If All The Humans Died
If all the humans died, I wonder what animal would take over. On the surface it sounds like a very simple question,
but when you think about it, maybe not so much.
The most likely candidate, of course, is the ape. They have opposable thumbs, a language of sorts, and even their
own kind of weird ape culture. They're the most like us, of course, except that they're half as smart and twice as ugly. So
far, apes haven't developed their own tools or built their own machines, but maybe they would have a chance to if there were
no humans. At least, no one would be dressing them up as clowns and making them ride little bicycles. Even if they didn't
develop their own tools and machines, they could at least learn to use what's already here. And finally, they have all the
Planet of The Apes movies to use as a model.
Dolphins are supposed to be really smart. Of course, they live underwater and have no hands; if they were going
to try to take over the world they would have tried by now. I mean, I know it's supposed to be all politically correct to
want to save the dolphins and everything, but hippies would have us believe two things about the dolphins: 1) That they're
just as smart as us, and 2) Humans kill dolphins when they get caught in tuna nets. But if dolphins are so smart, why don't
they just quit hanging around with tuna? Or figure out how to avoid the nets? The only thing I can figure is either the dolphins
have some religion that involves sacrificing themselves for tuna, or that the ones getting caught in the nets are kids who
are out for a thrill.
Dogs and cats are supposed to be really smart. Personally, I think dogs are smarter, because they can do tricks,
but sometimes I wonder if maybe the fact that cats refuse to do tricks doesn't just indicate that they are smarter. On the
other hand, you never hear about a cat running to get help or pulling someone out of a fire. I think if dogs and cats could
put aside their differences, they would stand a real good chance of ruling the world. The troubles would come later. They
certainly have numbers on their side, anyway.
There are a couple of wild cards that most folks haven't thought of, though. The first one is bears. Bears are
stronger than most apes and just as smart as dogs. The other one is pigs. Pigs are smarter than just about anything else,
except maybe apes. Not quite smart enough to avoid being used as a primary food source for 6,000 years, but maybe it's unfair
to disqualify them based on that: After all, I'm pre-supposing that the humans are all dead.
All I've talked about so far are mammals (except the dolphins, who I disqualified). I'm pretty sure we can also
disqualify all fish: They're stupid, they live underwater, and they spend most of their time eating one another. Birds
would spend too much time in-fighting, too, and I doubt you could get them all to agree on much anything. Maybe the big birds
of prey could all get along, but you'd never get them to listen to the sparrows and robins and parakeets, and especially the
chickens. There would just be too much disunity among the birds. And finally, the reptiles might make a good show of it, but
they'd never be able to hang on to areas like Canada and Greenland and Maine where it's too cold for them.
The answer to taking over the world might lie in simple cooperation.
Ok, let's say that all the animals are smart enough. There's no debating it anyway. I mean, it may just be that
dogs can do calculus but have no way to tell us about it. It may be that frogs and lizards and snakes have their own sophisticated
form of government and have been trying to communicate with is for centuries. How would we ever know? So for the sake of argument,
let's assume that all these animals are at least smart enough to talk to each other and organize themselves.
Working alone, of course, the apes stand the best chance. But failing that, they would just have to form alliances.
Cats, Dogs, and Bugs: They could stay competitive. Dogs come in all kinds of sizes and could be very versatile.
Bugs could cover a lot of ground and they kill things. And don't forget Tigers, Wolves, and Lions are all cats and dogs.
Apes and Birds: Any side that gets the apes has a huge advantage, maybe less of one than is obvious if the other
side gets the monkeys. And the birds, if you can get them all to get along, can go just about anywhere, land or sea or
air.
Monkeys, Elephants, Turtles and Dolphins: You got strength, brains, and opposable thumbs. Plus you can cover
land and water, and the turtles can communicate between the two.
There is another possibilty, and that's just that everything would pretty much go on like it is, and the animals
would just keep eating each other and everything would go back to the natural, delicate balance that God intended. But where's
the fun in talking about that?
From The Mailbag (April 7, 2002):
I just read your commentary from March 30 "If all the humans died".
I thought
it was very funny, of course, but I wanted to add my opinion.
I think ants would take over the world and I'm not just
saying that because of the cartoon movie that came out.
They've always seemed so togther and organized, I think they
have a lot more going on in those tunnels then we know about.
Seriously, think about it.
Or what if they take over while humans are still alive? That's why I'm nice to
those little guys, they have power, they're just waiting for the right moment.
Oh and bees/hornetts/wasps, they're
really organized
too. That's too freaky to think about though so I'm going to stop.
Keep up your funny site, it
gives me something to do at 3:30am
It's not letting me post a link, but if you want to see my thoughts on Ants, look at my entry from June 9,
2002 from my original site.
And having said that, how do you know that ants don't already think they run the world? How would we even
know? Besides, I don't think ants are smart at all. They run around a lot but I never see them actually doing anything. I'm
surprised they don't wear orange vests and hard hats.
Yoga
I don't know much about Yoga. I've never taken it in school or tried to learn it. I know folks who do it, but
none of them have ever talked to me about it or told me what it was. Maybe that's because I've never had any interest in it.
But that never stopped me from having an opinion.
Most of the people I know who've taken Yoga have been women in leotards. And when I hear the words "Yoga" I think
of a fruit-flavored dessert-type dairy product. As appealing as either of those two things would be alone, they're like ten
times more when combined. Sadly, though, whatever images that may conjure are just misleading. Because as far as I can tell,
Yoga just involves a lot of stretching, breathing, and sitting on the floor.
It's not that I'm against stretching, breathing, or sitting on the floor. It's just that when I do it, a television
is usually involved. Except the stretching part.
I just wonder if Yoga could be spiced up a little. I mean, make it a little more competitive. Couldn't two people
do Yago with sticks at each other until one falls down? Or try to pin one another to the floor, or kick each other in the
head? That seems like it would be a lot more fun to watch. All that stretching would sure come in handy. They could make movies
like Yoga Warrior or Yoga Warrior II: The Iguana Returns. They could make a superhero called Yoga Boy, or
a cartoon bear who steals picnic baskets....o no, wait...
I think I would take Yoga if they did this stuff. Anyway it would be a lot more marketable. I'm going to speak
to someone about this.
