Ok, here goes, I know this is blasphemy, but who really cares besides a bunch of zealots who are planning to jet pack into my room (a’la Boba Fett) and beat me to death with plastic lightsabers. What the hell is a “Bombad”? A “super Bombad” at that? What is wrong with the Star Wars franchise? As far as I can tell it has been torn to shreds by manically fiendish dogs who take perverse pleasure in torturing fans by spoon feeding them crap with a Star Wars sticker pasted on it. Lately Lucasarts and company have put out some pretty crappy things pertaining to Star Wars. The hope is that by putting the name “Star Wars” onto something it will sell like crazy. So far the plan has worked pretty well. Games that can only be called insidious at best are bestsellers even though they are horrible. I can’t blame Lucas for selling merchandise, there’s nothing more American than selling out. My problem is the crap that they keep putting out. The Star Wars games are not good enough to have the name Star Wars printed on them.

The games that have been created by Lucasarts have sunk to a new low. It all started with X-Wing vs. TIE Fighter. Lucasarts discovered that a multiplayer game with no real levels or game play sold like wildfire. They soon realized that they didn’t need to work all that hard to sell games. The Star Wars label was selling the game. Therefore Star Wars gamers were tortured by games like Rebellion, Shadows of the Empire, and Force Commander. Even X-Wing Alliance which was supposed to be a fan’s chance to finally fly the Millennium Falcon and fight in the Battle of Endor failed to be as good as it promised. The Battle of Endor level was one of the crappiest space simulator levels I have ever played. It rivals inspecting cargo containers. What was supposed to be a fight between hundreds of fighters and dozens of capitals ships turned into a battle between about fifty fighters and ten ships. The massive imperial fleet consisted of one Super Star Destroyer and a background picture of Star Destroyers. There was no fighting the huge Imperial Fleet at point blank range because there was no huge fleet to fight. The mission is then split up into three different parts so it loses any possible feel for what the real battle would have been like. The in-flight voices are also abominable. Instead of taking the actual lines from the movie, Lucasarts had voice actors impersonate Billy Dee Williams and Dennis Lawson. The acting ability of the voiceovers were hideous. It looks as if the creators searched for two actors who had voices most dissimilar to that of Williams and Lawson. In the end, what was supposed to be the highlight of Star Wars space simulation turned out to be a cheaply done fiasco.

Then there are the Episode I games. They fit the movie perfectly. Pure asinine idiocy tossed in a shiny box and advertised as the second coming. What games did the groundbreakers at Lucasarts create to parallel the greatest let down film in history? Well, we’ve got “Podracer” a bunch of wannabe racers swooping around the same track with different textures to make it look interesting. I can ram that whiny Anakin into a wall, whoopty frickin doo that was worth $49.99. Then there was “The Phantom Menace” the crowning achievement of Lucasarts. The best way to sum this game up is, “That wasn’t in the movie!”. Better get used to fighting enemies and levels that don't seem to appear in the actually movie. It seems Qui-Gon downed a couple bottles of cheap whiskey before wandering the streets of Naboo and got into trouble with the local authorities. My favorite level is when Panaka traverses the skyscrapers of Coruscant to rescue Queen Amidala from being kidnapped by thugs. What, you don’t remember that in the movie? It was the part right before you jumped from your seat and exclaimed, “No I didn’t waste my eight dollars! I love this movie!”. Well good ole’ Panaka goes into the seamy underbelly of Coruscant and kills a couple of homeless bums for information. For the rest of the level you are hunted by packs of hungry bums who keep calling you a killer. Of course you have to kill them as well. Perhaps this isn’t the part where Jedi Knights talk about love, peace, understanding, and other hippie values. Wait! What am I thinking? There was a good part to “The Phantom Menace”. The pure joy of being able to kill Jar-Jar and a city full of Gungans may just be worth the price I paid (I got a free burned copy). When you travel to the underwater city (I forget its name, it was something silly like "Own-a Gundam") you get to have a little mischief. Imagine a city full of Gungans who are unable to defend themselves. The giddy feeling of slashing Gungans with lightsabers or blasting them to smithereens with a thermal detonator is perfect for stress relief. The best part may be when you toss a grenade down the throat of Boss Nass and a nice chain of explosions occur. Just don’t let Qui-Gon see you when you kill the annoying buggers. He has a nasty habit of tossing thermal detonators around like a redneck tosses beers at a moster truck rally. He pretty much just blows himself up. Again Lucasarts screws up the voice acting and lines. I wouldn't be surprised if the voices came from an underpaid coder on Prozac strapped to an electric chair. That, or the voice really is Liam Neson, only they gave him a complementary box of Irish whiskey which he guzzled down in ten minutes before slobbering over the mike. For a game that was supposed to match Episode I in mastery and excellence, The Phantom Menace game succeeds. Although that isn't much of a compliment now then is it?

What do we have to look forward to from Lucasarts? “Super Bombad Racing”, “Star Wars Demolition”, and “Obi Wan” that was just cancelled for the PC. Super Bombad racing, which looks like a complete knockoff of Mario Cart, can best be described as the Star Wars equivalent of a cockroach race. Oh lookie! Jar Jar Binks has a bloated head! The creator says that he got the inspiration for having giant heads from Dragonball Z. Great, now I have to blame DBZ for this horror. I’m sure everyone’s going to rush out and buy this game. Why? Because you can race as Senator Palpatine. With his huge head he looks just like Rush Limbaugh in pajamas. As for “Star Wars Demolition”, you too can drive pixilated Star Wars vehicles into each other and squeal with excitement when you realize how pathetic this game really is. Yep, another pointless game. “Obi Wan”, the only game that looked good. It actually had good graphics, a hope for game play, a glimmer of creativity, and expanding the horizon of gaming. Nope. Sorry computer users, it was scraped and hauled to the PS2. Curse you General_DAC I’ll get a PS2 sooner or later, even if I have to hunt down Saddam and steal back the ones he bought. In the meantime I’ll just stare at my computer and wait for Duke Nukem Forever, I’m sure it’ll come out in this millennium. I’ll go on a hunger strike until they finish it. Shouldn’t take too long, right?

It’s a sad thing to say, but the Star Wars of the old is much better than that of today. The caliber of games being cranked out by Lucasarts are nothing compared to that of the originals. The first games were excellent. TIE Fighter is still regarded by some to be the best spaceflight simulator ever. Jedi Knight was a leap in graphics and game play. Rebellion, was crap. The force has left us.