Some people say, “I woke up on the wrong side of the bed today.” I used to say, “I woke up on the wrong side of life.”  That’s exactly how I felt for many years.  I knew from a very young age that something was wrong with me. I used to go through severe suicidal lows, but never followed through with taking my life. So, year after year, I muddled through life, a very miserable person, just surviving. I am a Christian, and very spiritual, yet no matter how much I prayed, I couldn’t get relief. I read many self-help books, but still no relief. Now I’m 45, and after years of struggling, I finally have answers. I’ve taken my life back! No more “black cloud”.

There are actually names and diagnosis’ for what I battle. I have mental illnesses called BAD (Bipolar Affective Disorder), also called Manic Depression, with Psychosis and Adult ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder). But I also battle related psychiatric illnesses like Panic Disorder with Agoraphobia (housebound), PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and SAD (Social Anxiety Disorder). It’s common for people with mental illnesses to have co-morbid (co-existing) psychiatric symptoms. I also have Hypothyroidism and I’m Postmenopausal (Finished Menopause in my early thirties), both of which contributed to my mental health condition. I always thought I was a little crazy, now I know I am for sure, but there are reasons for it and treatment is available.

In layman’s terms, I want to share my story with others who may be battling some of the same thing(s). My story might help guide you to a tentative diagnosis which you can get confirmed by your doctor. But you have to be completely open and honest about your history. Maybe you can learn from my experiences just how crucial it is to be proactive when it comes to your health, whether it be mental or physical.

What is crazy anyway? People don’t believe that I’m mentally ill because I don’t look crazy! They just haven’t seen me during one of my rages, looking like a raving lunatic. I’ve been able to hide it well by wearing a mask for many years. I should get an Oscar for Best Actress. It’s a role that became harder for me to play the older I got. I became more and more emotional. I gave an all-star performance in the Army. You must show no sign of weakness, at all cost. So I would go to work, wearing my armor, then come home and fall apart. I was hell for my daughter to live with. She bore the brunt of my pain.  Trying to hide Manic Depression is like trying to force a beach ball under water. In the last 10 years, the Depression hit an all time low. Suicide was always on my mind, but I was to chicken to follow through with it. For me, suicidal thoughts became as automatic as breathing. The fact that I have a child was the only thing that kept me grounded. I’ve lost 2 cousin’s to suicide due to Manic Depression, and almost lost another one. Fortunately I haven’t become a statistic.

I figured out all of my illnesses on my own, mainly through medical books. Doctors wouldn’t listen. I set up an appointment with a doctor for a complete physical to rule out any medical factors. He asked me questions, and because I was seeing a Psychiatrist, he just told me to continue on with him. He wasn’t even going to draw blood from me. After much reading, I found that a lot of my physical and mental symptoms matched Hypothyroidism. It requires a special blood test. It doesn’t show up in regular bloodwork. I had the test done and was diagnosed with Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis (Hypothyroidism, an underactive Thyroid). I started medication for it. One year later I was stabilized, but was still having mental and physical problems.

Next, I asked my Gynocologist to check my Estrogen and Progesterone levels. I was absolutely shocked at the outcome. My doctor diagnosed me as Postmenopausal, done with Menopause at age 37. Which meant no more kids. That knocked the wind out of me. I thought I would have at least one more child.  He said you can go through Menopause over the span of 10 years. It’s possible that I started in my 20’s. That explained some of the rollercoaster ride I’d been on. I also found out it runs in the family, it’s genetic. I started a medication called Evista, without much relief.

Since I still wasn’t getting better, thinking I was overmedicated, I went off all medications for 8 months. That landed me in the Psych Ward. My Thyroid was through the roof and I was at my worse with BAD (although I wasn’t yet diagnosed with it). That was a horrific experience. My Doctor didn’t look at my patient history and didn’t listen to me. Since I just lost my fiancé to Leukemia two months prior, he diagnosed me with Situational Depression. I was in the depressed phase of BAD. But he may have diagnosed me differently if he had read my history.

I think the doctors thought I was a Hypochondriac; they didn’t know what to do with me. They put me in a program for substance abuse. But that wasn’t the answer. I was battling a combination of mental and physical ailments; it was difficult to make a clear-cut diagnosis. So I can’t put full blame on the doctor’s. But what I needed was one good doctor, that would take the time to really listen to me and help me sort it all out. I found such a Doctor which marked a turning point for me. He recommended a DEEG (Digital EEG), where they monitor your brain then translate the data. It told me that my brain activity matched those who had Manic Depression and ADHD. I finally got confirmation of what I thought was my diagnosis all along. This was ground-breaking news. Nobody else was using this service in the Psychiatric field.

Then I finally found an excellent Psychiatrist Doctor 4 years ago, and I thank God for him. He saved my life. I felt after everything that I’d been through, and still no answers (the Veterans Affairs Psychologist disregarded the DEEG.), I’d suffered long enough. I decided that if this Doctor couldn’t help me, then my only resolution was to kill myself. I had a sure-fire plan to end my life with no chance of reviving me. Much to my surprise, this Doctor listened to my history, was supportive and confirmed my diagnosis. Then, together we worked out a prescription regimen for me to start on, with the realization that it may take time to find what works for me, along with the proper dosage. I’d been through 34 medications before my Doctor finally found the perfect treatment cocktail (combinations of medications) that worked for me. It’s a total crap-shoot, purely trial and error. What works for one person might not work for another. My Doctor and I are a team. That’s critical in finding the right doctor. I am now stabilized on 5 medications.

I have Adult ADHD, and was misdiagnosed (for 40 years) since about age 5. Back then they thought only boys had it. I had alot of problems with being extremely hyper and unruly, had social problems and learning disabilities in school. Children with ADHD are at higher risk for Depression, Alcoholism and antisocial behavior as adults. Many carry it with them into adulthood. One in 4 ADHD kids are at risk for being Bipolar, which complicates the ADHD.

BAD (Bipolar Affective Disorder), or Manic Depression is a type of brain disorder or biochemical imbalance; also called a genetic disease. It’s extremely hard to diagnose and treat. This illness is a curse and a blessing all rolled into one (Manic Depressives tend to be highly creative individuals). It’s characterized by severe mood swings that cycle back and forth between extreme highs (Mania) and severe lows (Depression). Bipolar affects some people as early as childhood. Some Bipolar’s experience normal moods in between cycles. Some might experience Mania once in their lifetime, while others experience it once a year, or even once every few months. Some are called Rapid Cyclers. I’m an Utra Ultra Rapid Cycler who experiences Mixed States. Meaning, I cycle so fast that I actually have Depression and Mania happening at the same time within a 24-hour period. I had to record my moods in order to track my pattern of mood swings.

When Bipolar’s are Manic, they’re in mental overdrive. Ideas are coming fast and furious. It’s hard for them to keep up. It’s hard for people to keep up with them. You’re revved up. You’re tripping over your own words. You become a total work horse or workaholic. That mental state can be productive if you’re not too manic. The energy is great. But the problem is that the mania keeps building, til eventually you spin out of control and just can’t function. Then the Depression sets in. You go from an extreme high to an extreme low. You come crashing down. Most turn to alcohol to take the edge off the mania or to nurse their depressing woes. You feel invincible one minute and like your sinking into an abyss the next. You actually feel like you’re coming out of your skin when you’re Manic.

I’ve lived a life of utter chaos, on a constant emotional roller coaster, a trainwreck if you will. I’ve been homeless a few times. I would go through fits of rage. I came close to physically abusing my daughter. I felt like a deer caught in headlights. It feels like a Panic Attack 100 times over. I felt like God played a cruel joke on me. I’ve actually lost it to a point where I’ve floored my car from 0 to 60 down alleys and streets. I’ve put my fist through walls and doors. Kicked in my car door so hard with my combat boot that it looked like my car was wrecked. I hit a file cabinet so hard that I almost broke my hand. Once, after drinking a whole bottle of Thunderbird (which is like rott-gut), I drove on the freeway to my boyfriend’s house in Los Angeles, California with my daughter in the car. I was upset with him for standing me up. I was so drunk I was swerving all over the road. Cars were beeping but I kept going. I had it out with my boyfriend, then drove back home. It was by the grace of God that we made it home safe. Who knew Angels flew so low. When I went through my crack phase, I came close to buying it with my daughter in the car. These are examples of how impaired your judgment gets when you’re Manic.

Before I was Agoraphobic, I would go out binge drinking (I was also a closet drinker). I would black-out and someone would drag me home. Not a pretty sight. Unfortunately my daughter saw me like that a few times. I also tried cocaine, weed, mixed pills with alcohol…you name it, I’ve tried it (except intravenous drugs). I did anything to kill the pain of Depression and to help lessen the Mania so I could sleep, because I would be so amped up for no apparent reason.

You also have to learn what your triggers are for Mania.  Stress, certain medications, panic attacks…can be triggers. I was usually treated for Major Depression.  The doctors would prescribe Antidepressants, which I found out triggers Mania. So I would get worse instead of better. If you’re Bipolar, you have to balance an Antidepressant with a Mood Stabilizing drug like Lithium. Another time, I was given a decongestant for Sinusitis/Allergies. The medication had an amphetamine in it which triggered a Manic episode. I also have to keep my life as stress-free as possible.

Those who are Manic have the capability of completely destroying their lives and others. Job loss, divorce, ruined family ties and friendships to name a few. The biggest problem is saving the person from themselves. Suicide (includes wreckless behavior) plays a major role in Bipolar Disorder, along with Psychosis.  Psychosis can cause Manic Depressive’s to be committed. Psychosis is visual and/or auditory hallucinations and/or paranoia. Imagine sitting in a doctor’s office and all of a sudden you hear gangster voices. I almost ran out of the office, but it passed. Once I was driving on the freeway, and the next thing I know I saw the freeway rolling up towards me about to swallow me up. But my biggest problem was the paranoia. It affected my judgment. It caused me to alienate everyone. Now that I’m on an Antipsychotic medication, I see the world through rose-colored glasses.

I’ve always been a high-strung, successful workaholic. I’m a type “A” personality. I used to be a workhorse for whomever I was working for. I felt I was superwoman…and for many years I was. I would go through spells where I felt so vibrant and vivacious with people. At times I was on top of the world. But then…like clockwork, I would come crashing down. I would go through suicidal depressions and literally hide from people. I would retreat to my bedroom or home. I became Agoraphobic (housebound). I wouldn’t go out for anything but groceries and necessities. If I had to work, I was quiet and would race home after work. The black cloud was suffocating me. I would hit rock bottom. Part of the reason things got so bad had to do with hormones.  I had the worst periods. I realized part of these mood swings were cyclic based on my menstrual cycle, triggered by my hormones, which compounded the BAD. So, Hypothyroidism + Hormones + BAD = Livin’ La Vida Loca!

To top it off, and to further complicate a complicated scenerio, I battled and still battle Anxiety Disorders (SAD, PTSD and Panic Disorder with Agoraphobia). Agoraphobia is severe anxiety, usually brought on by multiple Panic Attacks, that cause avoidance tendencies to a point where you become housebound. Counseling helps.

I believe the BAD, SAD and PTSD caused me such severe Panic Attacks, that I was paralyzed by them. The Army caused a lot of my anxiety. As Company Commander, I had to stand out in front of my Unit and give commands. I also had to give speeches/ teach classes which was demoralizing. Being Agoraphobic truly cripples your life. I was out of touch with everyone. I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I would literally run and hide if I saw someone I knew during the few times that I was out of the house. I wouldn’t even answer the door if someone knocked. I refused to be around anyone until I figured out what was wrong with me.

I got the nickname “Queenie” because I was the oldest of 7; they said I bossed them around. I literally made the nickname stick after being crowned Homecoming Queen. To this day, I still don’t believe it happened. I was terrified of people (SAD). I was sweet and nice to everyone but wore this mask to hide my illnesses. I had them all fooled.

Once you get an accurate diagnosis, you’re halfway there. Finding the right combination and dosage of prescriptions puts you another quarter of the way there. Next, throw a little Psychotherapy in the mix and you’re home free. Once you’re stable, you don’t feel a need for alcohol…

HOPE

Being on Medicaid and Welfare helped me to get the medical attention I so desperately needed. Since I wasn’t able to work, I applied for SSDI (Social Security Disability Insurance). Once that was approved I was able to survive a little better, but you lose the medical coverage. It’s taken 7 years of investigating to get to the bottom of everything. I’m on Medicare through SSDI, but that doesn’t cover much and doesn’t cover prescription drugs of which mine runs $500 a month. I’m able to get help through the Low Income Prescription Program for some medications. I get some Doctor’s samples. And pay for the rest.

I put 18 years into the Army, 2 years shy of Retiring. I couldn’t go back in because of the stress factor, plus my Doctor recommended against it. I’m used to being in high profile positions. I tried to take a break when I was at my worst, but the Army was so used to my peak performance that they kept me in high visibility jobs. I had to resort to going into the Inactive Ready Reserve, where you’re just on call.

I’ve been stable for 2 years now. I’m what you call a high-functioning Manic Depressive. I’m ready to tackle school and change careers. I found the BVR (Bureau of Vocational Rehabilitation) to be just what I needed. I’m eligible since I’m on SSDI. I’m getting a certificate in Desktop Publishing. It is a career that accommodates my limitations. The schools have Disability Services that work with my Learning Disabilities. This allows me to have a Tutor, no limit on timed tests and affords me a quiet area for testing.

I finished my Black & White Photography Class and got an “A”. I’m doing well in my Desktop Publishing  Class. The key for me is to take only 2 classes at a time. I’ve learned that success for a Manic Depressive and ADHD’er is to know your limitations. I feel that I’m armed and ready. My dream is to start my own business. The BVR is giving me the tools and the opportunity to make it happen.

I’m already blessed spiritually, and have a very supportive and loving daughter. I’ve metamorphosed into a strong and powerful woman. I’m starting over and I’m ready to conquer the world!