Cafe Dartre's Awards for 1998

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The 1998 Cafe Dartre Awards [NM] by , on 1/06/99 at 1:32:21 AM The Chief Financial Officer's Report by , on 1/06/99 at 1:44:04 AM

Cafe Dartre Year End Report I am pleased to report that 1998 was another year of solid growth at Cafe Dartre. Our policy of Total Quality Nonsense (TQN) is clearly reaping substantial benefits for all Cafe residents. The following statistics bear this out. Children were up following births to the AoD's and newcomers jay and sam i am. Weddings also moved higher with this year's Coopmeister- English Teacher nuptials. Following on the heels of last year's Doc Brown-Porsche knot tying, Cafe Dartre claims a preeminent position in virtual bridal showers. Our goal is to leverage this strength into additional cyber-ceremonies in 1999. Libertarianism provided another significant growth sector. The number of threads on this topic were up a very impressive 500% over the previous year. Further, the Libertarian residents themselves were almost solely responsible for the explosive increase in the number of misspellings and grammatical errors seen this year. We can all thank them for a job well done. While we're acknowledging individual achievement, please join me in giving a warm round of applause to Lugnut for almost singlehandedly bringing Cafe Dartre to the forefront in viagra jokes. But our largest expansion by far was in the area of politics. Events in Washington provided rich fodder upon which Cafe residents feasted. Presidential philandering posts were up almost 1000% and impeachment discussions increased by a staggering 2000%. Yet, through it all, we maintained our uncompromising standard of lowbrow humor as evidenced by all of the countless tacky, sophomoric Monica and Bill comments. We can all be proud of these accomplishments. However, this is not a time for complacency. The upcoming senate trial provides an opportunity to keep our momentum going into the new year. In this regard, we have purchased fresh barrels of vitriol for use by all Cafe residents. I regret that there is also some bad news to report. As you all know, we had an unfortunate incident this year with the ASPCA largely caused by politics and SUVs. Threads on these topics led to numerous reports of us beating a dead horse, prompting an investigation by the animal protection group. Although we reached a satisfactory conclusion with the agency this time, Cafe residents are requested to give careful consideration in choosing future thread topics to avoid repeating this ugly episode. In conclusion, while 1998 was a banner year, we cannot afford to rest on our laurels. I urge you all to keep your shoulders to the wheel, your noses to the grindstone and your fingers to the keyboard to make 1999 even better. Happy New Year.

Opening Number by , on 1/06/99 at 1:48:11 AM

*to the tune of "There's No Business Like Show Business

There's no board like the Cafe board 
Like no board I know 
Everything about it draws you 
To post your opinion on something 
You can't deny even if you want to 
So let's all together sing: 



There's no people like Cafe people 
They keep this place aflow 
From the posters who give car advice 
To the ATRers who are mostly nice 
Rant and Ravers ability to entice 
They put their claws in you and won't let go 



The pundits, the flamers, the helpful, the clones 
The 'babes who keep them in line 
To post it doesn't take cojones 
(yes, i know that didn't even rhyme) 
You just have to get a handle--that's your name 
Then you can start throwing some of the same 



Yes, there's no board like Cafe Dartre 
It's heads above other boards 
You can come here when you are feeling mad 
You can come here when you are feeling sad 
Da da da da da da da dada --ad 
On with the awards 
On with the awards!

Must Click by , on 1/06/99 at 1:53:16 AM RAYmond ThOMas Hathaway: "Must click?" Gimme a break. The only thing I "must click" is the mute button on my remote. Or the trigger of the BB gun I use to scare off the neighborhood brats off my lawn. Most of the folks here, I wouldn't click on 'em if they were giving away free pizzas with every click. But hey, that's just me. See ya. [Walks off stage. Long pause, during which loud, furious whispers are clearly audible from backstage. RAY ThOM walks back on.] OK, fine, whatever-- let's just get this over with. The nominees of the "Must Click" award are Library Guy, Nette, and The Hip Bob Rogers. Am I done now? NO? Brother! Come here and get your silly award...... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

LIBRARY GUY

Best Rant by , on 1/06/99 at 2:00:47 AM Buzz Lightyear appears on stage, driving a small electric car. He emerges and walks to the podium. Buzz: Good evening, everyone! Hey, like my car? It's inexpensive, fuel-efficient, and easy on the environment. Pretty neat, huh? You just plug it into a giant battery and.... SUV Lover appears on stage, driving an enormous, exhaust-spewing, fire-engine red Suburban, and plows into Buzz's car, turning it into a small metal pancake. SUVL: Awright! Take that, tree-hugging wacko! Buzz: You greedy, self-righteous road hog! You polluter! SUVL: Sissy! Buzz: Bully! Why, you stinking waste of oxygen, I oughtta....oh, hang on....the nominees for the best rants are This bites by Lugnut, Human Resources by WOE, and Xmas Lights by Tracker...and the winner is.... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

HUMAN RESOURCES BY WOE!

Most Respected by , on 1/06/99 at 2:03:36 AM O.B. Server: It's obvious that this whole bogus awards show is a blatant, self-congratulatory exercise in mutual masturbation by a bunch of no-life loser yuppies, like Buzz Lightyear, Guinevere, Library Guy, and Lord *snort* Jim but nevertheless, I'm pleased and excited to present the award for Most Respected poster to... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

GUINEVERE

Most Helpful by , on 1/06/99 at 2:05:53 AM Town Drunk: Hey, where am I? What's with all the bright lights? Jeez, get me back to my dark hole in the wall saloon! Somebody? Please help me here! I gotta get outa here? Dorothy? Lee? Ratbert? Tom Swift? Oh, good, it's you. I knew if anyone was going to help me, it would be...... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

LEE

Most Creative Handle by , on 1/06/99 at 2:08:28 AM Connie, Carol, Harry, FRANK, Dorothy, Todd, Virginia, Scot, bridget, Chris V, Chris P.: Is this the place to get some creative handles? Ones like our nominees: The Dead Horse, Ken the Coffin Dweller, Mammo the Talking Gluegun, and Vlad the Impala? alfredo: Yeah. I figured it out. All you have to do is put a 'the' then just any nonsensical adjective and object after your name. Like 'alfredo the kissing forearm' or 'Connie the Prancing Lime.' Just go to a dictionary, close your eyes, and pick out two words. Of course, nothing will ever beat our winner... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

MAMMO THE TALKING GLUE GUN

Favorite Curmudgeon by , on 1/06/99 at 2:11:02 AM Anne of Greensprings: Ladies and gentlemen, I think we can all agree that a curmudgeon is simply some poor soul who has not had the benefit of a daily dose of that wholesome and uplifting family cartoon, "The Family Circus." Reading Bil Keene's tiny nuggets of wisdom every day will make even the bitterest soul bloom like a tulip in a greenhouse. So, I hereby present a copy of "Chicken Soup for the Family Circus Soul" to each of our nominees, Bob B., Dave/Mort, Handyone, and RAY ThOMas Hathaway. And to soften the worst of you up even more, the award to...... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

RAYMOND THOMAS HATHAWAY

Mr. er, uh Ms. androgynous by , on 1/06/99 at 2:14:00 AM

BobB: Yah know, Dave/Mort, ah jes can not fo' the life of moi figger out summa these 'ere handles. Are they women folk? Or are they fellers?

Dave/Mort: Why are you asking me?

BobB: Well, you appear to be jes right of Archie Bunker, an' he wuz allays longin' fo' the days when 'goils were goils and men were men....' But ah reckon ah jes' done stuck my bunyoned ole foot in this 'ere big ole mouth of mine agin, didn't I? Ah'm a allays doin' that. You are probbly smart 'nuf feller to figger out who Anne of Greensprings, Convert and Tracker are, huh?

Dave/Mort: Well, actually....most of us had the most trouble with....
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TRACKER

Poster You'd Most Like to Meet Face to Face
by , on 1/06/99 at 2:17:09 AM

Guin: Hey, bluefrog, did you consent to having our names dragged through this awards mess?

bluefrog: As a matter of fact, I didn't.

Guin: So, how much do you think this sam i am and jay are worth? Enough to sue?

bluefrog: Maybe we could meet them. Give us a feel how much we could squeeze out of them.

Guin: Uh, remember who you are talking about. They won't meet anyone face to face. But these people were nominated as the ones we'd most like to meet face to face: Lee, Lord Jim, and Nette.

bluefrog: And the person you'd most like to meet is...
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NETTE

Mr. Congeniality by , on 1/06/99 at 2:19:28 AM

Connie: They say politics brings out the worst in people [yanks Ms. Lois's hair]

Ms. Lois: Well, you get two people on opposite ends of the spectrum, and what do you expect? [digs her fingernails into Connie]

Connie: But there are some guys out there who are still nice to everyone, no matter what. [stomps on Ms. Lois's toes]

Ms. Lois: You mean like Buzz Lightyear, Library Guy, and Mad Man? [trips Connie]

Connie: Yes. And Mr. Congeniality himself is.....

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BUZZ LIGHTYEAR

Ms. Congeniality by , on 1/06/99 at 2:22:33 AM

Handyone: You know, as my dear friend Bill Clinton likes to say, a woman's place is on her knees.

Metal 70s: That's right, Handyone, and that's just how our Ms. Congeniality won her award tonight. Let's open the envelope and find out if that investment in kneepads paid off.

Handyone: Good idea, and may I say you look lovely in that blue Gap dress, Metal 70s?

Metal 70s: Hey, congeniality THIS, Handyone.

Handyone: Yikes! Gotta tell you who is up for this first! Dorothy, Lee, Mary, and Nova Girl......
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NOVA GIRL

Favorite Poster on Comedic Threads by , on 1/06/99 at 2:25:50 AM

Hans Moleman: As representatives of the cartoon world, I feel we are
qualified to present the award for Best Poster on Comedic Topics. Kenny: mmumpmph mggmph

Hans Moleman: Right, Kenny....um, Kenny? KENNY? Those bastards killed Kenny! Does that mean the show is over? No? Okay. Here are the nominees: Bob B, Nette, N.G. Neer, and Town Drunk. Let's see if I can just...get ...this....envelope...out of his jacket...ah, there.......And the winner is...

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NETTE

Favorite Poster on Serious Topic by , on 1/06/99 at 2:28:55 AM

123: Who was the first winner of this award? Who has won the most awards? How many awards are there? Which award has the most words? Who won the award for Best Poster on a Serious Subject? Is it a) Doc Brown b)Dorothy c) Library Guy or d) The Hip Bob Rogers?
Is this the envelope? Is the winner....?

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LIBRARY GUY

Most Sarcastic by , on 1/06/99 at 2:31:19 AM

Lee: You know, when I make my famous pumpkin cranberry tarts, I like to add a little extra spice, just to keep things interesting.

Martha Stewart: You know, Lee, "sarcasm" is the spice of this board, the cilantro that makes all the other ingredients sing, wouldn't you say?

Lee: Cilantro in pumpkin bread? Oh, yeah, THAT'S a good idea!

Martha Stewart: Voila! I rest my case! I doubt Bones, Handyone, Lord Jim, or RAYmond ThOMas Hathaway could have done better. Well, maybe one of them could.......
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RAY THOMAS HATHAWAY

Favorite Greasemonkey by , on 1/06/99 at 2:33:58 AM

Nette: I'm here to hand out the award for "Favorite Greasemonkey".
You know, there have been some great car guys in movies. I'll never forget that hottie Harrison Ford racing down the main drag in "American Graffiti."

Really Big Fan: Hey! Nettie! I'm a hottie!

Nette: Er...yes. And remember Tom Cruise in "Days of Thunder?" Now there was one babe-o-licious car guy.

Really Big Fan: You are soooooo smart. "Babe-o-licious! " Ha! That's rich. You're the bestest.

Nette: The nominess for the Favorite Greasemonkey are CarGuy, Chris V., and Dakota Bill...

Really Big Fan: And me? Me? Me? Is it me? Give me the envelope, Nettie. Give it. Give it. GIVE IT TO ME YOU UNGRATEFUL SLUT. The winner is....
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CHRIS V.


Most Beloved by , on 1/06/99 at 2:36:45 AM
 
Mannix:  Love.   Ya know, in the PI game, "love" is a
word you don't hear much.  Me, I know all about horny businessmen 
looking for a little nooner action, and dirty politicos taking 
advantage of girls young enough to be their daughters -- and you all
know who I'm talkin' about here, a certain D.C. bottom feeder named 
Billy Bob -- but love?  Love don't mean diddly in my line of work.
Miss Manners: Mr. Mannix, I must tell you that your opinions on 
this subject are not germane, although your passion is quite
.....stirring.  Simply open the envelope and read the contents.
Mannix:  Ya know, sis, for an old broad, you got some damn fine gams on you.
Miss Manners:  I shall respond with a simple "thank 
you," since this is not the appropriate venue for an 
assignation.  However, I would be delighted to meet with you
privately after the show.
Mannix:  You got it babe.  You, me, a three-inch-thick hunk of 
steak, and a tumbler of Black Label.  Hey, ya know....maybe there's
something to this "love" crap after all.
Miss Manners:  I concur, sir.  The nominees for Most Beloved are 
Lee, Mary, and Mrs. AoD.
Mannix: And the winner is.....

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LEE








Best Beginning Post by , on 1/06/99 at 2:39:07 AM
Duck: Why did the Chicken cross the road?
The Chicken: So I wouldn't have to compete with the
nominees for Best Beginning Post: 10 things by Buzz Lightyear 
....History of Cafe Dartre by N. G. Neer....The Hospital Nun by
Library Guy.....Trial of Skippy by Skippy the Chimp
Duck: Good reason. The winner is.....

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HISTORY OF CAFE DARTRE BY N. G. NEER






 

Best Continuity Post by , on 1/06/99 at 2:41:46 AM 
The Dead Horse:  Jeeze, this awards ceremony has dragged
out longer than the Free Will Debate.  I've seen gun control rants
that were shorter.  I'm dead, already!  Will someone for God's sake
start talking about SUVs?  Anything!  How about drug legalization?
People who drive too slow in the fast lane?  Please?
[Library Guy enters.]
Library Guy:  Sorry about this, Dead Horse, but they've
asked me to check on something.  Now listen -- I work in a hospital,
so I've gotten pretty good at this.  Just relax, this won't hurt a
bit.
[Library Guy walks around behind the Dead Horse and peers underneath. 
He looks up at the audience and nods wisely, eyebrows raised.]
Library Guy:  Well, that settles THAT question.  And now to settle
an even more burning question: which of these wins the award for best
Continuity Post: Captain's Log, Chicken Thread, Elf Letters, or Jeff
N. Thread? The winner is.......

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CHICKEN THREAD






Closing Number by , on 1/06/99 at 2:44:48 AM
 
*to the tune of Bob Hope's 'Thanks For the Memories*




Thanks for the memories

Of threads about chickens,

Of SUVs and Dickens

Of free will and Prez. Bill 

'Til the Dead Horse, he sickens




How lovely it was




Thanks for the memories

For filling up the work day

By sneaking away to play

To read a post from coast to coast

Add our two cents, we really don't mean to stay




How lovely it was




Thanks for the memories

For filling up the night

By picking a cheap fight

Or asking for some help

On a subject to shed some light




How lovely it was




Thanks for the memories

There were lots we endured

Into clones' hands we were lured

But John the Cyberbabe 

took care of them for sure




How lucky it was




Thanks for the memories

Of babies being born

Of jokes rife with corn

And lastly of some denziens

who toot their own horn




How fun it was!








Credits by , on 1/06/99 at 2:45:37 AM

Year End Report: written by N.G. Neer
Presentation of Awards: written by Nette and sam i am
Songs: written by sam i am 






 

WAIT! We forgot one! Funniest by a very red faced , on 1/06/99 at 10:59:22 AM 

Preston:  Hi!  Let's say three Cafe Darte posters are all
going in the same direction at once, and Poster Number One is going 
50 miles an hour and driving an Audi, and Poster Number 2 is going 80
miles an hour and driving a Porsche, and Poster Number Three is going
100 miles an hour and driving a Ferrari.  Oh.  Wait, did I mention 
Number One is in Pacific Standard Time, and other two are both
wearing bow ties?  And you'll probably need to know that only two of
them speak Basque.  OK...so which one would win the Funniest Poster
Award?  Anyone?  Show of hands?  Aw, forget it, let's just
open the envelope and find out.  The winner is....

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NETTE


Noteworthy Threads





Cafe Dartre Archives Home Page



"The Car Talk" Home Page



The Compleat History of Cafe Dartre
By "N. G. Neer"


The Notorious Chicken Thread
Why did the chicken cross the road?


Letters from  Santa's Elves


Audience Response to the Cafe Dartre Awards


Entertainment Today Covers the Darties!
  













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