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Note - As always, I am
not a mental health professional and this post is just my personal opinion based on what worked and what didn't in my
relationship. Seek the help of a professional therapist or your clergy when you have problems within your relationship
that go beyond your ability to resolve.
When in a relationship with someone in recovery, support from loved ones can make all the difference. Providing a positive environment for change through encouragement, patience, understanding,
and role modeling while enforcing boundaries against bad behaviors helps to give the person in recovery an opportunity for
change within a healthy relationship. Unfortunately not all relationships are
healthy and that needed support can be lacking.
One common characteristic of many people with BPD can be found within DSM iv criteria three
-- Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently
unstable self-image or sense of self. Basically, this means a low self-esteem. Sometimes a codependent or enabler relationship involves a partner
who feeds on this low self-esteem for his or her own esteem needs. Because of this need, any attempt at change on the borderline
person’s part can result in an unconscious reaction from the supporter that can thwart recovery efforts.
Sometimes the non-borderline person in a relationship
may fear that if the person gets better they won’t be needed any more. Change
can be scary. Fear of abandonment is another DSM IV criteria that may manifest
in both partners in an unhealthy relationship. Sometimes the partner is addicted
to the conflict, or, as I’ve seen others describe it -- the rush. Sometimes
the partner is controlling and feels that the borderline’s taking charge of his or her recovery (as it should be) will
take that control away. A healthy relationship is 50-50 most of the time, with
each person contributing to the relationship as a whole. The partner might be
a 90-10 person and may not want to relinquish that control. Often the borderline and the partner are together for these very
reasons. Because of this, the partner can feel threatened.
There
are different ways that the partner can disrupt the recovery process. One way
is through negative affirmations. This can take the form of statements against
the effort itself, such as “from what I’ve read few people actually recover from BPD” to statements that
show a lack of faith in the borderline’s ability such as, “well I’m sure you’ll give it your best
effort but we both know you haven’t been able to stick with anything that’s too hard.” Probably the more common problem is the reaction to a setback. Almost
every attempt at doing something difficult will have setbacks. Remarks like,
“I knew you couldn’t do it all along” are possibly the most damaging reaction to a setback that the partner
can give.
You have to really love someone and feel secure in your own
life to support and accept change in your partner, knowing that change could mean losing the personality that first attracted
you. As I have said before at this site, if you truly love someone you will allow
that person the freedom to grow and change.
The best
kind of support comes from a healthy partner, or one who recognizes his or her own problems and is taking steps towards improving
codependent or enabling behaviors. This also shows the borderline person that
you recognize that you are also a part of the problem and are willing to do your part to fix that. Again, you are role-modeling healthy efforts to recovery.
This
role modeling starts with positive affirmations. Remind the borderline person
often how much you appreciate his or her efforts and compliment any successes. For
instance, when you see that the person does not fly into a rage at something that would have triggered him or her in the past,
mention how you’ve noticed a change in how he or she reacts to adverse situations.
Make sure that you’re not patronizing as you do this or the effort could backfire.
You
can support and compliment good behaviors while continuing to hold to your boundaries to discourage bad behaviors such as
alcohol or drugs, spending sprees, rages, bad
checks, etc. Boundaries are a whole subject in itself and the need to understand
how to communicate and implement boundaries can be found in other links at the Supporter’s page.
Being more of a listener than an advisor is
another way to help. Listen to the other person and ask questions instead of
giving direct guidance. Good communications skills are another necessary ingredient
to a healthier relationship and making an effort to learn good communications skills will help in other aspects of your life
as well.
Keep in mind that while you can support
someone in their recovery efforts you can’t do the job of recovery for them. You
also cannot force your will on them and must accept that your role, while important, is limited. The borderline person must take responsibility for their recovery and their life. Allow the person to do that. The rewards over the long run
can be a healthier, happier person and a healthier, happier relationship if you each do your part
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