I don't understand women at all. I'm not complaining, really, just stating a fact. I don't think there are very many men who do understand women, and for some reason it's considered taboo for a man to even try: It's almost as if trying to understand women somehow makes a man less masculine.

 

You would think it would be the exact opposite. I mean, a large segment of the male population defines itself exactly this way, by how many women they can seduce. You have all these guys out there thinking of nothing but women, and how to get women to date them, and what to do to keep women happy, but it seems like it always has to be on the guy's own terms. Anything less is considered emasculating.

 

Sure, guys complain all the time about not understanding women and not knowing what women want, but what do they do about it? Go fishing and complain about it. Sit around the garage drinking beer.

 

I think the approach should be different. I mean, when Jane Goodall wanted to understand lowland gorillas, what did she do? She went and lived among them. On TV, when aliens want to understand us, what do they do? Intercept our radio broadcasts and study them, sometimes send people down to observe us, take notes.

 

I'm not suggesting that men do anything as radical as like Dustin Hoffman did in Tootsie, getting dressed as a woman and live as one of them (Jane Goodall never wore a monkey suit, either). All I'm saying is that maybe guys should watch "Oprah" every once in a while, or read Woman's Day magazine? I don't know, really. Just something. Sit in a restaurant and observe.

 

It also seems to me, as much as men complain about not understanding women, women seem to complain as much about not being understood by men. You'd think they'd try to help us out here. I mean, when a college has a "Women's Studies" Department, it sounds hopeful...I won't venture to guess what kind of stuff is actually taught in a Women's Studies Department, but I do know that it's not what it sounds like. It's not for men to understand women better; it's for women to understand and improve themselves. A laudable goal, but it doesn't help me out. Maybe they have classes on bad credit and how to parallel park.

 

Interestingly, women seldom complain about not understanding men. This is because men are quite simple. You know when a man wants something and you usually know what it is. If a man's hungry, he eats. Or he grunts and points to his stomach until his woman feeds him. If a man gets angry, he lets you know; he doesn't say "Nothing's wrong, really" and then wait til you do 50 more things wrong and tell you about all of them at once. But more than likely, if a man wants anything at all, it's a woman.

 

Which brings us back full-circle. I totally do not understand women. They're different than me. They think differently and want different things. And if there's a wrong way to take something, a woman will find it.

 

Let me give you some examples.

 

Say there's a guy in a heavy committed relationship, maybe engaged or something, but not married yet but definitely committed. Say he runs into an old girlfriend or something and they hang out together, maybe they go somewhere, innocently, like her apartment, or even his apartment. And say she expresses an interest, or maybe even say he does. Say they even kiss or something. And then, whoa, the guy backs off, I can't do this, he says, I love [insert name of committed girlfriend here], what am I doing? And then he leaves.

 

Now, a guy's going to think he did a good thing. He's going to think he was tempted and he passed the test. That he stood at the edge of that cliff and maybe even looked over, but he turned around and walked away. He's excited. He just proved his love, it's a revelation to him, and he can't wait to tell committed girlfriend about it.

 

See, this is where women are different than us.

 

The woman hears all this and says, you jerk! How could you? What were you doing all day with Trampy Ex-Girlfriend, anyway? Why did you go back to her apartment in the first place? What did you think was gonna happen up there?

 

The guy thinks he just gave her a diamond. The problem is, the girl just sees a dog turd.

 

A woman can tell you that she's menstruating. She can apologize in advance for bitchiness or warn you that she's feeling awful or just bitch you out once a month. Guys: You think this is the time to be compassionate and caring, but you're wrong!!! You can never under any circumstances acknowledge this. Just walk away. Because whatever you say, you'll get the same reaction...What the hell do you know about it?!

 

And for the love of God, never try to anticipate or guess when it's happening. You think it's kind and sympathetic to say "Bless your heart, you must be on your period." Again, you're wrong. If you're a guy, it's best that you just not even know what the word "menstrual" means. Or even how to pronounce it.