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What Bart Writes on the Chalkboard

(These are the things that Bart has written on the 
chalkboard at the start of the Simpsons)


-I will not waste chalk
-I will not aim for the head
-I will not skate board in the halls
-I will not barf unless I’m sick
-I will not burp in class
-I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty
-I will not instigate revolution
-I saw nothin unusuall in the teachers lounge
-I will not conduct my own fire drills
-I did not see Elvis
-I will return the seeing-eye dog
-Funny noises are not funny
-I will not call my teacher "hot cakes"
-I will not snap bras
-Garlic gum is not funny
-I will not fake seizures
-They are laughing at me, not with me
-This punishment is not boring or meaningless
-I will not yell "fire" in a crowded classroom
-My name is not Dr. Death
-I will not encourage others to fly
-I will not defame New Orleans
-I will not fake my way through life
-I will not prescribe medication
-Tar is not a plaything
-I will not bury the new kid
-I will not Xerox my butt
-I will not teach others to fly
-It’s potato, not potatoe
-I will not bring sheep to class
-I will not trade pants with others
-A burp is not and answer
-The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy
-I am not a 32 year old woman
-Spitwords are not free speech
-I will finish what I start
-All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy
-I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause
-I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers
-My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man
-I will not send lard through the mail
-I will not use abbrev.
-Indian burns are not our cultural heritage
-There are plenty of businesses like show bussiness
-I will not disect things unless intructed
-I will not celebrate meaningless milestones
-I will not strut around like I own the place
-I am not a lean mean spitting machine
-The pledge of allegiance does not end with hail Satan
-I will not whittle hall passes out of soap
-Wedgies are unhealthy for children and other living things
-I am not certified to remove asbetos
-"Bagman" is not a legitimate carrer choice
-I will remember to take my medication
-The boy’s room is not a water park
-"Bewitched" does not promote stanism
-The first ammendment does not cover burping
-Cursive writing does not mean what I think it does
-Teacher is not a leper
-I will not do that thing with my tongue
-Cofee is not for kids
-I will not drive the principal’s car
-I will not eat things for money
-I will not pledge allegiance to Bart
-I will not yell "she’s dead" during roll call
-I will not sell school property
-The principal’s tupee is not a frisbee
-I will not cut corners
-I will not squeak chalk
-I do not have diplomatic immunity
-I will not charge admission to the bathroom
-I will not get very far with this attitude
-Goldfish don’t bounce
-I will not make flatulent noises in class
-Mud is not one of the 4 food groups
-I will not belch the national anthem
-No one is interested in my underpants
-I will not sell land in Florida
-I will not sell miracle cures
-I will not grease the monkey bars
-Underwear should be worn on the inside
-I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendement
-The Christmas pageant does not stink
-I wll not do anything bad ever again
-I will not torment the emmotionally frail
-I will not show off
-I will not call the principal "spud head"
-I will not carve gods
-I will not sleep through my education
-I will not spank others
-I am not a dentist
-I will not bribe principal Skinner
-Nobody like sunburn slappers
-"Bart Bucks" is not legal tender
-High explosives and school don’t mix
-Hamsters cannot fly
-I will not go near the kindergarden turtle
-I am not deliciously saucy
-Organ transplants are best left for the professionals
-Five days is not to long to wait for a gun
-Adding "just kidding" does not make it alright to insult
 the principal
-I will not hang donuts on my person
-No one wants to hear my armpits
-I will not mock Mrs.Dumbface
-Next time it could be me on the scaffolding
-The good humour man can only be pushed so far
-I will stop talking about the twelve inch paintist
-I do not have power of attorney over first graders
-I am not the reincarnation of Sammy Davis Jr.
-I will not retransmit whithout the express permission of
 major league baseball
-Beans are neither fruit nor musical
-Nerve gas is not a toy
-Ralph won’t morph if you squeeze him hard enough

Bart's Prank Call

"Uh, Amanda Huggenkiss?" "Hey, I'm looking for Amanda Huggenkiss! Ah, why can't I find Amanda Huggenkiss? Barney: "Maybe your standards are too high!" "You little S.O.B.! Why, when I find out who you are, I'm going to shove a sausage down your throat and stick starving dogs in your butt!"

"Uh, is I.P. Freely here?" "Hey, everybody, I.P. Freely! Wait a minute... Listen to me you lousy bum.When I get a hold of you, you're dead. I swear I'm gonna slice your heart in half!"

"Uh, Jacques Strap!" "Hey guys, I'm looking for a Jacques Strap! Oh, wait a minute...Jacques Strap? It's you isn't it ya cowardly little runt? When I get a hold of you, I'm gonna gut you like a fish and drink your blood!"

"Hey, is there a Seymour Butz "Seymour Butz? here? " Hey, everybody, I wanna Seymour Butz! Oh, wait a minute... Listen, you little scum-sucking pus-bucket! When I get my hands on you, I'm gonna put out your eyeballs with a corkscrew!"

"Mike Rotch!" "Mike Rotch! Hey, has anybody seen Mike Rotch lately? Listen to me, you little puke.One of these days, I'm going to catch you, and I'm going to carve my name on your back with an ice pick!"

"Ivana Tinkle?" "Ivana Tankle? All right, everybody, put down your glasses, Ivana Tinkle!"

"Oliver Clothesoff!" "Call for Oliver Clothesoff! Listen, you lousy bum, if I ever get a hold of you, I swear I'll cut your belly open!"

"Oh, so, you're looking for a Mr. Smithers, eh? First name Wayland, is it? Listen to me, you; when I catch you, I'm gonna pull out your eyes and stick 'em down your pants, so you can watch me kick the crap outta you, okay? Then I'm gonna use your tongue to paint my boat!"

"Eura Snotball?" "What? How dare you! If I find out who this is, I'll staple a flag to your butt and mail you to Iran!"

"Uh, hey, everybody! I'm a stupid moron with an ugly face and big butt and my butt smells and I like to kiss my own butt! Oh, wait a minute..."

"Bea O'Problem!" " Bea O'Problem! Come on, guys, do I have a Bea O'Problem here? Oh...it's you, isn't it? Listen, you. When I get a hold of you, I'm going to use your head for a bucket and paint my house with your brains!"

Remember to send me your comments and suggestions to Command central at:

arnoldw@cadvision.com