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Everybody loves to sneak a peek into other people's private spaces. It's the voyeur in us. We get a thrill out of something personal. Things not meant for our consumption. Even if it's just a grocery list.
Well now you can get your fill of others' private business, get your sticky fingers all over someone else's potatoes. Get privy to snips of conversation. Even drop in on some of my own conversations. I don't mind. I'm kind of an exhibitionist that way. The following are, unlike some interviews I have conducted, completely genuine. Please don't get offended, I really fucking hate that.
Some email threads:
went to black's yesterday and got nekked and tanned all over! wanna go some time this week right after work? how 'bout thursday after out lunch party? or friday after the staff picnic? they moved the nude beach boundary further north, but i still think it's cool to go nekked by the mushroom house, since the jeep patrols can't really catch you once they reach the rocks by the tidepools.
yup for a trip to Black's this afternoon? (chicken!)
much as I’d like to strip down naked and frolic in the ocean with you, I’m afraid I’ve made plans to play with the ponies after work.
i'd like to strip down naked and frolic on the ponies this afternoon too. i'll take that vote of confidence as a rain-check, and look forward to skinnydipping with you at black's another time soon, oh brave beauty! have a horny weekend.
are you going to send me a transcript of my story? i don't have the edited draft
sure, here it is. sorry, didn't think you needed it to think of headlines.
Thanks. I don't. It obviously has headlines. What is it exactly YOU do for the institution?
i keep disgruntled writers mildly entertained by sending them absurd and witty if sometimes asinine emails.
and when that doesn't work anymore?
then i pretend like i'm someday going to go skinny dipping with them.
and when that fateful day arrives?
no, see, by definition, "pretend" means not based in reality.
can you say "pricktease"?
the pricks should be weary of taking sarcasm at face value.
come again? (or just breathing hard?) i wonder if there's any such thing as a cunt-tease?
there is, but it's very rare. that's because women aren't as easy as men.
you can't just say "dick" to a woman and make her horny.
on the other hand... pussy.
nipples.
clit.
cunnilingus.
finger-fuck.
sliding in and out of a hot wet pussy.
you're dangerously good at this. do you think you could repeat that in a soft voice with your lips just touching my earlobes? down boy!
Anyway, you wrote a brutal letter - you can be harsh at times. I have developed a "she is pretty cool...hmmm..." for you, and what that means is if you were in Walla Walla, I'd ask you on a date. We'd end up talking about God and having outdoor sex (did you know that Saturday was national outdoor sex day?) well, it was. Okay - not till the 15th date. We'd at least talk about it. Speaking of sexy asian male friends to make me jealous and rile me up and start thinking of ways to impress you and scouring the net for your address so that I can send you flowers and candy and locks of hair and toe nail clippings... You're pretty good at these games.
Perhaps you are white, ugly and limp. Perhaps a friend of yours helps you compose these emails (except the last one before the nice HAM shot) WOW! I'm being sensitive aren't I. You'll never understand how I operate so let me say this "I become infatuated pretty easy" Right now I'm a little...repeat....a little infatuated with you so be worried. It's not that bad, just the truth. You're cute and full of wit. And, in San Diego which lessons [sic] the stalking potential.
i am neither white, ugly, nor limp. i am offended that you would suggest that someone helps me compose these emails. perhaps you are subconsciously describing yourself.
you might as well know now that yes i can be harsh. but i can also be incredibly loving and supportive. if the cunnilingus is good. if i were in walla walla i would accept your date. i'd pick you up in my new car just so you could sit in it and smell it and think about making out with me in it. and i'd stare into your eyes with that 'you know you want to' look that's really more of a 4th date kind of look. only you would mistake it for the look of a crazed stalker and run away posthaste. so it's better that we don't live in the same town.
i know you write these emails, that remark was out of love/hate. a twist would be that i wrote it thinking that you are too good to be true! think positive jennifer: p - o - s - i - t - i - v - e
I'll share whatever you ask, within reason. Nothing to hide. I won't give you the low down on my secret fantasies with papa smurf, most everything else is fair game. To answer your intruding question, I liked it a lot. Very nice and moist, unlike the masturbation I was used to. I really like sex, and unfortunately I think I've turned into a typical horny male pig. I used to poke fun of people always talking about breasts, kissing, vaginas (pussy is what they would say, but they are dirty little boys) sex, girls, etc. Now that I'm a horn dog, I understand. Although, I don't talk about it...not sure why, I just don't. UNLESS people ask. So, yes I liked it and I want more! The orgasm part is a bit overrated...I mean, I really like it but personally, creating multiple orgasms for my partner is much more fun for me. Now, I'm not trying to impress you or anything like that...but, I'm a really bad ass sex machine daddy. Hubris? Maybe. I can go on and on about all of this, but that would be rude and offensive, and might even seem like cybersex, which doesn't appeal to me.
so, how many boys have you kissed? are you one of those forward types who gets what you want? or, are you shy and timid, waiting for the men. i'd say your forward and confident, but i know very little about women except that they are mean and make no sense. do you have a big butt? did you major in english? do you speak/write chinese? how often do you go to mexico? why so many roommates, are you part of a sect? commune?
how do you know you're a bad ass sex machine daddy if you've only had sex with one woman? isn't that the sort of thing that requires a consensus? i think it's cool that you've only had sex with one woman. (was she also a virgin?) sex is gravy to a good relationship. there's nothing emptier or more unsatisfying than meaningless sex. but you should try to have more relationships. it's the only way you learn. it's the only way you find out what you want. well, since you've been so upfront about your sexual experiences i suppose i should reciprocate. no, i am not a hussy. i don't do one night stands. i'm a long-term kinda gal. i love men. i really do. i love watching them. i have lustful thoughts. i can be very flirtatious. but when i'm with someone i care about i could never think about anyone else.
i've kissed many boys. i have been known to be forward. right now i am shy. i am not used to being single yet. but getting bolder every day. i have been known to be mean, and it is at this point that i know the relationship is destined to end. soon. my heart has been broken once. i'm still not over it. i've been in love three times. it got better every time. my butt is proportional, but definitely grabable. i majored in english and american literature. minored in nothing (underachiever). i speak a little chinese, understand a little more, write none. i live about 25 minutes from the border and probably cross it once a year. i'll tell you about tijuana some time if you're really interested. i have so many roommates because we are part of a cult. we worship tom, our fearless leader. we grow broccoli and sweet peas in our backyard. we play strip canasta while waiting for the mother ship to come take us away. i love to wear purple shrouds and nikes.
my cult worships tom buckalew, a short bald man with a big, big truck. he lives in our commune. he is very mysterious. he slips in and out of the house without any of us noticing. he talks in his sleep. we write it all down, because it might be important information as to when the mother ship is coming. sometimes he takes us out on his boat and shows us how he catches fish with his bare hands.
i'm not really scary at all. at least, that's what my last boyfriend said before he chewed his foot off at the ankle to escape the shackles i placed on him. they just don't understand... it's for their own good. oh well, if that's the way you want it i suppose i'll have to respect your wishes. no sex until our 15th date.
your new profile is terrible! no wonder you have not received responses. you might as well say, "i wear a black trenchcoat and am a little maladjusted. guns are cool."
>>TITLE: prefer hippy intellectuals but you never know
ok, this is too exclusionary. i know you have the disclaimer there but you're gonna lose a lot of people right away. as an alternative, how about, "i don't mind if you don't shave your armpits, as long as you're intelligent?"
>>chew your fingernails? i do.
this is not the kind of thing you want to admit until about the 6th email, which is fine that you've revealed it to me now. cuz i'm already hooked. but had i known BEFORE that you were a nail biter... things might've been different for us. nail biters are mostly creepy insecure people that have lots of skeletons in their closets.
>>i'm getting over a relationship with my soulmate so be careful, i may scream, rant and/or cry.
ok, it's good that you're being honest about the fact that you are still a bit fragile on the relationship front. but you don't need to reveal that she was your soulmate. it's a little off-putting. also, the bit about screaming and such makes it apparent that anyone coming on the heels of this relationship is most likely going to be a rebound. may i suggest: "i'm still working through the emotions of a year long relationship, so we should have at least 15 dates before engaging in sex."
>> - yum.
did you steal this from me?
>>unfortunately i'm still hung up on looks, so if you're
>>ugly - we can't date are make babies.
again, the honest is nice, but may be a bit more than is called for at this point. references to baby making at this early stage are frowned upon.
>>but promise, no stalking - okay?
to the untrained ear this sounds very egotistical. like you're so hot that one look at your pic sends women into a stalking frenzy. like even just your photographic image exudes crazy animal pheremones that drive women wild. like women get wet looking at you.
you know, just cuz that was my reaction doesn't mean you can extrapolate to the whole of women's experiences.
>> - yum.
> did you steal this from me?
Yes.
TITLE: "I don't mind if you don't shave your armpits, as long as you're intelligent"
- i like it! should attract many more unsuspecting women to my profile. i'll be having sex in no time! YES!!!
BODY: "i'm still working through the emotions of a year long relationship, so we should have at least 15 dates before engaging in sex." - great. much better.
That's all I have so far, thanks. I'll need more and i give you full reign over my destiny. i don't like ugly girls or fat ones either, how would i say that? also, i like intellectual hippy girls but the ones that i described above. i do prefer shaved arm pits, that's for sure. legs too. well, regarding legs...having some hair is fine, just not all the time. hmmm... maybe hippy isn't the correct or best term to use here. it's okay, i have you to suggest another. you're simply the best!
>like women get wet looking at you.
> you know, just cuz that was my reaction
WOW! you didn't tell me about that. i'd like more details please, thank you.
Copyright 10/99 Jennifer Chung.
All rights reserved.
Can I copyright this?