impossible love

Knowing the kind of boy he is, one could possibly try to imagine what kind of person could someone as Subaru fall in love with? It's somehow difficult to conceal which qualities and virtues would he seek, if he himself has them all.

Thinking like that, and taking into account the way in which he seems to love everyone as deeply and warmly, without making any difference, it's easy for anyone to think of him as beyond any possible predilection. He cares for all, he worries about all.

Subaru is in love with the world.

Nevertheless, he is human, and has some weaknessses, some utter yearnings and needs that can be satisfied and granted by only one. His fantasies as a teenager, subdued all the time, would arise if he happened to find the one who bore those things he lacked and searched for all his strange, incomplete life.

That person would then become 'special', with all the striking meaning this has for a person as giving and innocently loving as he is. He would only then become complete.

He would fall in love.

When Seishirou Sakurazuka came to his life, Subaru was still beginning to learn how cruel the world can be. He was slowly becoming aware of how defenseless people were to the evil and pain they had crerated themselves in a world that could possibly never be changed, learning how feeble and breakable were his bonds with that world. He was surrounded by his heavy, unwanted aura of difference, yet with the desire to keep above those wrongs, and help. He was as vulnerable in his naivete as one could possibly be.

So he came across this beautiful, mysteriously hymnotical man whose smilling face held an affection and tenderness he had never got to know when he was a child, his gold-brown eyes filled with a warmth and cheerfulness so very different from the grey, sorrowfully cold world he was gradually beginning to discover. And so he came across one that was also different, just as him! Someone he could somehow identify with, and at the same time see as a model of masculinity and admiration such as he never got before.

While the world was changing around them, Seishirou remained unaltered, while everything else seemed distant and indiferent, Seishirou cared and protected him. That tall and handsome, somehow kinky veterinarian that had come to be as part of his small family as his twin sister could be, was the resume of all he had ever wanted to be. A Best Friend and a Guiding Light. Even when Subaru tells him about his everpresent trauma of being anormal, Seishirou gives that idea a twist Subaru himself had never thought could exist: he was not an anormal person, he was Special.

And Seishirou himself became special.

Suddenly Subaru found his own, little and fragile world built around him: his stone pillar, his friend, his platonic love. When the crisis came, and he saw himself about to lose him, Subaru realized nothing else in his until then meaningless life seemed to matter but him. He became totally concious of his love, impossible yet powerful enough to break any boundaries of difference. His true love for Seishirou: the one he considered as his perfect person. His love towards him then knew no limits.

Just then when the catastrophe overcame him and the terrible secret was revealed: Seishirou was the Sakurazukamori, the eternal enemy and opposite of his family, an assasin that used Omnyoujitsu arts to kill and feed the hungry soul of the Sakura Barrow, not even then Subaru's love faltered, no matter how hurt or betrayed he could have felt. He remained loyal to his feelings. He was ready to give himself to him, accept his love in death as he had decided to do in life if that was necessary. He fell in love with the masquerade, and still loved the man behind it. When chances to carry along with the destiny he had chose to lay on his beloved's hand was denied to him, Subaru closed in on his own broken heart and became nothing but a body that existed on the memory of what he had lost, denying the light of his now obscure eyes to all the others he considered his loved beings. Subaru let himself be affected by his love for Seishirou to the point he became egoistical.

There is some kind of obsession mixed up with the love that ultimately both blessed and poisoned Subaru's heart.

Seishirou fills his dreams even when he doesn't know it's him the one he sees under the Sakura. He dwells in Subaru's fantasies both as the loving friend as the shadow hunter, robbing him from rest or peace. He bears a mark of both love and death in his hands that will never let him into oblivion. His love towards the man who is his dream and opposite forced towards eternity.

Many would then think loving Seishirou so much and so intensely was the worst and most deathly mistake in Subaru's life, though from other perspective, maybe he was destined to him, to be his couple both in life as in death, to be together eternally and so the Balance he was swore to protect would be preserved. Maybe Seishirou was, after all, Subaru's perfect love, and the only way in which he could have known, in spite of all the suffering it brought about, what true love really means.

Just one thing remains as a certainty: their love will be forever.

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