Something's Gotta Give
I dont know what's up with me and hanging out with these fucking clueless people. I think its past due time for me to get some new friends. Not only that but once I do obtain others that compliment my well being, Im not sharing them with a single person of the past. Everytime I gain a new friend, I try to introduce them to the rest of the people I know. I get them as comfortable and familiar with me, my friends, and family as possible. But the reason I wont allow this to happen next time is because the very man that I was considering to marry has placed me so distant from certain aspects of his life. Far enough away from his friends and certain family memebers that he was very well capable of cheating on me while I trusted that he was only going for visits to hang out. Not only that but whever I go someone or when something big is occuring, I always make sure to talk to him about it and even ask if he'd like to go. He, on the other hand, will make plans and wont even consider inviting me to certain gatherings. Now, if he needs to go shopping for his mom, oh Im the person to call up. But if he wants to chill at a party, Im the person he tells he'll talk to me after the week-end. The way I see it is "fine". Personally I really think he's not the problem...well not anymore anyway. I broke up with his ass after I found out that during one of these gatherings, he fucked his "ex-girl" and I could care less about the bull-shit he would try to feed me after I told him I wanted to leave. So now we're not together and I have absolutley no problem with that. I just know for next time that I'll keep my friends, family, and personal agenda to myself so if ever I were to go out, he, like me, would have no means of contacting anyone to find out where I was or what I was up to. See, the problem with me is that Im the kind of person that will trust a person until they have given me reason not to. But I think when it comes to finding another man, or even if I should ever become close with this guy again, Im definitely going to be on my toes. Simply because Im tired of giving 110 % when I'll be lucky if I recieve 50. But anyway, I miss chill'in with one of my boy's. I think I'll give him a call and see when's the next time we can chill. I know he'll show me a good time cause he always comes through. Especially on "Thursday Thursday!" LOL (inside joke). But listen, I gotta get outa here. The goal for this entry is to make as many new friends as possible. Once this is accomplished, just keep them to myself and be happy. I'll get at my girls and holla at my boys, you know? Shit doesnt go well with my man, fuck him, I'll call up the gang.

Loosing My Mind
So today, I wake up and notice that my Mother and Neice have missed work and school. *gee* This should be a fun family day, I think to myself. So I turn back around and force myself back to sleep. Unfortuntely, hours later, I wake up again and my stomach is killing me. To my surprise, its awfully quiet and before I could celebrate the possible death of my family, the phone rings. It was *this guy*. We talked for a while, but then his mother started bitching about a missing cigarrette and the next thing I know, there's a dial-tone. *Um...ok* So I go about my business, and decide to leave me room. Before I could turn the corner, I hear, in a great voice, "Hi Titi!" *Oh God, my head* I go into the kitchen *Oh God, my mother* I get on the computer and thats when it all begins. My niece decides she's going to put a puzzle shark into water. "And of course it needs salt in the water in order for it to live". "Um...niece person", I say. "Considering the shark isnt breathing, dont you think we should clean up this mess?" Oh no, she responds. "I'll make it breathe." *ahem* "Neice, the day you turn water into wine, is the day I'll rethink your limits". I go about my business, and before I know it...something sets it off: the yelling, the arguing, the fighting. *well at least they broke a record this time, usually I cant get in a single word.* Before I know it, my neice is talking back to my mother, my mother is theatening to punch her in the face, my stomach and head start hurting, and I loose it: "Would you two, shut the fuck up?! I swear if I had a gun, I'd shoot you both!" I then go on to say how disrespetful the neice is being and how immature the mother is. I calm myelf down and zone out to my pc. Ahh yes...my computer. Where would I be without it? The arguig continues and my mother is telling me that if I dont like the way she runs things, "There's the door". "The way you run things?!" I say. "Threatening to punch your grandchild in her face?!" She claims,"Well, I wasnt really going to do it". (So I think to myself, well at least Im not a liar. It just so happens that I dont have a gun.) So Im like whatever. I swear, the next time shit hits the fan, they better hope they can find me. I'm telling you, once I leave, Im not coming back, not even to visit. I gotta get outa this house. But anyway, where's *this guy* at? He hasnt called me back yet. I could imagine what he's going through. Come on...your mother arguing you about who smoked the last cigarrette. *Oh boy* It never truely ends.

Yall Niggas Just Dont Know
I miss living in Linden with my boy. Everything I ever wanted was right at my finger-tips (including my acrylic tips, lol). I had a FEW good jobs, so you know I was crazy paid. A place to stay in a good neighborhood, a female friend to chill with, my beautiful husband type, and TWO stashes: one for our weed and one for my money. *Oh yeah!* I'd really like to get these things again, but sometimes I feel like if I dont have a partner to ball with, then whats even the point, you know? But in anycase, I really hope I do get another partner in crime, or maybe even get my boy back. Who wants a newbie anyway? I stick with the pros, you know? I gotta make shit happen. Cause when I ball I like to go all out. You feel me? Here's a shot out to my people: To all my former and current ballers playing silo, hitting up the pool spot, skip'in town, doin it in the parking lot or the back of a car while your friend drives, smokin out, toastin out to gettin the fuck out of the fuckin projects, gettin gangsta with it so we can ball like there's no tomorrow...Get your luck charm (that was usually me), get the caddy, dont forget the Chronic 2001, I dont like to fuck around with guns but that dont mean nigga dont save me one! Get the trees, get the E, get the barbeques with the family and shit. Hit the clubs up, hit the bars up, hit ya peeps up and get cha 3-some! Chill with co-workers, chill with friends, chill with your girl, and hook up your man. LMAO! To all my ballers, save a seat for me, cause Im coming through soon as I get this money. ONE!

I Think The World Is Sick
Alright so hear this: Rules, regulations, religion, schooling, culture, etc. All of these factors and more take part in a huge attempt to take over the world. But we'll just call it organization so the people wont realize how gullable they really are. We were built to live and die and while we're waiting, we find things to do in the mean time. Like conquoring what somone else has established (this can range from the history of land to the everyday drug deals). Some run for a position which is closer to having more power, whether to make large amounts of money, or to make a large amount of destruction (in order to rebuild things how they'd like it). And then we have those, like myself, who recognize the insanity and realize that there really is no means of exscaping it. You either go with the current or swim against it, but you will play. Sit around and do nothing...they'll come for you and give you a job you dont want. Go for the job you want...they'll give you tons of competition and reason they couldnt hire you (if youre lucky enough to get a reason). Get the job you want...hope your spouse isnt cheating on you while your there. The point is...there's always something. And no, I dont mean something to worry about. Because even the most carefree people reognize the patterns. It isnt a paranoia of sorts...that really is how the world works. The sick part is, I truely believe it was made this way for a reason. What reason is that you ask? Well...so you have something to ocuppy yourself with instead of focusing on the truth. We may really have no purpose. Not a fan of God? Then how about asking your parents why each of them helped to create you. Just hope they didnt do it out of love, or even worse, you were an accident. Not a fan of the "meantime"...try to write yourself off but you better hope you dont wake up in a straight-jacket. Oh and by the way, I would NEVER recommend suicide. Im making a point here people. This world is sick, and if youre not sick too, I'll be the first to warn you...its contagious.

Jeeeah!!!!
Alright so, my boy hooked me up. He got me out of the house, even though I hadnt planned on going anywhere, and we had a good time. Got something to drink, felt a little tipsy, went at it for a while, and slept over. Its halarious cause he's got this HUGE hickey on his face now because of me. LMAO! Thats gotta be the worst. And to top it all off, he wasnt even mad at me. And even if he was, he took it like a champ and didnt say so. Im hungrier than a mother-fucker and he just got me something to eat. Thats my heart right there. You just dont know. I'd be so pissed off if we werent friends in the end. I mean, I think we could handle not being a couple, but if we werent dealing with each other anymore, for whatever reason, that would really be fucked up. But I trust that neither of us are going anywhere. I mean this boy went to another fucking state and came back. I went to another fucking state and came back. And with no contact information, I hunted his ass down. CHEEZE. And now we're together again. However I told him that if he ever left again, I wont track him down a second time! This one is for my boy. I love you.

Peice of Shit
You know...I was hoping I'd have nothing upseting to say. Lately, I've been all about the misfortunes. However, needless to say, Im pissed. Today, *this guy's* mother finds a sheet of paper with my hand writing on it. Now instead of saying, Ok well this is my son's business or one of his friend's and I should just leave it where I found it, of course she decides to read it and discovers the baby's name that I had picked out if I were to ever have a baby girl with *this guy*. So he tells me what happened and I hear her in the back asking who's that? Im going to ask Adroit who that is next time I see her. So now Im over here pissed off because whether her grandchild or not, she just COMPLETELY ruined the surprise of introducing my future baby-girl's name to people when and if it gets here. Not only that but she has no excuse for her nosiness nor any right to pry and especially be bold enough to ask who that name belonged to. I dont mean to put her down cause I know she'd be one of the happiest people to know, but Im so very disappointed and I feel like I have to take extra precaution as to what I do now, because apparently we have people like that running around. So I wont even write anymore. I hope the world is happy now. I cant express myself, ideas, or feelings, because there are people like that, going through my things. Thanks for providing me with a good enough day to write a happy update. *Losers*

I Hate You All
Ok Ok, So here's the deal. I think the longer this kid is in me, the more Im gonna want to have it. Why do I hate you all, you ask? Well, because of your beautiful children...the children I know I can out do any day. I hate their existance, I hate your worthy husbands, and most of all I hate your happy homes. There..."I SAID IT!" Alright, so maybe its not that serious, but the other day I was talking on the phone with my neice and nephew, and then I did the hair of another one of my neices and started thinking of all the beautiful chldren in my life. Im only 20 years old and I already have 7 neices and nephews, 2 God-children, and a few children in other parts of my family who I really care for. It bothers sometimes to know that Im the last of my father's children and the only one who has none of my own. But at the same time, Im not complaining. I mean, I still do hate you all, but not enough to out do you purposely. I'll let that happen naturally and when the time is right.

Fuckin A Man, Fuckin A
Alright, so Im a little disappointed right now. I wanted to go out but planned a litte too late. Luckily Im going out tomorrow though. I've been so busy lately with trying to stay focused, maintaining a healthy relationship with my friends/family, and thinking of aborting this baby (if I find out Im pregnant, that is). Im so stressed, its not even funny. All I want to do right now is drink some hard liquor, smoke the fuck out, and crash at a friend's place. I have no stoges, no man, and no way to get out of this house tonight. I suppose it could be worse. At this moment I cant think of how, but Im sure it could be. I dont watch tv anymore, I rarely listen to the radio, and Im starting to see a best friend in my computer. Someone please...peel me off this fucking velcro seat and get me moving! I cant look at this screen anymore, I gotta gotta go. I'll update later.

Two Lost Souls...
I was suspecting that I was pregnant and I did some really heavy thinking the past few days. I always wanted a child when I was younger but now that Im older,Ireally want to be completely ready for it. Emotionally, mentially, bodily, financially, and then some. Its funny cause they say when you dream of fish, someone you know is pregnant. Well last night I dreampt of fish...A tank that had been filled to the top and one had jumped out. I went to go call my mother so she could put it back in but when I returned, my neice had picked it up and just as I statred to wonder, she grabed the part of the tail that spilts in two and ripped it until the insides started to show. I started yelling at her but by then I think it was too late. I ended up slapping her and to my surprise she showed no emotion. Anyway, I think this dream represented my pregnancy and the thoughts that I had of not having it. Again, I want to be fully prepared to feed my "family of five". So, I think I'll stick to school and get this hustle on right quick.

The Beautiful Ones
Well, here I am again. And yes, like always, I have a story to tell. There's a man in my life who really loves me and some time ago he proposed. My response Im sure wasnt to his liking since I really didnt take him seiously. Why? Well because we had been to chill wih each other to be thinking so seriously about one another, or so I thought. But thats not to say I had never secretly thought of ever begining a family with him. So some time had passed and he asked me two more times. Well, the last time I was awfully quiet and told him to ask me later, implying that I wasnt ready but that it doesnt sound like something I wouldt be up to. I just wanted to make sure it was right, you know? Later on I get my hands on his "ex-girlfriends" blog and she's happily calling him her husband. I spoke to him about it and he claims that essentially she's got issues that she needs to work out. Ok, I think, maybe so, cause I know I had an admirer who had some crazy issues with me but the thing is, I never let him get out of line. If he ever said something that I disagreed with, then I'd speak to him about it, making sure it didnt happen again. Anyway, what I didnt get was how when I brought up him telling her about our potential marriage he says that he needs to make sure Im not going anywhere first. Im like what?! I admit I usually am the type to just get up and go, but if I were to ever marry him I would obviously sit still or bring his ass wth me where ever I went. But he played HIMSELF out hard as hell by making that comment. To me, He pretty much said he was putting his potential future wife on hold for some broad who came after me, because he doesnt want to hurt HER feelings just incase I change my mind about the situation. So he would rather hurt Mine then to just be truthful to us both. Sometimes I feel like my strengths are being used against me because he knows that Im not a whinner nor do I cry but damn, thats only because I've surpressed them for so long I forget I even have feelings. But shit, the way I feel is like he should be trying to get those feelings out instead of using them for fuked up purposes. Anyway...Ima get outa here but as far as the title to this entry goes...it wasnt meant for one person anyway. (CHEEZE to all my ex-potentials and future potentials alike) Im out. ONE