27 february 2000
12:54am
reflections

i've really taken some time off from this web page recently. i can't say for sure why- i think it's a combination of many things: work to do, lack of time, plus a moment or so of feeling too vulnerable due to this online journal. but in the end i'm staying true to my original sentiments and will continue to occasionally post things up here. but i am the first to admit that because this is such a public forum, i am not as honest or as baring as i write in my real journal. i just can't. being so aware of other people's feelings throughout my life has put a condition on what i am willing to say aloud (or write publically) in front of them. it's the way it is. it's who i am.

time over this past month has been extremely variable. it is a period of very different feelings and moments and thoughts and experiences. sometimes i feel like i'm on a rollercoaster, just barrelling towards graduation. other times i feel the overwhelming presence of the past, am consumed by it, and time moves so slowly. tonight i printed out the beginning of my resume flurry- i put together cover letters and resumes and references for the outdoor schools i am interested in in california. i think washington comes tomorrow. oh, and i still need to figure out what i'm doing with myself for the summer. i want so badly to be spending precious time with friends, but nobody has expressed any interest in traveling together, or hanging together, or just having some sort of extended goodbye before we all run away from each other. so i guess i should get a job. alaska. it's the only place i can imagine being right after leaving swarthmore. if i'm not with my friends, then i have this intense need to be far, far away from them. maybe to make things easier. to be alone, to recover.

speaking of friends, things have been interesting on that front. david and i had a long talk one night in paces, going over why things were the way they were and resolved to spend more time together, to be honest with each other. it sounds so nice, because i really do miss him. but alas, i still feel like we're stuck in the same place. part of it is me- i was so resolved not to let myself get hurt anymore, that i felt i had to just pull back to where i was giving only what i felt i was getting. and now, to try to override that, to let myself be in this exposed position again- my brain tells me i can do it, but my heart is having a really hard time accepting that. i would love us to be closer again, but we just don't spend any quality time together, and i don't really feel like i know who he is right now, and i have been replaced. that's just the way it is. and it really hurts at times.
neil and i have been spending more time together, and i'm going to be staying at his house for most of spring break (during the time i won't be at his house, i'll be in boston, visiting shawn, which i am so excited about). we're both really excited about that, and i love feeling so wanted. i don't know what it is about our friendship that's so great- maybe it's the remarkable lack of weirdness. i often feel like there is some aspect of weirdness that can occur in certain situations or topics or whatever in many of my relationships. maybe we're just lucky enough not to have that, or maybe we haven't found it yet, but neil and i can say anything and do anything together and it only brings us closer. we have a friendship based on fun and wanting to be around each other, and it's superb.

there are so many other interesting things i could talk about... the 4 apostles friday trip to nyc... dar... ecology stuff... boggle... but you know, sometimes you just have to let your brain punch out for the night and get yourself to bed. that time is upon us, kids.

1:23am