Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

George Carlin

*****

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.

Ellen DeGeneris

*****

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

Rita Rudner

*****

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

Carol Leifer

*****

I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people.

Ed Bluestone

*****

The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it.

Jackie Gleason

*****

I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"

Jay Leno

*****

The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.

Roger Simon

*****

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Dave Edison

*****

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

George Gobel

*****

Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.

Billiam Coronel

*****

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

Oscar Wilde

*****

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

A. Whitney Brown

*****

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base.

Dave Barry

*****

Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a member of Congress ... But I repeat myself.

MarkTwain

*****

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

Jim Carrey

*****

My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said, "Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim."

Paula Poundstone

*****

I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's abilityto use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.

Jeff Stilson

*****

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

Sue Murphy

*****

I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else.

Lily Tomlin

*****

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say >> the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?

Rita Rudner

*****

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

Jerry Seinfeld

*****

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner.

Lynda Montgomery

*****

What do people mean when they say the computer went down on me?

Marilyn Pittman

*****

Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, >> but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?

Lily Tomlin

*****

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, >> but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.

Jerry Seinfeld

*****

I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'

Richard Jeni

*****

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