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(Yes, I know the record's broken but this is still good for a chuckle)


by David Nielsen, Scripps Howard News Service 

 Don't erase Roger Maris' name from the record books just yet. Mark
 McGwire could hit three home runs in his first three at bats Friday,
 but then again ... here's one scenario for the last 23 games: 

Sept. 4 -- McGwire plunked on forearm by fastball in 1st inning
 _ ball bounces into left field for a double. Eddie Gaedel-sized-welt
 appears; McGwire misses rest of series. 

Sept. 7 -- McGwire hits a colossal shot, but passes Brian Jordan on
 the basepath as Jordan stops to watch the ball clang off the Gateway
 Arch. Home run disallowed by umpire Sam Holbrook. 

Sept. 8 -- Reporter finds bottle of cod liver oil in McGwire's locker
 before game. Distracted by Nightline and 60 Minutes camera crews,
 McGwire goes 0-for-3. 

Sept. 9 -- Cincinnati pitchers intentionally walk McGwire four times. 

Sept. 10 -- Rather than take a seventh consecutive intentional walk,
 McGwire reaches out and pokes an opposite field home run into upper
 deck of Cinergy Field. Umpire Sam Holbrook calls McGwire out for
 stepping out of the box. McGwire erupts and gets tossed. 

Sept. 11 -- McGwire apologizes to his fans for bad behavior. Says
 there will be no more outbursts. Smiles as he walks four more times
 against Randy Johnson. 

Sept. 12 -- McGwire hits a towering ball toward Astrodome bleachers,
 but Jeffery Maier leans over wall and snatches ball out of Moises
 Alou's glove. Umpire Sam Holbrook disallows home run. McGwire and
 manager Tony La Russa kicked out. 

Sept. 13 -- Reporter finds bottle of Coke in McGwire's locker.
 Nightline examines use of caffeine by players. Jittery McGwire
 strikes out four times. 

Sept. 14 -- McGwire hits home runs in first three at bats of Game 1
 of doubleheader. Torrential rains start in 4th inning. Mississippi
 River threatens to overflow Busch Stadium. Both games of
 doubleheader canceled. Home runs disallowed. 

Sept. 15 -- McGwire eats his first-ever Big Mac before the game as
 part of a promotional stunt. McGwire becomes ill, leaves game after
 1st inning and blames McDonald's. 

Sept. 16 -- McGwire hits a majestic shot, but it nails a flying
 cardinal. Bird and ball drop safely into Jose Guillen's glove.
 
Sept. 18 -- McGwire eats 10 brats at Milwaukee's County Stadium
 before game. In top of first, he gets sick and leaves game, blaming
 McDonald's. 

Sept. 19 -- McDonald's sues McGwire. Enraged, McGwire hits monstrous
 shot that punctures hole in McDonald's blimp. Blimp and ball land
 safely in Jeromy Burnitz's glove. 

Sept. 20 -- McGwire batting practice homer dislodges crane from
 Miller Park construction site. Crane crashes through County Stadium
 bleachers. Game cancelled. 

Sept. 22 -- McGwire crushes ball that breaks the Big Mac Land sign
 in Busch Stadium. Home run is disallowed because time was called by
 umpire Sam Holbrook after he bent over to pick up an errant Quarter
 Pounder wrapper. McGwire, La Russa and Cardinals' grounds crew get
 ejected. 

Sept. 23 -- McDonald's lawsuit dropped when McGwire admits to liking
 America's Favorite Fries. McGwire slams 60th home run that narrowly
 misses riverboat. 

Sept. 24 -- McGwire hits towering fly ball to gap, Expos' outfielders
 Vladimir Guerrero and Terry Jones collide. McGwire tries to leg out
 inside-the-park homer, but runs over befuddled third base coach Rene
 Lachemann. McGwire called out for interference by umpire Sam
 Holbrook. Fans storm the field. Game forfeited. 

Sept. 25 -- McGwire hits a moon shot down left field line that lands
 on roof of the Trans World Dome. Ball is called foul by umpire Sam
 Holbrook. McGwire, La Russa, Lachemann and statue of Gussie Busch
 ejected. 

Sept. 26 -- Reporter finds bottle of Pepto Bismol in McGwire's
 locker. McGwire dumps it on reporter's head, then gets ill and
 leaves game in first inning. 

Sept. 27 -- McGwire hits home run No. 61 in last at bat -- pulling
 within three of Sammy Sosa. 

(Distributed by Scripps Howard News Service.)