A grouchy old man is talking long-distance when all of a sudden he gets cut off. He hollers, "Operator, giff me beck the party!"
She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to make the call all over again."
He says, "What do you want from mine life? Giff me beck da party."
She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to place the call again."
He says, "Operator, ya know vat? Take da telephone and shove it up you-know- vere!" And he hangs up.
Two days later he opens the door and there are two big strapping chaps standing there; one says, "We've come to take your telephone out."
He says, "Vy?"
They say, "Because you insulted Operator 28 two days ago. But if you'd like to call up and apologize, we'll leave the telephone here."
He says, "Vait a minute, vat's da rush, vat's da hurry?" He goes to the telephone and dials. "Hello? Get me Operator 28. Hello, Operator 28? Remember me? Two days ago I insulted you? I told you to take da telephone and shove it up you-know-vere?"
She says, "Yes?"
He says, "Vell, get ready -- dey're bringin' it to ya!"
CURIOUS MINDS
An 8-year-old girl and her mother are walking along the street together one day. "Mommy," says the little girl, "how old are you?"
"Darling, you should never ask a woman what her age is."
"Why not?" demands the child.
"Well, that's something you will understand one day when you're grown up."
"Mommy," asks the girl again, "how much do you weigh?"
"Never mind," answers her mother.
"Why can't you tell me?"
"Because grown-ups never talk about how much they weigh. This is something you will learn someday."
"Mommy," insists the child, "can you tell me why you and Daddy got divorced?"
"Darling," responds the mother in exasperation, "that's something still very painful for Mommy, and I really just can't talk about it now."
A few days later, the child recounts this conversation to a friend at school. The friend explains how to overcome these problems: "All you have to do is get your mother's driver's license. It has all the information about any grown-up you want on it. You just read it like a report card and it'll give you anything you need."
So the little girl does as her friend recommended. Next day, she walks up to her mother and says, "I know how old you are! You're 35!" The mother is very surprised.
"And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 136 pounds, right?"
Her mother is now shocked. "AND I know why you and Daddy got divorced. You
got an F in sex!"
A woman wants the inside of her house painted and she calls a contractor In to help her. They wander around the house, and she points out the colors she wants. She says, "Now, in the living room, I'd like to have a neutral beige, very soft and warm."
The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out and yells, "Green side up!" The woman is most perplexed but she lets it slide. They wander into the next room. She says, "In the dining room I'd like a light white, not stark, but very bright and airy." The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out, and yells "Green side up"!
The woman is even more perplexed but still lets it slide. They wander further into the next room. She says, "In the bedroom, I'd like blue. Restful, peaceful, cool blue." The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then once more he goes to the window, leans out and yells "Green side up"!
This is too much. The woman has to ask. So she says, "Every time I tell you a color, you write it down, but then you yell out the window 'Green side up. "What on earth does that mean?"
The contractor shakes his head and says, "I have four blondes laying sod across the street."
An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in Her )) wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car. As she's going
down the )) hall an old man jumps out of a room and says,
"Excuse me ma'am but
you )) were )) speeding." "Can I see your driver's license?"
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy
wrapper,
and )) hands )) it to him. He looks it over, gives her a warning and
sends her on
her )) way.
Up and down the halls she goes again. Again, the same old man jumps out of )) a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but I saw you cross over the
center )) line )) back there." "Can I see your registration please?"
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands )) it to him. He looks it over, gives her another
warning and sends
her )) on her )) way.
She zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over. As she comes to )) the old man's room again he jumps out. He's stark
naked and has an
erection!
The old lady in the wheel chair looks up and says, "Oh no- not the Breathalyzer again!"
A new chemical element has recently been discovered. Here for the first time is a description of its properties.
Element Name: WOMAN
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there!)
Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and
may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.
Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly
green when placed next to a better specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for
dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable because no matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying. On one occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating to reveal.
I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.
In this case, the truth hurt. I mean it really hurt in the place men feel the most pain. The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. As the daily routine prescribes, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.
"Ed!" she hearkened. "The garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it." "You know where the button is." I protested through the shower pitter-patter. "Reset it yourself!"
"I am scared!" She pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" Pause. "C'mon, it'll only take a second."
No logical assurance about how a disposal can't start itself will calm the fears of a person who suffers from "Big-ol-scary-machinephobia," a condition brought on by watching too many Stephen King movies. It is futile to argue or explain. And if a poltergeist did, in fact, possess the disposal, and she was ground into round, I'd have to live with that the rest of my life. So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence but it was I who would suffer.
I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances. Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She ("Buttons" aka "the Grater") had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.
Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements.
Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed. Not even a well trained monk could calmly stand with his groin supporting the full weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a step-by-step procedure. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome; men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option.
Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek great heights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold. When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter.
My wife told me I should be flattered.
At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk.
"What's the matter, cat got your tongue?" If they had only known.
HOW TO COOK A TURKEY
Step 1: Remove the turkey from the refrigerator
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey (scotch)
Step 3: Place the turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Turn oven on
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
Step 9: Turk the bastey
Step 10: Whiskey other bottle of get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 16: Floor the turkey up off of the pick
Step 17: Turk the carvey
Step 18: Hands blood wash off; place Aid-Band(s) over cuts(s)
Step 19: Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 20: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 21: Bless the saying, pass and eat out AND HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!
A man once called the 800 reservations number from a pay phone to purchase his $112.00 ticket. He then began inserting quarters into the phone and inquired if the agent was receiving the money.
A woman who adamantly refused a window seat. When I asked why she replied, "Well I'll be getting my hair done that morning, and I don't want to get it all messed up."
A man called wanting to know if we flew to Maconga. After the agent asked what country this was in, the woman replied that it was in the United States "somewhere in the Midwest". The agent got out a travel guide and looked alphabetically for the city when she finally stumbled on to it...Macon, Ga.
I often fly the London to Minneapolis route, and in doing so have seen many funny things, but this is the best by far..
The air hostesses have found out that in the morning, when they come around to serve tea and coffee, heading towards England, that about 90% of the people want coffee. Therefore, they go along the aisles with pots of coffee and cups, no tea. When a person wants tea, they give them the cup and tell them to press the stewardess call button, and someone will be along with a pot of tea.
After they get towards the end of the plane, that sentence had been Reduced to "If you want tea, press that button." This lead to the man in front of me, desiring tea, putting his cup underneath the overhead, and pressing the call button repeatedly, to the amusement of everyone behind him. He then stood up and loudly proclaimed that the tea machine was broken!
If People Bought Cars The Same Way They Bought Computers. . . General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars the way they buy computers --but imagine if they did...
HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!"
HELPLINE: "Did you put the key in the ignition and turn it?"
CUSTOMER: "What's an ignition?"
HELPLINE: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine."
CUSTOMER: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all
of these technical terms just to use my car?"
HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!"
HELPLINE: "Is the gas tank empty?"
CUSTOMER: "Huh? How do I know?"
HELPLINE: "There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and
markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where is the needle pointing?"
CUSTOMER: "I see an 'E' but no 'F'."
HELPLINE: "You see the 'E' and just to the right is the 'F'.
CUSTOMER: "No, just to the right of the first 'E' is a 'V'.
HELPLINE: "A 'V'?!?"
CUSTOMER: "Yeah, there's a 'C', an 'H', the first 'E', then a 'V',
followed by 'R', 'O', 'L' ..."
HELPLINE: "No, no, no sir! That's the front of the car. When you sit
behind the steering wheel, that's the panel I'm talking about."
CUSTOMER: "That steering wheel thingy-- Is that the round thing that honks the horn?"
HELPLINE: "Yes, among other things."
CUSTOMER: "The needle's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?"
HELPLINE: "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor and
purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you."
CUSTOMER: "What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I
have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!"
br>HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "Your cars suck!"
HELPLINE: "What's wrong?"
CUSTOMER: "It crashed, that's what went wrong!"
HELPLINE: "What were you
doing?"
CUSTOMER: "I wanted to go faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all
the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed -- and
now it won't even start up!"
HELPLINE: "I'm sorry, sir, but it's your responsibility if you misuse
the product."
CUSTOMER: "Misuse it? I was just following this damned manual of yours.
It said to make the car go to put the transmission in 'D' and press the accelerator pedal. That's exactly what I did --now the damn thing's crashed."
HELPLINE: "Did you read the entire operator's manual before operating
the car sir?"
CUSTOMER: "What? Of course I did! I told you I did EVERYTHING the manual
said and it didn't work!"
HELPLINE: "Didn't you attempt to slow down so you wouldn't crash?"
CUSTOMER: "How do you do THAT?"
HELPLINE: "You said you read the entire manual, sir. It's on page 14.
The pedal next to the accelerator."
CUSTOMER: "Well, I don't have all day to sit around and read this manual
you know."
HELPLINE: "Of course not. What do you expect us to do about it?"
CUSTOMER: "I want you to send me one of the latest versions that goes
fast and won't crash anymore!"
HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because
it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks."
HELPLINE: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "How do I work it?"
HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"
CUSTOMER: "Do I know how to what?"
HELPLINE: "Do you know how to DRIVE?"
CUSTOMER: "I'm not a technical person! I just want to go places in my
car!
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