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Under Armour is the single greatest invention ever. Don't even try to argue against it. It takes normal, non-nfl caliber atheletes and turns them into middle-linebacker bliss. It is the clothing equivalent to steroids, only better and with much more badassness. Take for instance the most recent Under Armour commercial where some random no name dude clean and jerks 90923823092 pounds and then runs (and i go to tech, so i could calculate this by just watching the commercial more than once) the 40 in 4.21 seconds, yea, Dante Stallworth style(who, if I had to guess, wears Under Armour, because I'm pretty sure all the badasses have to). No one is really sure how Under Armour works, but luckily for you I have a REALLY good imagination, so here is what I think . . . er, i heard from some dude who sneaked into the factory, i mean far out lab one day. Appearently, we are, and always have been surrounded by aliens, and they wear human skin and take the form of animals and other stuff to blend in so we have no clue they exist, and if somehow we do see one of them being all alien and stuff, these dudes in black suits, ray ban sun glasses and a car that has fire that comes out the back fly up faster than an already really fast dude (like the flash, or a crack addict or otis nixon) who is wearing Under Armour, and then they blow up the alien or the alien pours them some coffee and then they flash a really bright light in your face and you dont remember seeing aliens after that. So one day they flashed the light at the alien on accident and instead of forgetting stuff, it triggered a commonly forgotten Under Armour enzyme called Underarmourase that caused the alien to go immediately to a spooky science lab and kill any non-Under Armour supporters and then make the most badass clothing item of all time. Immediately after that happened, Bill Gates took the lab with his Microsoft Commandos tm. and stole the shirt and the Underarmourase enzyme and started mass producing the bad boys.
The power of Under Armour is directly proportional to its badassness, which is already like 9 million times infinity, so its pretty damn powerful. One time this dude wearing Under Armour tackled an entire offense, before the center could snap the ball to the quarterback. He happened to do it on the 40 yard line too, so he ran to the endzone in 2.97 seconds, just to prove how much of a badass he was. Then this one dude was wearing Under Armour one time and he walked out into the road and this dude driving a sweet ass 68 Shelby GT Mustang slammed into him at 297 mph, and it killed the driver instantly. Like, I don't want to go as far as saying that Under Armour is undeniably the most badass thing of all time, but I'm pretty sure some already really strong and fast dude, like Lou Ferrigno in a corvette, with Under Armour on, could take out Superman, one hit. Yea.
There are some things that Under Armour cannot help you with and they are . . . .
1) Being really, really lame
2) Mac'in on old ugly chicks
3) Sacking Michael Vick (you're on your own there)
4) Tackling Barry Sanders in the open field (sorry. no amount of badassness can help you with that, 'Barry Sanders' is football for 'anti-tackle')
5) Leading the Cavs to a last minute victory over Michael Jordan
(Just not possible)
That's it.
Now for more examples of what Under Armour CAN do, cuz that stuff is pretty cool. I've heard that if you wear Under Armour, that you can always win the lottery, just as long as no one else who is wearing Under Armour is playing the lottery too. And this one dude told me that he was wearing Under Armour this one time, and some dude was trying to trick him, but since he had his Under Armour on and the other dude didnt, he could see straight into his brain and saw what the dude was thinking, and it was that he was trying to trick him. So he started telling the dude what he was going to tell him before he said it and his head exploded, saving private ryan style, so it looked all real and stuff. Basically, if isnt on that aforementioned list, Under Armour can do it.
| BEFORE UNDER ARMOUR |
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| AFTER |
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| It all makes so much sense now. |
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