Validation is really just acknowledging that the other person has value and recognizing that the other person's point of view nearly always has some truth and that it has some importance and/or value to the other person based on their own experience of the current situation, or based on prior situations. Validating allows you to experience and understand the other person’s perception of reality from their point of view. It also follows the “Golden Rule” of treating others with value and respect in order to receive the same in return.

When responding to a borderline person in a rage, validation techniques not only help to defuse the situation, but also can actually help to get to the root of the issue.  Most rages are not because of the specific thing that you are being raged at but are more of an emotional release with you as the unfortunate recipient. In the case of someone with borderline personality disorder often they learned or developed poor communication skills growing up.  They often lack validating skills and have developed the habit of seeing things through negative filters at times.  And they have often learned primitive defenses that can make effective communication problematic.

One part of my philosophy of how to create an environment conducive to recovery is to be a good role model.  Part of recovery for the borderline person involves learning to observe situations more rationally and objectively.  Borderlines tend to see black and white and often lack the ability to take a neutral point of view - to see shades of gray.  By understanding and using proper validating methods you are providing a better environment for recovery and giving the other person a chance to learn those skills through your good example.

There were times in my relationship where the ability to validate wasn’t there because the emotions were too high.  If I knew that I was not going to be able to control myself I would just walk away for a while and let the emotions defuse.  I would often write a letter expressing my feelings to Andrea and give it to her.  I would tell her my point of view while acknowledging to her the right to have hers.  I always ended it with a compliment about her and the good things I saw in her future and that I loved her.  Later we almost always were able to put the issue aside; often without even needing further discussion.

A situation where neither person has these skills is truly a dysfunctional relationship that’s destined to be a roller coaster ride of emotional destruction. Only professional help through therapy or clergy is likely to bring such a relationship to functionality.  Without that the chances are that the relationship will end with the borderline person going on to another dysfunctional relationship and the partner being added to the list of the BPD-biased, oftentimes failing to ever understand their part in the dysfunctional relationship.

How to validate:

1)  When you first start out using validation techniques let the other person know that you are trying to find a better way to communicate and understand their point of view.  This could even encourage more openness.

2)  Be an active listener and show interest in what the other person has to say.

3)  Don’t be closed-minded to the message because of the way it’s being expressed.

4)  Make sure that the other person understands that you are thankful that they are expressing their thoughts and feelings and that you care about what they think and feel and about them.

5)  Compliment where appropriate.  Often Andrea would show exceptional perception in her observations.  I would compliment that perception.

6)  Don’t kill the messenger just because you don’t like the message.  Take advantage of the chance to gain the information, whether you like what you hear or not.

7)  It's not necessary to agree with the other person.  But, once you have validated their feelings and thoughts he/she is likely to be more open to hearing yours.  In the end you can agree to disagree, each knowing more about the other.

Always remember that you can only change yourself; you cannot change someone else.  You can use all these techniques and do everything in your power to make the relationship work.  You can create the best environment possible using validating techniques and better communicating skills, avoiding triggers, implementing necessary boundaries, etc. But none of this will likely matter if the borderline person doesn’t acknowledge his/her disorder and do their part to get better.