Bad Boys, Bad Boys

On cop shows (and in real life cop situations, I imagine), when the cops are just starting their investigation, obviously they don't know anything except that a crime has been committed. So they start asking questions, starting with the victim's wife or husband or whatever. It always seems to happen at some point along the way that someone says "You don't think he did it, do you?"

"I'm very sorry about your loss, ma'am. Did your sister have a boyfriend?"

"Well, there was Alan, but surely you don't think he did it, do you?"

But judging by the fact that they didn't even know there was a boyfriend, logic would seem to dictate that they don't know much about him, what kind of guy he is, what he looks like, whether he kills people or not, etc. I always want to see one of these TV cops explain that, like "How would I know? All I know is that she's dead, and he knew her. So if he didn't do it, he can probably at least tell us something we don't already know."

It's so stupid that people always get so insulted when the police ask them questions. They always act like they should be above suspiscion, and they always say stuff like "Why are you wasting time talking to me, when you should be out there looking for the real killer?" Surely, any idiot who asks this question has to realize why the police are not "out there" looking for suspects: It's because they're trying to determine whether or not you're a suspect. And add to that the fact that, on TV at least, most folks who ask that question turn out to be guilty themselves, and suddenly it seems to be the stupidest question to be asking the police.

It must suck to be a cop (especially a detective) and have to deal with stupid people who lie all the time, especially when they all tell the same lie in the same stupid way. It must be like me and my job, when I get asked stupid questions, only in their case it's more like stupid answers.

Click here to read a list of Stupid Questions I Have Actually Been Asked.

I love the show COPS. I don't know why. It's interesting watching the police do their jobs, but more than that, it makes me real happy that I'm not one of the people they are arresting.

When someone gets arrested on COPS, there is a sequence of events that always takes place:

1) Cop approaches suspect and says something vague like "Step out of the car" or "Do you know why I pulled you over?"

2) Suspect denies that they did anything wrong, which usually involves a long drawn-out story,

3) One of two things happens, either

a) Cop confronts suspect with evidence to contradict their story, or

b) Cop contradicts suspect's story with no evidence by saying something like "Come on, pardner, I just saw you drop that" or "What kind of idiot do you think I am?"

4) This can go back and forth for a while, but eventually almost all of these people say something along the lines of "OK, you wanna know the truth?" It's amazing how uniform this response seems to be, and even more amazing that what follows is usually another lie.

A normal person gets pulled over and it's No Big Deal, they're just driving around, right? But the cop pulling them over doesn't know that, whether they're going to pull a gun or try to run them over. I always try to be nice to them, because their job must suck. I would never do it.

Jerry Springer

I was watching part of Jerry Springer today. I don't know what it was about exactly, something about a fat step-daughter prostitute and her boyfriend? I didn't watch it all that long to find out. But normal people, when faced with this situation, would insult the fat step-daughter prostitute by telling her that she belonged on Jerry Springer. I wish I'd been watching this program more closely, because I think that's what this woman actually said to the fat step-daughter prostitute. I mean, she said that to her while she was actually on the show.

I put it here because telling anyone else about it in real life would mean admitting that I watched exactly that much of Jerry Springer.

Folksy Country Wisdom

If you ever want to really sound like you know what you're talking about, take whatever the subject is and equate it with something in nature. Or history. Or especially farms.

I've only been to a farm a couple of times, but I always tried to remember as much as I could, because farm people always have the greatest stories, and no matter what problem they are presented with, they always seem to have these wonderful barnyard methaphors. And as long as they say it in a lyrical, folksy kind of way, it doesn't even matter if it applies. Or even makes sense. Or is even true.

Try it. The next time someone talks to you about a problem, just mention anything having to do with a farm.

"I think my boyfriend is cheating, what do you think I should do?"

"You can't start a fire once the barn door's out."

"What do you mean?"

"Think about it."

or...

"I'm giving up on ever meeting a nice woman. Where should I go to meet them, anyway?"

"A horse won't fit in the chicken coop."

Or, if you start every sentence with "My grandpa used to say..." then odds are they're not going to listen to the rest of the sentence anyway. Just throw in a cow or a chicken. Well, unless you're talking to a woman: Never use the word "cow" in any context because they're always going to ask "Am I the cow?" And it's best to avoid that whole conversation.

Fire is always good, especially for relationship advice. Just say "You can't start a fire without kindling." It doesn't really mean anything, and you sound smart.

If you want to really sound smart, though, forget the farm. Give an example that's a bit more exotic, and make it sound like you watch Nature specials on the Discovery Channel.

"I think my boyfriend's cheating, what should I do?"

"You know, among the green monkeys of San Luis Island, the females will mate for life, but only after it finds a suitable male. And sometimes they have to go through four or five mating cycles til they find one compatible."

It doesn't matter what a green monkey is, or whether there even is a San Luis Island, and the person you're talking to probably won't ask. The point is, something in nature also has trouble finding a good man, and so the inference is that that's the way God intended it. And it works for anything, really, since some animals mate for life and others don't.

If all else fails, give an example from history. Even just made up history.

"Hey, my wife and I can't seem to get along, what do you think I should do?"

"You know, in 1904, Sir Hillary Mason settled a dispute among Zulu cheiftains by placing a monetary value on their warriors. Like, one warrior was worth a goat, five were worth a buffalo, like that. So if they chose to make war against one another, when the fighting stopped they counted their dead and compensated one another accordingly. After that, they considered it to costly to go to war."

"How does that apply to me?"

"Think about it."

I'm not against helping people who have actual problems. I'm just saying have some fun with it.

And always be sure to tell them to think about it. Odds are, they haven't really thought about their problems anyway, so you're actually doing them a favor. It's like they say, give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, but don't slop the chickens once the mud turns green

Think about THAT.