Rambling Thoughts On My Birthday

Well, today I am 35 years old. I keep thinking about that episode of Gomer Pyle where Sgt. Carter turns 35 and completely freaks out. He goes through this whole mid-life thing, which I understand is only natural. Lots of people go through that. Of course, most people don't resolve it in 22 minutes.

It's been many years since I've seen that episode of Gomer Pyle, but looking back on it now the thing that really sticks in my mind about it is that it took 35 years for Sgt. Carter to freak out. He was the most tightly-wound guy on TV except for maybe Oliver Wendell Douglas on Green Acres. The most shocking thing about the episode is that Sgt. Carter lived to be 35 without having an occlusion or something (I like saying "occlusion", it sounds funnier than just saying "heart attack").

It was almost painful to watch how Gomer drove him up the wall every week (or in my case it was "every day" since I only ever saw it in re-runs). I know that Gomer was supposed to have this simple-country-boy thing going on, like he saw things in very simple, straightforward ways and was incapable of guile. But the fact is he was so naive and stupid I have a hard time believing he wasn't retarded. The only thing missing was the heavy-lidded eyes spaced too far apart and a line of drool running down his chin.

Another character who may have been retarded is Carrie from Little House On The Prairie. That show lasted like 15 years and she may have had just that many lines during the course of the show. There is one episode where I recall her being involved in the plot in a meaningful way: It was the one where she fell down an abandoned mineshaft and Charles spent 99.992% of the episode either trying to get her out or crying because she got stuck. The other .008% of the episode was spent showing 1) Carrie falling into the mineshaft, and 2) Carrie's voice calling out "Help" in complete darkness.

I read somewhere once that in the books, Carrie and Laura were more friends and compadres, especially after Mary left. But on the show, instead of letting Carrie play even a marginal role, they just kept bringing on more and more kids. And to make it worse, all the new kids got their own times in the spotlight.

Every so often you see someone on TV who really is retarded or something. They get a lot more respect than Gomer and Carrie did, though. They always have some unique talent or contribution to make or some invaluable insight into the human condition, just something that non-challenged people could never see or understand until one of them shows us. I'm not saying that anyone is useless, I just think that some things are more difficult for some people than they are for others, and depictions like that aren't helping anyone. But since when is TV realistic?

Its kind of like Native Americans. On TV they are always wise and kind....unless they're bitter and angry about the white man taking their land. That's because, on TV, Native Americans are peaceful people who live in harmony with nature and are one with the land. Apparently this is a genetic condition.

At least that's how it is in the movies, including that Disney movie Pocahontas. The Indians in that movie were either peaceful, innocent people or proud, brave warriors. But, to be "warriors", didn't they have to make war? And before the white man got there, didn't they slaughter each other? I'm not saying it was ok for the Europeans to kill the tribes; just that it was equally wrong for the tribes to kill each other.

But they did the same thing in The Little Mermaid. They acted like the mermaids were all so peaceful and natural and the people on the land were "fish-eaters". This is a bad thing. Because even accepting that mermaids don't eat fish, although Darryl Hannah did in Splash, fish apparently dont just eat each other.

I mean, whales are supposed to be all noble and intelligent and even they eat fish. Some whales eat seals and stuff. Isnt that bad too? Are seals ok to eat but not fish? Or do they call whales Seal Eaters and picket outside where they work?

And Ariel the Little Mermaids best friend was Flounder but he didnt have both eyes on the same side of his head like flounders do. They are bottom-feeders. Apparently this is ok, too.

Maybe its just catching the fish that is bad. I dont know.

The Space Program

Back in the 60s and 70s, everyone was excited about the space program. I mean, people were going into orbit in these little tin cans. There were men on the moon and Skylab and Tang. Astronauts were all celebrities and people were talking about cities on the moon.

And what do we have now? Nothing. We got to the moon, planted a flag, shot a few holes of golf, and left. It seems like everything was leading up to this space shuttle: the unmanned flights, the monkeys and dogs in orbit, the spacewalks, and it was like, Next Stop: MARS!

And then........nothing.

Every time you hear about it now they're sending rats and bugs up in the shuttle to study the effects of weightlessness on them. Aren't we going into space to get away from rats and bugs?

I don't see why we can't have cities on the moon, or at least in orbit. We should have normal, everyday people up there. We should have missions to Mars. But we're not even sending people to the moon anymore. The Russians aren't either. And you can't even find Tang in the grocery stores anymore.

Blue's Clues

On Blue's Clues everything talks but the dog. Furniture, appliances, utensils, even the cat that lives next door. But for some reason the dog--who can figure out how to get her paw-print on a cloud and a bubble--can't even learn sign language.

On this show there are three dogs: A blue one, a pink one, and a green one. None of these colors occur in nature. I think Steve is either a genetic engineer or he is importing them from China.
Also, Mr. Salt and Mrs. Pepper have a baby, Paprika, but there's no indication that they're married. They have different last names. I mean, they could be married and she may have kept her last name, but this is not explained. It's likely they're having an affair, though, because no way you can cross salt and pepper and get paprika. There is probably a Mrs. Salt and a Mr. Pepper that we never see, and Mr. Pepper is some type of red spice. This would explain Paprika.

Having been to church and back since I wrote last, I've had time to consider this and have reached the conclusion that, although Mrs. Pepper is obviously married, Mr. Salt is probably not. He's most likely a bachelor cruising the spice rack for chicks.

He is French, after all.