In fiction, when a friend has a problem, everything stops until it's solved. According to TV, that's what friendship is about. When a teenager's girlfriend dumps him, he goes off by himself to contemplate the universe, until his friend comes and finds him, claps him on the back, looks real grim and contemplative, and says "Are you ok, man?" In real life, his friend would wait til he comes back from contemplating the universe, and then either 1) awkwardly ignores his fragile emotional state, which is most likely, 2) tells him, stupidly, that there's lots of fish in the sea and then sets him up with someone who looks just like the one who dumped him, or 3) teases him until he's as close to crying in public as a guy gets.

 

On TV, when someone gets discouraged, his friends all gather round him and encourage him and tell him everything's going to be ok and that he can do it (whatever it is) and not to give up on  his dreams, man! until he feels better about himself. In real life, his friends would 1) awkwardly ignores his fragile emotional state, 2) convince him that whatever he's trying to do isn't worth the trouble and that he should just go on and give up, or 3) take him out and get him drunk.

 

I think friends on TV are better than friends in real life.

 

Friends on TV know everything about you, every teacher you ever had, every girl you ever dated, everyone you work with, just everything. They know where you hang out because they hang out there too. All the freakin' time.

 

I do have friends in real life, some I've been friends with most of my life. But we don't see or call each other every day, or even every week. We don't all hang out in the same coffee shop or pizza place. We don't know each other's darkest secrets (though we do know most of them). And we hardly ever go over to each other's houses, and when we do we never just walk in like we live there.

 

On TV, friendship transcends family or blood or sometimes even marriage. I guess in real life it can kind of be this way, too. In the Bible, Jonathan and David were best friends even when Jonathan's dad was trying to kill David. That's friendship.

 

Elvis was a good friend, at least in the movies. There wasn't any problem you couldn't solve with a blonde, a bikini, and a clambake. Life should be more like an Elvis movie. Except that one set in the Civil War when everyone died. Or Viva Las Vegas which was a great song but the movie sucked: If you think it was all about casinos and showgirls, you're way off. It was about him dating a lifeguard and racing cars in the desert. Oh, and Jailhouse Rock, because he was in prison, obviously. Life should be more like all those other Elvis movies, though.

 

Clark Kent would be a good friend even if you didn't know he was Superman, although Bruce Wayne probably not so much, he would always be so dark and brooding and talking about his dead parents. Martin Riggs from the Lethal Weapon movies would be a good friend, at least, if you had enemies he would eventually kill them all. He would be a good friend, I mean, unless you were Joe Pesci.

 

On Star Trek, everyone's friends. Everyone, except 1) Anyone visiting the ship who outranks the Captain you know is going to be a total jerk, 2) the Vulcan babe on Enterprise is a spy and no one really likes her (yet), and 3) Of course none of the rules apply to Deep Space Nine, where no one seems to really get along except with Dax or O'Brien.

 

You really have to have an ensemble to be a hit, though. Here would be the cast of my show:

 

Me, of course, because I would be the one to put things in my own unique perspective and would kind of become the leader of the group,

 

Elvis, in case we want to break into song, and of course he would always have girls in bikinis hanging around.

 

Worf, Son of Mogh, the Klingon from Star Trek,

 

Martin Riggs (Mel Gibson's character from Lethal Weapon), but like he was in the first movie, all psycho and suicidal,

 

Indiana Jones.

 

Lois & Clark from Lois & Clark,

 

Cornelius from Planet of The Apes, and

 

Lorelai Gilmore.

 

Sure, we're all friends, but this is one of those edgy shows with conflict, too. Worf respects that Martin isn't afraid to die (you know, the whole Klingon "It's a good day to die" thing) but he doesn't like his reckless attitude. Clark Kent doesn't like Indiana Jones because Indy has a thing for Lois Lane. Lois and Lorelai are always in some kind of spat. Cornelius and Indy don't much care for each other, although Worf and Cornelius seem to hit it off (even though Cornelius, a chimpanzee, is a pacifist, you know). Likewise, Worf sees Clark as a man of honor. Everyone, of course, likes and respects me. And most everyone likes Lorelai even though she annoys the crap out of them.

 

We all hang out in a coffee shop. In a space station. In geosynchronous orbit above the earth. And we solve crimes. But more than that, when the chips are down and all is said and done, we're there for each other, like friends should be.