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MANY HAVE INQUIRED, FEW HAVE BEEN TOLD . . . this is the story of Al Mead.
It is true, Al Mead is a badass paraolympic athlete who uses his one leg to kick butt, but the true story behind his life goes much deeper and is much more interesting than any one individual could ever make up while killing time by adding smart alleck content to his webpage devoted to the aforementioned athlete. Al Mead is the son of Jim Brown and one of those giant aliens from the Simpsons. He was raised by a pack of wolves until he was old enough to talk, at which time he proceeded to take his wolf parents to court and subsequently divource them. Needless to say they were shattered, and had no idea that little Alfred had been studying Wyoming common law since his inception and growth in his mother's womb in anticipation that he would one day need its knowledge to gain his freedom from the pack of wolves located in mid-central Wyoming that would no doubt become his parents. Little Alfred, only 7 months old knew that he was more than just a simple Wyoming wolf-boy, he knew that he was destined for greater things . . . he knew that if he worked hard enough one day he could provide inspiration through motivational posters to High School Seniors learning college level statistics. So on that fateful day, Alfred lkjhgfdsa Mead began living everyday so that one day he could provide inspiration through motivational posters to High School Seniors learning college level statistics.
Things weren't as easy as you would think it would be for a 7 month old son of an ex professional football star and an alien of quasi-celebrity status who was raised by wolves in mid-central Wyoming. Anyone in mid-central Wyoming who had heard of his story wouldn't give him any work, and those that hadn't weren't going to hire a 7 month old child to do the intense sort of physical labor that is so prevelant in mid-central Wyoming. Eventually, after exhausting all possible options for jumpstarting a meaningful life, young Alfred realized he had but one choice: Alcoholism. Alfred spent his last dollar on a handle of whiskey and a brown paper bag to keep it in while he took "swigs" from it on the street corner. Because of his small size and alien bloodlines, the handle was able to keep Alfred in a state of intoxication for most of his pre-kindergarten years. Amazingly, no one seemed to see the need to be a good samaritan and stop the alien baby on the corner of the street from drinking, but that's just the way people from mid-central Wyoming are: bastardly.
Many drunken years ensued, and Alfred learned the ways of the streets fast, as do all homeless Alien/wolf babies on the mean streets of mid-central Wyoming. The lessons he learned hardened him, and made him tougher, and gave him the needed determination for down the road when it came time to kick butt. Admists his bouts with "The bottle" he swindled, begged and knitted (a strange, but true fact, most homeless drunks have an incredible affinity for knitting and patchwork quilt making, you could look it up), but it was also there on the mean streets of mid-central Wyoming that Alfred would sit and stare at the sky and wonder how high he could fly on one leg . . . that's when the drug addiction began.
Alfred first became introduced to drugs when a dealer hired him to make a drop off at an old folks home just out of town. Alfred was told he would get paid only after he dropped off the package and then returned the money to the dealer, but when he got to the home, he found the DEA making its weekly raid and he ran off into the woods with the package. Alfred soon realized that he had left his trusty handle on the mean streets of mid-central Wyoming, and his four year long buzz had begun to wear off. Panicked, his wolf-like instincts kicked in and he bagan to rip apart everything in sight, including the package of drugs. By the time the ordeal was over, Alfred was addicted to cocaine, though he claims he has no idea how it happened and remembers nothing about it and if you keep riding him about it he's gonna get Johnny Cochrain to go legal on your ass.
The blow habit soon led Alfred to many more drugs, until eventually (like all celebrities that have their life story told by some third party) he was introduced to heroin. Alfred soon abandoned his drug friends to escape to a secluded location that no one has ever seen and Alfred doesn't remember visiting (except for the crabs, the crabs were everywhere man). There he did heroin by the weekend and went comatose by the week. Come to think of it, it was probably just somewhere in LA. Alfred was next seen in South Central Wyoming, wearing a nothing more than a shirt reading "Phish 95' Tour" and tattoo underware. That's when his life took a turn for the worst . . .
Because of the incredible amount of drugs in Alfred's body at the time, he doesn't remember the ordeal completely or remember feeling any pain, but he does remember hearing the mechanized hum of another world, and that is because he was on heroin. Eyewitnesses to the horrific attack, described it as "horrific" and "an attack", and they all remember exactly what happened when his leg was cut off. As one lady described it: "A spaceship fell from the sky and pinned his leg to the ground, then the government came and took the spaceship away and told us if we ever told anyone about it we would have our eyes gouged by the FBI, but then I told them that sometimes I can see things that eyes can't and that they could never take that away from . .. " it is clear that we will never know the true reason for his leg's amputation. Although most agree the extremely high drug use probably had something to do with it.
Alfred knew that his leg had been cut off, and he knew that he needed help, but instead of seeking it, he decided to shoot up some more, because he was a drug addict, and that's what drug addicts do. Eventually, he was unable to keep up with his nomadic drug fiend posse' and was left to die on the side of the road as so many abandoned at birth/raised by wolves/alcoholic turned drug addict sons of a professional athelete and alien are.
Then he became a Paraolympic superstar and provided inspiration through motivational posters to High School Seniors learning college level statistics. The end.
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