"Not Everything is that Simple and Clean"
Its been almost 2 months since the last he wrote and almost 3 since the last we've talked. Infact, the last we've seen each other was also about 3 months ago...the day of our break-up...the day I said I wanted nothing more to do with him. My life has much since improved and I cant help but notice how much more focused I am. Everything seemed to be going fine and the natural order of things returned to its normal pace...and then yesterday he gets in contact with me...and the world around me slowed down. So much so, I had to give it a bit of a push to remind myself not to stop. To make a long story short, we spoke for hours and he asked to meet up with me. He claims he wont be doing anything for his birthday and says I'd be the perfect gift. *Seems more like the perfect drug if you ask me* Apparently things arent working out as well as he'd like them to and it appears as though he's resorting to me for lack of having something better to do. In any case, for reasonings of it being his birthday, which only happens once every four years, and not to mention, I do miss him, I agreed. However, Im not sure that was the best idea. Infact, if I were giving a friend advice on this situation I'd tell her not to go. But I guess I always was the type to give good advice and yet not take it.

*Hot Chicks Rule*
I saw *this chick* on Valentine's Day weekend and altogether she's given me 6 pairs of jeans that fit perfectly! She really just hooked my wardrobe up. *I like her* Also, we hung out this week-end as well...drove to New York and for the first time I had Japanese Food. I had a nice time and I really like her spontaneity. I mean, how could you not like someone who drives to another state just to get something to eat. And it turns out we have more in common than I thought. We share similar experiences that not too many people can relate too. Personally I think it'd be cool if we hung out more often but I want to wait until I finish school and start making money thats more expendable. I already have ideas of what I'd like to buy her and places we can go. I just hope she's still around for when I get out.

I told her no thanks
Today my 8 year old niece asked me if I wanted to watch a movie with her. She proceeds to tell me its called: "The Color of Friendship" I then told her: "No thanks...I already know what color it is. Black, Red and...wait are tears Blue or Clear? In any case, I suppose the color of tears dont matter when you force them not to show." Ok Ok...I admit I only told her the first line. I think the second and third one would have either confused her or creeped her out. To be honest...half the thoughts I think are either Rated PG or Miscellaneous. Sometimes I blurt out random comments for the hell of it, but often I hold back because I dont want people reading too deeply into them. I have a weird sense of humor and I think they might mistake that for me needing counciling of sorts. Oddly enough, after I simplify whatever I've just said, my niece finds my humor remarkably astounding. *Maybe there's hope for her yet*

Placebo: Pure Morning
Alright so I met this 21 yr. old Korean female who's about my size...maybe 5'4, long dark hair, full lips, chinky eyes, and Americanized...really cool girl. From the moment we were introduced I knew instanty she was feel'in me from first glance. I admit, I had been with a female before but solely for the purpose of being attentive to my boyfriend at that time. So knowing that she wanted me did make me feel bit uncomfortable being that I hadnt been with a girl for purposes of attraction. But overall, I wont deny her beauty or the feeling of my own flattery. I had spent both X-Mas and New Years at her house and before that, Thanks Giving (to which she prepared a wonderful dinner), so I havent known her for that long but it has been a few months. Well anyhow, this weekend she invited me to go to the meadow lands with her and bet on some horses. I went and I actually had a nice time. (She even won every bet she placed). We had a few drinks and went back to her house, talked for a bit, only to later decide to partake in the playing of Truth or Dare Jenga. Well, I wont get into detail about all of what happened, but lets just say if someone were to ask me about having been with a female by personal preference and for my own satisfactions...I'd definitely mention her. I dont mean to boast or anything, but for that being my first Bi encounter...it was hot...and Im glad it was with her. It sucks that I honestly dont remember anything afterwards, when I passed out, but she did manage to get me into some pajamas. *she's nice that way* I woke up the next morning feeling more drunk than ever, which personally I enjoyed, not to mention the smirk I had across my face. *you know the one* ...... *oh yeah you know the one*

Free Me
I left for a few days and didnt tell anyone where I was going. I finally came home today only to be welcomed back with an argument about why the house isnt clean. *Glad I was missed* Its funny because I particulary go out of my way to not eat their food, stay in my room, making no sound, not listening to the radio, nor watching tv, only coming out to occupy the bathroom, and making sure not to touch or dirty anything. Yet still, they will try and find a way to somehow blame me for everything. "Adroit, the house is a mess, its your fault.", "Adroit, my kid is a reck, its your fault!", "Adroit, my boyfriend gave me crabs, its YOUR fault!!!" You know, I really wouldnt be surprised if they told me I was inhailing too much of their oxigen and insisted on giving me a brown paper bag to breathe into. Or hell, why not just put plastic over my face? Put an end to this misery, their's and mine. *Someone Free Me...Hell, Free Us All*

Guns Can Be Useful
Last night I over-heard my brother (the uncle of the boy) giving my nephew a general lecture. Not only that, but my brother doesnt know how to hold back or summarize. A five minute conversation in his mind is actually 5 hours in real time, and for him thats the norm. So you could imagine what kind of hell my nephew was going through. Seeing no signs that this would end, I decide to rescue the kid. I politley intervene and decide to make my brother aware that sometimes less is more.I explained that the boy, just like everyone else, respects him and therefor doesnt interrupt or say whats on his mind. However he shouldnt take that respect for granted. Also my brother tends to view my nephew's father, our other brother who was never there for his children, as a low-life. And with this perception, he dared to compare my nephew to him! Personally, I knew he had crossed the line and I'd be damned if I allowed him to get away with that. So I told him about his self and he then gets pissed off and starts arguing me, making a remark about me being a female needing to learn my place and jesturing as if he could put me there by threatening my life. Of course, I found this statement to be pathetically incongruous, so I essentially told him that only an insecure man would feel threatened by a strong female and that I wouldnt give him the satisfation of supposing I were his rival. Truth be told, he is in no condition worthy of being my nemesis. We engaged in quarrel for some time and when it was finally over, he comes back and shows both my nephew and I a sheet of notebook paper with my name on his "Shit List"...Sama Bin Laden and Saddam Housein taking second and third place. *sigh* Just another day in the life...

Knives Are Pretty
Suddenly I feel alone...very alone.I dont usually have the feeling of longing for my exboyfriend to be around, not even when we were together. And I hated how I felt when I thought about him not being there when I really needed him.I felt like....I dont know....horrible.A kind of horrible I had never experianced.The kind that makes you want to end it all and take a few people with you before you do.Infact, I think the urge of wanting to kill people was simply my inner will trying to stay strong.Otherwise, I would have given up completely. Im not a very emotional person but if I were, I dont think I'd be able to handle this. I dont think most would.Its a rather nauseating feeling and if I didnt know any better, I'd say I were physically sick. On the bright side, I have to say, Im really quite appriciative that everything's happening before I go away to school, that way I can chalk this all up before hand and go there with a clear mind.I cant say Im looking forward to having to start over, but all in all, I cant complain.I suppose its better to show up empty handed than to show up carrying luggage that's just weighing me down.

Just In Case
So Im talking to one of my boys and he tells me he thinks he might be in love with me.I told him that if he really were, he wouldnt have to question it. When I was in love with a guy, I not only knew it, but I was actually proud to tell people.There was no doubt in my mind that it was truth.When asked if I were in love,in all its complicity...the answer was simply yes.We talked for a while and when it was time to let each other go, he said good-night and I said good-bye.He hates when I say that because he knows my reasoning.I said, just in case I should pass-away.He said well if we're saying things for the sake of "just in case" then Will you marry me? I said, are you serious? He said yes. I said well if this were truly the end, then what would be the point? He said, to inform you that I wanted to. (Smile)

Just Chill'in
Yesterday my sister and I went out and didnt get back till 5 in the morning.Through out the whole time I was joking around and she laughed so hard she almost pissed on herself! We dont hang out often but when we do I make sure she has a good time.I know she's going through alot so whenever possible I try my best to get her to sincerely laugh, hopefully non-stop .We ended up paying a visit to my other sister and also to her best friend.We stayed up all night talking and bull-shitting...them drinking coffee,me with my alcohol...it was great.When we finally got home,I chose to stay up a bit later than eveyone else to work on some poetry.I didnt get to sleep till about 7. Over-all I had a nice time and maybe soon we'll do it again one day.

What a Night
Last night I hung out with my nephew.It was his 15th birthday and I was glad to be there.He's really growing up and I truly love watching his progression.Also, one my ex's was there.He ended up getting him dog-tags with his name, adress, and a message inscribed.I thought that was so thoughtful.I have to say, I was proud to see him taking a part of my nephew's life, but I did feel abit akward because we do still have feelings for one another. Not only was he my first boyfriend but he was my first love as well.I found myself trying to overlook the fact that he was there because I wanted to stay focused on the reason I came at all.I ended up staying the night...we indulged in talk about comics and partook in the playing of video games.Overall I had a nice time and more importantly my nephew did too.