A father came to the caliph, Umar (may God be pleased with him) complaining of his son’s neglect. Umar summoned the son and asked him regarding his neglect of his duties to his father. The young man asked Umar: “Does the child also have rights over his parents?” Umar replied in the affirmative. He stated the child’s rights to the good parents which come with a person’s careful selection of a marital partner; the right to a good name, and the right to education. The young man told Umar that his father had failed him on all three accounts. Umar dismissed the father, for in his neglect of his son’s rights as a child, he had wavered entitlement to his son’s duties to him in adulthood.

Islam grants rights, not only on a child, but even on the soul of the child prior to conception. The first of these rights is in the selection of its’ parents: a young man or young woman are advised to choose their spouse carefully, to seek qualities that are lasting and would be appropriate to creating a home of peace and mercy.

While love at first sight is the fodder of a romantic novel, unless it accompanies sound rational judgement of a person’s qualities, it will not always be the basis of a lasting commitment. The rush of infatuation that comes with a new relationship is certainly one of life’s natural “highs”, but as all couples in long-term relationships know, it is transient and fleeting in the pattern that love takes as a relationship unfolds and matures. Prophet Muhammad acknowledged the qualities that make a person attractive when he said that a person could be married for four reasons: for beauty, for wealth, for status or for faith – and warned that if faith was not the primary criterion, the relationship would turn into one of regret.

Muslim men and women are encouraged to select a partner using their sound judgement rather than emotional or physical reactions. Does the significant other observe the rights of God in prayer, fasting, worship and community service – for it is unlikely that someone negligent of his duties to God would be attentive to the duties of marriage and raising a family. How do they treat those younger than them? Are they caring and merciful – for one day this will be the co-parent of your future children. Do they respect the elderly? A young woman in particular, would do well to heed the way the man treats the elderly women in his family, particularly his mother. When your hormones affect your emotions, and time has had its effect on your physical attractiveness, will he still treat you with affection and respect? What are their leisure activities and who do they hang out with? As the saying goes “show me who your friends are, and I will know you.”

The family of the young man or woman are then advised to consult people in their community who know the potential suitor, and ask about his or her character. Thereafter, they are advised to consult God, by praying the Istikhaara, a prayer asking God for good, to facilitate a good decision and prevent a bad one.

The unborn child has a right to legitimacy, and Islam, like all major religions, regards marriage to be the basis of a stable family unit. And it is of marriage that Allah has said: “And from His miracles is that He has created for you, from among yourselves, spouses that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has placed love and mercy between you. In that are signs for those who reflect.” All praises be to Him!

 

 

Umm Zakariya Gardee

(Courtesy of the Standard-Freeholder, February 24,2007)