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                              -Jerry Seinfeld

1) A boy at an amusements park found a jar of nuts that someone had
 trown away. So he picked them up and started eating them. After he
 had finished an old lady came up to him and said: "Oh I’m glad you
 found my nuts. I don’t have any teeth so I can only suck the
 chocolate off of them."


2) The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing
 it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, 
 decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor
 that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that
 day.

As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed
 out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he
 knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his Parish.
 Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday
 morning and everyone else was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking
 down, from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him
 get away with this, are you?" The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I
 guess not."

Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the
 pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole.
 IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!

St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did
 you let him do that?"

The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"



The following Jokes are from the Calder.net mailling list:


3) DEAR ABBY:  I have always wanted to have my family history traced,
but I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any
suggestions? -- SAM IN CAL
DEAR Sam:  Yes, Run for public office.

4) DEAR ABBY:  I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has
been on the pill for two years.  It's getting expensive and I think
my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well
enough to discuss money with him.


5) A confused nine year old boy goes up to his mother and asks, "Is
God male or female?" After thinking for a moment, his mother
responds, "Well, God is both male and female." This confuses the
little boy so he asks, "Is God black or white?" "Well, God is both
black and white." At this, the boy's face lights up with
understanding and he triumphantly asks, "Is God Michael Jackson?"



The following Jokes are from the  Laugh-A-Lot mailling list:


6) The nun asks the class what they want to be when they grow and
 goes around the room. She gets the usual answers, a doctor, a
 fireman, etc... 
 Then she gets to little Nancy:
        Nancy: When I grow up I would like to be a prostitute.
        Nun: A *WHAT*!?
        Nancy: a PROSTITUTE.
The nun sinks into her chair, visibly shaken, and mutters "What a
relief, I thought she said a protestant!"


7) A lawyer charged a man $500 for given legal services.  The client 
 paid him in cash with five crisp new $100 bills.  After the client
 left, the lawyer was smelling the money when he discovered that two
 bills had stuck together -- he'd been overpaid by $100! 

    This posed an ethical dilemma for the lawyer: Was he obligated
 to share the extra $100 with his partner?