26 march 2000
10:32pm
finding freedom

wow. in 3 days, there will be only 2 months left. i don't want to say goodbye. there's so much that needs to be said, needs to be done before those 60 days are gone! new connections to be made, old ones to re-establish, thank yous for making my life better.

i wish i didn't feel so lonely so often here. but i think it has a lot to do with the dwindling days. during the times that i'm alone i just feel this incredible, overwhelming need to be with friends. and i think i used to be okay with my solitary moments. lonliness also comes in feeling that i don't have the connections i want with the people i choose to surround myself with. but one thing i have learned over this past year is that it isn't worth it trying to change people. ah well. time to embrace what i have and learn to accept what i cannot change.

on thursday night i went to see the nields sisters with emily. despite my hesitations about going, it was really enjoyable. it was at rosemont college (who even knew it existed?) in their cafe. and like, no one was there. and it was free. and i got their new cd, plus i got one signed by katryna for neil, racking up major friendship bonus points. the nields really make me wish music-making was my calling. this is the fourth or fifth time i've seen them in concert this year. and they're just so happy with where they are and what they're doing. and i want that too. hopefully there will be musicians galore at whatever outdoor school i wind up at next year. and we can be joyful and surround ourselves with music.

oh, this is just taking an inordinate amount of time to write. there are so many thoughts and feelings running through me, though i'm not sure if i want to write about any of them. for example, pondering my own mortality. this has been a recurring theme since i heard about the death of a friend from high school a few days ago. he wasn't planning on dying any time soon- he was on his spring break, valedictorian of his college, 21 years old, the future rolling out forever in front of him. and suddenly, an accident, and everything is gone. i can't live my life without taking risks- part of what makes life worth living for me is occassionally facing what scares me, doing something i didn't think i had the courage to accomplish, letting loose of inhibitions and just being free for a moment. but you know, you just never think anything could actually happen to you. not when you're 21, in college.

freedom sounds so wonderful right now. i'm so captured, within myself, in routine and complacency and fear. i hold myself back. okay, spur of the moment new year's resolution, i vow to try to embrace freedom, to abandon hesitation, to "expand my hula hoop," as sue would say.

11:21pm