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In the lane, snow is glistening'. It's yellow, NOT white - I've been there tonight, Marking up my winter wonderland. Smell that tree? That's my fragrance. It's a sign for wand'ring vagrants; "Avoid where I pee, it's MY property! Marked up as my winter wonderland." In the meadow Dad will build a snowman, following the classical design. Then I'll lift my leg and let it go Man, So all the world will know it's mine-mine-mine! Straight from me to the fencepost, flows my natural incense boast; "Stay off of my TURF, this small piece of earth, I mark it as my winter wonderland." Forwarded from Alana Sisk - who says forward at will!
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~~ The Official Dog Enthusiast's DON'T List ~~ |
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DON'T let your dog sleep in your bed. It will
cause aggression problems down the road. DON'T make your dog sleep in a crate. Crate is just another word for small cage. DON'T let your dog sleep outside at night. If God had wanted dogs to sleep outside, he would have covered their body with hair to keep them warm. DON'T let your dog sleep. You should be playing with him all the time. DON'T keep more than two dogs. Each individual dog requires considerable time and energy, and it is impossible for a responsible dog owner to spend quality time with more than two dogs. DON'T keep less than five dogs. Dogs are pack animals, and five dogs is the minimum number for proper socialization. DON'T feed your dog kibble. Kibble is the invention of evil capitalists who want your money, and kibble has no nutritional value whatsoever. You might as well feed your dog sawdust. DON'T cook your dog's meat or chicken. Cooking destroys all the nutrients. DON'T feed your dog raw meat or raw chicken. Raw food contains salmonella, e-coli, and other harmful bacteria. DON'T let your dog drink out of a plastic bowl. It will turn his nose pink. DON'T post messages to a dog list. You will surely get bopped on the head for thinking that someone else cares about your silly little opinions. DON'T poke your eye with a sharp stick. It has nothing to do with dogs, but it's a good rule nonetheless. DON'T microchip your dog. A nearby cell phone can cause a microchipped dog to explode, or so says the lady running the tattoo booth. DON'T tattoo your dog on the ear. A dog thief will cut off the tattooed ear. DON'T tattoo your dog on the thigh. He'll be a tripod before you can say Ginsu. DON'T keep a collar on your dog when unattended. He could get caught on something and choke. DON'T leave your dog unattended without a collar. He could run away without any identification. DON'T transport your dog in a plastic crate. Plastic crates don't allow sufficient air flow. DON'T transport your dog in a wire crate. In a car accident, a wire crate transforms into a doggie skewer. On days you plan to have a car accident, it's acceptable to use a plastic crate. DON'T let your dog drive. It's against the law in many states. DON'T enter your dog in conformation. It's b-o-r-i-n-g for the dog. DON'T enter your dog in obedience. It's B-o-r-i-n-g with a capital "B". DON'T enter your dog in agility. The jumps will injure his joints. DON'T send your dog out with a handler. Only a psychopath would send their beloved pet with a complete stranger. DON'T handle your dog yourself. You've got a great dog, and he deserves a much better handler than you will ever be. DON'T get a purebred dog. Too much inbreeding has produced dogs with temperament and health problems. DON'T get a mutt. You don't know anything about their pedigree. In fact, if you're thinking about getting a dog, get a cat instead. DON'T don't. That's right, you heard me, just don't! DON'T leave your dog's dew claws intact. He will rip one off jumping a log or something, which is quite painful. DON'T remove your dog's dewclaws. Dewclaws are acupuncture points that are needed for proper functioning of the kidneys. AND, the #1 DON'T .... DON'T trim your dog's whiskers. Dogs use their whiskers to determine the size of their head, which is important when they are out shopping for a new hat. |
How to Sleep with Dogs and CatsI will address myself mostly to the rules for sleeping with two dogs. For the few who have already mastered this technique, I will later add a cat, although I urge beginners to leave the cat out. TO achieve any sort of success, certain arbitrary conditions must be assumed, the first one being that you must have a king sized bed. There is no point in lying down in anything smaller. While the size of the breed of the dog is not important (people who sleep with dogs know that before the night is over - everybody collects into a pile) the CONDITION of the dogs may be. Some dogs, for example are lumpier. I have selected the two dog minimum because, as we shall see, it is the only way to stay in bed at all. The key work is LEVERAGE. All dogs spend the night pressed tightly against their human bedfellows, but no two dogs ever sleep on the same side. This is in part, an expression of the "Let Sleeping Dogs Lie Principle." It is also to create leverage. Because the human being is always in the middle, held tightly in place by the dogs and by his blanket (which the dogs are sleeping on top of), restlessness and recurring cramps are difficult to handle. Here is the tip: When you first lie down, AND BEFORE THE DOGS SETTLE AGAINST YOU, spread your legs 3 When the time comes to turn over, bring the legs quickly under the now slightly slackened blanket and revolve BEFORE THE DOGS WAKE UP. As soon as you have assumed a new position, allow for those crucial 3 inches again; otherwise, you're a mummy for the rest of the night. NEVER SPREAD THE LEGS MORE THAN 3 INCHES. A dog's favorite place to sleep is in the hollow created by legs too widely spread, and once settled, he and you are frozen into position until morning (there is a way out of this trap, but it is difficult to describe it without slides.) Dogs who prefer to sleep on their backs, MUST BE GIVEN SPACE 3 TIMES THE SPACE THE HEIGHT OF THE DOG AT THE SHOULDER. Dogs who like pillows may be accommodated if you sleep on your side with legs scissored so that each dog has an ankle for a chin rest. Above all, BEWARE OF CURLING! When the curl is reversed, both dogs are dislocated, resulting in low growls on both sides of you.
When you are ready to add a cat, position is all-important. All cats
prefer to
sleep in hollows, but NO CAT WILL SLEEP ON THE SAME SIDE AS A DOG.
Remember, you have only 2 sides. YOU MUST THEREFORE BECOME A
TRIANGLE! Do this by assuming a horizontal diver's crouch, thereby
creating not only 3 more or less exclusive sides but 2 hollows as well.
With one dog at your front, and the other against your back, the cat can
curl
into the hollow at the back of your bent knees, separated from both dogs.
All will then sleep soundly. This entire technique still needs a lot of
refinement. A method that deals with early morning scratching needs to
be developed, as well as theproblem of pretending to sleep while being
closely scrutinized by various animals whose needs need to be solved. |
Why Own a Dog? |
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You can't own just one, for the craving will grow. There's no doubt they're addictive, wherein lies the danger. While living with lots, you'll grow poorer and stranger. One dog is no trouble, and two are so funny. The third one is easy, the fourth one's a honey. The fifth one delightful, the sixth one's a breeze, You find you can live with a houseful with ease. So how 'bout another? Would you really dare? They're really quite easy but oh, Lord the hair! With dogs on the sofa and dogs on the bed, And crates in the kitchen, it's no bother you've said. They're really no trouble, their manners are great. What's just one more dog and just one more crate? The sofa is hairy, the windows are crusty, The floor is all footprints, the furniture dusty. The housekeeping suffers, but what do you care? Who minds a few noseprints and a little more hair? So let's keep a puppy, you can always find room, And a little more time for the dust cloth and broom. There's hardly a limit to the dogs you can add, The thought of a cutback sure makes you sad. Each one is so special, so useful, so funny. The vet, the food bill grows larger, you owe money. Your folks never visit, few friends come to stay, Except other dog folks, who all live the same way. Your lawn has now died, and your shrubs are dead too, But your weekends are busy, you're off with your crew. There's dog food and vitamins, training and shots. And entries and travel and motels which cost lots. Is it worth it, you wonder? Are you caught in a trap? Then that favorite dog comes and climbs in your lap. His look says you're special and you know that you will Keep all of the critters in spite of the bill. Some just for showing and some just to breed. And some just for loving, they all fill a need. But winter's a hassle, the dogs hate it too. But they must have their walks though they're numb and you're blue. Late evening is awful, you scream and you shout At the dogs on the sofa who refuse to go out. The dogs and the dog shows, the travel, the thrills, The work and the worry, the pressure, the bills. The whole thing seems worth it, the dogs are your life. They're charming and funny and offset the strife. Your life-style has changed. Things won't be the same. Yes, those dogs are addictive and so is the dog game!! -Author unknown |
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