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I have been graced and blessed to have received many flames in my lifetime. I love them all and adorn my room with them. I give copies of the good ones to people on the street and local lawmakers. I am what you would call a "connoisseur of flames". There is a great beauty to their innermost workings. The heart of a flame is a focusing of the passions felt by the artist who weaves wit and cunning into a tapestry of words. I will teach you how to achieve that which so many strive but fail to do.
In this lesson on flamming we shall use an imaginary person by the name of FlamerX. This poor tormented soul is enraged over the fact that his favorite TV show, Mr. Hamster's House of Pain, has been mocked by some upstart website known as the CAD Confederacy. The first and most important part of a flame is to center on a single issue or topic that makes you angry. For FlamerX, it is the fact that the CAD Confederacy has dared to insult his realistic political drama about people stuck in a wannabe Chuck E' Cheese playhouse that has gone to hell.
After a specific reason has been found, our subject turns to a stimulant from which the seed of hatred planted in his mind may blossom into a flower of carnage. For some people this may be caffeine, sugar, Italian Syrup, 2% Milk, or all of these things combined. FlamerX quenches his thirst with a bottle of balsamic vinegar. The burning sensation in his throat fuels his desire to write. He is now ready to begin.
The second part to a good flame is to set out a clear list of what you're going to say. Be clear and make sure to write no less than two pages. FlamerX types for three hours straight until he completes a five paragraph essay politely explaining the faults and incorrectness in the CAD review of Mr. Hamster's House of Pain. The next step is to print this essay out and burn it. Delete all files connected with it on your computer and get even more angry because you just wasted a lot of time typing for no reason. This is the state you must be in to write the perfect flame; tired, vengeful, and impatient.
FlamerX is now completely taken over by his frustration and rage. He sets forth typing and wisely turns the spell check off. Turning off the spell check, or at least ignoring it, is crucial. The flame must convey pure emotion. Thoughts do not need spelling or grammar. A lack of these represent the fire of hatred inside the writer. FlamerX then types faster than he has ever typed before. He does not stop to reread what he writes. He merely races blindly onward like a man on fire in a fabric store. The point is to not think. Just let the emotions control your fingers. If the emotions carry you to the "}" key, then so be it. You should also think of words that you have heard before but don't know the meaning to. Throw them in. Anything that promotes yourself and confuses the enemy is worthwhile. Let us study the e-mail written by FlamerX.
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