|
Sometimes when my nose is just a tiny little bit congested, I mean not so much that I can't breathe, I lay in bed at
night, say, when everything is quiet, and every time I inhale or exhale I hear the tiniest little wheezy, whiney sound. It's
kind of strange, this consistent little sound (as consistent as my own breathing, I guess). But since the sound is coming
from inside my own head, I can't really say that it sounds like it's coming from any particular direction, but it does sometimes
sound like a ghost is right there in the room with me, or maybe there's a lady far away screaming in terror.
I'm surprised, given the fierce competition among pharmeceutical companies, that no one has tried to capitalize on this
and start promoting cough suppresants that stop making your head sound like scary ghosts in the middle of the night. Or maybe
they'd have to come up with a more scientific name for it. I don't know.
(Note: Scientific evidence! Click on this thumbnail for a better view)
I asked my friend Trent if this ever happened to him and, surprisingly, he knew exactly what I was talking about. He
even mentioned that once he stepped outside and thought he heard a woman screaming in the distance behind the treeline, but
then he was "pretty sure it was a duck." Not exactly the same thing, but still.
I don't know why a duck would be screaming, but silently I hoped that everything was ok. When I say "silently," I mean
that I didn't mention to Trent my concerns about the duck, not that my nose had stopped making ghost sounds.
I should clarify: I don't think ghosts sound like the "oooo" ones on cartoons (or that background "whooo" in that Tom
Petty song, Last Dance With Mary Jane). I think they sound more like people screaming in terror as they face the
flaming chasms of hell.
And I should clarify again: Not that I believe in ghosts, because I totally totally don't. Just that if I did believe
in them, that's what I would expect them to sound like.
I don't know why it seems logical that ghosts would be screaming like that, when after all, it's just as likely that
they would be singing or laughing or belching really loud. Ghosts are supposed to be the disembodied spirits of dead people,
so it stands to reason that, just like people, there would be all kinds of different ghosts, ones that make you laugh, or
annoy you, or scare the crap out of you. And yet, for whatever reason, you never hear about ghosts being happy or kidding
around or anything; all they seem to do is stand behind you in the mirror or walk down the hallway or sit in rocking chairs.
Which makes me wonder why am I supposed to be afraid of them? They seem more annoying than anything else. They seem to scare
people just by being there, like an annoying roommate who won't leave or get a job. It seems to me, a better approach
to take with children than telling them "There's no such a thing as ghosts...." is "There's no such a thing as ghosts....and
even if there were, they never hurt anyone."
And when folks see ghosts, they always seem to ask them the same questions: "Who are you? What are you doing here? What
do you want?" These are kind of deep, philosophical questions to be asking anyone, and I don't know why we assume
that just being dead would give anyone special insight into these matters. If I got a chance to talk to someone who died,
I would want to know like, does it hurt? Are you hungry? Is it, like, a thousand degrees there?
None of this would explain, of course, why one would want to live up my nose.
But maybe that's why the ducks were screaming. This is kind of like the plot of Silence of The Lambs, isn't
it? Except this would be like Silence of the Ducks. I don't know what the hell I'm talking about anymore.
|
