“Sleepless in Seattle”, “While You Were Sleeping”, “You’ve Got Mail”, “The Wedding Planner”, “Return to Me”, “Autumn in New York”, “Bed of Roses”, “Shakespeare in Love” Romantic comedies. The genre spans the entire history of movies, “It Happened One Night,” to “Sweet November”. The saccharine banes of most young men’s lives, the romantic comedy sucks millions of hard earned dollars from young working women and from girls’ allowances. Steady boyfriends weigh the benefits of proving their sensitivity and devotion in an attempt to get laid against having to actually sit through it.

(The formula is: L-sub-I > (C-t)B where L-sub-I= likely hood of getting laid, C= chance of seeing a naked chick, t= length of movie, and B= personal boredom coefficient) The storyline, notice it is not a plot, is that of a young woman languishing in a) loveless solitude or b) a relationship that’s nice but has no “spark”, categories which together cover 99.98% of movie-going young women, and a young man who is completely unlike any man I have ever met and unlike any man ANY of us are likely to ever meet. Young man likes girl. For various reasons there are obstacles- family objections, other spouses, or just plain misunderstandings- and either Love Conquers All, or Love Endures. But the storyline doesn’t matter. It’s a fantasy vehicle for women to see things they will never see in real life. Now, pandering to escapist fantasy is a perfectly respectable source of income. Advertising, Hollywood, circuses and Las Vegas are all based on that idea, but I take objection to it being done badly. The truth is, if any one behaved in real life the way they do in romantic comedies they would be shunned by most of society. I would call security on a florist sending me random flowers, and I’d never trust a man who began a relationship with me within weeks of his wedding. Manipulation and deceit are regular and acceptable parts of the movies and everything is explained away by passion. People are actually accountable for all their actions whether lust-induced or not. And, well, nothing happens. Escapist fantasy has to have something HAPPEN. Like, blowing up. Now is a good time to point out the coolest romantic comedy- “Top Gun”. There is no need for me to explain. It even has one of Meg Ryan’s best performances ever.

The other problem is that of female hypocrisy. Women whine about Hollywood supporting “negative body images” (possibly the coolest PC phrase ever) and the myth that a woman without a man is a miserable creature. Women need to prove them wrong, not through letters to “Ms.” or “Cosmo”, but by NOT GOING TO THE MOVIES. Very simple. Single women with boring careers ARE looking for men to give their lives some sparkle and purpose, as evidenced by the success of these damn romantic comedies. What? Kill boredom by broadening your mind and seeing a documentary or foreign film? Hell no! Go see a movie that is detrimental to the feminist movement by distilling a woman’s life down to the capture of a man? Sure! And then call it a “chick flick”. Grr. Frankly the Bond babe sex-fiend with a gun is a lot less offensive to me than a so-called career woman who spends her on-screen work time fretting about her love life. At least the homicidal sex-fiend is being true to her calling.

So I end this with a pledge:

I, AnnieMae, do hereby swear to never attend another romantic comedy. I will watch all three Lethal Weapon movies in penitence for having seen “While You Were Sleeping” a shameful THREE times in the theater. And I will watch “Enter the Dragon” for having bought the damn thing.