tell her how beautiful she is, and how important she is in their lives. But only if it's a woman that they know, not some random woman they see walking down the street.

One of the most difficult and frustrating times in history would have been living before the invention of paper or scissors, so that everyone would just keep choosing "Rock" and ending in a tie.

I think competitive weightlifting would be a lot less boring if they started greasing the floors before each match

Live every day like it's your last. Hooked up to a ventilator in the ER.

Seek God with all your heart, pursue God with every aspect of your life. Never believe that you've gone far enough, but rest, and rejoice that there is always farther to go. Never give up.

Probably caveman children were happy to get coal in their stockings

The good news is, if anyone needs a liver, the doctor says mine is huge...

I think a good TV show would be called "The Juggler" and it would be about a master juggler who wanders from town to town, trying to pick up odd jobs juggling, while eluding rogue federal agents who want to discover the secret to his juggling so that they can weaponize it and take over the world.

‎"Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited. Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody." (Romans 12:14-17)

How come cowboys always rode horses when they were on a cattle drive? Why didn't they just ride the cows? And how come they weren't called "Horseboys"?

To everything there is a season, A time for every purpose under heaven: A time to be born, And a time to die; A time to plant, And a time to pluck what is planted; A time to kill, And a time to heal; A time to break down, And a time to build up; A time to weep, And a time to laugh; A time to mourn, And a time to dance; A time to cast away stones, And a time to gather stones;

God doesn't require the past of you; He only asks for today. God doesn't promise you the future; He promises His eternal favor. Eternity is not some far-off, hypothetical place with harps and wings: It's right now, it's where you've invested your heart and your hope. Choose well, and be awesome.

Being in the hospital is kind of like being a baby. You have to learn to walk all over again, you spend most of your time staring at the ceiling, and everyone pays attention to you.

Every morning in Barrow County, there are traffic jams at all the stop signs. Because the signs just tell you to stop, but there are no signs telling when you can go again

When you cook things that are fattening, they make you fat, so what happens when you cook with shortening?

Whenever anyone asks me how I'm doing, I don't know if they're asking about my time in the hospital or if they're just being polite.

I don't know why conservatives aren't all up in arms about Superman. He's doing the jobs that Americans won't do, and he entered this country illegally.

I bet the worst part of living through that first Christmas was, they only had like a day or two to set all the computers to Year One.

God made us imperfect, and set us in an imperfect world, not to delight in our suffering but to delight in our continued triumph over suffering; not so that we wouldn't know joy but so that we would continually find our own joy; and not so that we wouldn't understand Him but so that we would choose Him every day

Saying that the removal of religious icons from public places is a War on Religion, is like saying an empty can is a War on Beer

I just saw a link that said "Click here to find the Waffle House nearest you"....Seriously? In Atlanta, just stick your head out the window.

So many wonderful memories are made up of all of the wonderful things that we remember

Chicks dig me, and I dig them, and chicks dig me digging them, and I dig being dug by chicks

It's ok if you believe in Santa Claus, just don't be a fanatic and force your beliefs on everyone else

I wonder if Clark Kent's dad ever used kryptonite as punishment

There will always be those who doubt, and mock, and explain away our history and our faith, but the fact is, something happened in Jerusalem 2000 years ago that not only changed the course of human history, but has been changing human hearts every day since. As for me, I choose to believe. Merry Christmas everyone!

Just a tip to all my friends in the USA: Most states have home invasion laws that make it legal to shoot and kill anyone coming down your chimney

Snow in Atlanta on Christmas Day...Christmas Miracle, or Sign of the Apocalypse?? Film at Eleven...

This Christmas I have a lot to be thankful for. A lot.

I'm trying to be more positive and optimistic about life, but I'm sorry, I still hate snow

I don't like using turn signals, because people don't need to be knowin' my bidness

Actions speak louder than words, except if you're yodeling

Yesterday, Quinn asked me a question about girls. I shook my head and said, "Chicks, man, what can you do?" And with that, I passed on to him almost 45 years of accumulated knowledge on the subject.

After a lot of soul searching and contemplation, I've concluded that, when you're lonely and tired and you decide that it's time to settle down and get married, cold-calling women out of the phone book is not the best way to go about it.

This morning I saw the cutest little bunny hopping through my yard, leaving delicate tracks in the snow as he went. For a moment I contemplated the beauty that can be found in small, perfect moments like this, and then I shot it.

I find your lack of self-esteem disturbing

‎2011 is going to be the year when all your dreams come true! Except hopefully, not that one where you're out in public and suddenly realize you're naked.

If you died today, could you live with all the regrets that you would have?

This morning, my car broke down, and I accidentally called AA for a tow. They said that they could help, but I had to first admit that I had a problem, and that my car had become unmanageable

The new cashier at McDonald's so clearly wants me. It's obvious by the way she ignores me and won't take my order and avoids eye contact, she might as well throw herself across the counter at me. It's so obvious, it's embarrassing.

I don't judge people based on material possesions or how much money they make. I judge them based on what they look like.

How many cows does it take to make a stampede? More than two? More than ten?

My Jamaican friend Gloria had all her chairs reupholstered in an off-white color. Now she's Gloria in Eggshell Seats (Day-O)

If I was a superhero I would be Captain Awesome, and my sidekicks would be Action Boy and Neato Girl

It's easy to point out others' shortcomings, and to mock people and laugh them, while ignoring your own faults. That's why I do it all the time, because it's so easy.

When someone tells me they're fat or they're ugly or something else disparaging about themselves, I've always found it entertaining to just say, "Yeah, but I didn't want to say anything..."

Here's something to ponder as you go about your day: If the gravity of the moon is enough to cause tides in the ocean, why isn't the inertia of the Earth's rotation enough to slam you into the nearest wall every time you jump up in the air?

If I was Spider-Man, I would hate it when people call me "Spidey". No one calls Superman "Supey" or Batman "Batty".

You know you're getting old when a woman only talks to you in public hoping she can set you up with her mom

Secrets will break you. They will break your life, your love, your being. They will break your spirit. If you truly love someone you will keep no secrets. Unless you're Batman.

I've always thought it a good idea to set aside a few minutes every day for meditation, prayer, and banging your head into the wall muttering "Stupid, stupid, stupid..."

We saw a Yogi Bear cartoon in the doctor's office today, and Indy said "Why doesn't Yogi just kill that ranger guy, and then he can do whatever he wants?" I didn't know whether to be proud or frightened.

The boys used to have a tradition with their mom that they watched "The Sound of Music" every year. We kind of do the same thing, except we watch "Die Hard"

People always tell me that age is just a number, but so is blood alcohol content

When I get my car valet parked, I like to leave an envelope filled with baby powder on the front seat, then say "Be careful not to touch that Anthrax."

If I had just one wish during this magical holiday season of giving and sharing, it would be for absolute power over every living being in the entire universe

I don't care if they legalize gay marriage, as long as they don't make it mandatory for everyone

Never bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact, don't even go to a gunfight.

If I was President of Iran, I would change the national anthem to "Iran, Iran So Far Away". And if I was President of Iraq, I would change the national anthem to "I Am Iraq, I Am An Island" Because I am awesome like that.

In his later years, Vincent Van Gogh's biggest regret was not the loss of hearing from the ear he'd cut off, but the fact that he was never able to wear glasses

"ME: What day is today?
MY KID: The seventh
ME: No, wait, it's the eighth...
MY KID: Well, it was the seventh yesterday!"

When people ask me why I don't drink anymore, I tell them I'm divorced, so I don't need to drink anymore

If you walk through life angry and disappointed, your expectations are probably too high

If I was the old cowboy guy on Old Yeller, I would have told Travis that the only cure for rabies was a gunshot, and then when the dog died I would have said "You must have done it wrong"

Today at the store I ran into two different people that I haven't seen in 30 years: Lee Ann Hall and Steve Minton - Isn't that weird? You don't even care, do you?

Does anyone else think its weird that there were only four police officers on 21 Jump Street, and yet they were always at different schools and never ran into kids that already knew them? How many high schools were there in that city?

If I was a politician, I would just carry a gun around with me. Just once, it would be great if a political target got a few rounds off.

I think part of the training to work at McDonald's is to never give packets of ketchup unless someone asks for them, and then give ten times more than anyone could ever use

For those of you who think that all this snow is a sign of the Apocalypse, it's not in the Bible; it's in the Norse Edda that the world ends by freezing during Ragnarok. So if you're going to panic, at least panic correctly.

You know that part of the Grinch who stole Christmas when his heart grows three sizes? I always laugh at that part, because that's called cardiomegaly and it's usually fatal, and that bastard deserves it

Law & Order: UK is just like regular Law & Order, but with funny wigs

The hardest part for young Clark Kent being Superboy probably wouldn't be explaining why the two of them look exactly the same, but explaining why they both have super-powered dogs that looks exactly the same

Snow is Atlanta's kryptonite

OK here's what I don't get: All these homeless drug addicts who are always getting beat up and abused by their dealers....why don't they just buy their drugs from NICE drug dealers?

I met a beautiful woman who said she would only go out with Irish Mexicans, so I said "How do you do, my name is Juan O'Malley"

I'll vote for any President who promises never to come on TV when there's a good show on

If I could be an inanimate object, I think I would kind of want to be a piñata, because I would be all full of candy and people would love me. But then, I really hate getting hit with sticks, so, nevermind.

I think the worst sign of the zodiac to be would be cancer. Because, you know, it's cancer, and that's, like, a bad disease.

If animals could scream, we would probably treat them better and not abuse them. Unless they were really obnoxious, and screamed obscenities at us for no reason.

I don't think we should try to change others. We should just change ourselves. Except for babies, who still need to be changed a few times a day.

You know how they say "Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there"...? I'd rather they be there like an insurance company, not a good neighbor, because neighbors don't pay for stuff that gets damaged the way that insurance companies do

Pirates always have wooden legs and eye patches and hook-hands. I think when you choose to be a pirate, pieces just start automatically falling off of you

I wonder why Vikings don't protest the fact that their main god Thor is a superhero. Christians would be lined up for blocks protesting a superhero modeled after Jesus

Whenever you go to someone's house and they have a poorly-trained dog who jumps all over you, they always say that the dog "thinks it's a person" and is "just like one of the family" and I always think, "Really? Because no one else in your family is crawling all over me and licking me"

I just watched an episode of Investigating History about the ongoing debate concerning Bonaparte's death. As for me, I think the really important thing is, he's dead.

The worst part about being a Mormon would be having to wear the Jesus Underoos

I wonder if flesh-eating zombies have to watch their cholesterol, because it seems like they would

I think zombies would do much better if, instead of being scary, they were nice, so that people would want them around. Then they could satiate their lust for human flesh. And sometimes I think that's why Casper is such a friendly ghost.

You know how football coaches are always screaming "I can't hear you?" at their players? I wonder what they do at schools where all the kids are deaf?

If there's a wealthy elderly person in your life who tells you one day that you're included in their will, as a special thank you, you should throw them a surprise party.

I want to start a mail order business where you can ship wild animals to people in the ICU. Just because I think it would be fun.

I think I could be a good undercover cop, if they ever needed to infiltrate a gang of doofus nerds

There's a new medication out to treat paranoia. Or at least that's what they want us to think.

Larry Hagman was born September 21, 1931. He was been 33 when I Dream of Jeannie first aired in 1965, and 47 when Dallas first aired in 1978

Enjoy that Miss America crown, seventeen year old chick from Nebraska. The rest of your life is all downhill

What do you get when you keep making Canadian french fries over and over the same way? Routine poutine

It may be that ignorance and apathy are the biggest problems facing America today. I don't know, and I couldn't care less.

If everything were really as bad for us as the media want us to believe, then why aren't more people dead?

Wherever he is now, since all the Zodiac signs have changed, I bet that Zodiac killer is feeling PRET-TY stupid!

In all of nature there is nothing sadder than an elephant with a keg, drinking, and trying to forget

I thought I was going to say something but then I realized that I wasn't

Do you hate me? she asked. "Hate is such a strong word," he replied. "You're right, I'm sorry, are you upset with me?" she asked. "No," he replied, "I hate you."

All of my friends keep telling me to go to this seminar on resisting peer pressure

Dear guy who honked and flashed his lights at me driving West on 316 this morning: As much as I'd like to, I can't drive any faster than the car in front of me. That's like on of the Laws of Physics. Look it up.

How come the movie Top Gun is about Navy pilots but the song says "HIGHWAY to the danger zone"...??

Every time I get an automated voicemail system, it says "Please listen carefully, as our menu options have changed" but I wonder how often they REALLY change their menu options?? And why would they change them so much?

You know what would be a really easy job? Barber at a military academy

I like how every fake, cheesy cop TV show has an episode where they go to the set of a faker, cheesier cop TV show just to show how realistic they are, when really they're not

The people who say that there is no God and man is just another animal are usually the same ones who say that man-made things are ruining nature, but if man is just another animal then anything he does is natural, right?

I wonder if fleas wage wars against each other over which parts of the dog they get to live on

You know you're getting old when you see pretty girl and you wonder what her mom looks like

If you ever have to go see a psychologist, a fun thing to do is, every time they ask you a question, say "Why do you wanna know that?"

When everyone has nothing, it'll be the ones with the most nothing who really have it all

I'm up to season 3 of 21 Jump Street, and wondering if there's a parallel universe where everyone on this show went on to stardom, except Johnny Depp, who languishes in obscurity

If you give a hundred and ten percent, you might win the football game, but you'll probably fail math class

"Jorge: You let your kids play Grand Theft Auto?
Me: So? I watched Superman cartoons but I never jumped off a building
Jorge: But there were times you wanted to.
Me: Sure, when I was married."

If its bad luck to see the bride before you marry her, how are you supposed to know what she looks like?

Why doesn't the Federal Government set up some fake Social Security numbers to catch identity thieves, the same way that highway patrols use bait cars to catch car thieves?

I wonder if Westboro Baptist Church has a daycare? If they do, the kids probably spend their days protesting at other daycares with signs that say "God Hates Toys"

My ex wife is starting up her own search engine to compete with Google. Here's how it works: You type in what it is you'd like to search for, and it comes back with all the reasons you're so stupid you don't know where it is in the first place

If your ears are burning, it means someone is talking about you. Usually they're saying "Hey, get the fire extinguisher, that guy's ears are on fire!"

Every time a politician gives a political speech, the newspapers always say what they're EXPECTED to say, so why do they bother to give speeches if everyone already knows what they'll say?

In most spider populations, the females will immediately kill the males after mating with them. This is opposed to humans, where they drag it out for years and years.

99 Luftbaloons is such a happy, bouncy song about nuclear holocaust

I told her I was getting old, and she said that 45 was not that old. But it's older than I've ever been before.

I love it when I'm at work and a person asks a question but doesn't like the answer they get, they say "Who can I ask about this then?" and I say "You can ask me, and the answer is no."

You know you've failed somehow when your two kids are making "Your Mama" jokes to each other

I saw an ad for a "BAGLESS" vacuum cleaner and I misread it to say "BAGELS" vacuum cleaner, and I thought to myself, wow, that's a very specific appliance.

14-yr-old negotiating: Ask for something. If turned down, wait five minutes, ask again. Repeat forever.

Indy asks me every night to wake him up in the morning, just in case he forgets to set his alarm. But if he can remember to ask me, why can't he remember to set his alarm?

Working from home tomorrow. Glad for the break, but if I had to work from home everyday, not only would I have no social life, but my wardrobe would consist of one pair of jeans, 100 t-shirts, 50 pairs of pajamas and a bathrobe...

I cried because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet, because I stole his shoes since he didn't need them.

"DEB: There goes a firetruck. I hope everything is ok…
ME: Usually, the presence of a firetruck would indicate that everything is NOT ok."

I've never been hunting before because I don't believe in killing deer, but I have broken their kneecaps and warned them to keep their mouths shut.

CNN is reporting that Nabisco is opening a plant in Israel, so they can start selling the Cheez Its of Nazareth

Why do so many men spend so much time telling women how beautiful they are, then say they want a woman who acts like she doesn't know how beautiful she is?

I hate when I'm up late at night watching TV and I hear weird noises that freak me out, and then it turns out the noises are on TV

Went to the doctor's this week and I tested positive for AWESOME!!!

Chinese New Year is so confusing. Here it is Year of the Rabbit when I'm just getting used to writing Year of the Tiger on my checks.

I want to be a vegetarian but I feel so bad for the people who make steak sauce being out of work

Never tell your wife or girlfriend that you're only drinking to make her more attractive. They never believe it.

Why is it that viruses and bacteria only make us sick, and none of them give us superpowers?

In the movies, two people hate each other but really love each other, and then one leaves and the other one has to run a long way to catch the other one and say "I love you" before it's too late. But that never happens, really.

Why are there no homeless people on Sesame Street?

It's impossible to be a badass when you use the word "ANYHOO"

Just filed my taxes. It's the one time of year when I don't mind being poor.

Before you bury your loved one, always check to make sure they're really dead first

ALmost without fail, whenever someone says "No offense" what they really mean is "Offense"

"ME: Indy where is your charger?
INDY: The one for my phone?
ME: Yes, son, the one for your phone.
INDY: WHat do you need it for, to charge your phone?"

This morning on my way to work I was driving behind a Barrow County schoolbus and the driver threw a lit cigarette butt out the window. Stay classy, Barrow County.

I don't believe that money makes people happy, but I don't think it makes anyone unhappy.

Someone told me today that I was "very charming". OK, I'll take that. But for some reason I feel like I should be wearing a tuxedo or something.

Remember that time we got caught between the moon and New York City?

Some days are Diamonds, some days are Dog Turds

When they count the people who died because of the cold, I hope the take off the number of babies conceived because of the cold

You would think with all the technology and advanced weaponry at their disposal, the Empire could have afforded to build an inhaler into Darth Vader's armor

If the Proclaimers sang in binary, the song would go "I would walk 111110100 miles and I would walk 111110100 more, just to be the man who walked 1111101000 miles to fall down at your door…"

Once when Quinn was a baby, I was holding him and someone came up to me and said "Hey, is that your new baby?" and I said "No, I have an unformed twin growing out of my chest." Good times.

Maybe the charcters on the TV shows that we watch secretly watch TV shows about us

In life there are three kinds of people: Those who are good with math, and those who aren't

Newborn babies are as interesting as Sea Monkeys. They do nothing but they're interesting because they're there. Next, they're as interesting as fish. They still don't do anything but they'll at least move at a loud noise. Next, they're as interesting as dogs, like maybe they know a few tricks. Then they get to be as interesting as monkeys: Everything they do is funny. It's like evolution.

If you tell a kid to clean the kitchen and you try to be nice by saying he doesn't have to do any of the dishes that are in the sink, all he'll do is pick up every dish in the kitchen and put them in the sink

I wish I could go back in time and live my life over, because now I know how much I could have gotten away with

It's not enough that the government takes all our money, the cruelest thing is that they make the laws impossible to understand and then make us fill out the forms. It's like a bully making you give yourself a wedgie.

If you're worrying about becoming bitter and resentful, you probably already are bitter and resentful

Tax forms are just the government's way of saying "You tell us how much you owe, and if you get it wrong we'll crawl up your intestinal tract with a microscope."

My life is all about helping the helpless, bringing hope to the hopeless, and defeating the feetless.

If a kid is raised by wolves, you could probably eventually teach him English, but I bet he'll always have a Wolf accent

It's a mystery wrapped in a riddle and covered in chocolate

If I was President, I would propose a Constitutional Amendment guaranteeing all Americans the inalienable rights to marshmallows, lawn darts and waterslides

You say potato, I say tomato

An enemy is just a friend who wants to kill you

Whenever anyone says "Where do we go from here?" I always think "Disneyland!" but I hardly ever say that out loud. I just always want to go to Disneyland, I guess.

You know what would have been awesome? If John Wayne had made a movie with Elvis.

Someone once told me that I wouldn't know a good idea if it came up and bit me. But I disagree. If it came up and bit me, it would NOT be a good idea.

I wonder what Stalin thought of the song "Marching Through Georgia"?

Sometimes I wonder if there are people secretly watching my every move, and how incredibly boring their lives must be

I eat chicken like a caveman

If you're mentally ill and you're of average intelligence, you go to a hospital for treatment. If you're mentally ill and of above-average intelligence, you go to a nightclub and do stand-up

My son once asked me why didn't Superman have a sidekick, like Batman and Aquaman do? I said because Superman was so awesome, Batman and Aquaman are his sidekicks.

It's a good thing that "Tommy" was written in the early 70's and not the early 80's, because I don't think a deaf, dumb and blind kid could have played Pac Man or Asteroids

This chick told me that I shouldn't be refering to chicks as "chicks".

Dear Elton John, A man who makes potions in a traveling show is probably a drug dealer.

You know what would be good? A Dr. Pepper cappuccino. How about it, science?

If I looked like I was still in high school, I can think of 100 better things to do than become a cop like the guys on 21 Jump Street did

Here's what I don't get: No matter how big or small the box of Raisin Bran that you buy, it still says two scoops of raisins

I like the show Bones but they should have a better theme song, maybe one that explains the show like the old days of Gilligan's Island and Patty Duke

If I was getting on a plane with a bunch of Arabic dudes, it wouldn't really bother me. But don't ask me to fly with a Peruvian soccer team.

A good superpower to have would be the abilty to look at someone and tell what their favorite food is. If you were a person who threw a lot of dinner parties.

On Star Wars, if the Force can be used to choke people and lift things up, can it also be used to tickle people and scratch uncomfortable itches while watching TV?

I wish that women came equipped with sensors to tell us how codependent and dysfunctional they are, like a list of ingredients on a box of cereal

Someone asked me if I would ever marry outside my race, and I said, I did marry outside my race. It was kind of an accident though, because she told me she was human.

A mom on Dateline NBC just described a device she had installed on her teen son's car: "If there is a sudden motion indicating an accident, it will send a text message ten seconds before and then ten seconds after."

I don't know how or why, but the little Mexican dude at the Subway next door doesn't make the sandwiches as good as everyone else there

On February 14, be careful who you wish Happy VD to

If scientists ever develop a pill you can take to cure being in denial, it won't matter because no one will ever take it

Quinn acts like an angel for everyone but me, and no one believes what a terror he is at home. When I tell people the crap he does at home, I feel like the guy on Mr. Ed trying to tell people that my horse can talk.

If you only surround yourself with and listen to people with whom you already agree, you'll never hear anything new, never challenge your own faith, and never grow. Don't worry if someone's tone is right or if they're "respectful" enough of your beliefs: Listen to people, consider their points, and allow yourself the possibility that there's room in your heart for new things. Then you can be awesome.

I never believed in astrology until I moved to Columbus and discovered that the two hottest chicks there, Barbara Bice-Wood and Jennifer McLeod Hagerty had the same birthday. Now I believe.

Sometimes I get overwhelmed, and I think my problems are insurmountable. That's when I look at myself in the mirror and I say "Cheer up, things aren't that bad!" And then I look again and say "Shut up, what do you know?" And then I take my pill.

Give respect without demanding respect in return. Give love and live with no expectations. Be as the sun and the rain, which give with no judgement or reservation. And then, you will be awesome.

Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars, So watch out for Uranus

Went into the Subway and the muzak was playing "Summer of '69" and the cashier asked me what I was doing back then? I said that's hard to say, really. She suggested that I might have been at Woodstock or something, and I said, no, actually I had just turned three. Do I look 65 years old?

The Founding Fathers understood that a self-sufficient general populace didn't like and wouldn't trust a big central government. They even drafted a Constitutional Amendment that allowed us to carry guns to protect ourselves from THEM. No other government in the world can claim that. God Bless America.

I hate it when someone gets an answer that they don't like and then they say "I'm confused." Just because you can't have something your way doesn't make you confused, it makes you a crybaby. And if you're still confused after it's been explained to you, unless we're talking about quantum theory, you're an idiot.

Quinn was telling me about a girl who was "hot" but she was also "really crazy", and I thought, are we cursed like werewolves or something? But then he said he didn't like crazy chicks, and I was able to sleep last night.

I just told a woman in the lobby that she smells awesome. It's official: I'm a dork, and I've been single too long.

I was just alerted online that there is a new "Focus On The Family" toolbar for your browser. I'm guessing it will warn you about anything vaugely gay, or hints at paganism, voodoo, or Halloween candy.

I'm not being stupid, so I would appreciate it if you don't be stupid either

People who followed the Grateful Dead around on tour were called Deadheads, so I guess if there were people who followed Hall and Oates around they would have been called Hall Monitors

If you find it in your nature to be kind and compassionate, to be clear-minded and calm, and to remain optimistic in the face of many trials, don't for a second fool yourself by calling it your gift to God. It's God's gift to you.

In Unity there is Strength, in Solitude there is Truth, in Action there is Purpose, in Silence there is Meaning

I think a good name for a hippy would be Sirius Bongwater

If you put a muzzle on a pig, then he'll be disgruntled

I want to start a charitable group and call it The Society of Truth, Faith, and Unity, and then spread the word with all kinds of T Shirts and Bumper Stickers with our initials

There are two kinds of people on Facebook: Those who post every bit of personal information, and those who are afraid of gremlins spying on them through the internet

How come gay people aren't allowed to get married but celebrities are?

I overheard a pregnant woman at the Barrow County Wal Mart tell her friend that she hopes she'll have a boy, so then her baby can count to 11

If vegetarians just eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

I wonder how long macaroni existed before someone said "This is really great stuff, but you know what it needs? Cheese."

Today I realized something about myself. It doesn't matter what political point you try to make, my instinct is to argue with you about it, just because I like to.

My next door neighbor came over today. She's cute but I can't date her because if she's a stalker, then I'm going to wind up like one of those lobsters in the fish tanks at the grocery store just waiting to be plucked up and dunked in boiling water

Last night I was falling asleep while the TV was on and a commercial came on for Homeowner's Insurance, only I was half asleep and I thought they said Homo's Insurance and I thought "Well, gays have their own insurance now, that's awesome."

There's a rule in my house that my kids can't fight with other kids. And if they do, they're not allowed to fight kids who have hot moms. And if they do, they're not allowed to win.

I hate getting in the last word when what I really want to do is keep arguing

Why would the Jackson 5 think it was a good thing to shake your body down to the ground? Because that sounds like a seizure to me.

I think there should be a more politically correct name for the Loch Ness Monster, I just can't think of one.

Whenever I see a sign that says "Caution - Children Playing" it doesn't bother me, because I'm not afraid of children.

My BS levels have returned to normal. Bloodsugar, I mean.

I wish the Somali pirates would hijack a boat with some ninjas on it, and then we'd be able to settle the whole ninjas versus pirates once and for all

Why do we spend so much time and effort telling kids to use their imaginations, and then punish them when they lie?

I went to see a British doctor, and my condition was upgraded from "Bloody Hell" to "What's All This, Then?"

It's sad to lose your cell phone. It's sadder when you don't miss a single call the whole time it's missing.

When I was a little kid and girls would pass me notes that said "Do you love me? CHeck Yes or No" I would always draw an extra box and write "Maybe", because I wanted them to work for it

I've usually found that if a woman's parents or kids disapprove of her dating you, she might not be the right one for you. But if her therapist and parole officer and AA sponsor don't approve, she's definitely wrong for you.

If there was a blind guy who liked to read but didn't have any feeling in his fingertips, then I bet he would always have his nose stuck in a book

Women:Chocolate::Men:Bacon

Tonight Indy asked me how could a Christian be a racist, if they believe that someone is inferior, why does that mean you have to hate them? Shouldn't it be the other way around, and you'd want to take care of them? Good point for an 11 year old.

The more you think you understand, the stupider you really are

People are fleeing Libya and going to Egypt? Isn't that like fleeing to Alabama to get away from the rednecks in Tennessee?

How much does the media love bad news? Gas prices went up .15 a gallon this week and the newsanchors on Channel 11 were so excited I thought they were going to start making out with each other.

"ANDY: I was hanging out with Mick.
ME: That's cool, what's he been up to?
ANDY: Oh, you know, the same old thing.
ME: Really? Are you sure? I haven't seen him in 27 years, and he's STILL hanging out in his parents' basement listening to the Sex Pistols?"

I just talked to a guy whose first name was Hashish

The more passionate you are, the more people doubt what you're saying is true. And, also, want to medicate you.

I know why they don't have Hermit Conventions. Because they're hermits.

At work I sent out an email that said "I need to know when the installation took place, and the name of the contractor you hired." I got back an email that said "I don't remember when it was, but a guy came out and did the installation. I don't remember his name."....Why did you even bother to reply to my email, dude?

You know what bugs me about Indiana Jones? Unless it's made of plastic, there's no way that bag of sand weighs as much as that idol head

If I was the Terminator, I would go back in time a HUNDRED years and kill Sarah Connor's grandmother in her horse and buggy. The movie would last about 10 minutes though.

Everyone always talks about how great Fridays are, but saturdays are way better

Why aren't the people who make Doritos and Taco Bell lobbying to legalize marijuana?

You know those ringtones that only teenagers can hear? I'm pretty sure my voice is that way, except the opposite. Teenagers can't seem to hear any words that come out of my mouth.

On Google, I typed in the word LAME and it came back "Did you mean JONAS BROTHERS"?

I think we're all spiritual beings with rights and responsibilities, and all of our problems stem from how important our superficial differences are, when religion or politics allow us to think in terms of "us" and "them". I don't like to think this way, but if I did, I would want to be one of the "us" and not one of the "them".

When cooking the perfect steak, I've always found the most important ingredient to be meat

People don't mess with me, because on the streets, I'm known as a badass. At least, on the one cul-de-sac where I live, with three retired couples, a guy in a wheelchair and a lady with 12 cats.

I wish life were more like beer commercials

If you lead a horse to water and you have to make him drink, what you have there is one dumbass horse

I bet glaucoma is the most popular disease to have right now

At 8:10 I told Quinn to get up for church, at 8:25 I told him to get up again, at 8:40 I told him I was leaving in 5 minutes, and he still didn't get up, so I said just stay in bed, I'm going. When I got home and unplugged his X-Box, he said "What are you mad about? You told me to stay in bed."

Watching SNL (hosted by Anne Hathaway) last night, and wondering how did I miss this when it was first on? Then I was like, oh yeah, I was in a coma...

You know those commercials that are supposed to make kids never want to try meth? I bet they make a lot of people not want to ever have kids, too.

If you joined the United Society of Believers in Christ’s Second Appearing and read exclusively from the book of Psalms, then you would be a Psalt Shaker

Happy people like to to flaunt good news, like kids who have candy like to tease the ones who don't have any. And then unhappy people feel like happy people stole all their happiness. I'm not sure who's stupider.

I wonder if Superman ever gets bugs in his eyes when he's flying

If my life was a job, I would ask for a raise, because I've earned it

With all the attention he's getting now, it seems like Charlie Sheen has very little incentive to stop doing drugs.

Don't worry, if I ever win the lottery, I won't forget all the common poor people who used to be my friends

If I was Chinese and people just assumed I was Chinese because they thought all Asian people were Chinese, I think I would get offended just on principle. Or at least act offended, just to mess with their heads.

I don't think we should refer to celebrities like Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan as "train wrecks". Train wrecks happen and then they're over; they don't just keep going on and on forever.

God made us imperfect, and set us in an imperfect world, not to delight in our suffering but to delight in our continued triumph over suffering; not so that we wouldn't know joy but so that we would continually find our own joy; and not so that we wouldn't understand Him but so that we would choose Him every day\\

If I owned a pizza place, I would call it Give Pizza A Chance, and if I owned a cheese shop I would call it Cheeses Are Just All Right With Me, and if I owned a greeting card store I would call it Changes In Platitudes

How come there's no mouse flavored cat food? Or cat flavored dog food?

It's too bad Patrick Swayze isn't still alive to kick Charlie Sheen's ass like he did in Red Dawn

INDY: Pop, I want to go live with Mom!
ME: OK, go pack your stuff, give her a call and we'll drive down there.
(Five minutes later)
INDY: Pop, I don't really want to go live with Mom.

I'm so heterosexual I once scored with a chick at an Indigo Girls concert

Something can be mainstream, traditional, and viewed as normal by the average person, and still be wrong and stupid. So please don't use these arguments when you're defending a position or opinion that you have.

QUINN: What does it look like I'm doing?

ME: It looks like you're getting ready for me to whup your little ass, but what ARE you doing?"

People who hate aren't dangerous because of what they say. They're only dangerous if we listen.

Here's my impression of someone with strong political beliefs: "Blah blah blah, THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!"

I used to have a fear of being irrelevant but now I guess it really doesn't even matter

I thought the purpose of the Terminators was to blend in so that the humans wouldn't spot them, so why does Skynet make them giant dudes with German accents, and hot brunettes wearing leather?

Little Johnny got circumcised and the next day at school complained about the pain. Soon after he called his mother, he went back to class and was immediately sent home. She rushed to the school and said "I thought I told you to call me later?" Johnny protested: "You said you couldn't get me right now, and that I should stick it out until after lunch. That's when they sent me home."

In your opinion, what animal would be the most awesome if it could be genetically engineered to have bat-wings added to it?

Does anyone else have a person in their lives who is so thoroughly annoying that all they have to do is say hello and you want to smack them? Where even the stuff that you agree with, you automatically categorize as ridiculous crap when they say it? Is it just me?

I accidentally locked myself out of my Happy Place, and then it burned down

Tomorrow is the first Saturday in a very long time where I have nothing that I have to do and nowhere that I have to be

When did it become a thing for women to start taking pictures of themselves looking surprised or confused? It's not a good look.

I think I would respect a politician who had a public meltdown and started cussing people out, or even got in a fistfight with someone

Every day I thank God that my kids don't do at their age what I was doing at their age

"I was bored today and I started texting people my new emoticon that I made up.
:()+<
It's a Frogman"

In the cartoons, when Aquaman goes back to Atlantis where everyone lives and breathes underwater, why do they still call him Aquaman? Down there, he should just be "Man".

If you identify yourself with one political party and you always take their side and argue their points no matter what, and if you're always critical of the other party no matter what they say or do, then you have no credibility at all.

I think being a traffic reporter in Atlanta would be one of the easiest jobs ever, because traffic is always bad at the same times in the same places everyday.

I think it's really really stupid to combine two people's names together to indicate that they're a couple.

Why is it that whenever high school kids tell you what the popular kids are doing, it's always something incredibly stupid?

I got an idea. Let's let Libertarians run the economy, Dems handle all the social issues, and conservatives fight all the wars.

Man shall not live by bread alone, but by peanut butter and jelly also shall he live

I'm giving up all my inhibitions for Lent

You know how on The Little Mermaid, the mermaids were all so judgemental about land people eating fish, like it's so uncivilized and barbaric? That's a little hard to take, especially since all fish ever eat is each other.

The years between birth and 15 years old seem like 25 years, from 15 to 20 seem like 15 years, from 20 to 35 seems like 5 years, and from 35 to 45 seems like about a week

Among Jesus' Apostles were Simon the Zealot, who under other circumstances would likely have assassinated Matthew, a Sadducee, viewed by many as Roman collaborators, and Paul, a Pharisee, who would have been a target of both. Jesus never told them to change or disavow their political affiliations; He just gave them one command: Follow Me. There is room for everyone, with all opinions and affiliations.

If Quinn doesn't turn down that rap music I am going to drop kick his ipod speakers off a highway overpass

When a woman says she still wants to be friends, what she means is "You can't get mad when I go out with other guys, but you still have to do everything I say."

Dear Sarah Palin, You were elected Governor in Alaska, the most remote and least populous State in the union, and then resigned, you ran for Vice President, arguably the most obscure position in government, and then you lost, and all of this happened three years ago....why do I even still know who you are? Best Regards, Mark

Today it occurred to me that dogs and cats might be able to see the future, but we don't have any way of knowing it because they can't talk

So today I'm like sitting at work, right? And this dude calls me up and he's like, "Dude?" And I'm all "Dude?" and he's like "Duuuuuude!" and I'm all, *click*

I don't think positive, I think AWESOME!!!

Someone tagged the sign at Patti's subdivision with the letters "KTG". Not sure, but considering this is Barrow County, we're pretty sure the gang is called Kow Tippin' Gangstas

If one person asks another person to go out, and the person being asked out doesn't usually get asked out so doesn't realize that the first person is trying to ask him or her out, then I don't think the person who's doing the asking should get mad at the other person for thinking that the first person was just making a joke, which apparently he or she wasn't

OK let's say that there was a guy who thought there should be less pudding, that there was too much pudding in the world. That guy probably would never go to work for a pudding company, right? He wouldn't make or sell pudding for a living. So isn't it weird that the people who think there should be less government are running for office?

Something to think about: In the 1970's when The Waltons first aired, the 1930's seemed like ancient history. But now in 2010's, the 1970's are just as far away to our kids.

People who suffer from internet addiction have it really bad, I know. But not nearly as they did a generation ago, because there was no internet then

Peter Parker is lucky that it was a spider in the lab that day, and not a mosquito or a roach or some other bug that's much less cool than a spider

I wish there was a recovery group for dumbasses

I don't see how the Coyote could eat a Roadrunner after he's dropped an anvil on it, so I wonder if at some point he stopped caring about eating the Roadrunner and just wanted to kill it. I sure wanted him to. I hated the Roadrunner.

If I was the guy who made Head & Shoulders shampoo, I would also market a foot powder called Knees & Toes, Knees & Toes

Why do we have a holiday to celebrate the guy who brought religion to Ireland? That's like celebrating the guy who brought gunpowder to the Middle East.

Sometimes I wonder what kind of chicks was Tom Petty dating in the 70's that he specifically had to tell them they didn't HAVE to live like refugees?

This Easter, I'm just going to be hanging with my Peeps

If people from Poland are Poles, why aren't people from Cuba called Cubes?

These really annoying guys came to my door and asked me if I wanted to be sure I was going to Heaven when I died? I said, Are you guys going to be there? Because if so, then, no.

"MOM (TO KID): You better do what I say and stop saying no to me, I don't ever want to hear you say no to me again! Do you want a spanking?
KID: I don't know how to answer that, Mom."

You've got to love a country where the two national past times are rioting at soccer games, and getting drunk and throwing darts across the room. The bravest people in the world.

I wonder if the Irish guy who first said "May the road rise to meet you" hadn't just fallen down on his face

OK, I think I got it now. If I try to call her or pay her any attention, she ignores me. But if I act like I could care less, then she loves me. This makes sense.

I'm sorry you're having trouble dealing with how AWESOME I am.

I'm pretty sure I'm not one of those guys who has trouble admitting when he's wrong. I'll let you know if it ever happens.\\\

I wonder why the Jello people haven't gotten with the cracker people to make a snack called Pudding On The Ritz

For my interview I'm wearing a charcoal suit with a burgundy shirt and a Grateful Dead tie. I'm Awesome.

Being insanely rich is probably the closest you could get in real life to having super powers. The next closest is being really really drunk.

Pray for the people who interviewed me today, that they're smart enough to tell how awesome I am

OK I just read an article about things not to do during an interview, and even though I didn't do any of them, I'm starting to think that I did horribly in the interview and the people who did the interview are probably having a meeting today to discuss how horrible I was and laugh about it

If you hate something, hit it with a shovel. If it comes back to you, run like hell.

What's fun to do is, go up to a random person on the street and say "I'm sorry." When they ask why, say "You'll see soon enough" and then walk away.

If there's anyone in California named Sarah Connor, I bet they voted against Schwarzenegger for Governor

The Red Cross came in today to see if I would donate a pint of my AWESOME!!

The pollen count is already so high that the APD is busting drug dealers for turning meth back into sudafed

Sometimes I watch documentaries about Post-WWI Germany, and all the alarmism and paranoia and propaganda they generated about the Jews, and it doesn't seem much different than what I can observe in our own culture with regard to how a growing segment of our population insists on demonizing Muslims.

You know what would be fun at a carnival? Instead of having a dude drawing caricatures, having your friends describe you to a police sketch artist to see how close he can come to how you actually look

I wonder what would happen if I went to an AA meeting and stood up and said, "My name is Mark and I want to be the best alcoholic I can be."

I'm O Positive and Kathy was A Negative, and when Quinn was born he was O Negative. I used to tell people that he got his blood type from me, and his negativity from her.

Normally I'm not in favor of electroshock therapy, but Indiana just told me that the Beatles "Revolution" sucks

Both of my children yelled at me this morning that they had no underwear like it was my fault, and so one way I'm getting back at them in a passive-aggressive way is posting about their underwear on Facebook

People think they're superior to animals, but we have air traffic controllers to keep planes from crashing into each other and exploding, and you never see two birds bonk their heads together in mid-air and plummet to their deaths

You know how some people like the movie Twilight and they get all into it and think it's real and act like they're really vampires? That's kind of how I am about the movie Die Hard

My parents always thought I had Tourette's Syndrome, until the doctors tested me and said that I just liked to blurt out random obscenities, for no reason

If I had a Led Zeppelin Tribute Band, I would call it Led Zep Again

If I was Batman and Catwoman was attacking me, I would turn on a giant vacuum cleaner. because if there's one things cats are afraid of, it's vacuum cleaners.

I know a lot of people who are afraid of heights, but I'm afraid of widths

Did you know that there's a show called Secret Life Of The American Teenager? I know that's fiction. Teenagers post everything on Facebook.

If you go to work in a company that makes sticky notes, you better be able to work in a fast paste environment

I think all the cheerleaders for the WNBA should be male

Can anyone tell me what Sharia Law is and why we need to be afraid of it? Specifically, what's contained in Sharia Law that can over-ride Constitutional protections and withstand judicial scrutiny to endanger our way of life? Because to me it seems like anti-Islamic paranoia

It's really cute when kids get mad at you for cheating at board games, except when they do that thing where they strart crying so hard that they can't breathe: That's when you have to let them win.

In Australia, when you get invited to a wedding, it's always customary to specify whether you want the platypus or the wallabee at the dinner reception

I want to remind all the vegetarian hippies out there who don't like hunting because they say it kills Bambi, that it wasn't Bambi that got shot, it was Bambi's mom.

No Gas Day is tomorrow. So, "No Chili Dog" Day is today.

So, wait a minute, Black Swan is about a hot girl who obsesses about her weight and goes violently insane? I don't know, it sounds kind of *out there* to me...

I woke up this morning and everything was great, the birds were singing and the kids were smiling and happy and work was so great, and then I woke up again and realized I'd been dreaming and everything still sucks.

Putting old men in charge of reproductive rights is like putting rednecks in charge of diversity training

I bet gay divorces take extra long because they have to divide up the wardrobe

If I ever get to be so popular that people make a statue of me, I hope an angry mob never topples it

"INDY: Do you think these cookies are bad?
ME: Indy, it's April. Those are Halloween cookies.
INDY: Yeah, the Halloween cookies, do you think they're bad?
ME: Well, yeah, I think they probably are bad.
INDY: So do you think they're ok to eat?
ME: No, son, I think that's what 'bad' means"

If there was a game called Deathball, I bet no one would want to play it because it sounds like it would kill you

I just had a horrible thought - What if my secret talent and life calling is something I hate, like tap dancing or opera or checkers?

If firemen had their own religion, they would probably call it Ladder Day Saints

They say that human beings are over 80% water, but I'm pretty sure at one point in my 20s, I was at least 50% tequila

Silence is golden, duct tape is silver

Why does facebook have relationship statuses for 10 year olds?

If I'm ever going out and I say "Can I get you anything?" don't tell me to really get you something. It's just a figure of speech, like when I say "How are you doing?" or "Call me later" or "Go ahead, jump, I'll catch you."

Evolution is so easy even a caveman could do it

In all the time we were married, I only cheated on my wife once. I confessed it right away, she cried and got angry and threw things at me, I cried and begged her to forgive me. We eventually worked through it, after our therapist convinced us not to take our Scrabble games so seriously.

The Revolution of the Gospel was not a single man performing miracles, but that all of us share in God's unmerited favor. Not burnt offerings in temples, or priests hidden by robes, but the withholding of judgement, loving your enemies, turning the other cheek. It's very simple, and can't be taken away by detractors who dissect historical documents pointing out inaccuracies. Be encouraged. Seek God, and live your faith.

Q: What do you call a guy in his mid-forties who spent the last few weeks watching every episode of Gilmore Girls on DVD and Netflix? A: Single

I don't know about you guys but all those tips from "experts" on how to dress and what to say and do during job interviews just freak me out and make me self-conscious. Just once I'd like one of them to say "Don't over-think everything." But of course, then they'd be out of work.

People always say that beauty is not on the outside, it's on the inside. But I don't think those people have ever seen a person's insides. It's pretty gross.

If Lady Gaga was really born that way, I bet her mom was in labor for weeks

If you feel worthless, and God has abandoned you or is angry at you, or no one cares, if these are what you tell yourself....then it won't matter if they're true or not; the effect is the same. You don't have to be blindly optimistic with all that Rah-Rah Think Positive BS to endure the dark times, just remember that the worst day you ever had was still just one day. Be encouraged. Endure, and seek God. Be Awesome.

You can read only the stuff that you agree with, you can surround yourself with people who believe the same way, or you can open your mind and challenge yourself, seek truth in all things, find a reason to agree, and stand on common ground. God doesn't draw lines around us, we do that ourselves.

Don't like your job, unhappy with your marriage, feeling stuck in your job and depressed about your bleak prospects for the future? There's a support group for you. It's called Everyone. We meet at the bar.

Keep Indifference Alive

Do you think people were so stoned in the 60's that they all thought Joe Cocker could sing?

If I ever win the lottery I'm going to live on a houseboat and go to Ninja School and have a pet tiger who carries around a keg of beer all the time, and work in a castle that has a waterslide filled with marshmallows

Whenever I apply for work and have to write cover letters I always get so paranoid that I'm going to make a mistake. I hate doing this so much. I also hate that everyone gives me advice and talks to me in bumper stickers, "Be Yourself", "One Day At A Time", "Things Happen For A Reason". I got all that. I just need a job.

It would be awesome if our next President's last name was Schmesident

President Zachary Taylor never voted once during his lifetime. Although since his death, he has voted several times in Chicago.

If I lived in Libya I would make a candy bar called Mallowmar K. Taffy

I hate it when I really open up to a woman and pour my heart out and tell her how much I love her and always will, and she just rejects me like none of my feelings even matter to her. Especially when it's a woman I just ran into on the street who doesn't even know me. And also I'm really drunk.

You know how judges and lawyers in Britain have to wear those stupid wigs? I bet they could do away with crime altogether if they made convicted criminals wear those wigs all the time, as part of their punishment

A friend is someone who knows everything about you but loves you anyway. An ex-wife is someone who knows everything about you and wants you dead.

When you're always busy, and you rush everywhere, your focus will always be on yourself, where you need to be next, what you need to get done. Slow down. That's the first step to being able to put others first. And that's our highest calling.

Homeless guy fist-bumped me getting on the MARTA train

If Michelle Bachmann gets the Republican nomination for President, she should choose Ohio Congressman Michael Turner as her running mate, and then they can be Bachmann-Turner Overdrive, and their campaign song can be Taking Care of Business

You can live in harmony with others and accept your place in the universe, or you can live in competetion with others and try to be the best and have the most. One way leads to peace, the other to conflict and frustration. You choose.

I adopted a dog once but he wouldn't do what I said because I wasn't his real dad

Within certain insect species, the female will tear off the male's head immediately after mating; this is opposed to human females, who drag it out for years and really make their men suffer

You know what's funny about white supremacists who believe that they're superior to every non-white person? Most of them are below average just among other white people.

She told me she needed more out of life than just eating macaroni and cheese with me in my parents' basement. I wish she'd have told me that before I wasted all my parents' macaroni and cheese on her.

I want to apply for a job as a fact checker with CNN. That should be easy.

If Jordin Sparks married Jeff Gordon and took a job heading the security team at a Borden Milk Plant, she would be Borden's Warden Jordin Gordon

I've just been yelled at by a Canadian for like five minutes. I didn't know Canadians could yell like that.

Everyone has good and bad instincts; we all know what's right and are tempted, at times, to do wrong anyway. We define ourselves not by the instincts that we have, but by which ones we choose to follow. Character is determined not by what we accomplish, but by what we attempt, and how often; not by the obstacles we encounter, but in how we face them. Endure, and be awesome.

The Da Vinci Code was all about how Jesus had a wife that wasn't mentioned in scripture. I bet she had red hair and was always coming up with wacky schemes to get into the Bible.

The Hangover II seems so fake. What are the odds that a bunch of guys would get so drunk that they forgot everything they did the night before, and that they would do the same thing twice?

I bet the Grinch didn't start off by stealing Christmas, and he had to warm up by stealing Arbor Day and Canadian Thanksgiving and lesser holidays

Money can't buy happiness but it can buy marijuana

If I ever get to be President, don't bother making a library for me. I want the first Presidential Waterslide & Video Arcade

I tell my kids that they need to start acting like adults. I also tell them that I don't have to act like an adult, because I am an adult, so they need to act like a different adult than me.

Those quiz things that ask "How Many of These Books Have You Read" would turn out much differently if they said "How Many of These Books Have You Read Because You Wanted To And Not Because You Had To For School", or "How Many of These Books Have You Really Read And Not Just Saying That To Make People Think You're Smart"

Our Father, with Art in Heaven, Hollywood be thy name, give us this day our jelly bread, and forgive us our trashbaskets, as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets

"ME: I don't think I'm a bad parent
DEB: Who would you compare yourself to, like on TV? Mike Brady?
ME: Bill Bixby, I guess
DEB: Like on ""Eddie's Father""?
ME: No, like on ""The Incredible Hulk"""

I know Christians who get upset because they say Harry Potter teaches kids witchcraft, but I think witches should really be upset because obviously Harry Potter is doing it wrong.

I asked my fortune teller if I would wear boxers or briefs when I got older. She said, "Depends"

I just realized that the daughter on the show "Parenthood" played Ann Veal on "Arrested Development"

People don't like me because I tell it like it is, I just lay it on the line and tell the plain, unvarnished truth, no matter whether people like it or not, I say the things that others only dare to think. Or maybe just because I'm a jerk. Not sure really.

How you treat those who have wronged you is not a measure of their character, but of yours

I don't believe in thinking positive. Things go wrong all the time whether you think positive or not, and if you teach your kids that thinking positive will make things better, then they'll just think there's something wrong with them when things go bad.

I just heard someone use the word "Re-Fix". And yes he had a Southern accent.

Belief in the supernatural is not irrational, and lack of empirical data doesn't disprove the existence of a Creator. Faith is not an empirical matter, and to one who believes, lack of physical evidence makes God more than what can be measured or detected, not less.

It's funny that Elton John, in his feather boa and flashy glasses and platform shoes, sang "Saturday Night's All Right For Fighting" when it seems like he should have been singing "Saturday Night's All Right For Getting A Swirly"

If you seek God, God will reveal Himself to you, and if you seek Truth, the Truth will be made known. If you want to be right, or if you seek to change other people's minds about anything, then you'll only find conflict and discord.

We can't see each other anymore.

Did I do something wrong?

No, listen, you're sweet, you're funny, you're fantastic.

I can change.

It's Earth Day!!! Suck it, Neptune!!!

I like being around the young people at church, and I think they dig me, because I'm hip to their jive

I never pray "Jesus, take the wheel" because Jesus never had a driver's license and I don't want to get him in trouble

In honor of Easter, today for snack time we're having the Cheez Its of Nazareth

I'm sad, and weary, and angry. I'm swearngry.

Because when society goes up in flames and civilization collapses and a generation of horribly mutated survivors crawls out from the ashes and has to learn to live in a world with no communications or travel or power, the Amish will rule!!!

You know what would be a good curse to put on someone? A curse that made them just randomly jump in the air and scream like someone just goosed them real good.

Arguing about God with an atheist who doesn't believe and has never had a genuinely spiritual experience is like arguing about what the color blue is with a blind person

If someone misspells a common word, or mixes up "their" with "there", my opinion of them goes down. And if someone criticizes something they know nothing about, I think they're willfully ignorant. And I think the original "Arthur" is so funny that if someone doesn't, I can't really be friends with them. And if someone thinks their opinions automatically make them superior to someone else, I think they're stupid.

Here's a good idea for a romantic comedy: Two kids stack on top of each other and use an overcoat and a fake mustache to get an office job to take care of their younger siblings, and then fall in love with a woman they work with but are afraid to tell her that they're two kids stacked on top of each other.

"Words of encouragement from a former supervisor right before my latest interview:
Monica Tobon (11:05:47 AM): Dazzle him with your awesomeness and he won't notice your hairy neck"

I admire a President who takes his time and does things right, who doesn't immediately bow to his detractors but instead is meticulous and precise enough that it's two years into his term before he forges a birth certificate that looks just right

I've given it a lot of thought, and I think when the Anti-Christ comes, his name will be Kevin. Because no one would ever suspect a guy named Kevin was the Anti-Christ. The more you think about this, the more true it's going to be.

I just want to meet a nice woman and live happily ever after, like Romeo & Juliet

When I say Hey to you and you don't say Hey back to me, then I take back my Hey and I say NOT Hey to you!!

Today I am reminded of a Royal Wedding toast 30 years ago, when the Best Man raised his glass and said "Drink up, Chuck and Di!"

Whenever someone asks me what to take for a hangover, I tell them to take lots and lots of alcohol right before they go to bed

I'm watching a movie where Evan Rachel Wood is telling Larry David that she has a crush on him. Next to this, Star Wars seems realistic.

So this guy comes to my door and tells me how I can get into Heaven and I say what about the people who don't know, can they still go to Heaven? And he says yeah, if they don't know they can still get in. So I said, well, why are you going around telling people?

I'd like to see a Veggie Tales where the celery gets arrested for stalking

I just kung fued a giant fly in my room

Why do psychics only offer to help the police after a crime has already been committed?

Do not gloat when your enemy falls; when he stumbles, do not let your heart rejoice, or the LORD will see and disapprove and turn his wrath away from him. Proverbs 24:17,18

I was so popular in High School that none of the other kids even realized it

You know what I miss about being a kid? Monkey bars that were three stories high, made of wrought iron and sunk in three feet of concrete! Those were PLAYGROUNDS, dammit!!\\

Why don't we put away Monopoly and play Scrabble? she asked. My blood ran cold in my veins. This was a game changer.

I love it when someone asks a question and you answer it and then they give you more information that's irrelevant and doesn't change the answer.

"CLIENT: Do you have a new number for Vendor X? They seem to have changed it.
ME: Yes, it's XXX-XXX-XXXX
CLIENT: Ok, because the number I have is disconnected and when I called it no one answered, so that's why I wondered if it had changed."

She laid the Scrabble board out on the table and brushed away all the dust bunnies and dirt clods from the last game. Everyone had warned me about her but now I knew for sure. She liked to play dirty.

Dear English Speaking Peoples, There is no such word as "agreeance". The correct term is "agreement". Make a note of it. Thank you, carry on then. Love, Mark

I prefer Cinco De Mustard, thanks

So let me get this straight: To hide from Darth Vader, Obi Wan goes to the very planet that Darth Vader grew up on, changes his first name to "Ben" and then hangs out in bars? Is it worse that he thought that would work, or that it actually did work for like 20 years?

I've read people critical of "The Hangover Part II" because they say it looks too similar to the first one. Which is just what I was thinking, you know, because if you've ever gone out drinking with your buddies, you never want to go more than once in your lifetime.

It seems like Labor Day should come before Mother's Day

If they add a head to Mount Rushmore, I think it should be Kelsey Grammer, because the most someone could be President is like eight years, but he played Dr. Frasier Crane for like 20. That's a great American right there.

I wonder if MC Hammer is doing the theme song for Thor

What's fun to do is, go into a restaurant and order something that's not on the menu, and when the waitress tells you no, just say "Don't you know who I am?!"

If anyone ever invented a new number, I think the best place to put it would be between 9 and 10

You could watch the first half of any Sylvester Stallone movie and the second half of any other one, and it would still make sense

She said I didn't have any feelings and I was like a robot, and it took me a long time to process all that

You know that missing woman named Holly Bobo? I know it's wrong but every time I hear her name I think she must be picking up the field mice and boppin' 'em on the head

I swatted a fly in my kitchen, then I pinned its tiny corpse to the wall as a warning to all the other flies so that they know what happens when they challenge me

"ME: I know you want to help, because you feel sympathy
QUINN: No, I want to help because I know how she feels
ME: That's what sympathy means"

It would be funny if there was a wedding reception where the bride stood up and made a speech about how proud she was to be taking her husband's name, and how she would always do her best to worthy of his family name, and his last name was Hooker

If my parents had named me Thor, I bet my life would have wound up completely different

If they ever make a disaster movie about how the sun breaks out of its orbit and plummets to the Earth, destroying civilization and wiping out millions, I have a great name for it: "Here Comes The Sun"

My dream is to one day start a foundation that will help teach dogs and cats to live together in peace

I think one clear indicator of success is, the longer it would take someone to train a monkey to do your job, the more successful you are. The one exception to this rule is for astronauts, but I think that just proves my point.

Maria Shriver is divorcing Scwarzenegger because she's tired of his obsession with this "Sarah Connor" woman

If I was blind and had trouble using my arms, I would get a seeing eye dog and a helper monkey, and then I would dress the helper monkey up in robes like a Jawa and have him ride the dog around like a Tauntaun and everyone would think I was a Jedi master

Muppets are cute and all as long as they're on TV, but if they were real and you saw them walking around, they would be so creepy

"QUINN: Pop, if you get married again, who will be your best man? Jorge?
ME: Probably Jesus, because the world will have ended.
QUINN: I bet He'll throw an awesome bachelor party."

Riding roller coasters, eating too much birthday cake, and getting drunk are just three different ways that a really good time is followed by vomiting. Why do we do this to ourselves?

It's easy to overlook your own faults and be sarcastic and critical all the time. That's why I do it.

If General Schwarzkopf retired and then converted to LDS to take a job heading up a team of men working the doors of nautically-themed hotels in Salt Lake City, he would be Stormin' Norman the Mormon Doorman Longshoresman Foreman

My friend Dan had this huge disgusting lump growing on his neck, it was really scaring him until the doctors did some tests and determined it was his head.

In ancient Egypt when they mummified the pharoahs, the first step was removing their brains through the nose. I bet it was an old joke every time they did it to go "AHHHHHH-CHOOO!!!" and then everyone giggled. Good times.

If a time traveler told me that I had to sacrifice myself to save millions of people in the future, I probably would, but first I'd want to know if they were millions of nice people, because I'd hate to sacrifice myself for a bunch of jerkfaces.

SOmeone called me "man" today. I think he must smoke pot.

Criminals always have street names like "knife" and they always sound like criminals. If I was a criminal, my street name would be "Kevin"

People ask me, if there is a God, why do people get sick? I just say, if there is no God, why do people get better?

If you don't feel as close to God as you once did, God isn't the one who moved

I think we should all do our part to help raise awareness about Tourette's Syndrome, and just blurt out random obscenities throughout the day

Just because your kids' doctor tells you to get REAL Sudafed, and specifies that it's the kind they keep behind the counter so that people don't use it to make Meth out of, does NOT mean that you should tell the pharmacist you want to buy the stuff that people use to make Meth

We're so glad you're feeling better after your hospital visit, Mr. Schieber. You just have to not allow yourself to get so stressed in the future. So go home, eat right, exercise, and we'll send all your bills to a collection agency.

When you try to look cool taking a picture by holding your fingers like a gun, you don't look cool. You look like a mental patient who thinks his fingers are a gun.

King Kong would have had a better ending on the West Coast. In California, they'd have taught him sign language and fingerpaints. In New York, like most tourists, he only wound up shot dead in the streets.

...And the number one Thing you never want to hear from your clergy: "There's a reason they call me Bishop Long"

When I start my own religion, the confessionals won't just have those tiny windows for people to whisper their sins through, they'll also have larger side windows so that the priests can high five people who have particularly Awesome sins to confess.

If there's ever a nuclear war and everyone goes bald, do you know who I'll feel most sorry for? The traveling cast of Hair.

If you and I ever have a contest to see who can walk over the most glass and fire, I think what I'll do is, I'll let you go first and then when you're nursing the burned and bloodied stumps that used to be your feet, I'll be like "Yeah, I don't think I can do that. You win."

I think a good movie would be "Hippy Girlfriend" about a straightlaced, by-the-book businessman who meets a hippy girl and falls in love. I would go see it.

It's sad that we live in an age where linguistics demand a plural form to the word "Apocalypse"

I'm pretty sure Quinn will be an attorney some day, as much as he loves to argue. He just needs to get better at it. And learn to shut up when the judge says "overruled"

We like to think we're civilized and claim moral superiority to ancient pagans who sacrificed their young to their gods to stave off hardship and misfortune. But every so often we remember, Oh yeah, Teenagers....I can kind of see that....

If you go on a job interview, bring a Rubik's Cube with you and tell the interviewer that you can solve it in 30 seconds. This is good to do even if you're lying, because chances are they'll believe you and then not make you do it. The only thing is, for as long as you have the job after that, you'll have to change the subject every time someone mentions a Rubik's Cube.

Maybe the rapture did happen, only no one got taken because we're all jerks.

WIth the end of the world in the news so much, I was expecting to see a lot more reporters interviewing Michael Stipe

Sometimes I wonder what would happen if David Banner got really really mad at his girlfriend, and then he turned into the Hulk, but then his girlfriend was the only one who could calm him down so that he turned back into David Banner, would he just keep turning back and forth forever as long as she was around? Do you ever think about stuff like that?

Often times, hatred and anger will bind you to a person even more than love and devotion will. Forgive for your own sake, not your enemies'.

"QUINN: Pop can you pick me up at Tylers?
ME: No, ride your bike home
QUINN: But its dangerous
ME: But you rode your bike there. Do you want me to come get you and never let you leave the house again because it's dangerous?
QUINN: I'll be home at 8"

As far as pop culture icons go, I'm sorry Sarah Palin, you're closer to Paris Hilton or Justin Bieber than Tim Pawlenty or Ron Paul. No one takes you seriously as a Presidential contender anymore. Go back to your reality TV show.

Some of the crap that my kids say to me, I not only would never have said to my dad, I would never even have said to my FRIENDS when I was a kid.

Seriously people don't post your opinions if you don't want to be challenged. And you can't demand respect to be able to say whatever you want, and then not give it to everyone else.

Redneck Surf 'N Turf: A big slab of venison and a bunch of crawdads

If there was an ancient Roman who assassinated Caesar and then fled to Tibet and hid out with some monks who didn't wear any clothes, then he would be Brutus the Buddhist Nudist

It seems like rednecks should have their own videogame called Banjo Hero

People tell me that kids need a dad AND a mom, so once a month I freak out and scream for no reason. That should cover it.

Coffee is like God's way of saying "Wake up, bitches!"

You know that song Everybody Wants To Rule the World? It's not true. I don't want to rule the world, although it would kind of be cool to rule my neighborhood. The song should be called "EVerybody Wants To Rule The World (Except Mark Who Just THinks It Might Be Kind Of Cool To Rule His Own Neighborhood)"

The worst part about accidentally causing an explosion that destroys the chemistry lab in high school would be that, on top of everything else, you would probably fail the class.

In Ohio there is a bank robber they're calling "The Mullet Bandit". In Barrow County, they would just call him "The Bandit".

You know what would be ironic? If that old Christian guy was attacked by Raptors.

When I must choose, I will choose kindness over rightness, I will serve others rather than correct their thinking, I will expand my point of view over limiting myself, and when there is no choice I will leave it up to God.

The radio station is having a "90's weekend" and in the car this morning Indy said "This music sucks! How long did the 90's last anyway?"

ABout that page that says "Proud To Be A Christian"....I thought the Bible said that pride was a sin?

How come when the Lion King brings down a gazelle, it's the Circle of Life, but when a hunter shoots Bambi's mom, it's like he's in hell?

One bad thing about being single is, there's no one to pay the ransom if you get kidnapped by mobsters

How others act toward me is their karma; how I act towards them is mine. I choose a path of grace and forgiveness.

I'll never be a good politician because I'm not angry enough

Before that kidnapper guy goes away to prison, I think Elizabeth Smart should be allowed to kick him right in the plums.

If there was a support group for pyromaniacs, I think a good theme song for them would be "You LIght Up My Life"

Just a quick note: E-I-E-I-O is not how you spell FARM. Carry on.

Not a lot of people know this but the song "All Along The Watchtower" is about Jehovah's Witnesses coming to your door

I think the world would be a better place if everyone stopped standing around arguing about what you're supposed to believe, and actually started doing stuff to help out.

There are those who look at things the way they are and ask why. I look at things and ask What the hell?

I drank so much I saw the future. Unfortunately it was a future in which I was dead from drinking so much. So I quit drinking.

No one ever really "wins" a loogie contest

Sam and Janet Evening, you will meet a stranger...

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. When life gives you limes, put them in the coconut and drink them both up.

The only bad thing about doing nothing is that you never know when you're done.

If you had super powers, everything you do would be magnified: If you want to help people, you could help lots of people, and if you want to commit crimes, you could be a master criminal. In that way, I think, having super-powers would be like having lots of money, or getting really really drunk.

I think in hell they have a lot of business meetings

I want to live in a bouncy castle

"ME: Indy, get me the clothes out of the dryer so I can do another load.
INDY: Which clothes?
ME: All of them."

When I go to Fuddruckers and place my order, they ask me my name and I say "Good Looking" so then when my order is ready they yell "Hey good looking, your order is ready!"

 If it wasn't for coffee I think we would still be living in caves and mud huts and have a rudimentary language consisting of grunts and curse words

I don't know how anyone could look at Clark Kent and not realize he was Superman, unless one of his powers is making other people stupid

If you really want to be right with Jesus, you won't even want Chick Fil-A on Sundays.

It seems monumentally unfair that gay people aren't allowed to get married but the Kardashians are

My wife once asked me if I thought our marriage was like a prison. I said of course not, honey. The food's better in prison.

Overheard at the Barrow County Citgo: "Don't worry if she goes deaf, they got these coca cola implants now that they use to hear with."

When I must choose between being right and being kind, I will choose kindness. When I must choose between converting people or serving people, I will serve. When I must choose between expanding my thinking or winning a debate, I will choose to grow. Because we serve a God of possibilities, a God bigger than our understanding of Him.

To a cat, if you can buy cat food and set it out for cats to eat, you are the most interesting and talented person in the universe. Cats.

If you meet a woman over the age of 25 or 30 and you're supposed to already know her name and you have one of those awkward moments thinking "What should I call her?", just call her Jennifer. There's a pretty good chance that that's her name.

Sign on the highway says "Dial 511 For Real Time Travel Info" and I thought, well, time travel is finally a reality

If I ever run for office, I promise, I will never tweet my junk.

If I ever worked in a glue factory, I would put on my resume that I worked in a fast paste environment

Give a man a fish and he'll have a fish. Teach a man to fish and he'll know how to fish.

If Catholics practiced cannibalism, I bet the most important religious figures would be friars.

OK so I may have a new job (finally). So next on my list is a girlfriend. It's a rigorous screening and interview process but I'm now accepting applications.

More good news: I just got a call from a car dealership telling me that my 2007 Volvo was overdue for service. I'm taking this to mean that I have a 2007 Volvo that I forgot about. So my car problems are solved.

Today someone said "How are you doing?" and I thought wow she must really like me and I imagined having a relationship with her and getting to know her kids and all the problems we would overcome together, so I told her how I was doing but it turns out she wasn't talking to me, she was talking to someone else. Boy, was I embarrassed.

Last night I met some homeless people who literally ride freight trains around the country. I wasn't afraid of them though, because I'm not hobophobic.

I bet being a cowboy was a rough life, especially if you were a neat freak germaphobe

First Order Logic is a phlosophical system of reasoning using Binary truth functions wherein a compound sentence is logically equivalent to the negative as quantifiers.

There's a show on National Geographic called "Locked Up Abroad" and I'm surprised they can get away with calling a show this, because I thought women didn't like being called "broads"

"ME: Quinn who was that woman you were talking to?
QUINN: WHat woman? She was in my confirmation class.
ME: You're grounded."

Had to explain to a 5 year old that putting a baby in a sling is not the same as putting a baby in a slingshot

I don't give my kids a lot of BS rules for no reason other than it's what I tell them, I believe in setting boundaries and letting kids make their own choices and then living with the consequences of those choices (just like the real world), not just teaching right from wrong but how to choose one over the other.

I bet everyone of the Goonies grew up depressed and alcoholic because the whole rest of their lives were 1000x less exciting then that one time they found pirate treasure in 1985

I love Diet Dr. Pepper so much that if they started putting cocaine in it, I wouldn't even notice, I would still keep drinking it just as much as I do now.

Came to my parents house, talked to my grandmom for like 15 minutes, went downstairs, my brother walked in, saw my grandmom and said "Mark is downstairs" and she said "Oh, is he?" It must be nice to have a day so full of surprises.

Sometimes I'm so funny that it's beyond the range of the human sense of humor and only dogs get my jokes

If I post a song on my FB that's a love song, it doesn't mean I'm in love, any more than posting a link to "Bohemian Rhapsody" would mean that I've killed a man and I'm sitting on death row.

If you're not happy, money doesn't mean anything. On the other hand, it doesn't suck.

It makes sense that the guy on The Bachelor would hand out roses, but I think on the Bachelorette she should hand out wrenches or remote controls or big sandwiches

Dear Ex-Wife, I don't know how to tell you this, but just because you haven't seen your kids for two years doesn't mean they've stopped aging. You may want to consider that before you buy them toys and videos for the summer. P.S. Sending a package every 3 or 4 months doesn't make up for all the time you're missing.

Quinn is worried about starting high school. I told him to find the biggest, toughest guy there and shank him, then no one will mess with you. Oh, wait, no, that's for prison. Sorry.

Yesterday Quinn had chili dogs for supper and as far as I know that's the first time he's ever had chili dogs. Also he asked me if he could go to Vacation Bible School at the Baptist church. I'm thinking he's been replaced by a duplicate.

Watching five politicians debate who could best run the country is like watching five guys on the deck of the Titanic debate who could best captain the ship

I had a dream about WIlly Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, instead of Oompa Loompas he used the apes from Planet of The Apes to make his candy. Weird.

In a world beset by tsunamis, earthquakes, terrorists, revolution, human trafficking, poverty and war, it's hard to imagine that there are royals in palaces who would still be shocked to see what fork I eat salad with.

I like it that there's a thing in the news called the Weiner Scandal, I don't even care about the details or who did what

I am so sick of people being outraged!!! Down with outrage!!

I'm on Aslan's side even if there isn't any Aslan to lead it. I'm going to live as like a Narnian as I can even if there isn't any Narnia.

I don't get why they call themselves "Whole Foods" like what's the alternative, "Food Parts"?

Voldemort better hope his eyes don't go bad because he'll never be able to wear glasses

DOn't walk in front of me, I may not follow. DOn't walk behind me, I may not lead. Don't walk beside me, you smell funny.

She told me her new boyfriend treats her like a Queen, and I said "Oh really, does he defer to you in everything and never express his opinions, and does he divert his eyes when in your presence, does he bow to you and does he always have to taste your food before you eat? He sounds like a GREAT boyfriend!"

Today I was thinking, if Conan the Barbarian and Tarzan got in a fight, who would win? And then I thought, would it really matter?

"ME: Indy, wipe up that Splenda you just spilled
INDY: It's artificial, it won't attract ants
ME: It attracts robot ants
INDY: Ok"

"ME: I'm here for my drug test, sorry I'm late, I used Google Maps…
LADY: Google Maps? Are you on drugs?"

A couple years ago, a guy I know needed $200 and I gave it to him, told him to just pay it forward when he knew someone who needed it, and I forgot about it. Today, I needed $200 and I happened to ask the same guy if I could pay him back next week. He reminded me of it, and the money came back to me. So today, my name is Earl.

"INDY: Pop, why do people always say ""gay and lesbian""?
ME: I think gay is a dude who likes dudes, and a lesbian is a woman who likes women
QUINN: Is there a name for a person who doesn't like anyone?
INDY: Yeah, it's ""Mom"""

Never had a first day of work where two co-workers came up and hugged me, until today.

I want my rapper name to be Vitamin A. A for Awesome. For shizzle.

Boss gave me a job to do and thought it would take me till this afternoon, got it done in 20 minutes

The next time a homeless dude asks me for train fare I'm going to stipulate that he not sit near me

"INDY: WHat is Mystery Science Theater 3000?
ME: It's this show where these guys watch old movies and make sarcastic comments all the way through.
INDY: It's like watching TV with you."

Is it a coincidence that the word BABIES rhymes with RABIES?

When I see a sign that says Caution: Children Playing, I think they must be evil children, or they wouldn't be warning us to be afraid of them.

Whenever someone asks me to do something I don't want to do, I just tell them that I don't concern myself with the affairs of Earthlings.

If they ever do a show about guys who make meatloaf, I want to be on it.

At 20 I was writing out my lifeplan on a posterboard but the permanent marker squeaking gave me a headache and I quit. I've just been winging it ever since.

If Quinn doesn't turn that rap music down I'm going to take his IPhone thing and give it to a rabid dog and then shoot the dog and bury it in a deep hole in the middle of the woods and then burn down the woods and salt the ground\

If a hobbit becomes CEO of a cellphone company, he would be Lord of The Ring(tone)s

This guy's the limit

I'm not anti-marriage, but I am pro-not marriage

Quinn argues about everything. I told him I was asleep and he said I wasn't so I said I'm the grown-up you don't know what sleeping is.

The problem with being a wolf in sheep's clothing is that, one, sheeps don't have clothing and, two, all the other wolves think you're a sheep and attack you

The grass is always greener when you're not buried underneath it

"ME: New job, almost debt free...now all I have to do is get a car, and I can finally afford a girlfriend....
ERNIE: I think there are places you can go to get the car and the girlfriend at the same time"

Quinn is so angry. He really needs a mom. Not his actual mom, but a nice mom.

I'm not afraid of committment, unless it's to a mental institution. Maybbe that's what they mean by The Institution of Marriage.

Seriously can we all at least spell the word "the" correctly?

Today I prayed with some Muslims

If Tarzan joined the Beatles, the song "I Me Mine" would be "Tarzan Tarzan Tarzan's". Because Tarzan never uses pronouns. See what I did there?

Don't be afraid of thunder, it's just God bowling, and the lightning is Angels taking pictures of Him. That's in the Bible.

Remember that episode of Gilligan's Island where Santa Claus came to the island? I hate that he didn't bring them a two-way radio or something. Bastard.

I am accepting of people of all colors, races, genders, religions and creeds. I think so at least. I don't know what ''creed'' means.

The haircut lady asked Indy if his mom would be surprised by his haircut. Indy said yes, she still thinks I'm 5 years old.

Eternity isn't where you go when you die, it's the choices you make everyday. Faith is not what you believe, it's how you live. Choose well and be awesome!!

How do we know that the moon isn't an egg laid by a giant space bird and when it hatches the baby space chick willl swallow the Earth?

There should be a reality show where random people get beat up for no reason. It would be about as entertaining as some of these others on TV now

''We had lamb for dinner and took a long walk then watched a movie. Everyone had a great night, except the lamb,''

We could all learn a lesson from dogs. Some of us can learn loyalty, and some of us can learn not to hump everything in the room.

Two very white, blonde people got on the train, the chick said ''Stussa?'' and the dude said ''Doodah''. I think they're messing with me, that's not a language.

Whenever I see commercials about preventing bone loss, I imagine old people walking around with bones just falling out of them

I'm a strong advocate for cultural diversity. Some of my best friends are diverse.

Here's a helpful business tip: Always behave professionally around the chicks you work with

I bet summer is confusing for Lois Lane, when everyone is wearing sunglasses and she doesn't recognize anyone

''Eharmony provides 19 personality points that allow hundreds of contacts from all over the world a much more efficient way to judge and reject you.''

When someone golfs, I like to ask if they got a hole in one. When they explain how rare that is to do, I say, ''so that means no?''

I wonder if the true meaning of the name "O'Reilly" is that it's Gaelic for "O Really?"

When I was 5 years old, I had a date with destiny. Only I was five, so it was more like a playdate with destiny.

Everyone always tells you how horrible divorce is, and that's true. But what they don't tell you is that after it's done being horrible, it's AWESOME!!!

If there was a superhero with bird-powers, I bet he would run into windows and mirrors all the time

What kind of food do you serve at a Karma Party? Just Desserts.

It's kind of weird that Tarzan never flung his poop at anyone

Watching Harry Potter is giving me flashbacks to boarding school, only we didn't have magic although a couple of the kids had pot.

You know those fly traps that are shaped like cones that flies fly into but for whatever reason can't fly out of, so they die? That's kind of how marriage is

Why do crazy people always get 100 cats? It seems like for that money you could get something awesome like 5 parrots or a monkey

The craziest people on TV are on Bigfoot Hunters on Animal Planet. If there really is a bigfoot, they're insane for chasing it through the woods in the middle of the night. And if there's not, they're even more insane for chasing it through the woods in the middle of the night.

I bet a good way to catch criminals would be to pretend that there's a Department of Evil, and then when people apply to work there, BAM!!! Lock them up!!!

It doesn't seem right that parrots can talk but eagles can't. I bet eagles have more interesting things to say.

I tape every episode of the show Hoarders and stack all the tapes up in my living room

A good TV show would be about a time-traveling Yoko Ono who every week goes to a different parallel dimension and breaks up another Beatles

It's bad luck to see the bride before the wedding, and everyday after that

I think a good movie would be about a werewolf that dies just as its biting a cow, and then the werecow howls at the moon and stalks its prey

It doesn't matter how much you love them, animals are not people. I know that seems academic, but some of us still need reminding.

Why is it that the fundamentalists who object to Harry Potter for teaching witchcraft, don't also love Scooby Doo for teaching that witchcraft is just people dressing up as monsters to scare other people away so they can build a shopping mall?

I'm a feminist. That means I believe in women.

I like going on Ask.com and typing in questions like ''Who is that guy?'' or ''Why are we here?''

Plato postulated that humans were born with 4 arms, 4 legs and 2 faces, and Zeus was threatened by their power and thus slit them in 2, so that they spent their lives trying to complete themselves, thus the idea of "soul mates".

There's a walk to end Alzheimer's? Aren't they afraid people will wander off?

In 1921, Karl Jung published his first work on "The Shadow", that aspect of the human psyche that we choose not to declare as our own. Others have proposed that we manifest that shadow, bringing it to life by projecting it onto others. This way we disown all unwanted evils, making ourselves superior in the eyes of our God, while also giving us a physical evil that we can villify and derogate.

If Spider-Man had a baby he would never be able to spank it because its spider sense would warn it of the spanking

I started a new diet where I get a box of pre-measured and specially packaged food left on my doorstep once a week, and I lose weight because the food is stolen off my doorstep every week.

My vegetarian friends tell me that they won't eat anything that has a face. I don't know if I'm ready for that, but I'm willing to start slow and not eat anything that has a mustache.

Cannibal serial killers are always described as ''loners'' because they eat anyone who might get to be friends with them.

The kids on Harry Potter seem completely unprepared for everything that happens

I don't think monkeys are necessarily optimistic about the future, I think they just don't care one way or another

As much as I hate roaches, at least they have the decency to run away when you turn the light on. They know they're not supposed to be there. Ants don't even care, when you walk in the room ants just run around like state-hired construction workers, not caring who sees what they're doing. I'm surprised they don't have orange vests and hardhats on.

Rhode Island isn't an island. It's just one more way our government is lying to us.

Imagine how much could be accomplished if people stopped caring who got the credit.

Before you point fingers or assign blame, remember that it's possible.for everyone involved in a conflict to be 100% wrong

The more you tell me how perfect your life and job and home and family are, the less I believe that you actually think that.

I used to think that people claiming atheism were really just angry at God, but lately I've come to think that most people who talk about loving God really just love their religion.

When blind people break up, do they decide to see other people/

Suffering is at once universal and utterly intimate, and yet the one aspect of our being that should bind us instead divides and isolates. Act with kindness and compassion, and suffering is diminished.

I think a good reality show would be ''Extreme Shoplifting''

The Buddha never asked nor encouraged anyone to follow him. He did teach, but always with an eye towards encouraging the aesthetics to think and understand his teachings for themselves. What they didn't understand, they were to contemplate further or discard.

God, like Truth or Beauty, is present whether we choose to see Him or not. As we continue to seek Him, our faith and understanding grows, but God is not the One changing. We are.

Why didn't Jor-El send everyone on Krypton into the Phantom Zone?

I cried because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no AWESOME!!!!

Before you travel to the Orient, do you have to go to Orientation?

If gay people get married so that one of them can stay in the country, it's not a domestic partnership, it's an imported one.

When Bryan Adams sang "EVerything I do, I do it for you" do you think he meant EVERYTHING, even the disgusting things that everyone does but never talks about in public? That's pretty gross.

She asked me if we could take it slow. I told her she would never meet anyone slower than me.

I live by one rule: No office romance. Lucky for me, all the women I work with also seem to live by this rule.

When I was a kid I got tested and they said I had that thing that Rain Man had except I wasn't good at math

I have an idea. A cow that gives beer. How about it, science?

When we present ourselves a certain way and people like it, then we're making a bold statement. When they don't, we're being judged unfairly.

The worst part of planning a superhero convention would be all the special bathroom needs, like all the newspapers for Hawkman and special ventilation for the Hulk. Crazy.

You can't be a badass when you use the word "anyhoo"

Saying Obama's doing a good job so far is like saying the Captain of the Titanic did a great job getting his ship to the iceberg

After a lot of prayer and thoughtful contemplation, I've reached a major life decision: I'm going to start calling people "broheim"

They say you really have a problem if you find yourself drinking alone, but to me the red flag would be when you find yourself vomiting in front of a whole bunch of people

If there's a fake name you use when writing, that's a pseudonym. If there's a fake name you use for going to gay bars, that's your homonym.

I think "dead inside" should be a relationship status

Going to church and reading the Bible and then looking down your nose at other people, is like going to medical school and then saying you can't stand all those sick people

Better to live one day seeking God than 100 years running from Him

I just called the boss "broheim"

If there was a reality show competition to choose a Hollywood butt-double, it could be called America's Next Bottom Model

Eleanor Roosevelt's maiden name was Roosevelt

I told the crackhead on the MARTA train that he was hallucinating me

Joined eharmony and wasn't getting much interest so I changed my occupation from "data coordinator" to "waging a one-man war on crime". Let's see what happens:

The lady in the cube next to me is so pretty I want to give her all my money, move her in with me so she can complain and criticize until I'm ground into a tiny nub beneath the heel of her boot and my kids hate me and run away. Why do people always think I have issues?

Obama is a Picard, getting input and compromising to build a consensus. Good qualities, but what we need is a Kirk, who can identify problems before they happen and come up with solutions on the fly.

I'm opening a charity to acccept donations of toilet paper for disadvantaged teens who can't afford to roll each other's houses

You know what's weird to think about? The Wonder Years came on in 1990 and it was about a kid growing up in 1970. If they made the show today it would be about a kid growing up in 1990. I'm so old.

Henry "Lighthorse Harry" Lee served as a cavalry officer under George Washington, and Martha Washington's granddaughter Mary Custis married Lee's son, Robert E. Lee. Lee's contemporary in the Virginia Calvary, George Smith Patton, was the grangfather of WWII General George S. Patton III

The worst job in Bedrock would be the bird in the proctologist's office he uses for colonoscopies

I love watching a three minute movie preview and still not knowing what the movie is about

In the car on the way home from watching Planet of the Apes, Indy asked me, "Why did they run tests on apes but not dogs?"

Whenever someone tells me they're psychic, I like to pretend that they said "sidekick" because that's funny

Going to the Barrow Wal Mart is kind of like Planet of The Apes. Except with rednecks, and they're not smart like apes.

George Washington's dentures were not made of wood, but ivory. As it ages, ivory forms rings in it's surface like wood, which is where the misconception originates.

Pierre Boulle was believed fo be a collaborator in Occupied France, and critics said his 1963 novel "Planet of The Apes" was meant as a cautionary tale about a society that allows "undesirables" to take over.

Hearing Obama talk about the economy is like hearing Charles Manson talk about home security systems

Paul then stood up in the meeting of the Areopagus and said: "...as I walked around and looked carefully at your objects of worship, I even found an altar with this inscription: 'to an unknown god.' Now what you worship as something unknown I am going to proclaim to you. "The God who made the world and everything in ...it is the LORD of heaven and earth and does not live in temples built by hands." (Acts 7:22-24)

Tomorrow I start a weeklong cleanse. For seven days I eat nothing but soap.

I saw a gay pride parade and they were chanting "We're Loud, We're Proud!" but I thought they were saying "We're Loud, We're PLOWED" and I thought, no wonder they're dressed that way...

Liberals who believe that Bill Clinton left office with a Surplus also probably pay the minimum balance on their credit cards and think they have a surplus because there's still a dollar in their wallet

I know I act like a jerk sometimes, he said, "But underneath all that, I'm a sweetheart." But underneath that, she said, "You're a jerk."

Can I be frank? She asked.

Of course, I replied, "If I can be jeff."

People with Narcissistic Personality Disorder become adept at faking the deep emotion they are unable to feel, always with an eye toward generating attdention and sympathy.

The last woman I dated needed years of therapy to get over me, she even spent some time in a mental ward. But to be fair, that's where I met her.

Blinded by the light, wrapped up like a douche should know the rumor in the night

I think Emmett should date Bay and forget about Daphne

If there was a race of bird people, they would have to keep their windows dirty so they wouldn't walk right into them

When Thanksgiving gets here, someone remind me to be thankful for Victoria's Secret commercials

When you lose the Super Bowl or the World Series, do you get a copy of the home game?

The ex wife is going nuts on the school administrators. Should have anticipated this.

This morning on the train I am trying to imagine what the theme song to my life would be if my life was a sitcom. What rhymes with "Awesome"?

It would be awesome if the Marta ran to Six Flags, and everything was free. I think you all can trust me to have absolute universal power, I would make everything awsomer.

You should be excited if your lucky numbers are 8 and 11 because today is 8-11-11

When Jesus rode into Jerusalem it was like the Fresh Prince arriving in Bel Air

If at any point in any relationship that you have, either of you concludes that the police need to be called to resolve conflict, you should terminate the relationship

Is it a danger sign if you think the crazy stalker chick is the hottest woman on Two And A Half Men?

My gout acted up so I bought a pound of red cherries, and I took my friend to Target because she didn't have a ride, and I sat in the truck eating cherries and spitting the pits into the parking lot and rednecks got mad at me and called me names I couldn't understand

Living in Barrow County has been like a four-year long episode of Green Acres

Oliver Cromwell led the life of a yeoman farmer until he was 40, at.which point he was elected to parliament, rose within the ranks of the roundheads, overthrew the royalists and united England, Ireland and Scotland in a short-lived representative republic

I feel SO guilty for sleeping this late. Think of all the insomniacs in China who don't get enough sleep.

The boss said we had 294 enclosures to migrate, but the database listed only six, so I said, 294 divided by 6 is 49, and that's 7-squared, so I bet there are 7x7 sectors on the floor with 6 enclosures each....and he said, no, I was just guessing at a number, but that was a pretty good try....

I want to go see the movie "The Help" but I don't know how they can remake that movie without the Beatles

In AA the first step is admitting you have a problem, but really the first step is drinking a lot

When word reached President Lincoln that Grant was rumored to have been drunk while leading Union forces at Shiloh, Lincoln asked what kind of whiskey Grant had been drinking, so he could send some to the rest of his Generals

If Bruce Wayne had a daughter she would have a Bat Mitzvah

I'm not saying my lastt girlfriend was boring, but everytime she gave me the silent treatment I forgot who she was

Let's just say when you get to the gates of hell, my ex will buzz you in

If my life was a sitcom it would be Two Half Men And A Man

She told me she'd been through Hell. I asked her what part of hell, because I know a lot of people there.

Dear Marta Train driver, Please just tell us what the stops are and pursue your dream of having a radio career on your own time. Thanks.

If Jocelyn Wildenstein married Jon Gosselin, she would be Jocelyn Gosselin

Fear and anxiety look forward to a future that doesn't exist; sadness and regret look back to a past that can't be changed. The present alone touches eternity. Embrace it, and be awesome.

Talking away I don't know what-ut to say, oh, say it anyway, today is all my days to find you shying away. I'll be coming for your love ok?

I think Rick Perry would be better than Obama, but I think Weird Al would be better than Rick Perry

If in the future it's possible to rent a time machine, I'll rent one and bring it back to just before I left and get my money back. It'll be the perfect crime.

Christ preached Grace and Forgiveness to a morally rigid and legalistic society, ministering to pagans and prostitutes, political collaborators and zealots alike, extending compassion to all and asking nothing in return, condemning only those who claimed authority to speak for God.

If someone gave guns to the cast of the the show "Dance Moms", it would be a bloodbath and a tragedy, but also a pretty good way to end the show.

The best part about using a trampoline is jumping up and down. What are your thoughts?

No one ever won a Nobel Prize for being "street smart"

It would be really cool if Tarzan went to Planet of The Apes. Except Tarzan was always really bossy with the apes, and that would probably get him killed.

I'm all for ppeople improving themselves, but every time I've known a woman who got sober, she broke up with me the next day

I don't think hell is a lake of fire. I think it's a 24-hour 7-11

God never gives you more than you can bitch about

Sorry I was late for work this morning, Boss, but the highway was jammed with broken heroes on a last chance power drive.

I like how Dr Phil uses the term "Commando Parenting", because I imagine parents ziplining down from helicopters and crashing through some poor kids window.

My phone has a genius button but I don't think I'm qualified to press it

I always make an effort to smile and say hello, even to the poor and homeless. It's my own little way of saying, no matter how crappy their lives are or what kind of troubles they face, I'm still doing pretty good.

Laughing too loud is worse than not laughing at all

Can I get an ice cream for my little friend?

OK...Here's your ice cream.

Thanks...Here's my little friend.

The lady at Starbucks yelled at me for asking if their new ccoconut mocha latte comes sugar free. And for those of you wondering, no, it does not.

I have an idea for a movie about a baby superhero called "Justice In A Sippy Cup"

Sorry, Mr. Fishy-smelling homeless guy wearing a beret, I don't have any cold medicine for you, but here's a couple bucks for breakfast. I'll be on the next car.

Jewish guy wearing a yarmulke reading the Talmud in Hebrew, redneck woman next to him asks "Is that some kind of Bible?" He says "Sort of" and she says "Is that Latin?"

She asked me why things couldn't always be as magical as the first night we met. I told her I couldn't stay drunk that long.

To maintain the illusion of control, often a hostage will often adopt the beliefs and causes of their captors. Psychologists call this "Stockholm Syndrome". To many women, however, it's known as "Marriage".

I like the trick where the magician cuts someone in half but a real magician would use a woodchipper

Do you think there are hobbyists in Vietnam who do war reenactments of the Tet Offensive?

I can't stand people who are missing their upper metatarsals. I'm Lack Toes Intolerant.

Before Eharmony, I was judged and rejected constantly by the same boring local women. But thanks to Eharmony's scientific analysis of nineteen key personality points, now all kinds of diverse and intelligent women from all over the world have a much more efficient way to judge and reject me.

I will always be supportive even when I don't know what you're talking about

Jorge told me to wait for him at his mom's house. I told him she never answers the door, probably because I only know how to knock in English. He said to try the doorbell, it's bilingual.

If a ninja was fighting a vampire he could throw a piece of garlic toast just like a throwing star

If God were a person or object we could identify and measure, He would be that forever, limited to what we see and hear. God is unknowable and immeasurable and forever beyond understanding. The miracle is in how He reveals Himself, not in how we see Him.

My son wants to go to the Aaron Space Museum. I don't know who Aaron Space is.

I want a Wonder Woman not a Lois Lane

There is nothing sadder than a blind orphan missing her puppy who has cancer.

A beautiful beautiful Asian girl smiled and sat next to me on the train. She even smelled pretty.

I think the thing superficial people don't like about the homeless is that they have to carry around everything they own, and give the illusion that they own more, and this causes jealousy.

How many vulcans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Approximately 1.00000

She told me her problem was she only wanted men she could never have. I told her that should leave the field wide open.

Telling a Southern Baptist you're an atheist is like telling a car salesman that you prefer to walk

I don't trust any institute of higher learning that advertises on a subway

In the history of horror movies, there is nothing creepier than a kid singing Ring Around The Rosie really slowly while a church bell gongs in the background

Who would win a bikini contest between Katy Perry and Megan Fox? We all would.

A guy who takes his kids skydiving is either Father of The Year, or the worst dad in history, depending on the outcome

As he got older, I bet Bambi got picked on a lot, because he's a boy and he's named Bambi

What makes a man close to 50 who has never had any luck with women yet ALWAYS think he has a chance whenevr he meets a woman over the age of 18?

Here's some trivia for you: Even having been elected President, Zachary Taylor never registered nor voted in a single election in his life. Although since his death, he has voted several times in Chicago elections.

Here's how old I am. I just heard a country song that was nostalgic for the 90's

She told me she'd been through hell and I would never understand. I told her I hadn't been through hell but I used to have to drive through Buckhead every day.

Earl Lloyd George of Dwyfor was PM of the UK 1916-1922. A key negotiator or the Treaty of Versailles which ended WWI, he is also regarded as father of the modern welfare state. Upton Sinclair once said "George did more to further the cause of socialism than I ever did."

You know what would be really cute? A bull that was 2 inches tall, raging and snorting and trying to kill someone the way a real bull would do.

Today I had to explain to someone why my nephew is a 40 year old Korean man

I don't mind the drunks as long as they don't vomit

Gravity is one of the four fundamental forces in the universe, and is represented in most theoretical models by the graviton, a manual patricle with two units of spin. GRAVY is what you put on potatoes. Don't get them mixed up.

Come, boy. Sit in my shade and swing on my branches and eat my apples. Don't question it, just do it.

Superhero's girlfriends always break up with them because they say "The world needs you more than I do." I bet superheros get sick of that.

On the country station, a country singer sang about how he loves country music, and a woman called in saying that she's dating her daughter's ex-husband. I'm not kidding unfortunately.

A good children's book would be The Giving Cow, about a cow who gives a boy milk, beef, and finally leather for a coat so he can look cool. And in the end she dies but he turns out to be Fonzie. I'm getting emotional just thinking about this.

The hardest part of being that guy on Harry Potter who has no nose, would be not being able to wear glasses

Once we get everything unpacked, we'll have everyone over. Not all at once though. We'll put out a sign-up sheet.

A tiny baby deer tenderly picked its way through my yard at sunrise, and in the stillness of that moment I knew all of God's quiet beauty and grace, and then I shot it.

I don't believe in teaching babies sign language before they can talk, because I don't know sign and I don't want babies thinking I'm stupid

Would The Rock beat Edward Scissorhands?

Atlanta is never hit with natural disasters because God loves me too much

Have you ever noticed that every time someone foils a robbery or saves someone in an emergency or catches a criminal, it's ALWAYS an off-duty police officer? I bet if all officers were off-duty all the time, there wouldn't be any crime.

Ok I got it: The Paperboys get in a barfight and they beat up Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, but then before their concert they're attacked by Edward Scissorhands, until The Rock comes in and saves them.

When someone dies, it's good to be able to let go. Unless you're a trapeze artist, then it just means you dropped them.

My therapist recommended meditation twice a day, which I thought was an awesome idea because I thought he said "medication".

I wish that everyone on earth could be as totally and deeply happy as I am at this very moment. HA HA just kidding, life sucks, get over it.

Jesus is the answer. EXcept in Math class, then the answer is a number, or "X" or something.

The best thing about Quinn's friends coming over to play X Box is I don't have to feed them since they never stop playing long enough to eat

Once I saw a two-headed turtle. At least I think so. It could have been two turtles who decided to live together.

Today it was suggested that I use humor to keep people at arm's length and avoid any real emotional attachments. I said that was ridiculous. I use the internet for that.

It's weird that Labor Day comes after Mother's Day

Quinn came up from the basement after three days of Madden 12. I think this means six more weeks of summer.

OMG the little girl who checked me out at Kroger was so cute I wanted to pick her up and put her in my pocket

I want a woman who goes to church but isn't all churchy about it

You know you have a teenager when even the dirty laundry smells like Axe Body Spray

You know the Asian woman who plays the insane kindergarten teacher on the Target commercial? Is it weird that I find her compelling?

I have a great idea for a TV show. Clown CSI. They look for make-up smudges and giant footprints at crime scenes.

I usually operate under the assumption that no one's life is as messed up as mine

The stories we tell about the stuff we used to do wouldn't be nearly as funny if we left out the part about how drunk we all were. In fact, they would sound pretty stupid.

It would be really helpful if women changed different colors based on their moods. How about it, science?

I always tell my kids, Don't give up. They tell me to stop saying it, but I can't, because that would be giving up.

My ex wife hated Hooters. She said they exploited women with the waittresses only half-dressed. But I'm an optimist. I like to think of them as half-naked.

The other day I went to Kroger and when buying my lottery tickets I won a free ticket. Last night with the free ticket I won another free ticket!!! How cool is that??

When my brother Carl was like 14 we were up late watching a Genesis concert on MTV and my mom told us to go to bed, and when she saw that the band was Genesis, Carl told her they were going through all the books of the Bible. And then when she left he said loudly to me, "I can't wait for Maccabees"

While I'm certainly open to the possibility that today won't totally suck, I have nevertheless prepared myself for that eventuality

If I ever get to meet Sting, I think I'll call him Sting-a-ling-a-ding-ding, because I think he would like that

The bad thing about black socks is can't always tell if you've worn them too long to put back on after you get out of the shower.

I found a bunch of old CD's that I thought I'd lost the last time I moved, and some of them are very rare like The Beat Farmer's "Poor & Famous" and the Monk's "Bad Habits". SO COOL!! So Indy came in and said "Do you have to play that so loud?" and I said "Hey, man, all you young folks are bringing me down, man! You just don't get my generation!"

I've never faced death, really, other than the 12 years I was married to her

If someone tells you that they have psychic powers and can see the future, kick them in the nuts. Then say "Did you know I was going to do that?"

Every so often someone reminds me that I've been single a very long time. More often, someone reminds me why.

Religion is believing what others teach you. Spirituality is God revealing Himself.

WARNING!!! If you see a link that says "Click here to download a free copy of the new Nickleback song" do NOT click it!!! It will download a copy of the new Nicleback song!!

Tolerance is easy when you don't give a crap

14 year old logic states that a kid can play XBox for four hours a day, not do his homework, lose his book, and it's my fault how unfair I am for taking away his XBox.

In the original Jurassic Park, there were chromosomal sequences missing from the dinosaur DNA, so they filled in the gaps with frog DNA. This was a key plot point, since it allowed the dinosaurs to reproduce. My theory is that the same thing happened to Barney the Dinosaur, only instead of frogs they used Richard Simmons' DNA.

I'm going to start a business called Cat-O-Gram where you can send a bunch of hungry, feral cats to be delievered to someone you don't like

I have a blanket that's been prayed over by monks and nuns and like that. Some Catholics brought it to me when I was in the hospital. I wash it on gentle so I don't wash away the prayers and stuff. I think that's what Jesus would do.

A good name for a country song: "She Loves Me When She's Drinking"

You know what would be good right now? A big steaming cup of SHUT THE HELL UP

Whenever someone says "Pardon me for living" I say "That's ok just don't let it happen again" and whenever someone says "What, are you writing a book?" I say "Yes it's called 'Day of The Dumbass' and you're chapter one."

Among the Apostles were Matthew, a Sadducee who was viewed by mainstream Israelites as a Roman collaborator, Simon the Zealot, who under any other circumstances would have killed Matthew, and Paul, a Pharisee who would have looked down his nose at both of them. Yet they were united in Christ, and never once did Jesus admonish them or instruct them to change their politics. This teaching that "Scripture is clear" on any political issue is inaccurate and divisive: When Christ was faced with political issues His answer was always "What has this to do with Me?" He wouldn't involve Himself, instead shifting the focus to His Father's work. There is room in God's Kingdom for everyone who seeks Him, just as there was room at the Apostle's table.

She told me she had a B.S. in Child Development. I told her any parent with teenagers has a B.S. in Child Development.

1 John 3:17-18 If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him? Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth.

I like it when someone disagrees with me and they start to tell me how wrong I am but first they tell me all this good stuff and try to throw me off-balance: "I really admire your passion and the way you present yourself, but YOU SUCK AND YOU'RE WRONG!!"

If you're a supervillian and you feel like you're discriminated against in the workplace, you can file a complaint with the Evil Employment Opportunity Commission

It's ADHD Awareness Week. Or month, or something, I forget. Look at that butterfly.

Sometimes there's something you've been looking for your whole life and then when you least expect it your whole life goes to crap

One day all your dreams will come true. And when that day comes, I just hope that you don't find yourself speaking in front of a large group of people and then suddenly realize that you're naked. Because I have that dream sometimes. I hate that one.

I heard a preacher saying how Wicca was the work of the Devil. I didn't want to take any chances, so I burned all my patio furniture.

When I was in high school we didn't worry about girls falling in love with werewolves or vampires. We did have breakdancers, though.

Rant:: A popular Christian website has not banned me from posting comments because apparently their webmasters "routinely" delete any comments that they feel "don't further a sense of unity among believers". In other words, do NOT challenge the Christian webmasters or their followers to actually think for themselves!!!

If everyone who claimed to be at Woodstock was actually at Woodstock, the earth would have shifted on it's axis from the weight of all those people in one spot

I want to start a web dating site where sad, lonely people can go judge and reject each other. I'll be rich.

You know what will be the best part about legalizing marijuana? All the Martha Stewart type household tips about things you can do with marijuana.

If there's a high school where Bigfoot teenagers go, I bet all the yearbook pictures are grainy and out-of-focus and taken from a long distance away.

It's a bad date when she feels the need to call her girlfriend and tell her what an ass you are. It's a really bad date when she does it while you're still sitting right there at the table with her.

I hate it when the MARTA drivers are all cheery. This is why Kathy Lee Gifford doesn't work for mass transit. Shut up and let us sleep.

Co-workers in the next aisle were discussing Hannibal Lecter and one of them suddenly says "Hey, where are we having lunch today?" Watch out, co-worker number two.

To live without expectation means accepting people at face value without trust or suspicion, and being neither surprised nor disappointed; it means that promises and vows mean nothing when they're made, only when they're kept; it means being open to the possibilites each day prresents, and that kindness and compassion are ends unto themselves regardless of gratitude or recognition.

An eye for an eye was not meant to be what God required of us for the sake of justice. It was meant to be a limit as to how much we were allowed, to put a end to escalating blood-feuds that went on for generations. It was never a substitute for mercy or forgiveness.

No matter what their beliefs are, or their color or their politics or religion, no matter what they look like or how they talk, I firmly believe that almost everyone should be treated with dignity and respect.

I don't worry about people viewing my personal information on Facebook. If someone wants to steal my identity, they can have it.

Things are OLD FASHIONED not "old fashion" and we eat CORNED BEEF not "corn beef"....so far science has been unsuccessful producing a cow/corn hybrid.

I should join an anti-social network

It seems like one of America's new favorite past-times is signing on to Facebook to complain about Facebook

Did you know that if you type the word "Gullible" as your status, Facebook will automatically delete it?

One of the ladies this morning told me she could give me some good recipes to use up leftover bacon. Wait, what is "leftover bacon"?

If there was a corn maze that opened every year after April, and it was on land owned by Willy Mays, then it would be May's Mays Maize Maze.

If I'm ever held for ransom, I hope the kidnappers pick up the money at a Chick Fil-A because I like Chick Fil-A and maybe they'll pick one up for me.

A good character for Veggie Tales would be a villian whose a raisin, and they could call him Raisin Hell

Indy thought the words to the Ramones' song "I'm Affected" were "I'm A Fat Kid"

Paranoid Facebook status chainmail rants. Where more Americans get their news.

If there was a self-help book for dogs, it could be called "Who's A Good Boy? You're A Good Boy!"

Sometimes I think about how insignificant I am in the universal scheme of things, and I'm ok with it.

I had to explain to someone today that seven is not seven percent of seven hundred, it's one percent. Forty-nine is seven percent of seven hundred. The person asked me where did I learn to do that in my head? I said fourth grade.

The woman in the parking deck asked if I needed to be validated. I told her I don't need a woman to validate me.

I heard about a movie called Human Centipede so I went online and read a summary of the plot, and now I wish I could go back in time and stop myself from doing that.

The best thing about not drinking is that you very, very seldom get the urge to call your ex-girlfriends. I don't know why AA doesn't sell that more.

My boys have learned all of their housekeeping skills from me, and our house is like a college dorm. If they ever get married, I think their wives will hate me. On the other hand, they are prepared for higher learning.

I'm watching Terra Nova and I'm pretty sure that if this was 35 years ago I would be asking for a Terra Nova lunchbox

A good movie would be about a crazed chiropractor who takes hostages in an amusement park. It could be called "Thoracic Park".

When you tell a teenager to put clothes in the dryer, specify that you then want the dryer turned on

EVeryone thought I had Tourette's Syndrome but the doctor's did some tests and concluded that I was just an ass who blurted out obsceneties for no reason

A little boy bowed his head at bedtime and prayed, "Dear God, please feed all the children who are hungry, please shelter all the families without homes, and please provide clothing for all the women on Daddy's computer. Amen."

Trust me, never trust anyone who says Trust me. Except for me, right now.

The actress in the U Verse Movies commercial is also in the Toyota commercial where she says she's not an actress

The road to hell is paved with Mr. Goodbars

Once I went to an Indigo Girls concert and I was the only guy there. I was like the white, male Rosa Parks for straight dudes.

Family is most important. Without family, there's no matching liver donor.

In Heaven, you get to eat all the candy you want. Hell is the same way but they only have Red Hots and black licorice.

You've Got Mail would be funnier if the Meg RYan character was a flamboyant gay dude pretending to be a woman online

If there was a Christian superhero team, they could be called the Ten Commandos

I don't know where I stand on the issue of separating cojoined twins. I'm divided on the issue.

Whenever a woman tells me about a guy who treats her like a Queen, I remind her that Marie Antoinette was a Queen.

If you always look on the bright side no matter what happens, pretty soon your retinas will burn out and you'll go blind

That Nigerian guy who tried to smuggle a bomb onto a plane in his underwear should be called The Skidmark Bomber

If I was Catholic I would name my kid Neal, and if I was Baptist I would name my kid Duncan

The thing about Bluetooth is you can no longer tell who's talking to their friends and who's talking to invisible martians that only they can hear. It's the great equalizer

Someone watched the original Footloose and said to themselves, "Yeah, that's a lame movie but it's not quite lame enough." And then they decided to remake it.

If you have a pet lizard who is surly and unresponsive and you just can't get along with him, that's a classic case of A Reptile Dysfunction

Being a parent is kind of like being an alcoholic. YOu have to admit that you have a problem, and your life has become unmanageable.

If I had to choose between true love and a million dollars, I would choose the money, because you can fake love.

I propose a radical new form of therapy that will likely be of great benefit to many whose issues don't respond well to traditional therapies. It's called GET OVER IT and is followed up by a regimen of SHUT THE HELL UP.

I used to want a woman who looked good in Daisy Dukes. These days I'd settle for one who didn't mind my looking like Boss Hogg.

When I must choose between being right or being kind, I will be kind; when I must choose between telling someone what to believe or encouraging and giving hope, I will encourage; and when I must choose between righteous anger and mercy, I will be merciful.

I would be a really bad cop, because all my cop stories would end with me saying "...and so that's when I shot him."

You know that show Who's The Boss? That's me. I'm the boss. Deal with it.

If I ever go to prison, I won't join one of those violent, racist gangs: I'll start my own gang of nice people called HFTPG (Happy Fun Time Prison Gang). And we'll have bake sales instead of riots, and we'll get tattoos of smiley faces, and we'll be anti-gay rape but also careful not to judge homosexuals for being different. And if we can just make one violent felon's life easier, it'll all be worth it.

If you go into a job interview and they ask you where do you see yourself in 5 years, a good thing to say is "Four and a half years sober, at least". That shows that you know how to set goals.

If you have an elderly relative or family friend who announces that they've decided to include you in their will, the polite thing to do would be to throw them a surprise party, late at night, and invite everyone you know, as a special thank you.

Cheer up, no matter how bad things look now, good times are just around the corner! HA HA just kidding life sucks get over it.

There are some people to whom you will always be the worst thing you ever did. They will echo back to you the most hurtful thing you ever said, and a thousand victories will never outweigh even your smallest failure, and you will never be right enough to undo your wrongs. If you give any thought to these people at all, pray for them, and then go on with your life, acheive, and be awesome.

Angus T. Jones, Charlie Sheen, Jon Cryer, Tom Selleck, Ted Danson and Steve Guttenberg could make a movie together and call it "Five And A Half Men And A Baby"

Sometimes people only believe because they want to. It's not because of revelation, or evidence, or because they gain anything from it. It's just because they choose to, and sometimes it's difficult. It's the same way for people who don't believe, and that's why it's pointless to argue.

If God made man from the dust of the earth, it should be against our religion to use Pledge. We could be wiping up our ancestors.

It would be really ironic if scientists found out that a fear of getting cancer caused cancer.

She asked me if I could have dinner with anyone living or dead, who would I have dinner with? Stupid question. How could you have dinner with someone if you're dead?

Gave a homeless dude $5 two weeks ago. Saw the same homeless dude today and he remembered me and gave me a MARTA Breeze card, said he hardly ever uses MARTA so I was like, ok cool. Just checked it online and it has $52 on it. Score.

Once I got in an argument with this chick who said there was only one way to look at things. I told her there was more than one way to look at things, and finally she said it all depends on how you look at things, and so we both won. But I won.

Ever since my friend Patricia married John Hearn, she just doesn't know how to act. That's why we call her the Pat Hearn of Bad Behavior.

A friend warns you when you have a bad idea, and helps you up when you ultimately fail. A real friend doesn't say anything and then laughs when you fall on your face. Or, wait, no, that's a family member. Nevermind.

She told me my whole life was a joke. Yes, I think an awesome joke that you tell everyone you know.

The guy in the cube across from me looks like an Indian version of the dorky Japanese guy on Heroes

Ponce Deleon went in search of the mythical Fountain of Youth, which many people don't realize is located next to the Cool Springs of Indifference, so it's likely that even if he'd found it, he was just all "Whatever."

I'm going to start a foundation to raise awareness about ignorance

Tried to teach myself Crazy Eights, but first I had to learn Bipolar Sevens and Histrionic Sixes

People just don't take Putt Putt golf seriously

I will vote for any Republican who can get Hollywood to stop remaking Robin Hood, Three Musketeers, King Arthur or Sherlock Holmes

After many years of experience, trial and error, learning from our mistakes and figuring out what works and what doesn't, we've come up with the box. Please don't try to prove yourself by thinking outside it. It's there for a reason. Have a nice day.

On average, married men live ten years longer than their unmarried peers, whether they want to or not.

EVeryone tells you that 50% of marriages end in divorce. What they don't tell you is that 90% of divorces end in AWESOME!!!

Sometimes people say "I don't care" when what they really mean is "I care more than anything else on earth but I don't want to appear weak or vulnerable." It's kind of sad.

My favorite character in Autumn In New York is the tumor that killed Winona Ryder

If I disappeared, would the world notice I was gone? Because if the world disappeared, I would notice it was gone.

Freedom of speech means that your expression is protected from the government, not from your own stupidity

She told me that some days she felt like a glorified delivery person. I asked who was making her feel glorified?

Fear and worry look forward to a future that doesn't exist; Guilt and regret look backwards to a past that can't be changed. The present alone touches eternity. Embrace it, and be awesome.

A boy comes home from Sunday school with a drawing of a bearded man surrounded by large cats. His mom says, is that Daniel in the lion's den? No, he says, it's Jesus healing the leopards.

Dr. Phil says "I've been doing this show for ten years and things are just getting worse and worse." Really, Dr. Phil? Maybe you're the problem.

The beauty of life is our utter sameness; that we all grieve in the same way, we all love, we all value justice and compassion. And yet we're all different and unique, with our own talents and passions and gifts. It is in this universe of equal parts order and chaos that we recognize the enormity of God and His creation.

Remember when we used to give a crap?

You know how there's that ringtone that only teenagers can hear? My voice is kind of like that, because my kids don't seem to hear anything I say.

I know that electricity is real because I have lights and appliances that run on it. I know that radio waves are real because I have a receiver that translates them into sound. I know that God is real because I have a spirit that seeks Him and recognnizes Him.

All of your self-destructive and dysfunctional relationships have one thing in common, and that's you.

Call from a drunkk ex girlfriend telling me what a jerk I am. Nice way to end the day.

I would like to be friends with Morgan Freeman or James Earl Jones because I bet they go around narrating everything, and I think my life could use narration.

Assisted two different women this morning who were literally leaving the food bank with no place to go. One of them didn't even have a car to live in, and they both had small children.

Brock is a good, strong American name. Unless your last name is Lee.

The questions on Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader are sometimes harder than the ones on Jeopardy

I know some people who won't let their kids watch Harry Potter movies because they say it teaches witchcraft. But I don't think it's doing a very good job, because my kids watch Harry Potter but they still don't know any.

Justin Bieber should lend his name to a cartoon about a Beaver superhero and call it "Justin Bieber the Justice Beaver"

They say that when you die, you'll be wishing that you had more time to spend with your family. You won't wish you had worked more, or made more money. Although either of those things will probably look better to you than dying.

If the top minds in history and archaeology announced tomorrow that they could prove every word of the New Testament, that every person really lived and every miracle actually performed, if biologists and geologists confirmed everything from creation to the flood to the parting of the Red Sea....none of it would further the Kingdom of God more than a single life lived in humility and dedicated to God's service.

This weekend I heard someone say "I'm sorry, but I am NOT apologizing!"

People tell me I should be more of an optimist, and that makes me sad because I'm kind of old to go to eye doctor school.

If you get kicked out of stage magician school, you become diisillusioned

The first 4 hours of work go by quickly and seem more like 2 hours. The last 4 go by slowly and seem like 8 hours. So I feel like I should be getting paid for 10. And that's not my opinion, it's just math. You can't argue with math.

If you really love shampoo and that's all you ever put in your hair, then you love unconditionally.

Why would I watch reality TV when I don't even like reality in reality?

Holidays are all about family. Except Halloween. That's all about strangers, with candy.

I think the butter flavor of microwave popcorn smells like vomit

If this was Logan's Run I'd be Soylent Green by now

If you're a woman and you're dating a guy who's afraid of commitment, the best way to scare him on Halloween is to wear a wedding gown.

All the neighborhood kids were downstairs yesterday and I'm afraid there's an Occupy My Basement movement growing

There is a limited amount of happiness in the universe. So if you're not happy, someone has yours.

I just thought of a great name for a band: Tequila Mockingbird

You know why guys think single women are all dangerously insane. Because women are dangerously insane.

Every time God closes a door He opens a window. That's in case He accidentally locks Himself out of Heaven.

The truth is that everyone is their own religion, whether we acknowledge it or not. We talk about unity as if there's safety in numbers, but in the end we all face God alone.

News channels that say "Send us in your pictures and videos and we'll put them on the air" are really saying "Do our job for us and don't get paid."

Somewhere I bet there's a team of scientists working for tobacco companies who are paid millions of dollars and every week turn in a report that says "It's Still Kills People"

I had a dream that a bunch of my friends did an intervention type thing with me, except they were telling me they didn't want me to be their friend anymore

How does Superman cut his hair or shave, doesn't he have Kryptonian super-hair? How does Sam on Quantum Leap cut his hair when he can't see his own reflection? What about Dracula? And how does Tarzan keep clean-shaven in the jungle?

Waiiting for my kids to come home, I call this Pre-Traumatic Stress Disorder

How I Met Your Mother is a chick show pretending to be a guy show

Everyone should set aside one night every week to be spontaneous

Christ didn't send His followers to win arguments or persuade non-believers by debating science and history. He didn't establish an elite group of believers to live apart from humanity and promote their own agenda. Rather, Christ's message was always inclusive and broadly defined by kindness and compassion, humility and service to others.

From the moment we are born we begin to die

Everything you've heard is true

Once you've accepted your own mortality and faced the harsh reality that death could claim you at any moment, things like watching TV just seem stupid

I think if Dr. Phil has ever actually helped anyone with his show, it was just by accident

Christina Applegate is the most under-rated talent in the world right now. Great actress and really hot and very funny. She's the perfect woman.

Dear Media, I think I know everything I need to know about Kim Kardashian already. Love, Mark

If you mess with the bull you get the crap

Whoever thought of putting a cookie inside a candy bar should win the Nobel Prize for candy, and share it with the person who put a pretzel inside an M+M

I just blocked someone on Facebook. I really think that what this person was doing was almost stalking me, literally. Now supposedly she can't see or interact with me on Facebook ever again.

When I work from home I can either work all day in my pajamas or I can decide what I'm going to wear tomorrow and then just sleep in it. Kind of like when I used to drink, except then it wasn't really a decision I made, it was just something that happened organically

YOu know all those people who always say that they'll be here for you? Where do you think they mean when they say "here"? Because I can never find any of them.

The first step is admitting you have a problem, so never admit anything.

Eugenics - The study of why people name their kids "Eugene"

If there was a Jonas brother that no one knew about, he would be a bonus Jonas

YOu know that song "Amie" by Pure Prairie League? I always wondered if they were singing "I think I could stay with you" or "I think a guy could stay with you"

Ancient Canaanites considered Mount Carmel to be a sacred place. Probably because of the awesome apples they grew there.

If gay people are ever allowed to start getting married, gay divorces are going to take extra long because they're going to have to decide who gets what clothes.

If all lawyers and judges were mimes and everything had to be acted out in court like charades, I bet people wouldn't sue each other so much. Does anyone else ever think about stuff like this?

Just finished reading "The Me I Want To Be" by John Ortberg. It made me take a good long look at myself and realize I don't want to be John Ortberg.

Monday morning coming up. Back to the rat race. And those rats are really fast and hungry.

Life is short, so never be afraid to tell someone that you love them. Unless it's just some random chick you don't even know who you think is hot, because that's just creepy.

YOu know those Family Life courses in High School where you have to carry around an egg and pretend it's a baby? They should have an advanced class where you have to carry around a rabid, feral cat and pretend it's a teenager.

Every year at this time I make a special effort to thank all the vets for the freedoms we enjoy. And every year they escort me out of the animal hospital and tell me not to "harrass" them anymore.

If you sit next to me in the breakroom talking the whole time Jeopardy is on, don't try to be my friend later.

Take a moment today and just enjoy the fact that you're my friend. It's a Markday miracle. A little gift from me to you.

If someone says they're too busy to return a call or even answer a text message and then suddenly announces they're in a fantastic new relationship, or if someone says they desperately need help and so you offer to help and then they ignore you, or just generally don't even acknowledge you for months on end...why the heck would they act all offended or upset if you took them off your Facebook list?? People are so stupid.

Whenever someone dies people always say they were full of life. As far as I can tell that just means they were alive before they died.

There is a youngish looking lady with glasses and long auburn hair reading a book across from me on the train and I LOVE HER!! If this was a shampoo commercial we would connect and she would write her number on the window. Of course I would be 20 and I'd have hair. Oh well there she goes. Bye.

You can't expect people to like you when you make no effort to be likable. You can't expect loyalty from people you overlook.

OK you know that guy that's always just THERE no matter what, who everyone just kind of thinks of as back-up but no one really respects, and you calll him if you need something or if there's nothing else to do, but otherwise don't really think about? It's been suggested that I might be that guy.

I know not what weapons will be used to fight WW3, but I do know how we'll fight WW4, using genetically-altered midgets who shoot lasers from their eyes, armed with flamethrowers and super jet-packs ~Albert Einstein

A good movie would be where a class-action litigator, a mime and a ventriliquist were all caught on an elevator and the rescue team had to decide which one to save last. It would be kind of like Catch 22 except the opposite of that.

YOu know how at the beginning of a superhero movie, the guy will just be walking around like normal, not realizing he has super-powers until he's in danger of being hurt really bad? Teenagers are like the exact opposite of that.

My favorite character in the Twilight Series is not Edward or Jacob, it's whoever it was that almost ran Bella over with his truck

All those people that everyone calls grumpy have probably been disappointed too many times by life. Or just really tired.

I love the show Parks and Recreation. If you're not watching it you need to stop watching TV altogether because you have no TV watching talent.

The first time I ate a waffle it made me wonder why anyone would ever eat anything other than waffles and I think if world leaders just sat down together and just ate waffles we could all agree on the wafflish awesomeness of waffles and there would be no more poverty or war. We could build spaceships and eat waffles forever.

I'm worried that if this "personhood" thing passes then it will be counted as child abuse to squeeze a person through a tiny hole

Sometimes I call my own number and leave a message saying I love you. Some people think that's pathetic, but I really do love me. And let's face it, everyone needs to hear it.

Lexus claims they don't have Crash Test Dummies, because they stress test over a bajillion data points, theirs are called Crash Test GENIUSES. But I don't think a genius would be on the inside of the car.

I love it when I tell a teenager to do someting and he doesn't do it and then actually tries to convince me that I didn't say to him the words that I myself said, like I'm the one out of the two of us who would have forgotten, like I just love conflict so much that I would make it up? What is wrong with these kids?

No amount of money that I've ever had has ever made me happy, but thhat doesn't mean that a whole bunch more wouldn't do the trick.

If someone doesn't even know that the star Vega is 26 light years from Earth, then they're probably lying when they tell you that they're Vegan.

I have two friends angry at me for not taking sides in a gossip war, and my two teenage kids got in a screaming match over a bag of Sunchips, and just now I was thinking this is not where I wanted my life to be at 45 years of age

The new guy on Bones has a horrible, horrible fake Southern accent. As bad as Jodie Foster's in Silence of The Lambs.

Necessity is the mother of invention, and alcohol is the mother of regret

In Heaven there are special sound-proof rooms for fundamentalists, doctors, and celebrities, so that they can pretend they're the only ones there.

I love getting my comforter out of the dryer and taking a nap. It's like laying on top of a hundred feverish kittens.

You can take the average human's nerve ending and stretch them out all the way from New York to San Francisco. Most likely, however, he would die in a horrific amount of pain.

They say that the lawyer who represents himself has a fool for a client. And a lawyer, too.

The Buddhist believes that we cause our own suffering by expecting things, whether they're possessions or relationships or power and prestige, to bring us happiness. It's not that we desire the wrong things, but that we desire things at all. Further, we not only live in willful ignorance of these tendencies but we avoid situations that might enlighten us, such as clinging to destructive relationships or refusing to give up possessions. These are called Attachment, Ignorance, and Aversion. Mindfulness is the key to ending suffering.

A year or so ago I had a discussion right here on FB about how all movies would be improved by adding Klingons, and one I suggested was "A Good Day To Die Hard" because as any Trekkie knows that's a common Klingon expression "a good day to die"...well now they're making Die Hard 5 and guess what the title is? A Good Day To Die Hard!!! I wonder if it'll have Klingoons in it?

If I was a scientist a goood experiment would be to put Jello in space. I don't know what it would prove but it would be fun

I think the thing that makes TV characters so much more interesting than us is that they don't spend hours and hours watching TV

Everyone is unique, but I like to think that I am uniquer than most people

Someone told me they notice I talk to everyone the same, cops and waitresses and co-workers and homeless people all the same. I guess they meant that in a good way.

I would never name my kid Maureen, because when we go to war the Maureens are the first ones that get deployed

I like how, on TV, grown people tell lies, and then have to set up an elaborate plan to convince people that it's true - like they have to pretend that they're married or that they're rich. I've never done that, but I bet it would be fun.

Whenever anyone says that you're "sitting there" doing something, it's always something bad. You're sitting there blaming someone else or you're sitting there doing nothing. You're never sitting there curing cancer, or sitting there making life better. So never sit.

I believe that no matter what their situation or what they look like or how much money they make, what clothes they wear, or their language or religion, almost everyone deserves to be treated with dignity and respect, with absolutely very few exeptions.

The thing about the Incredible Hulk is, at least you don't have to guess what he's thinking or feeling

Why is it when someone has a profoundly moving experience and they feel like posting about it on FB, but not say what happened? Stuff like "Yesterday my life was changed forever and I felt like a raccoon in a trash bin! I know you can't read this but thank you Maria for just being you!" What is the point of that? EVeryone can see it but apparently the only person who would understand it can't read it. Someone enlighten me.

I think the next Survivor should be at the abandoned railyard/loading dock/homeless encampment underneath the CNN Center on Marietta Street

The laziest creatures on Earth are trees. They've even evolved the ability to feed themselves by sucking food right from the ground, so that they never have to move or think. Stupid, lazy trees.

I am deleting Facebook friends who contribute nothing to society, and by society I mean my own personal entertainment

If there was a Russian versions of the Jetsons, they would be the Jetskis.

A good reality show would be one where celebrity contestants have to make the best cupcakes and then have a dance-off while modeling

Waiting for the Terra Nova / Flintstones crossover

You cannot build a lasting relationship just on the fact that a woman is hot. It's one of the things that makes the universe so unfair.

YOu know how people say that ghosts are the spirits of people who died? Why do they always make spooky sounds and open and close doors? Maybe they're the spirits of people who are jerks. They could at least clean up your kitchen for you or make your bed. Jerks.

YOu know that book The Giving Tree? It should be called The Codependent Tree.

You love me. Admit it, and we can both get on with our lives.

If your job was to inspect buildings in Germany to see how much damage was caused by rats, then your job would be to determine German vermin

If you were a war veteran it would be pretty traumatizing to wake up to the sound of Quinn and his friends playing whatever video game they're playing in the room directly beneath me.

My friend Arthur does impressions of board games. The best one is when Art imitates Life.

It would be funny if there was a clown funeral and they just kept pulling coffins out of the back of the hearse. To me it would, anyway, because I don't like clowns.

The expression is "Rub your nose in it" and not "Rub it in your nose"

The release of Snow White and The Huntsman has to be delayed because all the other Republicans will demand equal time.

In fiction, the Devil offers you a contract and takes your soul in exchange for power and money and control. In reality, we carry around bitterness and prejudice and venom and we get nothing for it.

If you want to see the new Twilight movie but haven't caught up on the previous films, I'll sum up the storyline for you: A boring girl does stupid things and guys like her for no reason. Also there are monsters.

When I was a kid everything was so much bigger, and people were a lot taller than they are now.

Do what is right, despite how you feel. Expect nothing. Desire nothing. Give what you have. Take what is given with grace.

I was never a "glass half full" kind of guy. I just drank straight from the bottle.

The ex used to have a tradition where we all sat down Thanksgiving morning and watched The Sound of Music. It's a tradition I've tried to keep alive, only our favorite holiday movie is the first Die Hard.

"ME: ""Quinn, get up we have to go to Grandmom's""
QUINN: ""This is what I've been telling you, I don't like it when you spring things on me like this.""
ME: ""THanksgiving comes every year at the same time, I'm sorry you didn't see it coming."""

My life is so wonderful and I enjoy so many blessings that if I had just one wish during this magical season of giving and sharing, it would be for absolute power over every living being in the entire universe

They say dogs can smell fear. Also, based on my personal observation, cats can smell desperate loneliness

I bet the first course at the Last Supper was the Render Unto Caesar Salad

When someone tells me I'm no longer relevant, I like to imagine they said no longer ELEPHANT, and I laugh and laugh, because who says stuff like that? Idiot.

If you stay through the end credits of The Muppets, Nick Fury appears and asks them to join the Avengers

Sometimes I like to take a good long look in the mirror and just reflect. You know, in the mirror. Give it a minute.

I made chili that is so hot that it will not only kill you to eat it, but the forensic scientists who do the autopsy on you will conclude that you were killed by a blowtorch that blasted out from the inside of your head.

A good super-power to have would be the ability to always make small talk that people find interesting.

Religion tells us why we're here and how we arrived. The religious person adheres to a standard of behavior and uniformity of thought and belief. Spirituality accepts the universe as unknowable. The spiritual person embraces diversity and celebrates the individual while requiring nothing.

Everywhere they traveled to preach the Gospel, Jesus's apostles would open restaurants with an all-you-can-eat loaves and fishes bar

The lesser evil is the one we recognize and battle against; the greater evil is the one we become while doing so

Greater trust has no man than a blind person for his barber

If I was going to write a book of crockpot recipes for Christians, I would call it "What Would Jesus Stew?"

don't you hate it when some group in concert plays the music and has the whole audience sing the song? It's like damn, do your freaking job! Am I right? When I go to the dentist, he doesn't hand me the drill and say "You know how this one goes"

When people express opinions based on limited information or are simply misinformed, I encourage them to investigate, examine the issue from a different perspective, and the SHUT THE HELL UP!!!

It's a fine line between reserving judgement and just not giving a crap

I wish I could have just one day of not worrying or being anxious or having homeless people look at me weird. That last thing isn't related, I just don't like it.

If you think a woman would be flattered by a guy raving on and on about how hot her identical twin sister is, you would be wrong. Turns out, they hate that.

New Zealand is Australia's Canada, and Ireland is England's Alabama

If you say you believe something but you don't live it, if you say love but you judge people, if you ask forgiveness but you don't forgive, if you talk about equality but don't give of yourself or treat people equally, then that's not what you believe. Thinking that something is true is not the same as believing.

When Bruce Wayne goes to work, who does he tell people is beating him up at home every night?

I just now thought of something. Clark Kent walking around minding his business with x-ray eyes could tell just with a glance who has cancer and tumors and stuff, and can't tell anyone. What a bastard. He could save more lives that way I bet than by lifting up trains and buses.

Be yourself because those who matter don't mind and those who mind suck

No matter how awesome your phone is, or how fast the network you're on or how great your data plan is, it still doesn't make what you have to say any more interesting.

If you really really hate your life and nothing seems to help, there's only one thing you can do, and that is post about it on Facebook all the time. That'll help.

A good business would be a combination Family Therapist's office and Shooting Range

Twin sisters June and May headed a prominent Southern family named Knotts in a small Tennessee town, and May was even elected Mayor one year. Jealous, everywhere June went that year she heard people saying "That may or may not be Mayor May Knotts."

When pot is legal, driving stoned won't be the problem that drunk driving is now, because pizza places deliver

Note to self: Stop talking to yourself in public, especially when you're saying stuff like "People are so stupid" standing at the coffee counter in downtown Atlanta surrounded by people

Living in a fantasy world isn't so bad, but the commute is a bitch

If you click like on this status I'll post on your wall why I like you

There is an inverse relationship between how often a guy can eat at Hooters and how attractive he will be to Hooters waitresses

I don't know for sure, but I bet homeless people really like that song "Cars" by Gary Numan, because it's a song about a guy who lives in his car

The Buddhist believes that anger only leads to more anger, and the only way to peace is to release anger. Denying one's anger is to live in ignorance, however; one cannot master what one does not acknowledge.

I count myself kind of a second-generation vegan, because I only eat beef from vegetarian cows

When you're faced with a dangerous situation, you don't have time to think. You only have time to act. So when I'm faced with danger, I stop and take a minute and say "WHat would I do if I wasn't thinking?" and then I do that. If it's not too late already because I took that minute to think and the danger killed me. But that's a chance you have to take.

Apparently in the five years since I've asked a woman out, they've come up with this new thing where they don't say yes or no, they just ignore you and act like you didn't say anything.

Someone should invent glove-shoes for monkeys

They say that when you die, you won't wish you had more money, but you will wish you'd spent more time with friends and family. Although either of those things will probably look better than dying.

YOu know how in the Bible, the angel appeared to Mary and told her that she would have a baby and that she would name Him Jesus? Well, today I was thinking, what if she had the baby but she named Him Kevin? Then we would all be praying to Kevin Christ. That would be weird.

I thought I baby-proofed my house but they keep getting in.

If you make a Beat Farmers station on Pandora, it will play Clash, Ramones, Sex Pistols, Warren Zevon, Counting Crows, Buddy Holly, Johnny Cash, Dwight Yoakam, and John Denver. No lie.

Someday I want people to look at me and say to themselves "Hey, look at that guy!"

The greatest magic of all is the magic of friendship and love. Ha ha just kidding life sucks get over it.

Remember when I said that thing that time that was really funny, wasn't that funny? Pay attention to me.

There comes a point in every man's life where he has to just stop, and say, "Hey!"

I have a three o'clock meeting with a guy named Dave. Not my made-up alter ego named Dave, but a real guy named Dave.

When you raise your cows and chickens with minimal involvement and allow them to roam and develop naturally, you're organic and a good environmentalist. But when you raise your kids that way, suddenly you're a "bad parent".

Before he died, Mozart composed many symphonies. After he died, he decomposed.

Someone needs to tell Alex Trebek how insulting it is to tell a Jeopardy contestant that they're "back on the plus side." Seriously.

Be yourself. There isn't really another choice.

Isn't being passive-aggressive kind of like being smart-stupid or short-tall?

One good thinng about going to the dentist is that you don't have to make small talk. Doesn't quite make up for the drilling or the blood or the screaming, but it's something.

The closest thing that grown-ups have to experiecing the birthing process would be going headfirst down a waterslide inside a sleeping bag. I think I just accidentally invented a radical new form of therapy.

The only thing sadder than a passive-aggressive Facebook status, it's someone wrongly assuming it's about them

A good science fiction show would be about a time-traveling Yoko Ono who travels across parallel dimensions and in every reality she visits, she breaks up a different version of the Beatles

Of all God's creatures, man alone makes war, or kills his own kind with guns, or uses ventriliquist dummies

Fred Phelps says God hates Christmas because of all the gay apparel

I told my kid I'd get him a car if he cut his hair. He said Jesus had long hair and he wanted to be like Jesus. I told him Jesus walked everywhere he went.

Hearing preachers argue over whether or not there's really a Hell is like living in a city full of crime while politicians argue over whether or not there's a jail

When I'm home by myself, I like to run around screaming "I am the best! I am Awesome!" Actually that's a lie. I don't have to be by myself.

If I was a young guy and my wife and I were poor and she had to give birth in a barn surrounded by animals, I would probably really hate any kids who came into the barn playing a drum.

If Anson Williams played a character who was really strict about how to play dice-based strategy games, then he would be Potsie the Yahtzee Nazi

Be kind to those who don't deserve it. Practice compassion when you don't stand to gain from it. Expect nothing, and let your reward be found in the type of person you become.

One of the young ladies at the coffee place told me it was her last day and came out behind the counter and said some really nice things. I guess it's true that you never know whose life you're going to affect.

There are no good people or bad people; we are all works in progress, facing the same choices everyday. The best we can expect of ourselves is to do better than we did yesterday.

In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Exceed

Had two discussions today about God.  One with a Christian and one with a Buddhist. I was invited to both their services/studies and one woman asked me teach her meditation. Weird day.

Always take the high road. And if you can't take the high road, encourage other to take the high road. That way, there's more room for you on the low road.

Why don't gyms have giant hamster wheels for people to work out on?