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By Chris Murphy
[Music: Opening Theme]
Announcer: As your life filters through your head, so does water get filtered through... Coffee Grinds.
[Music: Dramatic swaying theme]
Announcer: You remember last time, when Barbara told Jess that her new boyfriend, Bill had just broken up with her, and how Jess thought that now maybe HE would have a chance to make a move on her. Of course you don't. You didn't even GET to hear the last episode because our writers are never on schedule. Oh, I'll ask you if you heard this or remember that, but will it make any sense? Of course not, but you'll still listen , anyway. Oh yes, because you're an addict. So, Coffee achiever, enjoy your fifth cup of joe as we catch you up on some of the past servings of, Coffee Grinds...
[Sound: City sounds, driving cars, people walking around]
Announcer: In a previous episode, Lana had just told Barbara that Tony, Lana's older brother, had escaped from prison.
[Music: Dramatic chords]
Lana: Barbara, my older brother, Tony, just escaped from prison...
[Music: Dramatic chords]
Barbara: Just escaped from prison?
[Music: Dramatic chords]
Lana: Yes, he just escaped.
[Music: Dramatic chords]
Barbara: From prison...
[Music: Dramatic Chords]
Lana: Yes.
[Music: Dramatic Chords]
Announcer: Well, what do you think happened after that? Well! I'll tell you. In the next episode, Blake, had just returned from his sabbatical in Puerto Rico, and explained to Linda the strange occurrence that happened to him during his stay.
[Music: Dramatic chord]
Linda: That's so.. strange...
[Music: Dramatic chords]
Blake: Isn't it? I just thought it was so strange I had to tell someone.
Linda: Yes well -
[Music: Dramatic chords cuts into Linda's speaking]
Linda: Oh, sorry.. ... ..Yes, well, it is definitely strange..
Blake: I agr-.. oops..
[Music: Dramatic chords]
Blake: I agree, the strangest thing that ever happened in my entire life.
Announcer: Well! Short -
[Music: (Interrupts Announcer almost defiantly) Dramatic chords]
Announcer: (coughs and clears throat) Well, shortly after that, the buzz around the kitchen, for those of us who knew what was going on without the scripts, was what Jacob had told Bill and Margaret about his leaving the company.
[Music: Dramatic chord]
Jacob: Huh?.. wait, that's not the right music for this scene..
[Music: Dramatic chord sounds like the record is scraped across with the needle and is changed to sad music]
Jacob: (aside) that's better. (Aloud) Yes, I am leaving the company.
Margaret: Jacob, leaving the company?
Bill : But why?
Margaret: Yes, Jacob, why?
Jacob: Well, you see...
[Music: Sad music gets louder to the point where Jacob's words are all muffled. We cannot hear his explanation. Suddenly the record gets scraped with the needle and broken and music stops.]
Jacob: ...and I'm afraid that's why...
Bill: Well, we'll all miss you, Jake...
Margaret: Yes, we'll all miss you.
Announcer: And then, there was the company party, where what seemed to be a humorous joke, took a horrible turn.
[Music: Party music]
Barbara: Oh tell that joke, Bob, you know the one about the...
[Music: gets louder so we cannot hear the end of Barbara's sentence]
Bob: Oh, I don't know if I should, Barbara.
Barbara: Oh, come on! It's funny!
Blake: Yeah, tell us, Bob, I don't think I heard this one before.
Voices: (Random phrases) Yeah, c'mon Bob!
Bob: Well, okay, I guess it IS kind of funny.. Okay you see, there was this guy.. and he...
[Music: Party music gets louder again so we cannot hear what Bob is saying. [Sound: Plate smashes; music stops]
Blake: .... Bob, get the hell out of here. Barbara, I need to talk to you..
Announcer: And it wasn't too long after that when, in a subway going cross town, Jack and Blake were saying..
[Sound: Subway train sounds, screeching. It is too loud to hear anything except for Jack saying: What? And after more sounds, Blake shouting: No! With a Pen!]
Announcer: And then there was the romantic boating scene with Barbara and Jack out on the river.
[Sound: a LOUD lightly flowing river. This continues for about a minute]
Announcer: And by the time things were steaming up THERE, something else a little hotter was happening in a bedroom with Blake and Lana!
[Sound: An Air conditioner blowing for 20 seconds]
Announcer: Oh, and I almost forgot to mention the fight that broke out in the local bar, when Tony confronted Ted about his part in Tony's frame-up.
[Sound: Fist fight ending with a horse whinnying and a "Hi Ho, Silllverr!"]
Announcer: Oh, you really shouldn't have missed that one. Or the episode where Jane and Randall had a heart to heart talk? Let's listen in, shall we?
Randall: Jane?
[Sound: a triangle chime]
Jane: Yes, Randall?
[Sound: A kazoo sound]
Randall: I'm glad we got to talk.
[Sound: A cow moos]
Jane: Yes, me, too.
[Sound: A sheep "baa"ing]
Randall: Let's do it again, real soon, okay?
[Sound: A foghorn]
Jane: Oh, yes, Randall... [Sound: a chainsaw]
Jane: ...I would love that.
[Sound: Daffy Duck says," Youu'reee dithhpicable!!"]
Randall: Me, too...
[Sound: A baby burps then sighs " Ahhaaa.."]
Randall: ...Gosh, Jane...
[Sound: A man yelling as he falls down a tunnel "Whaaahooooheeee!"]
Randall: ...Your neat...
Jane: (Outraged) Neat!?
[Sounds: Crashing plates and windows for next lines]
Jane: (still outraged) You little [editing beep]! How did I get stuck with a [editing beep] twerp like YOU as a boyfriend!? I must be out of my [editing beep] mind! Now get yer [editing beep] out of my [editing beep] apartment!
Randall: But Jane!
Jane: WHAT?!
Randall: This is my apartment...
Jane: (quiet) Oh.. sorry..
Randall: (pause) Jane..?
Jane: Yes, Randall?
Randall: [editing beep] yourself..
[Sound: A gun fires, there is a loud cheering like from a sporting event]
[Music: End theme swells up and then tones down to background music]
Announcer: Well! And that bring you up to date on our little play, here. Confidentially, though, I might as well tell you that next episode is pretty exciting, too! I mean when Barbara...
[Music: End theme swells to where we cannot hear Announcer anymore, then tones down again so we can hear..]
Announcer: SO, tune in next time, for that fresh cup you look forward to every morning and then wash out every evening.. of.. Coffee Grinds...
[Music: End theme swells, a mix of gunfire, needle scraping across a record and Daffy's "Youu'reee Dithhpicable!" suddenly ends it.]
Copyright 10/99 Chris Murphy.
All rights reserved.