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Console Wars

PlayStation 2

Ooooh, shinyLet’s start off with Sony’s big guns: the PlayStation 2. Here’s a rhetorical question for you: How do you screw up the biggest console launch in history which is hyped so much that even deep-Southern hicks who don’t have electricity want one? Answer: You cut the estimated launch of 1 million units in half so it is impossible for little Timmy, who did not preorder the damn thing two years ago, to get one. During the launch day of October 26, 2000 I went to Walmart for some AA batteries. I was quickly assailed by droves of angry fat people with shower caps on their heads. Their only aim was to get their little Timmy a shiny new PS2. The acne covered geek behind the register had to periodically dodge cans of low-fat Spam as he tried to explain that all PS2s were sold out during the first 5 minutes. It was an ugly situation.

The Monolith! Where are the monkeys?Furthermore, there was a problem for all of those "lucky" people who scrounged one up: the games sucked. Sure, there were some fun games- but there were no must have titles that made people wish they had a PS2. Don’t get me wrong: a sizable portion of the US would kill their uncles to get a PS2. However, if you ask them why they want one, they will usually just stare at you like a startled beetle and then say "Because." Either that, or they will mention some game that will come out in the future.

Which leads me to the positive side of the PS2: many great games are scheduled in the near future. In the coming months, Gran Turismo 3, The Bouncer, Zone of the Enders, Onimusha, Metal Gear: Solid 2, and an assortment of Final Fantasy games are coming out. Of course, the flip side is that most of these games keep being delayed indefinitely. Also, like the original PlayStation, there will probably be a 54:1 ratio of crappy games to good games. By the time these games come out, the other consoles would have reared their ugly heads. Sony has a very short time to debunk speculation.

The Good:

It can stand both vertically and horizontally (oooooohhhh, ahhhhhh. We really are living in the new millennium!!)

It kinda looks like the Monolith from 2001: A Space Odyssey when it’s in vertical mode

Backwards Compatible with PS1 games: it can slightly enhance the graphics and speed up load times (you can finally play "Mort the Chicken" the way it was meant to be played)

Plays DVD movies out of the box

First rate developers which should equate first rate games (eventually)


The Bad:

Sony bungled the launch

Good games may not survive the hype placed on them

For every Metal Gear: Solid, there will be ten Super Bombad Racings (yes, it’s an Episode I game)

Bill Gates might fly to Japan to throw rocks at Sony’s HQ


The Ugly:

Can’t get more ugly than this


Useless Commentary:

Me: Well, that’s all for the PS2. If Sony gets it’s act together, the PS2 might come up on top.

Gamer X: DOn’t MAKE fun of Super Bombad Racing!!!! Mesa like the big heads!!!

Me: Um, alright. What are you playing now, Gamer X?

Gamer X: Me is playing Madden!! It’s sooooo real. It’s like your actually playing outside in the sun!!!

Me: Uhhh, why don’t you just step outside and actually do something under the real sun?

Gamer X: Me don’t understand! How can you do something if it’s not displayed on a screen or monitor?

Me: (sigh) Nevermind. Let’s go on to the X-box, shall we?

Gamer X: Yeah, yeah, yeah!!! Me like Microsoft. Microsoft has never put out a bad product.

Me: Right. . .