Dear Mom and Dad,

It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. You are not to read any further unless you are sitting down, Okay?

Well, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival are pretty well healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital and I now can see almost normally and I only get those sick headaches once a week.

Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump was witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm and he was the one who called the fire department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but its kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven't exactly set the date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show.

Yes, Mom and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the same love and devotion and tender care you gave me as a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am taking daily.

I know you will welcome him into the family with open arms. He is kind, and although not well educated, has ambitions. Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know oft-expressed tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin colour is somewhat darker than ours. I am sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good, too, for I hear that his father is an important gun-bearer in the village in Africa from which he comes.

Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire. I do not have a concussion or a skull fracture, I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I do not have syphilis and there is no colored man in my life. However, I am getting a "D" in history and an "F" in science class and I wanted you to see these marks in their proper perspective.

Your loving daughter,

Mary

Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown. A few days later, as she was driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass.

Admiring the cute woolly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?" The shepherd, always the gentleman, replied, "Of course."

The blonde thought for a moment and for no discernable reason said, "352." This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, amazed and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock."

The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and picked the one that was far cuter and more playful than any of the others. When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?"