RedNeck Jokes

Redneck Jokes ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A FARMER WALKED INTO AN ATTORNEY'S OFFICE....
"I want one of them dayvorces!", said the farmer.
"Do you have grounds", the attorney asked.
"Yes sir", replied the farmer. "I've got 140 acres."
"No, No!", the attorney stated, "I mean, do you have a case?"
"No, sir", replied the farmer. "I've got a John Deere."
"Sir", the bewildered attorney said, "What I'm trying to ask you is do you have a grudge?"
"Yes,sir", said the farmer. "That's were I keep my John Deere."
"No, I mean do you have a suit?". the attorney asked.
"Yes, sir. I wear it to church every Sunday." the farmer answered.
"Okay, let me ask you this. Does your wife beat you up?" asked the attorney.
"No, sir. We both get up at 4:30 every morning." stated the farmer.
Frustrated, the attorney then asked, "Is your wife a nagger?"
"No sir." the farmer replied emphatically. "She's a little white woman about this tall, but she had a nagger baby and that's why I want this dayvorce!!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You know you're a redneck if;
More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.
You think the stock market has a fence around it.
You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.
You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
You've ever used lard in bed.
Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.
You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.
Your home has more miles on it than your car.
Your Christmas tree is still up in February.
You've ever been arrested for loitering.
You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'oeuvre.
There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
You've ever shot anyone for looking at you.
You own a homemade fur coat.
Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
Your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
There are more than five McDonald's bags currently on the floorboard of your car.
Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette.
There is a wasp nest in your living room.
The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice.
You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.
There has ever been crime-scene tape on your front door.
You burn your front yard rather than mow it.
You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
Fewer than half of your cars run.
You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
The taillight covers of your car are made of tape.
Your car has never had a full tank of gas.
Any of your kids were conceived in a car wash.
Your momma has ever been involved in a cuss fight with the principal.
You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
Your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few days.
Your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out how to fix it.
Your momma doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her a--.
You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
Your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states.
You're an expert on worm beds.
Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath!"
Your family tree does not fork.
The flood history of the area can be seen on your living room walls.
You haul more than U-Haul.
Your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, "The feud is back on!"
There is a gun rack on your bicycle.
Your wedding was held in the delivery room.
Your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.
Your wife's hairdo attracts bees.
Your baby's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers."
The antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes.
Your primary source of income is the pawn shop.
You pick your teeth from a catalog.
You've ever financed a tattoo.
You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the "day my ship came in."
Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
Your mother has been involved in a fist fight at a high school sports event.
You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
You own all the components of soap on a rope except the soap.
The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.
You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
You entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.
You go to the family reunion to pick up women.
your grandmother has ever been asked to leave a bingo game because of her language.
You can't tell what color your car is because of the dirt.
You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
None of your shirts cover your stomach.
Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.
Birds are attracted to your beard.
The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".
Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.
You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
Bikers back down from your momma.
You were shooting pool when your kids were born.
Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.
You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".
You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
You've ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow.
The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the h--l are you looking at, Sh-thead?"
You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
You've ever shot a deer from inside your house.
The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy!", "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin'?" (If they respond with the same... they're a redneck too!)
You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
You've ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom.
You clean your nails with a stick.
You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
Your Christmas cards have a copy of your butt included.
People are scared to touch your wife's bathrobe.
Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
You've ever worn shorts to a funeral home.
You think that the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
You've ever been too drunk to fish.
You've ever bought a used cap.
You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
You've ever used a weed eater indoors.
Your momma tore her best dress coon hunting.
You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'
You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off it.
In an effort to watch your cholesterol, you eat Spam Lite.
Your idea of a seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a six pack.
You go to a tupperware party for a haircut.
You've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
Your Junior/Senior Prom had a day care.
The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
Every electrical outlet in your house is a fire hazard.
Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mud flaps.
You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
You fainted when you met Slim Whitman.
You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people".
You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.
You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.
Red Man sends you a Christmas card.
The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind".
You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.
You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance. (Is that a bad mental image or what?)
You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.
You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
Someone in your family says "Cum'n heer an' lookit this afore I flush it."
Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.
You move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it has turned yellow.
You mow your lawn and find a car.
You can spit without opening your mouth.
Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes and a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.
You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.
You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
You can amuse yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".
You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
You've never paid for a haircut.
You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.
You think the Mountain Men in Deliverance were just "misunderstood".
You've ever made change in the offering plate.
The fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year."
You consider a good tan to be the back of of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve...
You own at least 20 baseball hats.
You think a 'cursor' is someone who swears a lot.
You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.
You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank.
Your screen door has no screen.
Your biggest ambition in live is to "git that big ole coon. The one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah Bubba's barn..."
Three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.
Your grandfather completely executes the "pull my finger" trick at the family reunion.
When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can lose them or not.
You have a house that's mobile and five cars that aren't.
You gene pool doesn't have a "deep end."
Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
You have a Hefty bag for a convertible top.
Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
You have the taxidermist's number on speed-dial.
You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.
You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
It's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three of the primary colors.
You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor.
Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job--primer red and primer gray.
The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.
Your momma calls you over to help, cause she has a flat tire...on her house
The ASPCA raids your kitchen.
You have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you can get Grandma a new plug of tobacco.
You can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it.
You celebrate Groundhog Day because you believe in it.
Your kid takes a siphon hose to show-and-tell.
You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.
You fish in your above-ground pool. . . and catch something.
When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your jeans.
Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.
Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.
Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
You're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You".
You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item.
Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center. (Clinton true-life story)
The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection (your insurance man is a redneck too if he pays you for it).
You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately.
You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
Your momma gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
Your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom was flooded.
During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.
You're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.
On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.
Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!"
You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting.
In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?"
Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Play Ball..."
You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.
Your grandmother can correctly execute the sleeper hold.
You've ever held somebody up with a caulk gun.
You have every episode of "Hee Haw" on tape.
Your masseuse uses lard.
Your wife's best shoes have steel toes.
You use your fishing license as a form of I.D.
On stag night, you take a real deer.
You use a 55 Chevy as a guest house.
Your back porch is bigger than your house.
There is more oil in your cap than in your car.
You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
A full-grown ostrich has fewer feathers than your cowboy hat.
An expired license plate means another decoration for your living room wall.
You think Old Yeller is a movie about your brother's tooth.
You watch Little House on the Prairie for decorating tips.
Your secret family recipe is illegal.
Your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.
Your baby's favorite teething ring is the garden hose in the front yard.
Your coat-of-arms features kudzu.
Your sophisticated show-biz cousin is a rodeo clown.
You think people that send out graduation announcements are show-offs.
Your best ashtray is a turtle shell.
Your pocketknife has ever been referred to as Exhibit A.
People hear your car long before they see it.
Your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.
Your satellite dish payment delays buying school clothes for the kids.
Your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.
Your wife has ever burned out an electric razor.
Your birth announcement included the word "rug rat".
You've ever hitchhiked naked,
You're turned on by a woman who can field dress a deer.
You use the O on a stop sign to sight your new rifle.
Your bumper sticker says, "My other car is a combine."
The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
The highlight of your parties is when you flip out your false teeth.
Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.
Taking a dip has nothing to do with water.
You take a fishing pole to Sea World.
The hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.
You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.
You've ever shot somebody over a mall parking space.
Santa Claus refuses to let your kids sit in his lap.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
You think mud rasslin' should be an Olympic sport.
The receptionist checks the rat traps at your place of business.
You list your parole officer as a reference.
There are more fish on your wall than pictures.
Motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.
There are more dishes in your sink than in your cabinets.
You think a turtleneck is a key ingredient in soup.
You've ever stood in line to get your picture taken with a freak of nature.
Your anniversary present was getting the septic tank pumped.
Your local ambulance has a trailer hitch.
You watch cartoons long after your kids get bored.
You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.
You think you are an entrepreneur because of the "Dirt for Sale" sign in the front yard.
You're still scalping tickets after the concert is over.
After making love you ask your date to roll down the window.
"Buck Naked Line Dancing" isn't a videotape, it's "Ladies Night" at the local bar.
Dolly Parton reminds you of the `Grand Tetons'. (of course this is a very sophisticated sophisticated redneck joke...if you laughed...you must be a redneck, only they will get this one.)
Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
Fewer than half of your cars run.
Foreplay consists of slipping off her saddle
Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.
Helping your cousin, Billy-Bob, move into his new place consists of the wheels off his doublewide (in memory of Chris "No House" Skowronski)...
"Honey? Are the lights out? Is the door locked? Is the parking brake set?" is what you hear right before you and your wife/girl make love
If going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes (if you have them) a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
If the fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year,"
It's Easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people".
More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general.
Redman sends you a Christmas card.
Someone in your family says "Cum'n heer an' lookit this afore I flush it."
Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
The primary color of your car is "bondo".
The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.
The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.
The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.
The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
The ASPCA raids yer kitchen The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection (your insurance man is one too if he pays you for it).
The theme song at your high school prom was `Friends in Low Places'
There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.
There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
Three quarters of the clothes you own have LOGOS on them.
When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank!
When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your jeans.
When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can lose them or not.
Ya have to check in the bottom yer shoe for change so ya can get grandma a new plug of tobacco
Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart cause there is a law against it.
Ya celebrate groundhog day (cause ya believe in it!!)
Yer mom calls ya over t'help, cause she has a flat tire...on her house
You know you're a redneck if you wake up with both a black eye and a hickey.
You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item.
You actually made a pyramid of cans in the pale moonlight with Alan Jackson.
You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
You fish in your above-ground pool, especially if you catch something!
You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three of the primary colors.
You idea of talking during sex is "Ain't no cars coming, baby!"
You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
You mow your lawn and find a car.
You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.
You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.
You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".
You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
You consider a good tan to be the back of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve...
You own at least 20 baseball hats.
You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.
You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
You think the Mountain Men in deliverance were just "Misunderstood".
You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'oeuvre.
You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
You think that the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.
You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'
You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.
You have to scratch your sisters name out of the message: "for a good time call . .", because you feel guilty about putting it there...
You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind".
You have 5 cars that are immobile and house that is!
You gene pool doesn't have a "deep end"
You have a Hefty bag for a Car/Truck convertible top.
You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.
You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
You think that safe sex is a padded headboard on the waterbed.
You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.
You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
You have an Elvis Jell-O mold.
You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
You go to a Tupperware party for a haircut.
You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.
You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
You'd rather catch bass than get some (if you can't guess...)
Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job--primer red and primer gray.
Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center. (Clinton true-life story)
Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.
Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
Your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a six-pack.
Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Day care.
Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mud flaps.
Your richest relative invites you over to his new home to help him remove the wheels and skirt.
Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
Your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.
Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass.
Your home has more miles on it than your car.
Your biggest ambition in live is to "git thet big'ole coon. The one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah Your family tree doesn't fork.
Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
Your mother has been involved in a fist fight at a high school sports event.
You've ever financed a tattoo.
You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado
You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
You've been too drunk to fish.
You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor.
You've ever hit a deer with your car... on purpose!
You've ever made change in the offering plate.
You've ever parked a Camaro in a tree.
You've ever used a weed eater indoors.
You've ever used lard in bed.
You're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
YOU'RE PROBABLY A REDNECK IF...
� You've never visited the Oracle Service Humor Archives.
� More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general.
� Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.
� You've ever used lard in bed.
� Your home has more miles on it than your car.
� You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors every time.
� There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
� You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
� Fewer than half of your cars run.
� Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass.
� The primary color of your car is "bondo".
� You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.
� You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
� Your family tree doesn't fork.
� Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
� Your mother has been involved in a fist fight at a high school sports event.
� You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
� The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.
� The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
� Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
� You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
� Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
� The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
� You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
� You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
� You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.
� The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".
� Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
� You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
� Your favorite Christmas present, was a painting on black velvet.
� You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
� The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the hell are you looking at, Shit head?"
� You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
� You think that Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
� The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy!" "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin?" (If they respond with the same... they're rednecks too!)
� You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
� Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
� You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
� You think that the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
� You've been too drunk to fish.
� You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
� You've ever used a Styrofoam indoors.
� You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
� You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'
� You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
� Your richest relative invites you over to his new home to help him remove the wheels and skirt.
� You've ever financed a tattoo.
� Your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a six pack.
� You go to a Tupperware party for a haircut.
� You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
� Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
� Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
� Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Day care.
� The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
� Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
� Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mud flaps.
� You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
� You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
� Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people".
� You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.
� Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
� You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
� You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.
� You have to scratch your sisters name out of the message: "for a good time call . .", because you feel guilty about putting it there...
� Redman sends you a Christmas card.
� You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
� Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
� Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
� Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
� You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind".
� You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.
� You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
� You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
� You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
� You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
� After making love you ask your date to roll down the window.
� The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.
� You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
� Someone in your family says "Cum'n heer an' lookit this afore I flush it."
� Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.
� You mow your lawn and find a car.
� If going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes (if you have them) a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
� You go occasions shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.
� You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.
� You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
� You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
� You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".
� You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
� You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
� There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.
� You think the Mountain Men in deliverance were just "Misunderstood".
� You've ever made change in the offering plate.
� If the fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year,"
� You consider a good tan to be the back of of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve...
� You own at least 20 baseball hats.
� You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.
� You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
� When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank!
� Your biggest ambition in live is to "git thet big'ole coon. The one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah bubba's barn..."
� Three quarters of the clothes you own have LOGOS on them.
� When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol Tobbaco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can lose them or not.
� you have 5 cars that are immobile and house that is!
� You gene pool doesn't have a "deep end"
� "Honey? Are the lights out? Is the door locked? Is the parking brake set?" is what you hear right before you and your wife/girl make love
� Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
� You'd rather catch bass than get some (if you can't guess...)
� You have a Hefty bag for a Car/Truck convertible top.
� Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
� You think that safe sex is a padded headboard on the waterbed.
� You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
� You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
� You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
� You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.
� You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
� Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
� There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
� The theme song at your high school prom was `Friends in Low Places'
� It's Easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
� You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three of the primary colors.
� You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor.
� You idea of talking during sex is "Ain't no cars coming, baby!"
� Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job--primer red and primer gray.
� The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.
� Yer mom calls ya over t'help, cause she has a flat tire...on her house
� The ASPCA raids yer kitchen
� Ya have to check in the bottom yer shoe for change so ya can get grandma a new plug of tobacco
� Foreplay consists of slipping off her saddle
� Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart cause there is a law against it.
� Ya celebrate groundhog day (cause ya believe in it!!)
� You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado
� You fish in your above-ground pool, especially if you catch something!
� When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your jeans.
� Helping your cousin, Billy-Bob, move into his new place consists of the wheels off his doublewide (in memory of Chris "No House" Skowronski)...
� Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.
� You know you're a redneck if you wake up with both a black eye and a hickey.
� Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.
� "Buck Naked Line Dancing" isn't a videotape, it's "Ladies Night" at the local bar.
� Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock
� You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
� You're moved to tears convertible you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You".
� Dolly Parton reminds you of the `Grand Tetons'. (of course this is a very sophisticated sophisticated redneck joke... if you laughed...you must be a redneck, only they will get this one.)
� You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item.
� Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center. (Clinton true-life story)
� The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection (your insurance man is one too if he pays you for it).
� You actually made a pyramid of cans in the pale moonlight with Alan Jackson.
� You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
� You've ever hit a deer with your car... on purpose!
� You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
� Your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
� You've ever parked a Camaro in a tree.
� Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You know you're white trash when....
� You've spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
� You consider a six-pack and a bug zapper quality entertainment.
� Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
� When someone asks to see your I.D. you show your belt buckle.
� Your Junior and Senior Proms had a day care.
� Your mother does not remove the Marlboro Light from her lips before telling the State Patrolman to kiss her ass.
� You've used lard in bed.
� The primary color of your car is "Bondo."
� The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road."
� Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
� Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mud flaps.
� You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
� You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
� Jack Daniel makes your list of "most admired Americans."
� Your wife's hairdo has been ruined by a ceiling fan.
� You see no need for a rest stop because there's an empty milk jug in the car.
� You have a rag for a gas cap.
� Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
� You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side front window of your car.
� You barbecue Spam.
� You often have to scratch your sister's name from the message "For a good time call _______."
� Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
� Red Man Tobacco sends you a Christmas card.
� You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you were at work.
� Your dad walks you to school because you're both in the same grade.
� Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
� You view the upcoming family reunion as a chance to meet girls.
� You prominently display the souvenir you got at Graceland.
� Your house doesn't have curtains, unlike your truck.
� When your front porch collapses, three or more dogs die.
� You've signed a petition to change the national anthem to "Nothing Could Be Finer Than to Be in Carolina."
� You call the boss "Dude."
� You think "Volvo" is part of a woman's anatomy.
� You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
� You've been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
� You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at "The House of Tattoos."
� Your father encouraged you to quit school because Larry had an opening on the lube rack.
� You need an estimate from the barber before you get a haircut.
� After making love you ask your date to roll down the window.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On the 12th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
12 pack of Bud
11 rasslin' tickets
tin of Copenhagen
9 years probation
8 table dancers
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
5 flannel shirts
4 big mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin' dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How to tell if you might be a "high tech redneck"
If your email address ends in ".over.yonder.com"
If you connect to the World Wide Web via a "Down Home Page"
If your laptop has a sticker that says "Protected by Smith and Wesson"
If you've ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a cellular phone.
If your baseball cap read "DEC" instead of "CAT"
If your computer is worth more than all your cars combined
If your wife said "either she or the computer had to go", and you still don't miss her
If you've ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster to set your beer on
If you ever refer to your computer as "Ole Bessy"
If your screen saver is a bit map image of your favorite truck, tractor, or farm animal
If you start all your email with the words "Howdy y'all"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Your Starship Captain just might be a redneck if...
� your shuttle craft has been up on blocks for over a month
� he paints flames and a NRA sticker on the warp nacelles
� you have a shuttle called "Billy Joe Bob"
� he refers to Klingons as "Critters"
� he refers to Photon Torpedoes as "Popguns"
� he has the sensor array repaired with a bent coat hanger and aluminum foil
� he installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section
� he says "Got your ears on, good buddy" instead of "open hailing frequencies"
� he hangs fuzzy dice over the view screen
� he rewires his communicator into his belt buckle
� he keeps a view screen under his command chair and a gun rack above it
� he says "YeeHa!" instead of "Engage"
� he has a hand tooled holster for his phaser
� he insists on calling his executive officer "Bubba"
� he sets the fore phase to reruns of "BassmaBass master � he programs the food replica tor for beer, ribs, and turnip greens
� he paints the starship John Deere green
� he refers to a Pulsar as a "Blue Light Special"
� he refers to the Mutara Nebula as a "swamp"
� his moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale
� he sings "Lucille" instead of "Kathleen"
� his idea of dress uniform is CLEAN bib overalls
� he wears mirrored shades on the Bridge
� his idea of a "gas giant" is that big ol' XO Bubba after a meal of beans and weenies
� he sets phaser to "Cajun"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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updated 03/04/00