January 15, 2003

I think men should be stronger than women. Now, when most folks hear that, they think that the man should be the Boss In Charge of Everything, and always get his way and always have the last word. But that isn't what I mean. In fact, in a way, I mean just the exact total oppposite of that.

I also don't mean that men are stronger, biologically, than women, although I think that that's true and can be statistically demonstrated. I just don't think that physical strength counts for all that much anymore, since we don't live in caves or hunt animals with sticks.

All I mean is that a man should be strong enough that he doesn't need to have his way and be the Boss all the time. It's like, if there were two trees, and one could bend and one couldn't: The one that bends will still be standing when a strong winds comes, but the other will just be firewood.

This may all sound like a fortune cookie to you, but it's real and it's true. And you will go on journey, happy long time.

Just kidding.

This may all be new to you, and it's something men don't really talk about. The reason for this is that most men haven't figured it out yet. Because men are conditioned to be thinking about other things, like beer and Swedish Bikini Mud Wrestling. Also, a lot of men are still convinced that they should be the Boss In Charge Of Everything.

I can prove this theory to you, if you don't believe me. The next time you and your wife or girlfriend or whatever get in a fight, and you've both dug in your heels and you're both totally convinced that you're right, try this: Just say, you're right. Say, let's stop yelling. Say, I'm sorry. I guarantee you, she will totally buy it.

I know the arguments forming in your mind right now, that what I'm talking about is being a total wussball and caving in to whatever she wants. But all I'm really talking about is listening to her, what she's trying to say, and ask yourself, logically, if any of it has any merit whatsoever. Is there even the smallest part of her argument that you agree with? If there is, tell her. She'll love it.

There's a reason I say that men should do this, and not women. One is because women are wired differently than men and tend to get emotional. The other is because, if the woman tries this and bends even just a little, the man will claim victory and drag her back to his cave. Because to men, everything in life is not just a competition, but an all-out war.

I'm not by any means saying that men are smarter than women, just that generally they're less emotional, and that women are about a million times more likely to be dangerously insane. This goes along with being so emotional, and I'm not just talking about being sensitive and romantic, because men do that too, but women are just more likely to allow their emotions to affect their decision-making processes. And if you're a woman and you're reading this and you're really getting angry at what I'm suggesting, and you feel like lashing out and throwing the computer out the window, then go look up the word "ironic" in the dictionary.

I'm not being critical. I like women. Generally, they're nicer to look at and they smell better. When I was in school, most of my best friends were girls. I don't know why. I guess because even the ones that I didn't find all that attractive, I kind of thought of as rehearsal for the ones that I did.

Let me make this simpler:

Here's what men are like: Did you ever go into a guy's garage and see those little tackle-box things with all the little drawers in it for different size screws and nails and bolts? That's how a man's brain is. Not that it's that organized, or highly ordered, but that everything is kept separated. I mean, guy's think that their lives at home have nothing to do with their performance at work, and a guy can sniff coke off a hooker's chest and then go home and tell his wife he loves her, and really mean it, or at least think he does. It's also why two guy's can fight and then be best friends the next day. It's why Hitler could be nice to his dog, or why Ted Bundy could be this upstanding, well-mannered pillar of the community and then go out raping and torturing coeds in Florida. Like the part of the brain that tells them to screw around or kill people or kick that dog through a hedge have nothing to do with the part that says take your wife to dinner or put that check in the collection plate at church.

Now, women are just the exact opposiite. This is why women are always soul-searching and examining everything and asking what does it mean? It's why two girls who fight will never ever be friends again, and it's why when a woman doesn't like you she will totally hate you forever and never say anything nice about you. Because to a woman everything is connected and it all means something and somehow the fact that you forgot to say excuse me when you belched at dinner is reason enough to bring up the fact that you misplaced your wedding ring in 1992 or slammed tequila shots the night before your wedding.

A guy can argue about just one thing, and keep separate the parts that he agrees with from the parts that he doesn't. A woman will argue about everything all at once, past, present, even future things and imaginary things that never even happened or happened to someone else. They're like those aliens on Deep Space Nine that live outside of linear time so that, to them, everything is happening all at once, past, present, and future.