Is it cynical to question everyone's motives, to not trust anything anyone says, and to expect the worst from people? Most folks would say so, I guess. Or anyway, the dictionary says so. It's possible that cynical is not far off.

 

But then, it's not that I don't believe people. Someone could tell me that they're best friends with the Olsen Twins, and, not having evidence to the contrary, I'd believe them. I wouldn't lend them money, with the promise that Mary Kate would cut me a check next week to cover it, but I would believe them. And it's not that I expect the worst, really; it's just that I'm never surprised when it happens.

 

And bitter? Bitter is all about emotion, It's being angry at your life or fate or God, that things haven't turned out your way. To be bitter, I think, requires that you care, which I totally don't.

 

Don't misunderstand. There are specific things that I care about. Like my kids; if I didn't care about them, I wouldn't be $40,000 in debt and living in my parents' basement. If I see someone on the side of the road who needs help, or if a homeless person asks me for money, or if a friend needs me for whatever, I usually do what I can, even if I don't know someone.

 

Now, all I'm saying is I'm not bitter. I'm not saying all this so that anyone will think I'm a great person. That's my point: I don't care what anyone thinks.

 

I don't like to get all dressed up. I don't like to eat at restaurants where I'm given more than one fork to eat with (unless I drop one on the floor by accident). I want to wear my ratty denim jacket and listen to the Ramones really loud and watch superhero cartoons, and I want to take my kids to the park and volunteer at their schools and just be my own person. And I don't care what anyone thinks about it.

 

See? That's not bitter.

 

Tara's the kind of friend who will tell me to shut up and not get too mad at me when I don't. She's the kind of friend I can go into her house, not say a word, sit down and watch a movie, and then wander out. And there was a time when she probably would have thought that my Batman poster, or my Sleestak tattoo, or the fact that I think Lethal Weapon 3 is the most romantic movie ever made, were all charming eccentricities. Now she just says I'm immature.

 

Pay special attention to Jessica Alba as the Invisible Girl. Not for any real reason, but just because she's incredibly hot. Most people would look at this picture and think things like "Oh, there's a lumpy orange guy made of rocks, isn't he unusual? Is he an alien or something?" or "Hey, is that guy on fire? Wow!" But see, I kind of glance them over and then start thinking things like, Jessica Alba is the most amazingly beautiful woman in the history of the world, and that every cell of her body is amazingly perfect and how she reeks sex from every pore and even if you gave a gene-splicing machine to the drunkest, horniest sailor in the world he still wouldn't be able to come up with anything more perfect than her. And I even remember some years ago watching the stupidest, cheesiest show on TV called The New Flipper, just because it featured a teenage Jessica Alba running around in a bikini.

 

And then I think how ironic it is that a woman who looks like that has to play someone who turns invisible, and why couldn't they get someone ugly and fat, at least, someone who you would want to have turn invisible?

 

Tara would listen to this, roll her eyes, and tell me how wrong I am to be judging people based on what they look like. And then I would say that making an observation about how attractive someone is (or isn't) is not the same thing as judging them. And she would say it doesn't matter, that you shouldn't call people fat or ugly. And I would say, ok, that may be, but that's not the same as judging them, and maybe if I'd said that since they were fat they must also be stupid, that would be judging them....and anyway, if someone makes their living going in front of millions of people to show how beautiful she is, and I happen to think that she's ugly, then I have every right to say so. And then Tara would say how exhausting it is to have a conversation with me, and tell me to shut up.

 

This of course is the shortened version of the conversation, and I should take note here that Tara has this almost mutant-like ability to tell me how long each of our conversations last.

 

Anyway, I really really like that picture of the Fantastic Four and I can't wait til the movie comes out. Tara thinks all this superhero and cartoon stuff is just immature. I say, it's no more immature than how other guys may follow sports and know all the teams and players and statistics, so what's the difference? So some guys like sports and I like superheros and Star Trek, so what?

 

Here are some other things that we've argued about:

Maybe I am kind of immature. At least I'm not boring.

 

Having listened to Tara tell me for at least the last three or four years that real men should like sports and wear Old Spice and chop down trees and whatever, and that it was immature of me to like superheroes and science fiction, I found it ironic when Tara's new boyfriend borrowed all my Smallville DVDs. I will also update you when she reads this page and tells me that that's not what she's been telling me for the last few years.